AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

It’s difficult because as a parent, you can’t really expect to just put your feet up and not do anything for 2 weeks over Christmas, however your teens definitely need to show you more respect and ask before they arrange things. Mine are 14 & 12 and would never arrange anything without asking me or their father first. We live rurally so they rely on us / friends parents for lifts still, and understand that this is a privilege not a right. If I were you I just would be unavailable for anything that isn’t on the calendar and previously agreed upon. Take yourself off out in the car, park up somewhere and read your book for a few hours. That should get the message across. We have a month-to view family calendar on the fridge and anything that has been agreed is on there - other things do happen spontaneously as well, but only if it fits with everyone in the house.

it’s trickier with parents, I’m lucky in that mine and the in-laws appreciate lifts and favours but are still very independent and they live 100s of miles away,

Stop moaning. You chose to have kids. Kids that need constant care until 18 when they leave home.

likewise everyone’s parents when they get old, need constant care.

It’s called sacrifice. Everyone has your predicament, but they just shut up and get on with it.

zero sympathy from me.

This is so important! My DS uses buses and trains, and is also expected to walk anywhere within 30 mins radius. If I didn't want to take him shopping, I would not go. I also wouldn't give him money if he asked for it. He has to manage a budget. My husband and I agree leisure time together, too. OP needs to stick up for herself.

I have much empathy OP, and if you are not careful you will accumulate more responsibility as you are “useful and competent”.

I have now decided that a certain amount of incompetence is no bad thing. It forces others to learn life skills and if they mess it up it is another valuable learning opportunity.

Looking forward to immediate relocation post all kids being 18 to small central London flat and giving up on “competence” as some sort of ordained female task for other people

So DH can drive your car and fetch lads. Why should you?

We have a shared diary on our phones - kids have to check what’s in it before they make plans - and check if we’re free to take them places before they add anything in. Works really well for us.
it’s definitely ok to say no & have some time for yourself :-)

I grew up in a village bus once an hour to one place not before 9 and not after 5.

Parents had one car so learnt very early lifts were not guaranteed and often had to be asked for negotiated for well in advanced - even summer jobs had to work out how I was getting there and back. I've never lived in anywhere less than a town and most cities - would never live that rural again.

You can say no even if you live semi rurally - know my parents and most in the village can and did and we all had to manage all grew up perfectly normal adults.

I co parent teens and am divorced. Life is quite lonely and quiet and dull a lot of the time. I’d sooner be busy and have more relationships in my life.
Your post is completely irrelevant to the OP.
You are invalidating her feelings.
Op sounds exhausted and taken for granted.

Oh the age old Rural Dwelling Mumsnetter.... Does no one live even in a large village, let alone a town or City??

What a weird comment. Of course some people live in villages, towns and cities; there are many, many posts here that make reference to that when it's relevant. But why would THIS poster say she lives in a large village or city when she doesn't? In any case, she says "semi-rurally", not "rural" - meaning that she's in the countryside with access to shops and services nearby - but "nearby" can mean a 20 minute drive. There are loads of places where there are no or very infrequent buses or Ubers and taxis generally need to be booked ahead - check the western Highlands or the Hebrides, just for example.

Oh the age old Rural Dwelling Mumsnetter.... Does no one live even in a large village, let alone a town or City??

Kids can get an Uber - there's enough of them it seems to split costs.
Husband sounds so needy - ick. Why can't he go anywhere on his own?
Why can't he drive your car? We just have 2 cars, they "belong" to the family and we interchange what we drive depending on the task, I don't get this "my car" thing in a marriage unless one is a company car or something.

Basically, you get what you accept. One thing I have got really bored of this last year is the rise in SM posts from women complaining about their endless martyring of themselves to their families but refusing to make any changes or advocate for themselves.

Like other people have said, you need to establish some hard boundaries. I think us mums put ourselves last, but you definitely need to stop being everyone's servant right now. You should get a family calendar in the kitchen and block out mum time when you are not available, and get kids to put in when they need lifts etc so you can say yes or no when convenient. Why is your husband not pulling the weight as well? He sounds useless. The same goes for your elderly parents. It's not cruel to not pander to everyone all the time.

Have you actually told him that you need some down time at home?

DH and I have different ideas of what constitutes enjoying time off from work. He doesn't want to 'waste' time doing 'nothing' at home. Doing 'nothing' at home is what I need to do to relax. The festive period has been full on for us so far, seeing loads of people and travelling here there and everywhere. I am exhausted and desperate for some down time, which is what I'm insisting on for the next few days. He's welcome to do what he wants. The kids have barely had chance to play with their new toys and want some time at home too.
My social battery is empty. I like to cook and today im making focaccia and slow roast pork and braised red cabbage. This is relaxing for me.

Learn how to set boundaries. You've basically trained your family to treat you like this. It's your fault. Say no politely. Then go and do your things.

I hear you! I have no say over my days either. Can’t remember the last time I did anything for me. This year things need to change.

You need to set out ground rules with the kids. Things need to be planned ahead of time - still give lifts but no just calling up demanding, it has to be pre planned.

I've just come back as saw updates saying you live semi-rurally. We did too! We often had to change trains/ buses. Or sometimes have a 30 min walk the other side. They could have an adventure. I am sure if they do it once or twice it will feel easier.

OP, I'm in an incredibly similar situation to you and I had to start saying 'no' more as I became seriously unwell, so I was forced to stop.

My teens either walk themselves or get public transport to the town they want to shop in. When there were 4 going they chipped in for a taxi as it made it cheaper. When I was a teenager, I used to get the bus or trains up to London etc. If they want to go, they'll find a way.

Start saying no more. Protect your peace. Don't do what I did and push yourself so far that you permanently break.

This is your body warning you...it's too much.
I use replies like:

'That won't work for me, you'll have to manage it...'

I'm not available at that time/day...

I've done enough this week, it's someone else's turn...

The world won't implode if you stop. If your family want that 'thing' enough they'll do it themselves or figure it out.

Best wishes to you.

I am really proud of you. Genuinely.

What’s really awful here is how judgemental you are being. You have no idea what their life is like, they might have just had a really shit day and needed that, they also might be really consistently shit parents but seeing them once parenting in a way that you wouldn’t choose is proof of nothing.

Have you ever heard of a bicycle?

Just say no! Tell your kids and DH that over the next two days you’re taking time for yourself, if they want to go out etc they do it without your input. It really is that simple.

I genuinely can’t imagine being an adult and not at least wanting to drive so they have their own independence.

We have a neighbour here who posts on the local facebook page frequently “anyone free to take me to pets at home” etc. it’s really weird. We aren’t a small village we are quite a large town.

Definitely time for your kids and husband (and parents tbf) to learn boundaries. They need to ask in advance. You have the right to say no. If you say no, then they need to solve the problem themselves. Carve aside time (write it in your diary or put it on the calendar "Mum not Available All Day") and then make sure you have a few of those days marked regularly - up to you what you do with them, but they're yours. Go shopping, put your feet up, have a spa day, watch tv - whatever, they're yours. Stick to it and they'll learn. If at any point you feel a flicker of self doubt, look to your daughter - when she is 40, do you want her role model to be a martyr, to think mothers and wives just run around looking after everyone, or do you want her to see that she is her own person, with her own boundaries and ability to say no!? You're doing them good seeing this, even if they don't like it right now. You're also doing yourself good, which is very valid and important.

This really does sound like you have options you are not yet using. This is good - quick wins are good.

Eg when son rings "yes sure I can pick you up. I'll leave in 10/15 mins". Finish your coffee and then go. It won't kill them, and if it makes them slightly more likely to call someone else's parent next time, no harm done. And you can gently encourage dropping them at bus stops etc rather than their destination, or dropping them one way and teens can get another parent to collect later rather than hanging around for them. Whatever the norms are in your group you have the option of nudging them a bit. If they are calling you over and over, they are probably trying you first (perhaps you are the most responsive?) so you may well be doing much more than your fair share. I bet if you say "no" or "later" a bit more often they will be fine.

Isn't your husband able to drive your car? It's a bit annoying having to reset the seat but it's worth it.

I honestly think they will appreciate you more, not less, if you starting pushing back a bit.

Isn't your husband doing 50% of the lifts?

I would tell your son to be more considerate of your time-ferrying them back home is fine but they don't need to go back out again.