No friends

Do you have the time and space in your life for friends, or is it more a FOMO feeling? I don't have friends and used to feel awful about it until I thought back to past friendships and realised I'm just not a group friendship person, I prefer one-on-one and I realised since I have a DH and three DC my friendship slots are simply full. Especially as I've also got family with a range of issues that take up my energy. As an introvert I don't have the social energy for more than that, in fact it's a bit much and I'm usually seeking out a quite spot to read or a walk by myself just to hear myself think. I'm aware the norm at least in the media is to also have a big group of 'girls' to go out with so I sometimes feel I'm missing out but really I would hate it and at times when I was part of a bigger group like at uni I found it draining. Perhaps your DH and DC just fulfill your social needs for now?

I made quite a few friends at school/uni/work in my hometown but I have relocated and most my friends have also moved away, including abroad. I still have about half a dozen but none are local, I am lucky if I see them once a year, and the rest I lost touch with.

Locally, I have a couple of colleagues whom I am friendly with but our social interactions outside of work is limited to the occasional coffee or gym session. Also am in a hockey club but I am not close enough to see them in off season. It is tough to make friends once you work FT and are no longer in education.

There’s part of your problem, then. You can do absolutely nothing about whether other people like you or not, and if you’re concentrating on how you’re being perceived, or planning what to say next, you’re often not actually fully engaged with the other person or people. And it shows, and can make you seem uninterested. Also start with ‘Do I like this person?’ rather than the other way round.

You sound a bit passive, OP. If you want to talk about your life, talk about it — don’t hang about waiting for a formal invitation to have your say.

And lots of friendships aren’t lifelong, and some end in hurtful ways. It’s not a reason not to go and make others. It’s unlikely that your DH was the first and only person you ever went on a date with. Friendships aren’t dissimilar. Some will click, others won’t.

I have an extensive trauma background and for this reason stable friendships and relationships were not possible for most of my life. But - and I know this is tired advice - in the last couple years I have made an effort with volunteering and groups, and it has really helped.

Also, do you have anxiety or confidence issues that prevent you from forming deeper connections? Think about anything beyond circumstances that may present a barrier.

Yes, it is. I’ve never shopped for pleasure in my life, and have zero interest in fashion or makeup. I’ve never struggled for female friends, and I’m still making new friends in my 50s after moving country a few years ago.

I think it’s a subset of a larger problem that often comes up on ‘no friends’ threads — treating other people as a generic, faceless mass who would be conveniently fitted into a ‘friend-shaped space’ and available for spa weekends and ‘girly trips’, not thinking about what type of people you actually like, and what you yourself would bring to a friendship.

It’s hard. I’ve got similar set-up to you OP but one DC. Life is busy.

Like previous posters, I also had friends that didn’t last the distance. Generally one-sided just a listening ear for other’s people’s problems instead of it being reciprocated.

I have a sister that I’m close to and grateful for that. If it wasn’t for her, I would be extremely isolated.

I can relate.
i do have friends but never feel first choice as such, or I think I am very close to someone but then turns out they don't see me the same.

Does your dh have friends? Do you not have any couple friends?

If you’re want friendship there’s many many people out there looking for the same - this thread proves it

i joined about 5 different face book social groups local to my area this year. All have events and meet ups arranged by both the admins and the members, I went to a couple of events on 2 of the groups but they weren’t that good, but I persevered and went for a country walk with another group and that went so well, about 10 women, 4 men all really friendly and chatty

I now try to go to most events - which is usually one walk a week and a pub night, cinema, theatre, meal at least every other week, and am gradually making friends.

many if them are also members of the other social groups so when other events like bowling or long hikes come up I go with someone I already know and then get to meet even more friendly people.

the advantage of these groups is everyone is there to make more friends.

What kind of people are you attracted to, OP? And what do you bring to potential friendship?

I have accepted I won't really have friends,

Well there you go then. If you accept it, of course it’s a done deal.

I struggled to make friends until I was 33ish, the last 3 years though my life has really filled out. It’s doable!

Can you spend some time doing a sort of life inventory/evaluation. List things you’re proud of having done, positive things you have in your life, things you love doing, people who love you. Just might help you stop wallowing. Then you might get some ideas for things you want to do, and you’ll meet more people that way. Also remember not everyone has to be a BFF. Acquaintances who keep you ticking over socially are very important.

Posting this link because people shared suggestions and some had positive experiences to share: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5462488-if-you-know-an-adult-who-has-struggled-to-make-friends-what-honestly-do-you-think-is-the-reason?page=2&reply=149401740

I felt the same. My DSIL had weekends away with the girls and I had no girls and no desire for spa weekends. Two different besties drifted away. Felt very lost.

Fast forward to now and I can't fit everything I'm invited to into my diary. I've tried many things, some not fruitful at all, just move on to the next thing. I'm heavily involved with a sports club now and get to see other people hitting it off with new friendships.

I’m like you. I can make friends but I am terrible with keeping them. I find it is just so much effort.

I find I’m only social because my partner is social.

I enjoy doing things by myself. My favourite time of the day is when everyone else is asleep so that I can have some peace and quiet.

I have today only discovered I was in a school group chat from 2024 and never even knew 🤣

The people there were really trying hard to connect with each other.

I don’t think you’re ever too old to make new friends, mine have arisen through work, evening classes, hobbies etc. Could you do some volunteering? Start a book club? It may feel like you making all the effort initially but true friends are out there and really enhance your/their life.