AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

There is a group of about 20 lads

That's 30+ parents that can be giving lifts. Why do you end up doing it so much?

No matter what, your kids have to ask you if you can drive them before agreeing to any activity. You are not their built in chauffeur. This calling and expecting you to drive multiple kids home to "freshen up", then out again and back is pure bullshit. One drive out and back a couple times a week is plenty. I wouldn't be driving anybody anywhere after one pickup. You need to limit the rides and tap other parents.

You're martyring yourself for nothing. Your kids don't appreciate it. And it sure won't help your health issues.

Why aren't both you and your husband insured on each other's cars? Why isn't his in the shop getting fixed? Why can't he run an errand by himself? Why can't you put your foot down and say no?

It's time for a Come to Jesus meeting with your family. Think about what you need to prioritize in the coming year. You really need to get your health issues seen to. Get that other car fixed. Permission first before any activities and they are limited, not daily. Set up everything you can for your parents on auto and give them x hours a week x1, unless emergency. Get any kids of age licensed to drive.

It sounds like your husband is a drain on you and you should address that with him privately.

You didn't HAVE to do it, you chose to. And even if you weren't willing to leave them stranded, you certainly didn't have to take them to the next place.

Husband thinks he can dictate - well, is he right to think so, or is he wrong? You can decide that. You don't have to be dictated to.

Have you ever thought about just being a bit less available? Like, going somewhere fun, on your own? And turning your phone off? You don't have to answer every time. I think you'll find they work something out, and the sky won't fall.

Definitely start being less available - and particularly to your husband. Mine has a habit of asking me everything rather than working stuff out for himself. My stock answer is now ‘I don’t know’ to pretty much everything that isn’t clearly within my expertise - he can use Google or websites just as well as everyone else!

Teens in a rural area are harder but they need to understand that you’ll prioritise the lifts - so getting them home when all transport is finished is more important than a lift to make life easier / quicker. Am glad I live in the outskirts of London - there is no where really DS can’t get to under his own steam.

You really do sound like a taxi service for your son. Not in a good way

When my DCs got to be teenagers then I made it very clear that if they wanted to maximise the chance of me agreeing to giving them a lift then they should give me lots of notice. Ask me two weeks in advance? Sure, I'll put it on my calendar and plan around it. Ask me two days in advance? You might get a "no", or at least an "ok but it'll have to be at <x> time that suits me because I've got other plans". Ask me 20min in advance? You're probably going to get a "no" unless you're lucky.

I made explicit exceptions for "You're out late at night and everything's gone horribly wrong and you need rescuing" but I'm not a taxi service. I've got a life and plans too and just because I'm older it doesn't make those plans any less worthwhile.

with teenagers and older parents it is all about boundaries

not their boundaries, but your own

the teens want to go shopping? Of course they can but you cannot take them

as you are off with friends/out to the gym/going for a walk on the beach, whatever, or maybe you are going shopping but it is on your terms and you decide where and when

for me it was important to get my own hobby, I took up tennis at 45 and it’s funny how people respect your own time if it is a planned event (“sorry but I have a match in that afternoon” or “I can drop you in town but you’ll need to get dad/bus/friend’s parent to take you home as I have a coaching session to go to)

you can have “you time” but you need to plan it and put it in the diary, and it needs to be outside the home or it won’t happen

As my Gran always says. If you don’t want people to wipe their feet on you, don’t act like a doormat.

This.

Although the teens need to be less entitled about lifts, the context means that giving the kids lifts is fair given it's the parents who choose where the family live.

The teens need a reminder to be polite and less pushy and accept a no from time to time in the context of generally lifts being provided if feasible - but overall it is far more a "D"H problem than a teenagers problem.

I’m sorry to sound unsympathetic but the lifts for the teenagers come as part of the contract if you live rurally. They didn’t choose to live in the arse end of nowhere. The adults made that decision and now have to live with the consequences until the young people have licenses. You can probably tell that I believe it’s ridiculous to live in the sticks with teenagers - unless you are quite literally a farmer whose living depends on living rurally.
As much as I love ‘This Country’ I would never, ever raise kids where they can’t leave the house without a lift.

Well of course, the OP can make any rules she likes, it's just easier if the teenagers have other transport options.

This one is on you, op

It is your choice how you spend your time.

You can sort it and am sure you will but it will take time, good communication and determination. They are all used to you bearing the load of planning and organising so you switch a bit to organising on your terms.
Ask for a family meeting, say the coming year cannot be more of the same. You could suggest some pretty unpalatable alternatives, move into town, kids only get out x days a week, then move to the things you want to not have to do these.
You are not an uber, you are not an on demand service. Lifts are not unlimited so you prioritise, school first, medical appointments, sport and other commitments then social.
You need a planner so that they can come to you and get agreement. If one person has to be driven then others can time shopping, social stuff to suit. You could work it so that you did something as well whether that is shop or coffee on your own.
Make sure you are not being the parents who do more than their share.
Make sure that your kids have all necessary in case they have to walk a bit. Phone with location on, reflective clothing, weatherproof clothing.
Make sure you and they prioritise getting driving license.
Your husband will have to learn to do things on his own. If he wants to go out then he can combine that with driving the kids.
Tell them you are tired, tell them that your new year resolution is self care. Train them that if you are sitting down with a book you are sitting reading, not waiting for the next demand on your time. Consider taking up knitting, you can legitimately then tell people you are concentrating or counting and not to speak to you and if this doesn’t work you can stab them with the needles.
For the next few days put on lounge wear and start drinking with breakfast then no one can persuade you to go out.

You say your husband never goes anywhere without you but is the reverse also true? Does he accompany you everywhere you go? Does he share the load equally with these rides you give to your son and his friends? How do you fit all the kids in the car if he comes along on all your lifts? Or does he expect you to accompany him on his every little errand but also to do other errands without him while he relaxes?

Your husband sounds a bit controlling of you honestly.

Put a calendar on the wall that everyone can see. Put the times in when you’re not available so they can ask for your help outside of those times.

If you work in education don’t you get a week to rest every six weeks or so?

So many solutions to this problem and yet so many excuses, it’s as if you don’t want to be happy!

You really must say no and mean it, the kids are too entitled and expectant.
Your husband in the other hand is a big baby, he needs to be told you are not going to go with him. No excuses, you say no. If this carries on you will have bought it on yourself. Its in your hands now. Good luck you deserve better.

Sounds blissful but I wouldn't have people to stay when I had to work
Hard No

Are you an all-round people pleaser?

On Monday night I couldn’t face going home between my shifts at work on Monday and Tuesday as we have a house full and I’m expected to feed and entertain everyone.

I booked a room at a budget hotel up the road from
my workplace and stayed there for the night telling my family I needed some R&R.

Best £41 I’ve ever spent

OP you still have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday for some down time, I hope you read all the comments and implement some of the suggestions.

Where are the other 3 kids parents? You can have more say over what you do with your days but don't want to exercise it. Yes there will be pushback but you matter too.

No one ever thanks a martyr, why do it to yourself?

New year new start. Tell everyone to no longer just assume you can or will do things for them. If they want your help they need to ask you in good time and be prepared to negotiate, compromise or get a flat no.

Just one practical suggestion. Do a family calendar and block out what you are not available. Any questions, direct them to that.