AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

Plus your menopause years creep in and you simply can’t do everything in the same way- the men don’t realise what it involves.

’NO’ is a complete sentence.
I’m similar age to you, 2 almost teenagers one younger and one parent in failing health.
I find myself the default parent as my DH works 6 days a week however since turning 40 I realised that I’ve got to stop being a drudge for everyone (I was a chronic people pleaser)
Now if I’ve been full on at work and juggling loads and one of the children ask me for a lift. I tell them to go and ask their Dad, if they’ve arranged to do something I ask how they are going to get there. We have public transport very near by or we lift share journeys with their friends parents.
When my parents ring and ask for a lift to an appointment instead of racing from work to pick up youngest child and then to pick up them from an appointment I tell them to book a taxi as they have the means to do something.
At first I got a few ‘don’t worry, we’ll take the bus then” to try and guilt trip me into doing it but after I agreed that the bus was also an option they only ask for lifts now if there is a genuine need.
I’m naturally an introvert so just the normal pressure of everyday life can feel pretty overwhelming without trying to everything for everyone else so I feel your pain!

I’ve found this- in your 40s you have more demands on your time as parents become older etc, then everyone else still expects you to carry on as before too! We just have to be assertive and say what we need and why. Folks aren’t helpless. They will survive without us! X

Just stop.

hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping

he can do it himself and teenager can get herself and friend to shopping, bus or uber

If you keep doing it they'll keep expecting it

Learn to say no

We don't drive but live in city so kids get round under their own steam but they still run plans past us check they don't clash with other stuff.

This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.

Surley he's trying to plan time and what gets done out -- why didn't you say I need coffee first - and then no to teen shopping and then work out together what needs doing and when.

Are you so busy durring term that eveything left to the hoilday - and everything needs doing has to get squeezed in and this is DH trying to get this done?

This does seem a communication issue - you communciating you need down time and it's happening and then working with DH to work out what needs doing when not shutting it down or shoving it on everyone else because your job is leaving you exhausted. If you need time say no or say what you are doing and mean it.

"I'm busy, sort it out with your father/the children".

Good for you! 😂

Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.

Just why?
After stamping your foot and storming off you STILL give in and get ready to go somewhere you don't want to go.

This situation will not change until you change.

Say no get a lift get dad to take kids wherever they want to go or Uber, say I’m tired and staying in bed to read my book I’ve been sorting all of you for weeks dad’s cooking dinner. Parents can manage a few days. You actually need to rest.

You are actually helping your DC and not just yourself if you ask for notice, time without errands etc. A lesson for life for them for when they leave home and are living with others.

Though your health and time is the main reason.

Just say no to some things…I’m usually a busy bee in the festive season. But this year I made it clear I am not doing many visits/activities etc…And that’s what happened.

Stop being a martyr.....

You do have a say, but you are not using it. It’s fine to say no, but I suspect you have been taught to be a people pleaser. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, when will you op? When you end up sick?

I'll be honest, it took until my 60's to be in a position where I could choose what I do. I had a baby just before I was 41 - and I already had 4 children! As my children grew more independent my parents grew more needy. DF died and I took on the roll of carer for DM with support from my family. The DC's grew up and left home and DM deteriorated, showed signs of dementia and required far more support than I had ever imagined. But just before I was 60 a crisis in DM's health meant that she had to move from the granny annex into a care home and I got my life back.

My advice to you would be to establish boundaries now as firm as you can. Take all the help you can get with your parents. Do not fall into the trap of being on call 24/7.

It may seem that my 60's is a bit late to start living my life but DH and I have never been happier. We love our kids and our grandchildren but this is our time and we make the most of it. He is counting own the months to retirement and I had a midlife crisis and started studying for a degree. I'm not saying you have to wait until your 60's to live your life but even now there is a lot of life ahead of DH and I and we are living it to the full.

I think a lot of people on here think you can 'just say no'. It's clearly a lot more complicated than that!

I think it starts with valuing yourself and your own time. You might want to sit back and think about your idea of yourself and what you deserve. I think we are conditioned as women to undervalue ourselves and our time in the name of 'kindness' or 'duty' - we do feel like we are responsible for other people's lives and we're encouraged as children to be caring people as women. But we do need to care for ourselves and fight for our time too. In my case it took taking on studying as a way to carve space in my head that was for me, and was easily justifiable - "i need to read this book for my course" was easier for the family ( and my guilt about being productive) to understand than "I want some me time and I'm off to read this book". We are our own worst enemy here!

You're worth it - you really are. Believe it and own it. "I have plans this afternoon" is good enough.

Also decent scheduling so if they really do need a loft or something you know in advance. We have a travel WhatsApp group in the family now they are teens - they have to ask in advance,

Elderly parent was taken to medical appointments and I popped in a couple of times in the week but if they required shopping I got it delivered to them!
teenagers were given a monthly bus pass and allowance.
the house rule was that if you can’t get home then don’t go!
I was never taxied around as a teen, so it’s something I never have done

Just say NO and mean it. You're already a bit ill, living for others and not yourself? That's not good, but you are now recognising it.
I understand your teenagers need you, although my generation wouldn't think about asking parents for lifts. I remember once at the age of 23, my father picked me up from my workplace, it was an exception (night) and stated he won't be doing it many times more.
Your parents will have to manage without your input. Simple as that. People in general will let you do as much as you will do for them.
I never had children and left my country of origin at 25, not giving time and energy to my (emotionally abusive) parents was one of the reasons.
Never regretted a thing.
Good luck!
Edited to say, I'm 46, have a husband and still an elderly mother, who demands phone calls from me every day. I comply, simply because I'm the only "child" and will need my inheritance to leave husband and set up back in my country, by myself. 😊
22 years with parents, 2 years by myself and another 22 years with husband.
Yes, where are my own 20 years? Different circumstances, but I HEAR YOU.

Sorry but seems you’ve created a rod for your own back. All the peer is with you. Make the changes. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Stop being a martyr. Etc etc.

This.

havent. Rtft but I predict a dickish husband will be at the heart of this.

Ok. It's a choice.

Helping people out to the detriment of your own physical/mental health is just bloody stupid.

Helping people out is also teaching them to be self sufficient.

I've chauffered many people. Never really bothered me.

Get down off your Cross, someone else needs the wood..

Uber, Buses, Trains, Home Delivery, Take Away, Ironing services, cleaners, pharmacy delivery etc etc etc

Use them all, it’s what they are there for.