How do cut the apron strings? Dd18

you all sound co dependent. Very unheathy relationships.

Your daughter could die in a fire, be iin a car crash, contract a deadly bug, fall down the stairs, slip in the shower or get a paper cut at work. Tracking her will not prevent any of these possibilities

The issue isn't your daughter. It's your husband and his moods. I would be more likely to cut that string.

So they can become a fully functioning adult, why would this not be something you’d want for your child?

It's not beneficial when it causes the level of fear and anxiety that OP describes. It also doesn't show you anything other than where someone's phone is.

He's in a foul mood because she's popped to a sleepy pub for a soft drink? He needs a big head wobble...

And you need to remove the ridiculous tracker app

This sounds really hard and I guess you’ve found the best available compromise with your midnight or find somewhere else to sleep rule. As someone also raised a young carer (term applies even if she does no direct care), I bet she’d appreciate your acknowledging that it’s a bit shit for her that it has to be curfew or move out. Just that acknowledgment, that it can’t be helped but that you see it’s crap for her, would be very powerful.

Personalities don’t change but lives might, for example moving out of home to go to uni. I’m so glad my mum wasn’t tracking me when I moved 2 hours away at the age of 19.

Stop tracking each other. No one needs to be tracked. It drives the wrong behaviours in people.

Absolute nonsense. My son put us all on life 360 it's a great thing and we're all independent people, it's just a good thing to have.

Why do you want to cut the apron strings on an 18yr old child? That's very strange to me.

I would say the norm amongst my friends (all of us have 17-19y olds) is to have find my iPhone or L360 set up but rarely use them. Mine was out last night and I looked once before midnight -just out of interest to see if they’d got into club they were hoping to go to. I think he came in about 6am

I did use it a bit more when he was first driving I will admit, but again think that’s pretty normal amongst my friends. Rarely check now and if I do its more for practicalities re meals etc- same as for my husband. We do have a black box on his car which alerts us if he is speeding which we’ll probably take out once he’s been driving for a year.

We ask for a heads up if he’s not home for evening meal and if he’s not coming home at night (quite often stays at girlfriends or mates) but that’s just for practicalities / locking up.

Do you have many other distractions in your life? I think it can be hard moving on from constantly being a taxi/organiser for your teens as they get more independent - though personally I’m loving getting that time and space back in my life, much as I love him!

Goodness. That does sound difficult for you.

Why on Earth do you need to track that she’s arrived at work safely? In case she has an RTA on the way? Perhaps both you and your husband would benefit from some therapy surrounding your anxieties with your daughter. I should think she has many anxieties herself due to your parenting style. She won’t live a full life if this continues.

The L360 can be useful & doesn’t equal dog microchip. But agree with pp no consequences for turning it off

It is a challenge - my 3 DDs are now adult and there were some worrying times when they first ventured out on their own. I used to lie awake till they came in.

But that did not stop me leaving them to enjoy their lives and I certainly would not have been tracking them, had that technology been available then.

I talked with them about safety - about how drinking to excess clouds their judgment, about contraception, about drugs, about how we would collect them from anywhere anytime if they felt concerned. It's all you can do really.

I had a jokey sentence with them: "Get pregnant if you must, but don't take drugs or get in a car with a driver who has been drinking or taking drugs!"

We also tried to get them driving themselves as soon as we could - I trusted their good sense as drivers more than someone I did not know.

OP you need to get out more and have hobbies of your own beyond tracking your DD. Would your DH allow you to go out and about or is he possessive of you?

But surely the chain you put on is still from the inside? I’m just trying to picture how this works.

Shes 17 which posters seem to have ignored. fine to have a curfew but it needs to be reasonable

This, surely you can lock the door when you go to bed and she could unlock it and put the chain on if she comes in later, there’s no logic to this.

No we have a lock for nighttime that can’t be done from the outside. If we don’t use it he could pick the other lock. Which he has done and we have had the police looking for him at 2am. As if he was to abscond he will go to water. She knows 12 and if she doesn’t like it. She’s old enough to move out.

She's an adult and it sounds like she's doing fine.

The issue here is how your dh manages his desire to restrict the lives of female family members by punishing them with his bad moods.

So give your older child a key

Agreed. It’s one thing to track your 12 year old going to school but it’s another to track an adult that much.

There is a level of enmeshment in your relationship that is not healthy and L360 is fuelling your anxiety.

If she genuinely is tracking you when you are driving, that is weird. Driving places for a job is a normal every day activity. It's not something that needs to be monitored.
If you are visiting customers/service users at home alone or something then tracking may be sensible but it should be your colleagues monitoring you during work hours or if you are self-employed, your husband. Not your 18 year old child. Her anxiety is being fed by you because you are modelling that an adult woman should be being monitored and tracked at all times which is weird and not how most women live their lives.

If she or you crashes the car, then it tracking isn't going to save a life or prevent serious injury.

If she is hiking a long distance trail alone, it may be sensible to track. If she is going to her friend's house or the local pub, it is not.

Keeping her "innocent" is not a desirable outcome for an adult. It makes her vulnerable to manipulation by others, particularly boyfriends. A controlling boyfriend might offer to track her every where on L360 and she would not see this as the massive red flag that it is.

A cure for this would be a plane ticket to New Zealand and a three month bus pass for NZ. No tracking unless she is off hiking alone.

Does she not have a key?
Can you lock from inside and put the key where your autistic child can't get at it?