How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

Tracking her on an app won’t make her safer from other people, men or crashing her car.

Being given the life skills to deal with situations independently and how to develop resilience will make her safer in navigating life.

Neither you or your DH are helping her here, the fact she tracks you as well is learned behaviour from you, if you want to really cut the apron strings delete the app for a start it’s a false sense of security at best.

I wonder if all this ability to track and the whole 'mobile phone so you can ring at any time' thing is part of the cause of the huge rise in anxiety? I grew up when many people (us included) didn't even have a landline phone. My parents just HAD to trust me because the alternative was to follow me everywhere. My kids grew up (just) before mobile phones, so I had to trust THEM.

I can see how if you've known someone who was in a dreadful accident or was attacked you might feel more secure tracking your kids, but in reality, what are you going to do? Even if you can see, in real time, that their car is stopped, how do you know why? If you can see that they have stopped walking on their way home, how would you know whether it's because they've been attacked and are lying on the pavement or they've stopped to chat to a friend they've not seen in a while?

If anything bad does happen, you're too far away to help. And you can't remove all risks from life for your kids, much as you want to. You need to learn to let them develop their own life skills, because constantly checking to make sure they are where they are supposed to be isn't helping YOU, never mind them.

Gently you need to let go. Delete the tracker, and accept she’s an adult. Those of us whose dc are older know that you worry but it gets easier

op we still have our 18 year old on life 360. She can take herself off if she wants. But I think she likes the peace of mind. It’s no drama for me if she wants to come off

as for going out. She can go out. We do say door and chain is locked at 12. So she would have to find somewhere else after that time. She’s not allowed to come back drunk. But I also have a 12,8,5 and 4m baby.

it’s just having respect there’s other people in our house.

Instead of being surprised at the replies it would be more beneficial to you and your daughters to take what people are saying on board too.

Your eldest is an adult and her being young for her age is because you treat her young for her age with your anxiety.

Treating an adult with the respect to life their own life doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you’re doing your daughters no favours by continuing to treat them like small children.

I personally see this as over anxious tbh, especially with the 19 year old. Many 19 year olds at uni away from home. Can’t expect to check in with their parents all the time/ever about what they are doing.

Ignore those saying don’t track - it’s a hugely divisive subject on MN and we’ll never all agree. We all track each other quite happily by choice (DH, me, DD21, DS18), it works for us and we don’t actually check it that often, so do try to cut down if you’re checking it frequently.

DS was out for first NYE last night which felt odd but as he’s got little social life I was so pleased for him (and a bit sorry for DD stuck at home with us). Saying goodbye when they went to uni was gut-wrenching but had to tell myself it was a sign they were growing up. DD has flourished and become noticeably more confident and independent but still a loving daughter who likes spending time with us. DS is slowly getting more independent and at least now appreciates us more. You do get used to it, and better that they gradually pull away from you whilst living at home than that there’s a sudden change such as moving out permanently.

Get rid of the tracker and your husband.

@Blueybingomum If you're concerned about her arriving at work, why not get a tracker for the car instead of her phone? At least that would have a legitimate purpose beyond spying on your daughter.

This is making miss my own childhood and teenage years before trackers. I was good at texting my mum when i was going to be back home etc and that was fine. I’m not planning on tracking my own kids.

Jesus Christ. Absolutely get rid of that tracker!!

And on what planet do you put curfews on an adult?

Is there any way she can move out and do a houseshare or something? Sounds like she would massively benefit not being under the same roof as you two.

Her mother is responsible for her actions in failing to prevent her children from being abused.

I must really hate my kids. I have never had a tracking device for them 🤷‍♀️

No, of course no curfew. You both need to lighten up. Let her breathe.

Op, she's an adult, she's with a friend, neither of them drink, they have their own transport, not reliant on taxis, you can see where she is, and you know her phone is charged.
She's not stupid. She'll call you, or her friend will call if there is anything wrong.

Make sure she has breakdown cover and stop worrying.

By 18, I was living in London, in a bedsit on my own, with no friends - and I was fairly innocent, didn't go out much etc. It was fine.

OP, your daughter tracks you because this is learned and wrong behaviour from you. As a parent you're meant to give her the life skills to enable her to be independent and free from parental oversight. Despite many people telling you this in response to your post, you keep refuting what's being said and trotting out the same tired narrative. I know you're coming from a good place but what you are doing is harmful to your daughter, although she doesn't have enough freedom or life experience to recognise this yet. It's shackling her independence and you are projecting your insecurities into her. I do wonder why you posted your question as I don't think you're open to viewpoints that differ from your own deeply entrenched ideas. Putting your husband aside, I think counselling might be beneficial for you, if only to understand and cope with your anxiety.

I speak as someone who is now 61 and who, when I came home from Universiry in the late 80s, suddenly found myself under a curfew and set bedtime after three years of looking after myself and being a grown up. It's stifling and unnatural, and ultimately it ruined the relationship with my parents. Letting go is hard but you're failing your daughter if you don't understand why everything you've described is wrong or potentially damaging. Get to the root cause of your issues and address them. A tracking tool has no place in an adult relationship.

As for your husband, that's a different issue entirely and one for you to resolve through communication. It has nothing to do with your daughter and how you behave towards her.

I'm
Actually surprised at some of the replies. I have 2 daughters 19 and 17. I still get anxious when they go out and check in with them.

My eldest doesn't go out much and is young for her age but I'd still check in even if she wasn't. She is legally an adult but she's still my child.

For what it's worth she's allowed to do whatever she wants but I still ask where she will be and who with.

I think ops behaviour is reasonable although DH sounds a bit OTT.

You don't need to see that she's arrived at work! Of course she will arrive (and in the vanishingly unlikely event that she doesn't, someone will tell you).
Please, please let her live her life, because this is all so depressing.

Tracking is not going to help. If she's in a ditch or just parked up you wouldn't know the difference and it won't help either of you, it just reinforces the anxiety on both sides. Lots of us grew up and had our kids grow up before this constant tracking was a thing. Were we anxious about our kids? Yes, of course. I still worry about mine and they're all grown up with homes and families of their own. But, while I love them, I can't keep them safe forever.

You, your DH and, to some extent your DD, have to let go of one another. Trust is your friend here.

Stop using the tracker app

let your daughter live her life

tell your husband to get a grip

simple, OP! @Blueybingomum

First of all, stop tracking her, OP. You don't need to know where she is all the time, and all it does is make you anxious.

Just start imagining that she's 28, or 38..... you wouldn't stress about every little thing at these ages, so make a conscious decision to step back when you're getting too "stressy".

The tracking of each other is bizarre. If you want to see when she’s arrived at work, ask her to message: “I’ve got to work, see you later.”

We use L360 too - I thought the kids would want to delete it as they got older, but they don’t. They like seeing where we are, as much as I like seeing they got home safe! For instance I picked the eldest, in her 20’s up from the train yesterday afternoon, she could wait in the warm and see exactly when i pulled into the car park. They could delete it anytime, but like the convenience it offers. I think snapchat and similar apps do the same, so its just something younger people are happy with.

It’s also completely normal for youngsters not to drink these days, of course there are still some that overindulge but amongst my kids groups theyre more likely to be gym going T totalers than hedonistic drunks! They’d be appalled at me and DH at the same ages…

I don't see a major issue with having life 360 as long as it's used appropriately. DS (17) and I still have it activated but I don't track him on a night out. However I do use it to check if he's home when I wake up. That seems appropriate, saves me getting out of bed to check. There are the odd times it's useful for practical purposes too, but overuse fuels anxiety and infantilisation which is what OP is doing.

I have no issue with the tracking app, we all have each other on FMF over here - my parents, DH, my sister and BIL and two of our best friends.

But your husband is a twat. You’ll end up losing her altogether if he doesn’t sort his shit out.

She has to learn to navigate the dangers of life. That means experiencing some risk. Are you saying your DH has been in a bad mood because she's gone out for New Year's Eve? That is shocking.