AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

My parents barely drove me anywhere as a teen, they used to just hand me a giant bus timetable 😆

Omg. I could have written your post myself OP. It’s 1.30am and I’m clearing up after having my elderly parents (and others) over for New Year. I’m going back to work tomorrow and I’m more exhausted than when I finished up before Christmas for exactly the same reasons as you. My house is in a right state with all the Christmas rubbish around the place and I’ve had no time to exercise over the past two weeks with all my family commitments, so I now feel like I want to murder someone 🤣 and I’ve put on about half a stone! Teenagers have uni exams in January, so will be tiptoeing around for the next few weeks. I feel your pain OP and have no easy solution for you, but on the upside, January should be easier as there are fewer social commitments and there’s less pressure to entertain people, go shopping etc. I plan to batch cook and go to bed early for the month!

I could have written this myself - as everyone is saying - we need to start saying no!

I am 68 and look after my 93 year old dad, I had different visions of my retirement. I also look after my 2 grandchildren aged 4 and 18 months 2 days a week. Yeh

Are you angry with yourself for not setting boundaries,saying NO and looking after yourself ?
Tell your self you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Tell yourself you need to take care of yourself or you will be of absolutely no use to the people you think you are currently indispensible to.

They all make it sound so easy. I gave in for a quiet life! The only time you'll get a natural break is if you get the flu!!! My heart goes out to you. Sadly it took a mini breakdown [lasted only six weeks and then I did a point 5 job share] to make the family realise that I was worn out. Good luck with saying NO. Pull on your big girl pants and face up to them. You could try staying in bed one Saturday, but make sure you take plenty of drink and snacks. Just refuse to move. I didn't manage to realise I was a woman in my own right until my late 50's so I'd love to think you would learn from my mistakes and make your move now.xxxx

NO. By age 40 you dont people please. OP does not need to do these things and enable everyone. It has to stop so that the next generation doesn't grow up expecting that is what mothers do, that it is a "good" wife or mother's job to everything for everyone.

Teens can ask for lifts in advance or walk, OP can also say no, husband can go there and there himself and elderly parents call an ambulance if it is so urgent.

That still doesn’t answer why you can’t say no to DH? Maybe he will fix his car if you do?

Why not? Unless you’re a single parent with no family support.

I'm in my 40s with two very young kids - I assume I won't get to dictate my day until my mid 50s...

lol. When I read the other posts, I realised I should have written - divvi out the jobs between your husband and your kids to free up some time for yourself.

Tell everyone to p* off. Shut the door, lock it and let everyone get on with it.
Come out when you are ready.
You are doing it wrong...they all have you running after them, you are understandably totally knackered after a term and school but nobody else feels that. They just see them and what they want. So they demand, you get annoyed BUT YOU STILL DO IT. Get annoyed and DONT do anything. Rest up and stand your ground.
Nobody is running after u. Take your rest or you will never get it.

Retreat to the bedroom. Put a sign up saying not taking requests, off duty, sort yourselves out. Love you all. Laters.

Have a candle lit bath, get a takeway and stick a film on (with headphones so you can't hear any demands).

They'll get the message

This is not unusual (though it shouldn’t be common) but only you can change things but prioritising yourself more. Have a family candar & put it somewhere we herd everyone can see it (if you don’t have one). Block days off for rest etc. Get the children to check about lifts before finial using arrangements with their friends if t her y need a lift. Get your husband to share taxi duties. Also tell him that he doesn’t need you by his side all the time & in any case to discuss & agree plans with you in advance.

It’s the 1st of January. A new year. Start that year as you mean to go on. Buy a huge calendar and get everyone to use it. Go through it together and YOU tell 'them' which or what you can, or are able to do. Anything over and above that is down to them.

Any arguments, then they don’t get any help at all.

Does your husband drive? Why isn’t he doing his bit as well? You and he need a talk as well.

Unfortunately it will take some time, but persevere, otherwise you’ll still be doing all this in 5, 10, 20 years time.

Yes, pretty much how I feel. A taxi driver and running errands, plus 2 hyper younger kids. Have more of a rest when I go back to work and they go to school

As others have said, learn to say no🤷‍♂️

I know but if she could do that, then every single post offering her advice would be redundant, including yours!

Stop waiting on people, you need to make it clear if you are supposed to be part of plans there needs to be a request, in advance, which you can say no to- whether it's children or husband.
Fundamentally, though, your lack of freedom stems from the decision you made to have children, when I was 41, if I wasn't working, and i wanted to not get dressed read a book eat crap etc I just did it, but I decided not to have children, When your children are all at least 18 I suggest all errands and lifts stop- and it is your time, you will need plenty of "me" time in the run up to menopause.

Never seen anyone whose username suits them less 😂

I hear you, it sounds like you’re juggling so much and it’s really draining. It’s hard when everyone else’s needs keep taking priority, and you just want some time to yourself to recharge. It’s not unreasonable to want to relax and take care of yourself, especially when you’re dealing with health issues. You deserve a break too. Maybe it’s worth having an open conversation with your family about setting some boundaries or carving out a little more "me time" for yourself.
Hang in there — it’s tough, but your time is just as important!

Learn to say no.
you say you have teenagers so I’m going to assume they are ages with mine or perhaps a small bit younger , iam 37 with two teens who are well able to bring themselves places. Buy tyem a bus/train pass

Well saying "no" would be a little bit more straightforward I think.

Just say no. Why did you strop off and then still get dressed? Just say that you're not going out today and if your H wants to go, he can go alone and drive your car. Then go into the bathroom with your book and take a long bath.

I'm still in my pjs today - it's been lovely (I had a shower and got changed into them).

And your H? Bloody hell put your foot down and tell him to do stuff alone. It'd drive me mad.

It would be such a shame if you drank half a bottle of wine with your tea and can't take anyone anywhere! Why can't husband do it in your car? (If you don't drink, it would be such a shame if you sprained your ankle tripping over something..... ).