BILs drinking

The only thing I can think of is that your DH invites in to the gym or takes him out for something like a hike or fishing to chat whilst doing something physical to encourage him to start taking care of himself. It sounds like part of it is that he's completely given up looking after himself which has totally spiralled into addiction and self hate especially if he is going home to an empty house with nothing to do.

Unfortunately there’s pretty much nothing you can do for an extended family alcoholic - aside from of course calling the police if they’re intending to drink drive which you should always do.

Unless they’re immediate family that you live with there’s nothing you can do aside from talking to them, and from experience they’ll either learn to hide it from you better or lie and say they’re cutting down and have it under control.

I hope I wasn't too harsh on you, OP. I know how incredibly hard it is to be powerless.

You read them as harsh, but they are right. They were not saying mind your own business, he's only having a few drinkies. Or mind your own business - we don't care if he dies and nor should you. They were saying "you cannot do anything". Which is true. Dramatic interventions and tough love can end up causing more harm than good, so it is a good thing people were not telling you to do that.

Speak to a rl addiction counsellor like someone at an Al-anon or the one mentioned by a pp. You don't have to take MN's word for it

There’s nothing you can do. Get yourselves along to SMART Recovery family and friends for support. Plenty of online meetings. It will help you recognise what you cannot change.

You’re a good caring SIL.

I would be very straight with him, as I think it would be good for him to know he’s not fooling anyone apart from himself.

I would point him in the right direction so that he can access help.

Realistically it’s only him that can help himself and he’s got to be ready and genuinely want to.

Whaaaaaaat??!! You think it would be better if people were NOT addicts? Wowsers. Next you'll be telling us the sky is blue Captain Obvious and I am just not ready for that truth bomb 😶

Maybe your husband can speak to him about it. With addicts you can't help them until they help themselves.

Be better if they weren't.🙀

Thank you for that simplistic take on addiction. If it was that simple, nobody would be an addict, would they?

So many horrible threads on here about people drinking alot.

Its awful.

Get a life. Take up a nice hobby or go out running/exercising whatever.

His wife probably tried and failed and is now doing better.

You can't change another adult's behaviour.

My mum died of alcoholism op. No need for your popcorn comment tbh - that's actually a pretty disgusting thing to say when people reading have had to watch their own family members die from addictions. Do you really think your hurt at your dh's brother being an addict gives you the right to make comments like that? It does not.

Pps are correct - there (heartbreakingly) is not a thing you can do to change his ways for him. You can avoid him (i would) or you can support him while accepting he is going to drink and do coke if he wants to. Interventions and tough love etc do not work

I’m speaking from experience - stay out of it. If his immediate family want to say something they should, but not you sorry.

I very much doubt, as suggested twice in your posts, that he can blame this on his ex wife “leaving him for another man”. More likely he’s always been an arsehole and his wife had the good sense to ship out before it escalated. No need to blame his life decisions on his ex, bit lazy.
All you can do is let him do what he wants to do.

Yes, that is very likely to happen but I am afraid you aren't that powerful, OP.

This man is drinking 3 bottles of wine a day- do you really think he's going to just stop because you or his mother ask him to? I used to work with addicts and they couldn't even stop to keep their children with them. I am afraid that with addiction, love doesn't conquer all. You can love someone with your whole heart and they would still choose booze over you.

Until he realises HE needs to change and is motivated to do so from within, nothing you do on this earth is going to change that.

I had a BIL with a post-divorce drink problem. As far as I am aware his family (his own family, not their partners etc) provided a listening ear but never tried to intervene
After 5+ years he turned it around and also remarried.

Does he drive? I hope not. If he's drinking three bottles of wine per day he is literally never sober.

Absolutely dont facilitate it, dont invite him to drink fuelled gatherings, dont have masses of alcohol on site at your gatherings; thats a better approach.

No, i'm not BIL, but im wise enough to know that if OP raises and pushes this it wont go well. The family aren't ignorant imbeciles, they know what is going on, they are choosing not to deal with it for whatever reason. That isnt her issue to push forward, OP will be vilified as interfering and trouble causer.

If anything it needs to be DH that pushes it. Its his family, he has more place to push and he isnt, which tells its own story.