BF didn’t text me happy new year..

From what I've read, I feel as if you have different needs. He needs a carer/support worker, and you need someone who is in the right emotional and mental state to be able to engage properly in a relationship and reciprocate.

If it were me, I'd consider if this is what I want or not because unless he sees it as a problem and wants to change, this is as good as it gets. Is this what you wanted from a relationship?

I don't think it is unreasonable to want someone to make you feel as if you are important to them and a priority. It doesn't take more than a minute to text you and it is okay if your bar for a successful and satisfying relationship for you is to want and need that. It is also okay for him to not want to do that and for that to not be important to him. In that case, I would suggest you're incompatible in what you both want from this relationship.

This. It’s all well and good considering his needs but what about yours. Abuse can come in many forms. If you are supporting him but he isn’t supporting you it is not equal. Likewise him saying he wasn’t coming to you but you wanted him to call but yet suddenly he feels ‘well’ enough to go out. Rethink this one. Sometimes abuse is a fine line. Or just that he can’t and shouldn’t be a proper relationship. So many women in particular try to fix men. They need to fix themselves. He does not sound like an equal and supportive partner. My husband does over and above pretty much all household chores and does all the school runs and homework etc he supports me and is always there for me despite his mental health sometimes wobbling. What about your needs?

Stay true to yourself @mixednuts7 you have a lot more EI than people on here are giving you credit for.

He's a fool to undervalue what you bring to the relationship, bags of life experience and strength. You genuinely deserve better.

Don't let anyone minimise your needs by saying you're making a fuss over nothing. By their account you should keep quiet and stop expressing your truth. You need a more equal relationship of give and take, not just him being a sponge. This man sounds like he has the intelligence of an amoeba.

ETA those of us who are the fixers and copers in life often get misunderstood because we deal with shit and to some, that is misunderstood as us not having needs of our own (been there, got the TShirt!) when we do, but those needs often get set to one side because of others' demands taking pole position.

It doesn’t sound like he makes any or much effort to emotionally support you, when you are exhausting yourself to support him. You have enough to worry about supporting yourself and your DC after abuse. Why are you letting this man take these precious resources away from you and them?? Get rid and look after yourself and your DC.

The right man will pour into your cup not just guzzle it cause he’s a bit thirsty, then run off to have to fun with his friends and leave you dry. He sounds very self centred.

Look NYE is often a bit weird. I really wouldnt make a big deal of it. If you are happy generally, let it go. Dont cause drama just because you are feeling a bit put out.

Who says ‘we are each others safe space’ !!
OP you sound so needy and intense . I’m not Suprised he went out without you … I bet you over analyse his every move ! I wouldn’t be Suprised if he ends this relationship with you tbh.
I certainly couldn’t cope with this level of over analysis and trying to attribute reasons to everything .

This.

Maybe,reevaluate.
From abusive relationship to one where you feel like you are the giver and supporter
You cannot cure his mh
Maybe it is too much to take on
Maybe reconsider
It looks too stressful

I think you're overreacting about the text, that's not a big deal. However, I think it sounds as though you both have some issues that you need to work through and if you've recently come out of an abusive relationship maybe being with this man isn't the best thing for you right now. Maybe its a case of right person, wrong time?

Not being harsh, but I’m in my 40s too and the very absolute last thing I would be doing is taking on someone with such complex Mh issues, or even these issues in general.

Sometimes text messages are delayed on NYE because of online traffic on mobiles. Maybe sent earlier than 3 but arrived late?

I don’t get the whole wishing everyone Happy new year. I literally couldn’t care less!!! Maybe he feels the same.

This is not the wonderful relationship you are claiming it is. It all sounds very needy and exhausting. Re read what you have written and imagine someone else telling you this - I think you might feel very differently. The endless therapy speak when you talk about him is not how people in solid relationships talk about each other. It sounds like you might be attracted to people you want to fix. Don’t send the text, have a good think about what you really get from being with this man and make 2026 the year you focus on you and your kids.

Kindly did you tell him you needed support or just expected him to know when you said it would be nice to talk to him? My DH is rubbish at communicating and sulks rather than “use his words”. I’ve had to remind him I’m not a mind reader and he needs to articulate more. Maybe sit him down and say you are tired of being his support and getting nothing in return. How he responds will tell you if he’s worth keeping around. HNY to you and I hope he steps up

You ended an abusive marriage two year ago and quickly started dating a mentally ill man.
The only reason to date men is for them to hugely enhance your life and make every aspect easier and fun. Does this boyfriend do that?
You could be working on yourself, learning who you are, having therapy for the trauma of abuse, and just enjoying the sheer bliss of being free of males.
You could go back to date this man in a few years if he has sorted his life out and doesn't expect you to be his emotional support girlfriend.

Whats wrong in wanting to speak or text your partner on nye? He was well enough to go out and party till 3am but not well enough to give op the time of day. That doesn't make op insecure just because shes aware of his behaviour which in itself isnt the end of the world but still wasnt nice.

You’re in your 40s behaving like a teenager over a text (that he DID send, albeit later than you wanted).

I agree with this. I would have been like this when I was 18/19 in my first few relationships, sat stressing looking at my phone waiting for a message. It sounds like you need to have a think about whether this relationship is for you. He didn’t do anything wrong going out and not messaging you earlier- he would have been trying to have fun with his friends.

You need to focus on your own mental health tbh. This is such an overreaction. Perhaps you shouldn't be together. Not sure why he apologised.

Hi I think he is using you as a free counsellor (or as you call it, a safe space) . He went out with other people, and didn’t want to spend last night with you.
Be careful of your own mental health.
Stop being so nice to him, if he wants a mammy then don’t fall into that role, you need to look after yourself and your children because he is taking you for granted. Toughen up. If he wants to be with you he needs to show that to you and make an effort. He is well able to do that.

All the very best x

This is what I think. It's not a relationship where he supports you, OP, it's a relationship where you support him. The whole relationship sounds like a lot of work.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems a bit of a coincidence to me that you suddenly needed “support” whilst he was out eith friends and that support had to be a call when he’s out at a loud bar drunk with friends.

Sounds more like you were a bit jealous he was out without you and not in constant contact so you tried to make him prove his love for you by asking him to put you above his night out and friends.

You’ve not actually given a reason why you needed to call him - you just said you were feeling a bit lonely on NYE but you had your children and could have just gone to bed/talked it over with him when he wasn’t busy.

Always giving but not often receiving.

This is hard. I had a long term partner like this. Literally unable to support me. Unable to give me a hug when I lost my job. Spent 10 minutes with me and then went home. Spent shopping time, looking for gifts for friends. I got very little or unthought out gifts. Would cook a meal for a friend, making something they loved whereas never considering what I liked. The relationship ended up being so dysfunctional that I left.

I'm at the point now where I would rather be single than deal with the possibility of a selfish partner.

OP, it sounds like you are attracted to a certain type of man due to your kind nature. You want to help him with his problems, look after him and make him better. He is taking advantage of this and isn’t giving anything back, probably using his mental health and problems as an excuse.

His mental health isn’t your problem, you can’t fix him or make him a better person. You can’t make him give you more, you can’t make him text you at midnight.

If he’s taking from you and not giving much back then you are constantly going to be disappointed.

Maybe he isn’t the one for you?

I am a similar age and have met so many men who seem to have issues and need/want mothering, I now just stay away from these types even though it’s in my nature to help people. They are not my problem and their problems are not my problem. Being single and not having the emotional stress of a relationship is so much easier.