AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

Stop and take a breath.

Ask yourself - are my needs and wants really less important than everyone else’s?

When you realise they are just as important then think about how you get them met.

Setting boundaries is hard because you will feel guilty and the family will resist (I speak from experience). Why would they go along with your boundaries when that makes their life less easy.

Pick a couple of things you feel you can enforce. I started with ones that were hard for anyone to challenge such as I go off duty at 10pm at night (it’s now earlier but I started at 10pm). So barring genuine emergencies I would not deal with any request after 10pm. If people weren’t listening I went and sat in bed with a book.

I take Saturday off, no admin or housework unless I need something done.

DH and the DS (late teens and early 20’s) still seem to expect me to do things when it suits them but I am much more comfortable saying “no I will do it in an hour” or “why do you need me to do this, do it yourself”. They still push the boundary but I keep repeating it. I also don’t give reasons as that creates the impression I am prepared to be persuaded otherwise.

It will feel uncomfortable at first and it will take adjustment all round but over time people will adjust their expectations.

TL:DR - you are entitled to time and space and you don’t need to justify it to anyone

When you stand up for yourself

no you don’t need to take anyone shopping - is there a bus?

yiu don’t need to strip just use words like “that’s a no form me “ “I’m having a quiet day as I’m tired “ “ask your dad “

Apart from working, for which you are given money in exchange, you will be the age that this stops when you are the age to get yourself a backbone and stop doing it. And yes you are being unreasonable by behaving as though this is someone else's fault.

Exactly this.
Where I come from, it's called a "Sandwich generation". Mostly women. I firmly refused to become one of these. My elderly uncle says "men in my family are shit, but women are great".
Well, no, the men say loud and clear they don't have the time. Neither do I.

From what I have seen once someone assumes a particular burden it becomes theirs for life. Once you step up anyone else who might have been required or expected to step up take several large steps backwards. They then convince themselves that you are doing it because you enjoy it or are better at it. They then put it completely out of their minds and see it as not their problem.
It seems to be especially the case when it comes to elderly parents, the sibling who starts doing the work quickly feels completely trapped and overwhelmed.
The other siblings carry on with their lives, secure in the knowledge that they can get away with doing nothing but they will still get their share of the money.

Ive had teenagers and could easy have slipped into your routine if I didnt prioritise myself sometimes.
The kids didnt often ask for lifts but I would pick and choose what I gave.
Was happy to college until ds2 past his test ( college was over 30 miles away) and he usually made his own way back.

If they were out late at night me or dh woul pick up but would often share the chore wion rotation with their mates parents or they would get a taxi back. It was cheap enough when it was shared 4 ways.

I didnt do day time lifts. The lads usually shared a taxi which was cheaper, quicker and took them directly to where they wanted to go than getting a bus into town and out to their destination.

Dh more often than not puts my needs first ( I wish he would put himself first instead of the bottom of the pile but thats another thread) but your dh should take no for an answer and back you up with teen lifts and tell them to sling their hook!! Say no, you dont fancy going out, he can, but you want a chill day.

With parents give them a time frame that your free. Say mum, dad, ive got a lot of stuff going on if you need any errands im free on.......... at.........

Get the teens to help out. Say 'i need you to pop in to see nan and grandad tomorrow morning they need a couple if errands doing.

Its hard at saying no but just remember you only have two hands to lend and they get tired!

Start drinking with breakfast then you won't be able to drive.

I’ve been there and got the T shirt, I wish I hadn’t let it creep up because it really does.

I co parent teens and am divorced. Life is quite lonely and quiet and dull a lot of the time. I’d sooner be busy and have more relationships in my life.

Perhaps try to flip your perspective. You have lots of people and relationships in your life and relationships by their very nature will make demands of you. Better than being alone or lonely?

People love to play the martyr. Yawn.

You are an adult. Say no more often. The more you do the more they expect.

I see it as part of parenting to give children lifts, money etc BUT, why haven’t you and your husband raised them to be more considerate, give some warning of their plans and be grateful, not to just expect it and expect you to drop everything. By the teen years, if they’re raised well, they should consider others needs.

As for elderly parents, you’re not obliged to care for them in the same way you chose to have children that you must care for. They can get external help if they need it and you are unable to provide it.

Say no to your husband.

Get it sorted. Set some boundaries before your health suffers more. Stop being a martyr.

As long as you keep saying yes, they keep expecting more from you and are less and less grateful.

We've had a teen with MH crisis which I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it is amazing how many things that used to feel essential or important just dropped away when push came to shove.

We have done very little this week. DH and I have spent a lot of time on the sofa. It's not aspirational but it was necessary so we did it. I think as women we are brought up to put our own needs and wants on the bottom of the pile. Unless you have a particularly solicitous partner the only person who is going to advocate for your choice is you. So do it. You ARE allowed and the world won't stop turning, I promise. You might even find they appreciate you more when you do less for them.

I feel quite the same, there's always someone wanting something or needing something and trying work, raise a kid, run a house, help out elderly/disabled parents - it's a lot and we find ourselves at the bottom of the list.

Its easy to say and difficult to do but you need to start setting boundaries. Block off time for yourself and make it clear to everyone that you are not to be disturbed, and stick to it. I started very simply with saying I am going for a bath and taking my book and I am NOT to be disturbed. Nobody is to knock the door or ask me questions. It took a few attempts for my daughter to get the message - not because of anything to do with her, but because previously I'd made so much more about her right to boundaries and never enforced any of my own.

Tell them in advance and brick wall them until they get the message. You're the only one who can do this, they won't go along with it without you drawing the line. I would start with Friday - tell your husband to take responsibility for what 'needs' done with your daughter as you're having a day off. And then do whatever you damn well please regardless of the fall out. Someone will be pissed off but it won't be you. Women need to take back their lives.

Edit: also with your parents it's really important that you set a schedule so you're not burning out. I don't visit my mum ad hoc, which sounds pretty awful, but the reason for that is exactly that she always needs something done. So if that's what the relationship looks like right now, then I pencil it in as the task it is. In the future I will try to set times where I can visit and NOT be expected to do things except just visit her.

I really don’t get why you can’t say no? The more you say no the more the more they will check whether it suits you to do stuff for them before over committing on your behalf.

Tell all your family you are OOO until Monday. Then spend the next few days doing whatever you want.

Set expectations in advance. I think its reasonable people expect you do things if you are there, seem available, don't seem to mind.

So for next week agree a plan that is a good compromise.
If people then spontaneously want u to do something you can be busy instead. Like teenager arrives home with friend - what a shame you're out at a coffee shop reading a book or you're going for a walk.

Just say "no". Your husband can go run errands on his own. Your daughter can take the bus to go shopping. Your parents can wait a day (or ask someone else). Learn to put yourself first now and again.

Communication is your friend with this OP……..start by telling the teenagers to catch a bus to go shopping………tell your DH he can do those errands on his own………and after making sure your parents have enough food in, tell them you will see them again at a pre-planned day/time as you’re going to be doing xxxx and yyyy. Only you can make yourself unavailable to them all. Happy New Year and I hope you get some precious time to yourself!

My parents had to do this in the end - set a day a week otherwise it took over and it did damage their health. They had to agree to days off with each other when they went out and did things together - and then days they'd deal with parents stuff - otherwise it was all the time.

Welcome to the middle years of life, when you are technically operating at the top of your game and younger and older generations both are needier than you. It's normal to feel this way - it evens out over a lifetime. I totally get that it's wearing and feel free to moan.

Can he do the jobs himself - if so tell him to do that.

DH in edcuation sector and he's had an full on term - there a few jobs that have built up I do need him for ie can't do myself or with others and they've built up but he's had a good break doing nothing but chilling and these last few days I am trying to get these last few jobs done with him so they don't wait few more months. However it is a series of adult conversations - where we both speak and get listen to and no-one has to strop off in a snit.

There’s helping people out with things and there’s setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

OP, nothing new here, but all this will stop the second you say ‘no’. You need to start introducing phrases such as ‘So what?’ ‘I don’t care’, ‘Nope, not doing that’ and ‘you’re a bright boy/girl/man, I’m sure you’ll figure it out’.

A quick text to your mum and dad to tell them that if they need anything, write it down and you’ll deal with it on Monday, as your phone is being switched off.

Teens; a blanket ‘no’. If they got themselves there, they can get themselves back. If that means they have to walk four miles to the nearest bus stop, then so be it. We walked these distances when we were teens, there’s no reason they can’t. If they haven’t budgeted for it from pocket money, then they’re bang out of luck.

DH; ‘we’ aren’t going anywhere. You can go wherever you like, or you can join me on the sofa with a good book, a cup of tea and the biscuit tin. It’s either that, or I book myself into a hotel for a week and leave you all to it. Your choice’

And if there’s any pushback, then channel your inner teen and throw the mother of all tantrums. Tell them that you are sick of having to continually wipe the arses of adults and teenagers. You’re not doing anything for anyone until Monday and if anyone approaches you with a problem, they need to have to solution ready to go with it, that doesn’t involve your bank account or you getting off the sofa. You can do this!

Time to put boundaries in place, especially with regard to your parents as their needs will only get greater.