AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

@IwishIcouldconfess Being a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the alter of martyrdom

I'm not a wife or a mother, but helping other people out with things is a normal part of having responsibilities.

regret to say, Whenisitmyturn29384, probably never?
Im 69,
parents v. elderly now but still around,
‘D’H had mental health ‘episode’ this time last yr. & is now ‘recovering’ but the meds stop home driving…or remembering to wash his hair etc. etc. yep I’m his carer, but feel he’ll outlive me.
& also 2 adult sons now semi- back working from home, means plenty car park juggling 🤪(have to laugh—-)

I’m 56 and have only just started being able to dictate my days now the youngest is in his final year of A levels. Wish I had started setting boundaries earlier so please do take the advice from PPs here on how to do that!

In hindsight no one would have minded if I marked out personal time sooner - but because I was afraid things would fall apart without me, I partly created the situation. I took myself off to Greece for a creative writing week this summer and, lo and behold, the house was still standing, the dogs were still alive, the kids (17 and 20, but AUDHD) were alive/fed/washed, and my DH managed to work throughout and keep the fridge sticked. Kicking myself, not because I thought I was indispensable, but for not trusting that I had raised the kids well enough and married a good man - all of whom were perfectly capable of managing for a week.

I think some of these replies are a little unrealistic. Despite a plethora of public transports near me I still sometimes needed lifts, which will be the same for my dc.

But you need rules, my non negotiables this 2 wks are lie ins where everyone knows not to disturb me & the dc are not to plan to see friends everyday (mine are younger).

Well you know what your new year resolution needs to be, OP.

Definitely give the kids a set amount of money (only if chores have been done, obviously) per week and let them budget what they need out of that - bus fares to see their friends included. They are a few years away from adulthood and need to learn to live on what they have. And to use public transport. Have set times for doing things for your parents and stick to them. Stop letting your husband talk to you like you're an employee. Stand firm.

You do. Say no and spend the day how you want. Instead of sulking tell your husband and kids how you feel and come to some sort of compromise. Put boundaries in place such as you don't need to attend anything if you haven't said yes in advance.

Unless you live somewhere without buses and your teenagers can't cycle for whatever reason, YABU. I rarely got a lift anywhere in my teens. I walked or cycled into the nearest town, three miles each way. How would your parents cope if you weren't there? Time to be too busy to drop everything at their bidding. .

I do what I want and if I don’t want to do it, i don’t. I’ve spent most of the break chilling because that’s what I wanted to do. If it’s to do with school, eduction or medical things, then I’ll do it. Anything else? However my children and husband are all very considerate and not demanding so it’s easy to say the first line.

Why can’t your husband do some of the drop offs? What about getting them uber?

My children are a similar age and my husband does his share.

What is it your DH has decided you need to do today and tomorrow that is so urgent and needs your attendance? Driving kids somewhere is one thing if you don't even need to get out of the car, but surely you can tell your DH you're tired and want to stay home

Just say no.
Teenagers can get around themselves, a very important skill they need to be learning.
DH is an adult, he doesn't need you to accompany him.
You haven't said you care for parents, so I'm guessing they are also capable of doing what they request you to do.
You're going to burn yourself out for no good reason.

She should put herself first for much more than a day …

Honestly and in the kindest way, you stop acting like a stroppy teenager and instead act like the adult you are.

You tell the teenagers that they either organise in advance or sort their own transport via buses or shankys pony (my 12 yo can do it)

Tell husband that he is a grown ass adult and he can sort the shopping trip as you have run about olafter everyone all holiday and are having a day to yourself.

You tell your parents that you are unavailable until x date and they will need to organise other options.

Stop being a doormat.

Tell teenagers you are run off your feet and from now on they will get lifts in exchange for chores. Chore has to be done before lift. I do this with my teen DD - I'll do short lifts or emergency situation etc without the chore, but usually she has to do one. It takes some of the load off me, teaches her responsibility and not to take the piss, and she's learning how to do housework and what needs doing to run a home as well.

Tell DH you have as much right to decide what's happening as he does and you can and will say no. He should also be doing his share of lifts, housework, errands etc especially as you both work.

Elderly parents is a harder one but could teens help out?

And remember if you had flu or a migraine and were really out of action, they'd all have to suck it up. Don't overdo it obviously but if there is no other way to get people off your back, having a terrible headache once in a while can be a way to get the break you need. Especially as you do have health problems and probably do actually need that day in bed.

I also recommend a book called A Woman in your Own Right by Anne Dickson. It's a really clear, practical guide to how to stand up for yourself and communicate what you need without ending up getting angry, being a martyr etc (though I'm not blaming you for that, it's understandable but there's a better way!).

Jusy say no. Give them set days where you will be available for errands and lifts and stuff, and then they know on the other days they shouldn't be arranging stuff. If you always say yes and enable them to be taking advantage of you like this, how do they know not to?

Say this to your parents too I need a break to decompress. I need to take this Fridays off for me.

Put your PJ on and book a holiday day with yourself and the family.

We book in PJ days. I’m a scrolling on sofa and my son is watching Captain America. My daughter is fast asleep and my husband at work.

With teens and elderly parents and a husband, no you can't have everything you want, but in no way should you be exhausting yourself running around like this.

Set some boundaries - decide how much time out you need, what resources you have left and divvy them out with some rules attached - requests for lifts etc in at the start of the week, accepted or rejected and divvied between you and your husband, parents needs fitted into a couple slots, and making sure they ask for things in advanced so you can order online rather than run about.

You and your husband need to have a strong chat about this - sandwiched between olds and teens you need to minimise demands on each other for these years (not neglect each other, but be v considerate).

A lot of it is getting requests in in advance so you can ask them to find alternatives if you can't do it, and organise it v efficiently if you can.

It's hard to tell from this of you are being a martyr, if your husband is micromanaging you or if your children are ungrateful and taking the piss.

You can control your responses though.

Have you said to anyone-'I'm exhausted and I need some time where I'm not being expected to do chores for other people. That's what I'll be doing for the next three days, please entertain yourselves.'

Getting out of a rut is one of life's hardest challenges, because where you are now suits the people around you. I'm 58 and still find it difficult to say stuff like, "I'm going out for the day on my own," and I don't have teenage kids and I do have a very sympathetic and accommodating wife, so I can imagine how difficult it is for you. But please do it. Psych yourself up: decide on something simple you want to do, plan when you're going to do it, tell your loved ones you're going to do it - then do it, and let the chips fall where they may!

Then try to get into the habit of doing this regularly. What I hope you'll find is your feelings of grievance will lessen the more you do it. As your husband and children begin to understand that the world won't end because you refuse to go along with your plans, they will get used to the new you and - hopefully - support you. Or at least tolerate you. But it doesn't matter if they don't - that's their problem! Good luck.

Give an agreed set amount of money each month, when it’s gone it’s gone. I wouldn’t include things like hair/ basic clothes/ toiletries in that budget. it’s for dinners out, make up and extra clothes.

if you’ve chosen somewhere rural to live then you are obligated to drive them about, if not they can discover the world of buses, trains and Ubers. Do all the options with them the first time so they understand how to pay, where to wait for the bus etc.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 Just say no thanks.

Leave your PJs on, have a leisurely bath, read a book.

My teen is expected to get the bus to meet his friends (rural location so he needs to plan). I'll offer him a lift if it's convenient.

Does your DH not drive?

Oh bugger off, you sanctimonious ..........

Being a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the alter of martyrdom

Chauffeuring people and a man demanding you do multiple things isn't responsibilities, it's a choice that can be declined altogether.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 Those are called 'responsibilities'. Welcome to real life.

When can I do what I want ?

Any time you want. Say 'no.', it's great.