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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our lives being run on partners mother's life!

113 replies

Elephant788 · 31/12/2025 18:26

So my partners mother lived with us for 4 months after lockdown and she gave everyone so much hell, from refusing to wash and only agrees to wash every 4-6 weeks. That caused such a stench. I wad expected to guve her a shower myself whilst I was in early pregnancy, and that meant lifting her etc as she had a stroke few years back.
All that was not appreciated, she used to curse me like butter wouldnt melt, She would be verbally abusive and called me and my grown up daughters names. I spent most of my days in tears and suffered.so much stress at her hands. I lost that pregnancy. My Partner would say well shes old and shes angry because she had a stroke.
Fast forward..., she moved out and lives in a bungalow 20mins walk away - she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Here is the issue -My Partner is in seriously in denial about the dementia to be point where even if her mobility is poor, poor memory, can't make any decisions, always falling in that bungalow (ive now refused to go and manually lift her up), shes incontinent of urine and faeces but he refuses to entertain any talk of a home at least to give her quality of life. She has Carers 4.times a day but she refused washes and still smells badly.

For context when I met my Partner he moved in my house and am a sole owner. I feel that he doesn't want his mum to go in a home because he'll lose inheriting her house when she dies as the Council would expect it to be sold to cover the care.
We were with her at Xmas and id booked a meal out. I paid £480 for the meal and my Partner didnt even offered to go halves. His mother wanted to pay something and he kept saying to her mum its already been paid for - I asked him why he was saying that as it hadn't been. She was kicking off in the restaurant, wet herself and was parting so loud and laughing about it...

Now we were suppose to eat at our local pub tomorrow for New Year day lunch but my Partner has now cancelled this late this afternoon, because she is still kicking off and if we went alone ( I have a 20 year daughter from my first marriage and two girls with him 6 and 4), apparently she'd miss out! So we cant go. He was meant to be paying for that, so thats cancelled.

Instead he says he is bringing her here to the house and he will cook!

AIBU after all I've been through to feel like my life is now determined by this woman and now shes ruined Xmas and now ruining New Year too?

Can I refuse for her to come and ask him to go be with his mum for New Year lunch. Normally I wouldn't mind supporting him with her but she's not a nice person. Even her neighbours don't speak to her so shes very lonely.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to rant❤️.

Am on the verge of thinking about splitting with him and asking him to leave but I dont want to raise kids alone when he's out there but the situation with his mum is draining and he gets very anxious and gets all over the place which affects the dynamics here.

Basically she rules and dictates what happens to everyone. I equally blames him too! Do I ask him to move in with his mother so I can breathe? Ive suggested this snd he refuses claiming he loves me🙄

Don't ask about love please,it doesnt matter t

  • the issues are summarised above

Thanks again if youve read this far Xx

OP posts:
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TheSunRisesInTheEast · 01/01/2026 22:09

I'm sorry, OP, but I've just re-read all your posts and all your animosity towards your partner is due to you not liking his mum/not liking how he interacts with his mum/his reluctance to put her in a care home. It sounds like you were happy before she became an issue with her dementia, despite not being married you are a family unit and even the title of your dilemma is about your "lives being run on partner's mother's life." I know from experience how difficult it can be caring for someone with dementia, having disagreements with your partner about his mother is bound to cause arguments, especially if you feel he is always fighting her corner and you feel unsupported and sidelined. He is having to watch his mum gradually fade away mentally, one day she won't even know who he is, that is heartbreaking. You don't have any loving feelings towards her, so it is very difficult for you to sympathise and you see her as a wedge between you and your partner. He loves you, wants to work on your relationship and your children are sadly caught up in the sadness of it all, they love you very much, they love their dad and probably their grandmother, so I expect it's all very difficult for them. Please ignore the people on here telling you to leave him, leave him, leave him. It sounds to me like you still have a relationship worth saving, you've just become overwhelmed with feeling unappreciated, undervalued and playing second fiddle to his mum. There may well be more to your relationship than you've posted, if he is at all abusive to you, either verbally or physically, then I'd say run for the hills, but from what you've posted that doesn't seem the case, ok you argue, but who doesn't have disagreements from time to time? Think long and hard about throwing in the towel, this is your life, people on here (myself included) can offer advice, but only you know the ins and outs of your relationship and your living arrangements. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you all the best for 2026 💐

Anyahyacinth · 01/01/2026 18:30

This man is a licencee in your home and you can just ask him to leave

BuckChuckets · 01/01/2026 16:35

As soon as he goes out for any reason, get the locks changed!

Bimblebombles · 01/01/2026 16:16

Take the mother out of the equation here - you're clearly unhappy in the relationship and need support to end it. Call Women's Aid for advice and / or the Police. I would also contact his brother if you have the means to do so and inform him how bad the situation is with the mother so that he can help push for the care home.

gamerchick · 01/01/2026 14:54

If you want him out and he threatens the police then tell him to go ahead and call them. They'll remove him, especially if he kicks off and if he kicks off and doesn't call them, then you ring them yourself.

I understand what it's like trying to get rid of a parasite. I had to get married to my now husband to get rid of my ex.

It's rough at the time but I would do it again in a heartbeat to get rid of him.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 12:42

Is he likely to wash up? Care for his mum when she has a toileting accident? Or will tha be your job!

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 12:29

Hes cooking now here am just so tired and dont want him kicking off in front of kids

Well, I think you'll be a lot less tired if you ask him to leave, then neither he or his mum will be your problem any more.

It doesn't sound like he is bringing any happiness into your life.

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 01/01/2026 12:29

Why are you allowing him to cook for her at YOUR house?? Tell him to f off and do it at his mother's house! You shouldn't have to come back to a messy kitchen as I imagine he won't tidy up etc. You need to be more firm and if you want him out the house, put your foot down and tell him his out! If he kicks off, ring police 👮

Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 12:15

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 12:00

I am doing the lunch with the girls and he said he'll be with his mum.

At your house or hers?

Hes cooking now here am just so tired and dont want him kicking off in front of kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 12:14

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 10:55

This.

You hold all the cards here-this man is vile.

Do you own the house outright-as in you have paid off your mortgage?

Show quote history

No i still have a mortgage

OP posts:
moderndilemma · 01/01/2026 12:06

Surely the way for his Mum not to go into care (and to avoid the house being sold) is if he moves in with her and becomes her carer and companion (in addition to the support she already recieves).

Maybe sometime, after the death of his Mum, when things are more stable for him and his anxiety is less, you both might want to rekindle the relationship - although once he has his own money and property you might find he's less interested in sharing yours??

If he is not willing to move in with his Mum, then it sounds like for the sake of her welfare, a care home is the only option. That would leave him potentially with no stake in any property, not his Mum's, and certainly not yours. I'm not surprised he's anxious and stressed. But he does have choices.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 12:01

Ive suggested he moves out temporarily to give us space but he refuses

You need to be a lot more firm.

'I don't want to be with you any more-you don't make me happy and I don't see any future with you. I want you to move out of my house by the weekend'

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 12:00

I am doing the lunch with the girls and he said he'll be with his mum.

At your house or hers?

rainbowunicorn22 · 01/01/2026 11:54

Kick him out, and he can go and live with his whiffy mum!
Today, take the youngsters out for a meal, bound to be somewhere you can without booking

FollowSpot · 01/01/2026 11:49

Thank god you are not married and have not put him on the Deeds.

Your poor older Dd, expected to have her family celebrations with his Mum. Also your house is your kids future inheritance, not his security while he connives to get his Mum’s house.

He has no right to ask you to sign over half your house to him. Bloody hell, major security risk for your ability to raise your youngest in the event of a split!

Even asking is a major red flag. Getting arsey: unforgivable.

Noshowlomo · 01/01/2026 11:34

Oh OP, I am so glad you didn’t put him on the deeds. The audacity of him to even ask.
I agree, you call the police to get him out. Give him a weeks notice at most

myhaggisblewup · 01/01/2026 11:20

HRFT
Are social services, other than carers, involved, she sounds as if this is elder abuse. esp as she has dementia too and needs full time care in a home.

Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 11:14

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/01/2026 05:48

His mother is not living in OP's house - that was a temporary arrangement.

And we can certainly suspect that the stress and physical exertion of caring for his mother contributed to losing the baby, but it's really not conclusive. I've just looked them both up.

Show quote history

I getnits not conclusive but I feel it was a strong contributing factor x

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 11:10

Fishingboatbobbingnight · 01/01/2026 02:56

The undue haste which so many MN posters advocate , splitting up a relationship especially with young children involved - is one of the MOST annoying things on MN
However . This is one of the few times I would say that for the sake of the kids and your happiness, he has to go.

You will find it a lot easier without this dead weight around your neck. Your home will be happier as well !

Your partner has his eye on his main chance . He thought fhat getting his name out on your dead’s was a sure fire way - only you were too smart to allow it , so now he is eagerly awaiting his mothers death and denying her the appropriate care because he wants his money . Or money he thinks is his.
someone needs to make a referral to adult safeguarding at her local council and fast x

Thank you Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 11:08

Firsttimecommentor · 01/01/2026 01:18

I think you need to refrain from thinking your Mother In law is awful. She has dementia. She cannot control the things she does.
The issue is with your partner. You need to be very clear that you cannot and will not care for her. You need to have clear boundaries. Yes take your girls out and say that was your plan. X

Show quote history

I am doing the lunch with the girls and he said he'll be with his mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant788 · 01/01/2026 11:07

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 01/01/2026 01:15

So it's less to do with your grievance towards his mother, and more to do with you wanting to get rid of your partner. I hope you're not being egged on by people on here who are so quick to tell you to get rid of him. How was your relationship before the strain of looking after his mum? Dementia is a cruel disease and needs professional help, he sounds like he can't accept that his mum needs more help now than home carers, a more permanent arrangement, ie care home would be more appropriate, although finances are an issue, and selling her house to pay for the care home is annoying but necessary. You have children with this man, were you happy together before having to deal with his mum and her dementia? Give your situation plenty of thought, you don't know how long his mum has left, it's probably very difficult for him to see his mum deteriorating with the dementia, it's very tough. Relationships have ups and downs, it would be good if you could support one another through the bad times, we are all strangers to you, don't throw everything away on the basis that some people on here want you to dump him and hang him out to dry, so to speak. Good luck in deciding what to do, but don't be hasty x

Things were good before his mum moved to be near us and he expects me to shoulder the burden. That is not reciprocated- my mum lives abroad and he doesnt make any effort eith her and due to the abuse I suffered when she lived here, ive decided to keep a distance myself for my own peace. It just appears that since she moved here, he obviously needs support as him and his brother dont get along and the bone of contention os the mother subject. Younger brother who is a year younger than him has said care home but it appears that he has been affected mentally by it all! And unfortunately am feeling quite deflated snd neglected as she is rhe centre of his attention and his denial about not considering a care home foe her to better her quality of life - am a qualified General nurse and ive tried to guve him advice but he has said he won't listen to me as 'am trying to get rid of her ' and that am not an expert in dementia.
Last night ive said to him since he doesnt care about his responsibilities in this family and all his being is centered about his mother he can go spend time with her and ill take the girls to the pub for the lunch.
His argument wad she would miss out on the meal since shes volatile and I said what about the kids and I? And he didnt seem to care hence him saying 'she'll be dead soon and you can rejoice ' those words were unkind so I just said to him I have no feeling whether shes alive or dead! I know and agree about everything youve said in your post but I feel like am drowning. Ive suggested he moves out temporarily to give us space but he refuses and says whatever problems we might have better to work them through whilst together. Its so hard. I dont feel much for him now because of the constant bickering surrounding his mother and his self entitlement thar he expects me to shoulder the burden of his mother and her challenges. Ma just so tired 😏😏😏

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2026 10:55

blackpooolrock · 01/01/2026 10:39

When he goes out get someone to change the lock and don't let him back in. If he asks where he can go tell him to go to his mums house. If he gets violent call the police and explain the situation.

This.

You hold all the cards here-this man is vile.

Do you own the house outright-as in you have paid off your mortgage?

SleafordSods · 01/01/2026 10:49

blackpooolrock · 01/01/2026 10:39

When he goes out get someone to change the lock and don't let him back in. If he asks where he can go tell him to go to his mums house. If he gets violent call the police and explain the situation.

^This

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 01/01/2026 10:49

I’m with everyone saying that this selfish man is benefitting from being with you and you are being utterly drained. Get rid of him. Your life will be better immediately.

SleafordSods · 01/01/2026 10:48

Ive researches and have to get Court involved as he won't leave and last time I packed his stuff he threatened to call police and went proper mental eith his anxiety pacing up and down saying I can throw him out! Bills are £3.5 ish total, he gives me.800 straight and doesnt pay any bills. Or nursery fees ive paid since last one DD almost 4 was 6months at nursery. Everytime I bring the Financial burden he shouts its not the point and won't dicuss it further
My plan is.to.get him out then claim he pays maintenance or co-parents 50/50.
He refuses to work FT!

I’m not sure where you’ve researched but I can’t see why the Court would get involved in you asking your Cocklodging Partner to leave.

If you’re worried about asking him to go, then phone one of the Domestic Abuse charities. They will give you advice on how to get him to go safely.

He doesn’t get to stay because he’s upset and you don’t have to let him. He also doesn’t get to stay because you’re worried about the reaction of the neighbours. That is the very least of your problems.

I doubt very much though that he’s going to co-parent 50/50 or pay for his DC. He’s doing anywhere near that now.

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