AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

Sounds like you need a spell in Rancho Relaxo. It worked a treat for Marge Simpson. 😊

I'm only half joking. Could you afford a short weekend break alone? It might give your family a wake up call.

If that doesn't work you'll have to go full Shirley Valentine.

Strength & Honour ✊

OP I have just recently had to say no and put my foot down too.Am I sorry NOPE not one bit. Mine was worse than yours because they wouldn't even ask. They presummed and I had had a gutful. I realized no one made me a meal, no one did my laundry, no one offered to help me in anyway they just expected, demanded, cajolled or whined until I just did their bidding for a bit of peace. No respect or consideration for me so I gave out a few home truths and to be honest it went down like a lead balloon but I don't care. I value me and my time and I wasn't put on this earth to make their lives run smoothly at the detriment to myself. So what if my husband hasn't spoken for 3 days to me ...the peace is heavenly and I am doing my own thing to suit me. He will come round. ..It was just not acceptable to me anymore to be the whipping boy taking on everyone elses crap they wouldnt handle,, note wouldn't not couldn't. Well I couldnt ..couldn't be arsed anymore to come last in this house. She will do it .nope she will not not anymore sort your own selves out she yelled and you know what grumpy or not they are! I, like you am a person too before a wife,mother,daughter,and they are going to have to see that.

The kids' lifts I can deal with and is par for the course if you have chosen to love rurally but your DH not going anywhere without you would drive me insane. Gosh I need time by myself! Where did he need to go today that he couldn't go alone? We are both teachers and by the end of the holidays I can sense we have spent too much time together and he starts getting on my nerves but at least we do our own things some days! Tell him to crack on without you!

This time of year is pretty overwhelming so be kinder to yourself. Tell your husband you don't want to live in his pocket and he needs to take on more of the errands / drop-offs so you can have a break. Can you arrange to go for a walk or get some lunch with a friend, to get out for a few hours on your own, and come back with a clear head before this conversation?

Setting better boundaries with your parents is something that may be quicker to address - first step is to turn your phone off if they call frequently. Work out what is a reasonable amount of time you can give them a day / week / number of tasks to do for them, and set a hard line with it.

Living semi-rural was your choice - not something to take out on your children. Any resentment you have about this will infect your relationship with them. Until they can drive themselves (and you support them with this as needed) you need to accept you and your husband are responsible for their travel.

Tricky re the lifts because if you choose to live rurally then you kind of sign up for lots of lifts. The only alternative is to have a grumpy teen stuck at home which isn’t fun for anyone.

Maybe more structure around the lifts ie you need 24 hours notice and you and DH take turns giving lifts.

Also tell your husband « no » - he’s an adult and your chill time is vital.

Why the fuck doesn't your husband ever go anywhere without you?

Unless he has no legs this is both lazy and controlling which is quite a feat.

He should be taking exactly half the lift-giving load - why can't he drive your car?

Your son is shaping up to have as much respect for women as his dad, which is to be expected.

I would tell them all that Im not available at all for lifts on X day, none so don't bother asking.
Currently you are at their beck and call which is unfair, you are not a taxi service they can just call up.
Start taking your time back with " not available on X day"
This why I refused to live rurally with teenagers
We have bus every 20 mins, train every 30 mins and they all cycled.

For your own mental health and sanity you need some time to yourself. I think you shoukd have a heart to heart with DH tell him How you are feeling and agree your time when he can go do wbatever himself. Your kids need the riot act read to them.. No more organising social life without first asking otherwise the answer is a flat no. Hope you get some rest time.

You can do what you want whenever you want OP.

Just because your son and his friends want a lift, it doesn't mean they can take the piss and just expect it without asking you if its ok first.

Tell your husband to stop being such a big, needy baby. You don't want to go out and if he does then he can go by himself.
Just stop being such a doormat.

I’m 43. My parents get told no, sorry I’m busy unless it’s very urgent or arranged well in advance.
The kids can go on their bikes. Or walk. Their choice.
The husband can drive your car. Or he stays at home. I have no time or inclination to accompany him on any errands.

Sometimes though I say I’m going to the gym and I’m not lying I am in a gym but I’m sitting in the sauna. You should try that

It is so important to say no and prioritise your own self care - for your own well being and so your kids don't grow up to be thoughtless and unable to see the needs of other people. Put your foot down and tell them YOUR plans - 'I'm having a duvet day, don't factor me into any aspect of your arrangements, thanks.' It is okay for teenagers to miss out on a social activity so a parent can have a well earned rest. I posted on another forum about whether we were being unfair refusing to drive our teen to another town for a social event after we had ferried her about for weeks and were absolutely exhausted. The amount of mothers telling me I should disregard my own needs and just do what she wanted was staggering. I would be raising my kids to have ZERO regard for me if I continued with that mentality - so be old school, say enough and take your time. Good luck!

Just because your DS has rang for a lift home, he needs to understand the time not be convenient and he may have to wait or make his own way home by public transport or bike

Say no.
Why are you allowing your husband to dictate to you what you are doing anyway?!!

Put your foot down and say no. Tell them that for the remainder of the holidays you are putting your feet up and doing nothing. Your DH can entertain DC, take them out with him and give lifts. DC can get the bus, walk or get a lift from a friend.

Can DH not drive your car??

Definitely start saying no.

I’m happy to do things for my parents and to a large extent teens, but I’m not a servant or a taxi service. Sounds like your kids also have a present father, so you aren’t solely responsible for their care.

Yesterday I told my family I was going for a walk, then to a cafe to read and would be gone most of the day and not available. Switched my phone to silent and only checked it a couple of times. I’m doing the same in a few days time, but taking myself for a swim, massage and manicure.

I also have a time every morning where I do yoga and meditate - family told not to disturb.

Extinguish the martyr in you. Just tell them what you’re doing. Then do it.

@Whenisitmyturn29384

I was rural too, though in the US so I recognize that the 'driving culture' is different here.

As far as chauffeuring the kids around, that's one of the minuses of living in the country. For us it meant NO public transport whatsoever. Not sure how old your teens are, but if they are 'of age' at least one of them should have a license. I know lessons are expensive there, but so worth the cost. Obvs here it's normal for teens to get their license at 16 and I can't tell you what a relief it was when they could drive themselves around. We were also fortunate to be able to have a 'beater' car for their use once they proved 'safe'. If that's not possible, then you and DH should take turns ferrying them about and be sure that other parents are doing their bit. Can non-driving parents (virtually unheard of here) arrange Ubers some of the time? (Mine were teens pre-Uber but 'everyone drives here' so sharing the load wasn't a problem until the kids started getting licenses).

OK, that's out of the way.

Your time is yours, you just need to set the rules, especially when it comes to your DH. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time AND he needs to learn to run errands/go places on his own. It's really a waste of resources to go everywhere together like that. If there were errands to run we'd often split them so things got done in half the time. Or one would run the errands whilst the other did 'chores' during the time they were gone. This often left us free for the rest of the day.

For your parents, tell them that if they have anything to do, they need to set them up for a particular day, not spread them out all during the week. They also need to give you at least 48 hrs advance notice of when that day will be. It's possible, they just won't like it. Also, if they can use public transport, taxi, or uber they need to do that and save your services for emergencies and medical appointments.

You may also want to declare one day a week a 'no drive day'. Let DH, your parents, and the kids know that on X day that week you will NOT be getting behind the wheel. So for example on Sunday morning you say "I will not be driving anywhere on Tuesday. Make your plans accordingly". Then stick to it.

can I go and fetch him with 3 other lads too. They are waiting now. Now they are getting freshened up then want a lift to the next place. Its never ending!!!

No-that's just taking the piss imo.

Where are are they that there is no other means than you to get from that place to the next?

Plan ahead for a day meeting your friends for lunch and afternoon at a wine bar or a day at home in your pj’s watching rubbish tv. Let the rest of the family know what is happening so they can make their own arrangements.
Copy and repeat on a regular basis.

Start standing up for yourself. Have a family meeting tonight. Tell everyone you are tired don’t want to run round after them anymore or do anything do the rest of the holiday so you are staying at home reading eating watching tv. Dh can run the kids round in your car and can go wherever he wants. You are staying at home

Can they not walk?

Am sorry, but to an extent you really are in charge. Over 2 weeks holiday, I would've told everyone "on Friday and Sat, I am not available. I am having a much needed 'me' days, please do not ask for any lifts/make arrangements that involve me".

May be time to start doing things like this in future. Honestly, I wish my partner had with his elderly dad - he was there so much and on call for the rest, he nearly reached burn out and that was with me helping too. You really do have to look after yourself as well as you look after everyone else. Go easy OP!

Why are you just going along with all this bollocks?

Say no. If your DH's car is broken, he can get a taxi or drive yours, surely?

You should have both cars insured for each of you.

why are they not?

Just say no to going with your husband. He can facilitate his own lifts if he is not able to drive your car.

My kids would be told I need 24 hour notice of their plans and I need to have agreed to supporting them before they commit me or them selves to said plans.