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AIBU?

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Original poster

BF didn’t text me happy new year..

185 replies

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 04:45

Will try to keep this short. Been with a guy for 16/17 months.. going really well, we are very close emotionally normally, in love, shared lots with each other. Physical side of relationship is incredible, both in our 40s, divorced with kids. We are safe spaces for each other. We see each other every other weekend and a couple times throughout the week, always at least once, and always text constantly throughout the day.

He’s been having a few mental health issues lately that I’ve been very supportive with, going to his place more rather than he comes to me etc as he struggles at times with anxiety. We couldn’t be together on nye as he was going out locally with friends (I was invited) but I had my kids at home. He was let down by his mates re evening arrangements and was upset earlier in the evening, understandably so, so I talked with him about it to be supportive. He has avoidant tendencies so tends to shut down a bit when he feels like he’s struggling, so I offered help/chat and company, but he said no and that he was just going to bed. I was alone at my house with the kids, who were floating about, but online gaming with friends so I was feeling lonely too; it’s been a rough year for the three of us since divorcing my abusive ex. I asked to ring him but he declined saying his head wasn’t in the right space and that he’d prob just go to bed.

Later in the evening BF texts me to say he’s going out afterall. I texted to say I’d like to speak to him before the new year hit to say hi but he said it was too loud at the venue. Ok fine. I wasn’t going to ask him to call yet again though, or else it looked like I was being needy. I was feeling lonely though and struggling with it a little. Anyway.. midnight came. No text, no call, nothing. Until 3am when I got a message just saying “HNY. Sorry. “

I’ve been upset. Feels like I’m just an afterthought, when our relationship has always been close. We’ve both been badly hurt by narc cheating exes and align on so many values and morals. Yes he struggles with anxiety and hates speaking on the phone, always has. But it takes nothing to send a text.

A male friend said he was just busy anmd drinking with mates and that it probably slipped his mind and that I shouldn’t react strongly. His wife said sod that, he should have texted and I need to reevaluate.

What are your guys opinions? What would you do? Big deal or not a big deal?

I’m upset and dont want to speak to him tomorrow morning. I have written a text reply telling him why I feel gutted but haven’t sent it yet. Aibu?

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 01/01/2026 11:27

You sound quite immature and needy for someone in their 40s.

No one has to message on the dot. I've only just replied to some of my messages this morning as I was busy and tired before. Its just another day/year.

It would be silly to read anything into it.

shhblackbag · 01/01/2026 11:27

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2026 10:47

Relationships aren't supposed to be group therapy. Neither of you are in a place were you should be in intense relationships. Work on yourself and find ways to have fun. Don't be anyone's trauma dumping ground.

Agree. Start this year as you mean to go on.

MissDoubleU · 01/01/2026 11:23

He outs himself first. Thats the bottom line. When he’s sad he needs you to exhaust yourself putting everything into fixing him - when he has a better option, like going out with friends, you become an afterthought. If he can’t be arsed then he gets to say he’s having a hard time and needs to be alone and you have to respect that because of his MH. But your MH isn’t a consideration.

Leave this one in 2025. Stop begging for crumbs when you’re busy slaving over meat and gravy for him.

EdithBond · 01/01/2026 11:22

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:17

Thanks. This is one of the few messages on this thread who seem to get the situation. It wasn’t about the text, it was more about him knowing I was struggling for once and doing nothing to reach out. It wasn’t a teenage drama. The stuff I’ve helped him through this year has certainly not been lightweight and the shit I came through to get out of my marriage certainly doesn’t make me fragile. But agree I maybe need to reassess my role in the relationship.

Show quote history

I totally get it, OP.

I think it helps to view it as you would a friendship. If you’d given a lot of support to a friend throughout the year, despite your own problems, and they knew you were feeling lonely on NYE, a thoughtful friend would message or call.

Kindly (I’m a lone parent who spent NYE alone), it sounds like you should invest more in friendships for mutual support and less in this fella who’s clearly struggling himself and isn’t particularly thinking of you.

Focussing on friends for mutual support takes pressure off romantic relationships. And means the stakes are lower if you decide to end the relationship.

Lemondessert · 01/01/2026 11:20

This isn’t about the message is it. It’s about his needs coming before yours. I wonder why you had to ask him if you could call? I would have just rang. He wasn’t showing you care when you needed it but it seems you are expected to show him.

Duckswaddle · 01/01/2026 11:20

Honestly I couldn’t deal with such an intense coaching relationship with someone in their 40s. You’ve been through a lot too - concentrate on yourself and your children. He’s not your problem to fix

LarryUnderwood · 01/01/2026 11:19

OP, kindly I would suggest you evaluate what you get from this relationship. A lot of women who escape abusive relationships seem to fall quickly into dating someone 'nice', who actually isn't that great and doesn't bring much to the table. Is your BF actually a great partner who will work with you to make both your lives better, or is he just nicer than your ex husband because he's not abusive? Think hard about what bar you want to set for yourself and your kids.

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 11:19

BoredZelda · 01/01/2026 11:17

If it wasn’t about the text, why make your post all about the text?

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Yeah I texted it when I was feeling too emotional and it came across about the wrong thing. My real Q/issue was probably not one for the AIBU boards and wasn’t really about nye. I think the lack of nye was just the trigger in something that’s probably been building and bottling up for a while.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 01/01/2026 11:18

So much unkindness on this thread. To want to be thought of at NYE is a perfectly reasonable wish. It’s not a big ask to be considered by someone you have been close too.

I felt the 3am text was strange. The smart thing would be to absorb the message about where you are placed in his priorities …make great plans for yourself and save your kindness for you 🌅

BoredZelda · 01/01/2026 11:17

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 07:17

Thanks. This is one of the few messages on this thread who seem to get the situation. It wasn’t about the text, it was more about him knowing I was struggling for once and doing nothing to reach out. It wasn’t a teenage drama. The stuff I’ve helped him through this year has certainly not been lightweight and the shit I came through to get out of my marriage certainly doesn’t make me fragile. But agree I maybe need to reassess my role in the relationship.

Show quote history

If it wasn’t about the text, why make your post all about the text?

Oldandgreyer · 01/01/2026 11:14

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 10:31

Ok I’ll paraphrase. I’m HIS safe space because he is the one who is needy and intense and I’m just the one who takes it without asking for anything back. The time I do I don’t get a look in. That’s what was upsetting.

Show quote history

So stop.

Be yourself, and when you need help ask. If the people you expect to support you don't, then you know they're twats.

KnowledgeableAvocado · 01/01/2026 11:11

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 11:05

I exited the marriage about 3-4 years prior to it going through, good friends helped me make an exit plan. He moved out, I got counselling and a solicitor. He made it extremely difficult process and the divorce took a year to settle and the sale of the house a few months after that. I had about two years on my own, then started seeing current bf. The divorce eventually finalised last year and the house sale this year. So it’s been a while. The marriage was dead long before I divorced him. I did well to get out. My bf is a lovely guy but does have MH issues and think I’ve probably dropped straight into the carer role that I’m familiar with.

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I mean this kindly, OP I think it might be time to put yourself first for a change. You deserve more than being the fixer.

Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 11:11

I’ll add… of course when I have my kids which is half the time, I’m 100% focused on them. They’ve been through a lot too and I certainly don’t minimise that. They’re doing well all things considered and I’ve organised support for them outside of it all. Their Dad is still very toxic unfortunately so i do everything in my power to mitigate it. In the time i dont have my kids, i do agree with the posters suggesting i should probably prioritise myself and time alone though rather than try to deal with others’ mental health issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 11:05

Coulddowithanap · 01/01/2026 10:54

So you divorced your abusive ex this year but you have been with BF for 16/17 months.

Sounds like you need some time with just you and your children. No need to get involved with another man. Your happy space should be with them then you wouldn't get hung up on if you don't get the text messages you expect from someone.

I exited the marriage about 3-4 years prior to it going through, good friends helped me make an exit plan. He moved out, I got counselling and a solicitor. He made it extremely difficult process and the divorce took a year to settle and the sale of the house a few months after that. I had about two years on my own, then started seeing current bf. The divorce eventually finalised last year and the house sale this year. So it’s been a while. The marriage was dead long before I divorced him. I did well to get out. My bf is a lovely guy but does have MH issues and think I’ve probably dropped straight into the carer role that I’m familiar with.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/01/2026 11:01

Coulddowithanap · 01/01/2026 10:54

So you divorced your abusive ex this year but you have been with BF for 16/17 months.

Sounds like you need some time with just you and your children. No need to get involved with another man. Your happy space should be with them then you wouldn't get hung up on if you don't get the text messages you expect from someone.

Have to agree with this.

OP - the amount of time, energy and headspace you’re wasting on this man should be spent prioritising your DC who have had to deal with their parents divorce and adjust to a huge life changing experience.

Did you take time out to be on your own and work on yourself after your split? Because sadly after an abusive relationship your boundaries are not where they should be and you find spotting red flags difficult unless you’ve done the work.

I would say you need to end this relationship, prioritise your DC and look at doing the freedom programme to understand why you repeat the same pattern with men.

luckylavender · 01/01/2026 11:00

I think it’s all a bit over the top. The Happy New Year greeting is pretty pointless these days. It’s for show.

Dawnintheageofaquariams · 01/01/2026 10:58

LTFB

Coulddowithanap · 01/01/2026 10:54

So you divorced your abusive ex this year but you have been with BF for 16/17 months.

Sounds like you need some time with just you and your children. No need to get involved with another man. Your happy space should be with them then you wouldn't get hung up on if you don't get the text messages you expect from someone.

SurferRona · 01/01/2026 10:49

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 10:31

Ok I’ll paraphrase. I’m HIS safe space because he is the one who is needy and intense and I’m just the one who takes it without asking for anything back. The time I do I don’t get a look in. That’s what was upsetting.

Show quote history

Yeah, this rather supports what I said above. This sounds like pure trauma point scoring. I did two for you, now you owe me two in return. Why anyone would want to be in a relationship like this is beyond me….

SurferRona · 01/01/2026 10:47

Oh dear OP. You sound very emotionally intelligent, that you have ‘done a lot of work on yourself’. But I agree with PPs, you are too needy. More to be done and without this chap as a crutch. You sound intense and maybe he finds you a bit exhausting? Do you have fun, lightness with him? Frankly, relationships shouldn’t be this hard…

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2026 10:47

Relationships aren't supposed to be group therapy. Neither of you are in a place were you should be in intense relationships. Work on yourself and find ways to have fun. Don't be anyone's trauma dumping ground.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 01/01/2026 10:45

Did you text him to say happy new year? Also if there's lots of people texting at once it can take longer for the text to go through.

Fidgety31 · 01/01/2026 10:40

mixednuts7 · 01/01/2026 10:31

Ok I’ll paraphrase. I’m HIS safe space because he is the one who is needy and intense and I’m just the one who takes it without asking for anything back. The time I do I don’t get a look in. That’s what was upsetting.

Show quote history

Maybe try investing your time into therapy instead !
Everytime you try to explain - it all just sounds more of a car crash !

Pearlstillsinging · 01/01/2026 10:40

You both sound like extremely hard work!You weren't on your own, your children were with you.
I have no idea what the problem is meant to be, you got a text. I wouldn't have been happy if it woke me at 3 in the morning but you haven't mentioned that.

TwistedWonder · 01/01/2026 10:39

I think you’re being overly dramatic about the text but your updates paint a picture of an unhappy relationship which isn’t benefiting you

You’ve only been together just over a year and it’s causing this much angst - is it really worth it?
Surely being single is better than this emotional turmoil over a bloke?