AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

I’m 45 with small kids and whilst it’s the life I chose, I also feel the perimenopause decline in estrogen making me want to do more for me and put a bit less in the mothering sacrifice bucket.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 what’s your DH doing? Dictating time out sounds like something you should do, if that is what he is doing. Also if you’ve done the lifts just now why is it you going back out? Taking it in turns seems like a basic fix to the endless running about.

I’m 74. Done all the OP is doing. Now looking after grandchildren-who are lovely. It’s part of being in a family.

Under cover of darkness, take a nail and a hammer.

Go to your car-feel your way-don't use a torch.

Drop down next to your tyre and position the nail over it.

Using the hammer, bang as hard as you can on the nail.

Try to get it in as deep as you can.

When you are next asked to get in your car to be a car slave, do so.

Act surprised when it won't move.

Go back into the house and relax.

That is not a long term solution-you have had lots of good advice about that-but it will give you three days of peace.

Get a taxi to work on Monday.

👀

Constant care is a no go for teenagers. They are almost adults.

For elderly, it is different as they might not be able to. However op should defo back out what they can do alone and she doesn’t want to because she also need to breathe herself it seems :)

You need to start putting boundaries in place. Teenagers can either get themselves somewhere or they don’t go. When I was in my teens, we walked. Don’t answer the phone to parents, make everyone wait. The more you do, the more people will lean on you. Tell DH he can go out tomo but you aren’t going anywhere. Put your foot down before you burn out.

Why can’t you say no?
teenagers should be able to get around buses? And you can defo let your hubby do what he likes alone so need of holding hands there too…
Maybe say it loud and clear? “For the next few days, I am not going anywhere”.

Then put your feet up and don’t move them down.

CONSTANT CARE !? 🤣

I honestly would have laughed in my mum's face when I was a teenager if she suggested I needed 'constant care'!

Mind you she is a very independent woman herself, and I always enjoyed being independent, too. Got myself to and from school which was an hour away from the age of 11. Deep cleaned the house and car for a couple of quid for the bus into town (an hour away) from age 12. Could sew myself the alternative clothing I wanted but couldn't afford by age 12. Cooked my own meals/baked my own sweet treats from age 14. Had a part time job as soon as I turned 16 and started driving lessons by 18. Wrote all my own applications for jobs and for college, then uni... Got myself to all my interviews on my own... Had my own phone contract and credit card by 18. Think I may have even started paying my mum a small amount of rent. Left home for uni and started privately renting at 21. Never looked back.

It didn't ever occurred to me that my mum should be wiping my arse until I was 18.

Bet you give your 18 year olds 'pocket money' each week for simply existing 🤣

And we wonder why the young adults are too anxious to function...

This

Hey op you feel resentful which is understandable as your life revolves around everyone else. Why did you live rurally it was bound to happen that kids need lifts, parents will need support as they get older you can either say no now and then but they won’t be around forever so the help isn’t forever as for your dh that’s easy we are going there here and every where you say no not today I have my own plans if you want me to do this and that you let me know then I will decide. Op let him use your car to do lifts get himself out you are not joined at the hip and you are free to say NO out loud.

You need to learn the joy of saying no. 🤣

It sounds like everyone takes it for granted that you're their free taxi driver.

I like the concept of "managed failure", which gives people a bit of a transitional phase.

I'd pick an occasion where the teenagers could make other transport options like bus or uber, then say no to the lift. If they insist, point them towards your husband to ask him.

Same with your parents. Where there's an essential need like a hospital appointment or operation, be there. But not for errands where there is any possible alternative.

They are wearing you out! And ultimately that's not in anyone's interests, if you burn out altogether. Or become snappy and resentful.

You have to communicate your needs. Say no. It’s that simple, I promise.

This.

I can't drive for health reasons so I live in a town and I sent my DS to the local catchment school so that he would make local friends. He organises his social life independently and walks, cycles or gets the bus to see friends.

So I do think you and your husband need to provide lifts if you've chosen to live rurally.

However, your husband not doing anything without you is absolutely ridiculous and I would guess that this sort of controlling behaviour is at the root of all your problems. I'd put my foot down here to start with OP. He needs to behave like a grown adult and do things independently of you.

Tell them you are ill and retreat to your room. Have a rest day and then make a plan for how you want things to pan out in future. We have to do everything for young children - not for teenagers! They need to plan their time and request lifts ahead of time. If not convenient say NO.

At 41, surely your parents can’t be that elderly? I’m very nearly 68 and don’t have children and have to fend for myself!

So much brilliant advice here. I’m really hoping you’ll pop back in a day or so and tell us that you told them all to get to Fuck and you’ve been in blissful solitude in a hotel or somewhere peaceful.

Love from a busy full time working mum/wife/daughter, who would go insane without solo time to recharge (I take plenty when needed) 👋 xxx

Are you an eldest daughter OP?

All part of being a mum, I suppose. I am fortunate that all of our elderly parents have now passed away (you know what I mean!) but all the other things apply. My kids luckily don't ask for much and hubby just goes out on his bike whilst I do all the household chores. I just feel lucky to have time off work (like you I work in education) to get things done.

As others have said, calmly put your foot down and ask for at least one day a week of the holidays to yourself. You deserve it.

Group of 20 lads who are old enough to want to 'freshen up' before going onto the next place... You live semi-rurally, so probably pretty well off...

None of them 16/17 yet so they can learn to drive?

Although I doubt they would give up you and the other parents being their private local taxi firm 🤣

Give the kids bus fares to go shopping. Tell your husband that if he needs to do things he can get on with it as you are having time off. Personally, at times like that I take the dog and disappear on a nice quiet walk with a cafe or pub at the end of it where I can chill with a nice cup of coffee before meandering back

Why can't your husband give the teens a lift. Can he not drive your car?
What would happen if you said no

It's your own fault. They're treating you like a doormat.

You need to set boundaries. No direct bus routes means there IS a bus route, it's just not as quick as the car and your kids are using it to guilt you.

We moved somewhere semi rurally when I was a teen. It was an hour's bus to the city and then another 30 minutes to my friends. It wasn't the most fun journey, but it was fine. In the age of tiktok, Spotify and endless games and apps, I'm sure your children could survive a non direct bus route somewhere.

If there's solutions you're choosing to ignore you're making an active choice to live like this.

It's the same for all women. As others have said time to call a family meeting & explain you need some time for yourself. Or risk burn out. Can I drive a family member to hospital before a late shift? Well yes I can but to my own detriment 🙁

Living rurally, as a conscious choice with children, means that you do end up being a taxi a lot more. It can be annoying but the teenagers didn't choose to live there. So in that respect, it is just a fact of your life.

However. You have a DH and he needs to do half of it with the DCs.
(also: you just made coffee? then you drink that before you collect anyone. They want to go out again this evening? it is at a time that is convenient to you as much as them etc)

Do you have siblings? If yes, and they are close enough, they have to step up. If no, or they are not close enough, you need to talk about their neediness with your parents. And that yes, you can help them, but not all the time and not at the drop of a hat.

You also need to have an idea of the week's plan that everyone has, and there needs to be reliability rather than too much flexibility. It is draining, sorry.

Why are you running your teens around like a taxi driver? They need to start arranging their own transportation. My parents never gave us lifts anywhere.