AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

OP hasn't come back…

Sadly, instead of nursing a cuppa - or something stronger - in bed, reading a book or chatting to friends on the phone or posting on MN, she is still out and about, running errands and doing things she doesn’t want to do.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 - what needs to happen for you to start looking after yourself and prioritising YOUR needs and wants, at least some of the time - especially when you are as exhausted and fed up as you clearly are.

This! I’ve got a 17 year old. He doesn’t assume I’ll give him a lift. He has to ask. If it’s not convenient for me, he walks or goes on the bus.

ha ha, it'll work though lol 😄

I agree and I also agree that it does depend on public transport options (some MNers clearly have never lived rurally where transport options are very limited!) I like your suggestion - it seems workable longer term.

There are shades of grey in this too. Eg teen and friend get bus into town and you pick them up later. Even if you have to drop them at a suitable bus stop, it would give you most of the day back.

This!
Use your words.
They only treat you this way because you let them.

Do you live rurally? Is there no public transport? I’ve got 2 teens and they get themselves to where they need to go. I’ve been reading books and doing jigsaws in my PJs. They’re currently off doing whatever with their mates. 14 and 16.

Hugs op, it’s so difficult to find the balance, exact same except I work in retail and literally had three days off this whole holiday and uk th help do stuff each of these days. Because I work weekends it means every single day in December I was up for one reason or another. It sucks

and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping
umm, no. Why can’t he take them? I’m assuming from your post he can’t drive himself, so he needs to get the bus/taxi. This will continue until you stop it OP. None of them will magically wake up and realise you need a break.

You need to take control of your own life. Tell your kids that if they don't ask first then they don't get a lift. You are in charge of them, not the other way round.

DD 17, wouldn't dream of arranging anything without asking me first. If I can't take her then she doesn't go or she has to find an alternative way of going.

Tell your DH that you want a quiet day and won't be going anywhere. Tell your DD that you can't take her shopping.

The word is “No.”

It is a complete sentence. The world won’t fall apart if DH and teenage children have to sort themselves out to where they’re going. You want to stay home in Jamie’s and read. Thats your plan. Stick to it.

You will continue to be treated this way for as long as you allow it to continue. People pleasing comes in all forms

You cannot change other people's behaviour, only yours. Instead of building resentment and seething that others put their expectations and demands upon you, take action and start using your words

No is a complete sentence. Perhaps 2026 is the year you start putting yourself first!

You have Cancer so you need to slow down a bit! I have had Cancer too and have learnt to delegate tasks .Your DH is being unfair.Surely he can take Teen and friend or drop them off? Is public transport avaliable at all.You need to rest and take it easy!

I am curious @Whenisitmyturn29384 , why don't you say No? Why can't you say No?
I am genuinely curious.
Youndonsound like a teenager and react like a teenager. Were your parents very strict? Shouty? Punitive? when you were growing up?

Is your DH Shouty? Punitive? A sulker? Controlling? Pushy? Relentless?

You know you do have agency over your own time, right?

Why are you grudgingly getting ready instead of just NOT getting ready, sit and enjoy your cup of tea and tell DH and DP that today is for you. Fullstop. And maybe even tomorrow too.

What is the worst would happen? Let me tell you

• Life would go on and
• you would get some rest,
• you would some brain space,
• you would get some breathing space
• in addition you would add a few more days to the whatever longevity of good health itbcurentlybstands at
• you will also gain yourself some respect and consideration from your loved ones

Try and love yourself

Just stick your gown on.

Make a hot drink and vegetate in front of the TV.

And don't move for any reason.

If anyone has any questions or tells you to do anything just nod your head while enjoying your drink

They cant force you to move. And they're old enough to take care of themselves.

I'm assuming husband doesn't drive?

Why do you have to do what he wants?

Been there, done that, still doing it despite children all in their 30s, one sickly/aged/demented parent left and me retired.

99% of the time I'm fine with it and wouldn't swap - but sometimes I'd like a day off, a phone call that doesn't result in cars to repair, leaks to fix etc.

If it's parents' taxis tell them they need to book and swap other tasks to save you a bit of time ie they take bins out, walk dogs, hoover etc.

All the best.

Nobody will respect you and your time until you start respecting yourself.

Say no. Tell them to make their own arrangements. Refuse to go along with their plans unless you're asked (and agree) in advance. It's all perfectly possible.

It sounds like you need some boundaries and to set some rules. I know it's easier said than done particularly once you are already in a pattern.

But things like, why do you need to take your daughter and friend shopping? Cant they take themselves?

Everyone needs to start asking you before assuming things. You said that your children arranged things assuming you'd be available. That needs to stop. Either they ask you before agreeing it (and stick to your guns when you say no) or you tell them what days you will or will not be available and leave it up to them to work around that.

You deserve a break. It clearly wont be offered so you need to enforce it.

When you're someone who has quite a sacrificial nature, you end up conditioning other people to treat you like their personal slave. This situation sounds difficult, and it's one that you have co-created.

Which means it's absolutely within your power to change it. There's no point becoming upset and stressed over it while continuing to choose to do all of this.

Figure out what level of ferrying around you're comfortable with for both generations (and I mean genuinely comfortable, you're happy doing it, and won't resent it), and stick to it.

You can make a big thing out of announcing it if you want, or simply start tomorrow accepting the things you want to do and declining the stuff you don't.

Your last few sentences kinda suggest you've slipped into quite a passive, moody teenager role, where you're being a bit petulant saying 'when is it my turn!?' as if it's up to someone else to grant. It isn't. It's your choice.

@Thegrassroots26

so…what?? OP should think herself lucky and suck it up??

NO!

there’s a big difference between being busy and being a martyr

its perfectly possible to have relationships which don’t involve the woman sacrificing herself and being a martyr.

If my, or anyone else's, "harsh" comments hike the OP out of the mindset she is in now then I will happily bypass growing some (more) empathy

Why aren’t your teens taking public transport, do you live in a super remote area? I was taking public transport to meet friends or go to the cinema from 11 years old. It’s good for building independence and confidence although I admit I was sometimes a bit jealous of children whose mothers drove them everywhere.

What is going on with everyone today - jumping on the OP like this!. As I posted upthread, it's really difficult to get out of habits like this. 'Growing a backbone' requires serious rethinking of one's ideas about oneself. It's hard! Some people find it impossible. Grow some empathy

Start saying no then

Take control of your own life