AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

my XP told me last night he will drive our teens anywhere at anytime - finally he has made himself indispensible.

I don’t take my teenage kids anywhere unless they have arranged with me in advance, they have equally learnt that the hard way when they have made plans and I couldn’t take them as I already had my own plans. Sometimes I will take them last minute if they tell me they are off out somewhere and I’m not doing anything and know I need to nip out the shop or something so will just take them then but I don’t drop everything when they are capable of getting the train somewhere

pls check this out
www.instagram.com/reel/DTEa5DajVWq/?igsh=MW56cTh2bjM4d3Fxdw==

Why on earth does your husband never go anywhere without you?
Can he not get his car fixed?
This needs dealing with.
Also, maybe not easy but could your son use an e-bike, at least for some journeys?
Obviously transport could be a problem if you live semi-rurally - was this not something you considered when getting this house?

Not there yet. I’m 69.

Just tell everyone to f off

Just say no

It is your husband that you need to sort this out with. Not like a stroppy teenager but a sensible calm adult conversation with both listening and then agreeing compromises so that both of you have needs met

Also this!

It sounds like you’ve hit breaking point. A common age/time of you’ve been people pleasing until now! The great news - you can change things simply by saying ‘no’. The bad news - people who have been fitted from you doing what they want/need may think you hate them! Especially teenage children. But, seriously, it sounds like you need to start carving out some time for yourself. For your mental health and to make sure your son doesn’t believe this is what women do in life (become small so everyone else can enjoy themselves).

If you think you can, sit down with your family and calmly tell them that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to prioritise yourself for a little while. Explain this means you might turn down certain outings/requests because you need to find a better balance. Depending on your husband and son’s emotional maturity, they’ll either support you or make you feel like you’re being selfish. If they choose the latter, remember that’s their problem as they adjust not your burden to carry. We all need to be selfish sometimes for our own mental health. It’s not always a horrible thing to be and, again, your son needs to see a strong woman who can turn around and look after herself when she’s struggling (ideally with their support).

I recommend taking a look at some books that discuss boundaries and, if you’re a keen reader, a book by Gabor Mate called the myth of normal. There’s some very interesting stuff in there about women looking after everyone else and the impact it may have on their long term health.

You are ultimately in control. You can change things for the better. You just need to listen to what you want to do and remember that it’s important to say no if you don’t have the capacity. Good luck!

We’ll have you considered saying no and not doing it? I mean on what planet to you NEED to take your teenager and their friend shopping? 😂

Im a teacher and im knackered. I stipulate boundaries and write it on the calendar in the kitchen. First day off pj day. Im doing nothing but use the domino's app to order a pizza and chill out with films and festive music. Then I might say you can have a busy day here or here or here but anything outside of that is earmarked for outdoor time and relaxation. Can your teenager not get a bus? Can they not be picked up later and get somewhere under their own steam?
As for my parents, my mum died this year and my dad is now on his own. He is 73 yrs and has to learn to do lots on his own. Its tough as he has always had my.mother but if I took over thats too much for me and I refuse to rent out parts of brain to others at the moment. I also have 2 siblings who are equally helpful in different ways so we get a good balance. Do you have siblings who can do stuff? If you are early 40s surely your parents are early to mid 70s? Thats get on withnit yourself territory in my eyes. My dad takes himself off to art classes and appts and kindly picks up from school 3 days for.me with his granddaughter. He comes for social time and a roast toasty dinner with us

Can he drive your car? If so running the teenagers around can be his job. You already have your parents to look after.

As for your husband announcing that today WE are going to xyz, just say no if you don't want to go. He can't make you!

Husband just thinks he can dictate out time.

He never goes anywhere without me .

Both really odd things aren't they?

Obvs if you're driving him atm that explains the 2nd one, but in general-you does he make you go with him if he has his own car & you don't want to go??

You are being very unreasonable in that this should never have become the situation in the first place. You are the one who brought your children up to be inconsiderate, selfish horrors who feel they can tell you what to do. You are the one who allows your husband to "organise" your time and allows him to tell you what you should be doing at any given time. Take responsibility for your life because you are the only one who can stop it all. If your son phones and says he (and his mates) want picking up "Now", you say "I can't come Now. You'll either have to wait until x time or find another way home. Let me know what you decide. And once you're here, I'm not going out again." If your husband tells you that you're going wherever and you don't want to (for whatever reason - if you don't want to, any reason is valid), you say "No. I don't want to do that. You go. You can use my car or get a taxi."
Like a PP, I can't believe your parents need that much help either, if you're only 41. I'm 69, my husband is 77 - we don't need our kids (38 and 41) to help us often, which is good because the nearest one is 2hours away. We might ask them to help move a heavy item up or downstairs, for example, but only if they were here anyway. We don't need them to live our day to day lives and I doubt your parents do either.
Sorting this out - all of it - is something you, and only you, can do.

The worst part of all this is your DH giving you a list of things to and places to go for the next 3 days.
My DH would simply ask 'what do you need me to do' and get on with driving people around, pick up shopping, and all that normal family stuff.
Although I never ever declined giving lifts to my children and I'd actually offer if I thought the situation called for it, nobody takes the piss and drops various requests at random times with short notice.
The thing is, none of them know how you feel unless you tell them. So you need to express how you feel and you also need to give indications of your plans as and when you know them. Naturally, they should all work around your availability and sort themselves out the rest of the time.
Start asking for help. Every time. You're not here to run everyone's lives every minute of the day.
Be selfish. If you don't look after yourself, nobody else is going to until you are ill.
Since before having children, I carved out daily and weekly time for myself and maintained this throughout all the time. I simply say to DH I'm going to have time to myself. I might be reading, watching tv, have an at home spa time, have a nap, whatever I want. I also take the dogs for a walk and I simply go and say I'm walking the dogs. This is me time, no interruptions and I really enjoy this time. Equally DH gets to do the same. We just support each other to provide continuous care for the family.
Start with your DH, be selfish, stop doing everything for everyone and just take regular rest time for yourself. It's part of healthy living. The kids will simply fall in line and get on with it. Your parents it's a bit trickier but, unless it's an emergency, just put them off and delay visiting and doing stuff for them at the drop of a hat.

Exactly. Or get your husband to do his share in any vehicle.

You said no direct bus, so there is bus but they might need to change and get another one? Then they can do that if it's something they really want to do. 20 teenage lads will be perfectly safe on a bus together.

You’re behaving like a teenager because their behaviour is activating your child ego state which is completely understandable.

work out what your boundaries are, set them and stick to them.

This. First post nails it again.

Is moving an option? I think if you choose to have sociable kids in a rural area then you need to accept your life is as a taxi driver.

This is spot on , if it isn’t possible to move house nearer town / good public transport then have a planner calendar and schedule things so that out so it works for you and that is it .
No more !

You need to start having a "duvet day" or a "you day" when you do what you want to do !

Perhaps set days that you visit your parents (unless appointments)

Are teens able to use public transport or learn to drive ?

When I was around your age I was absolutely in the thick of it .
Children were , one teen , one upper primary age and one in lower primary.
( Youngest has disabilities and I had to fetch them from school during the school day to take them to another place for therapies as well ! )
I also had to run them all to some extra curricular activities but I limited that to 2 each .
Also I would have loved to walk to school and take the dog as that would be another thing done ✔️ but it was too far to walk in a reasonable time frame so I had to drive and park 🙁
Anyhow I digress …what helped me was living near a bus stop with a reliable service.
Teen could use that to get to school and to get to most things / socialise with her friends and some friends were a short walk away , that left me with a run to a music lesson for her and that was it really.
Upper primary child , them becoming so bored and tired with hanging out waiting for the youngest at an activity I asked them if they would like to try the bus home .
I arranged to travel with them back and forth a few times till they were happy and that really helped .
I was questioned by some parents , but funnily enough they didn’t offer to help me by picking up my middle child and having them over to hang out with their child till my youngest was finished the activity, but I thought 💭 she’s perfectly capable of this and it’s fostering independence.
I was still very tired …as I had all the domestic load too and no help whatsoever.
See what you can do , can you outsource anything at all?
Will other families share the driving around ?
On good days can your teens ride bikes to get where they need to be ?

You need to teach you your teens some respect for you

you have a life and plans whether a bath , nap or reading a book etc

so say no to DS when aka for a short notice lift

tell dh to man up and take on some of the load and taking/collection of your kids - he can drive them in your car by his self