How do you get over being left for another women?

Ahh, there you have it. Multiple affairs. Not just one.

In many ways I feel this is much easier to move on from. It wasn't that there was something so incredibly special and irresistible about the woman he ended up with. He was just someone who was fundamentally broken and sought happiness and validation inside other women. And his current partner gets to have a habitual cheater for a partner, lucky her.

You're free of him. Date, or don't, but you have a precious opportunity to live an honest, truthful, lovely life full of love and friendship, without your wellbeing and health being put at risk by someone so utterly selfish.

I'm SO pleased you live somewhere beautiful and are going out for a walk to enjoy it, please remember how lucky you are to be able to do this, and enjoy it for me too, as I'm currently stuck in bed again.

I'm also pleased to hear that you're planning on getting a medication review, I really hope that they give you something that will help you feel more like your normal self, which is bound to help you cope.

With regard to the fact that you say you seem to be getting on OK, and then he comes back into your life demanding contact, is there an access arrangement in place, or is it just a case of him turning up and demanding to see the children? If it's the latter, tell him to get lost, and DO NOT LISTEN to anything else that he has to say, just put the phone down, or shut the door in his face. If he wants access, then let him get it through the courts, which I doubt very much that he'll bother to do if he lives abroad.

Maybe it's time to start thinking about dating again too. I know that's probably the last thing that you want to do, but wouldn't it be nice to give some other lucky guy the chance to tell you how fabulous you are, instead of allowing this gerk to pull you down every time he pops back into your life?

I can totally understand the feelings of loneliness at this time of year when you only have little ones for company, but try reframing it, and thinking 'I must make the most of this time with my kids, as they'll have grown up before I know it'. Most of us don't appreciate how quickly they will grow up, until it's happened, so I really do encourage you to enjoy it now, while you can.

Also, do you have any hobbies that you can do during the times when you're alone, or do you tend to just sit and watch TV or scroll the internet? If it's the latter, then maybe try something new, that's where the internet really comes into it's own, as not only can it give you hundreds of ideas of things to try, but you can also usually find free classes online to learn them.

Finally, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a VERY Happy New Year, OP, let this be the year that you take back your power, and shove the arsehole that left you, so far into the past that he's but a faint shadow.

Pity the poor cow he’s currently with. It won’t last.

My friend whose husband left her and their baby used to hope this. But he actually married the OW and is extremely happy many years in. We have another friend whose husband left her and he’s married the OW too. It’s much worse to leave a marriage for a fling, imo.

This. With bells on. It’s him not you. Pity the poor cow he’s currently with. It won’t last.

And you want to live happily ever after? This dickhead leaving is a big step in that direction.

Really this situation is more like a bereavement because the person you thought he was is dead as is your marriage and family life as you knew it. So 3 years is not that long. Probably you will just learn to carry it with you and not really think about it rather than get over it as such. They say the best revenge is living well, an you could focus on your own life, your goals and hobbies, retraining, that sort of thing and plan a few nice things for you and dc.

It’s not always as easy as “getting a better paid job”. You know nothing about the ops skill set or the area she lives in.

You haven’t failed - he has - and in the worst way possible. Leaving aside his failure at marriage, he has failed as a parent by effectively abandoning his children.

You, on the other hand, have stepped up and are doing it all. Well done. You’re the one there day by day loving and working for your children. You are far stronger.

Please take pride in yourself.

My friend’s husband left her for another woman. It almost destroyed her and she has never got over it.

A bit like grieving, she’s learned to live along side it. She’s met and married someone else and she is happy, but she’s never been the same and she’s come to terms with that.

What an incredibly selfish man leaving his wife and young children to move abroad for another woman
You deserve better. I'm sure it'll be a matter of time before he's does the same to the OW. I am sorry you have been treated like this. Keep moving forward. Eventually things will improve and hopefully in the future you'll meet someone muxh nicer.

She's mourning the life she was entitled to expect when this man agreed to be her life partner and be faithful to her, on which basis they went on to have two children together.
She's mourning the fact that due to no fault or desire on her part she is struggling practically and financially as a single parent when she thought she be part of a supportive family unit.
Obviously.

It sounds to me like you have almost PTSD from your experience with him. This may not be a tking therapy thing, i wonder if there is another form of trestment you could consider? Also is he paying enough?

Not choosing to look for another partner doesn’t mean your MIL has decided not to move on, what an immature suggestion. OP is on antidepressants - obviously likely for depression, if she could just ‘choose’ not to be unhappy I’m sure she would.

OP, this is the worst time of year for it. I've just had my 3rd Xmas without the ex-H (after 26 years together) and it's tough. I think you're being hard on yourself - there's no magical set timescale for healing, you're grieving not for the man who left you, but the life you thought you would have. You thought you'd be raising your DC together in a family unit, but instead you're doing it alone. Please pat yourself on the back that you are doing this, and able to. You will have an incredible bond with your daughters because of this.
How is your support network? Family and friends have completely carried me during the past 3 years, and I'm so grateful to them all. Look to strengthen and expand this in the coming year. My DC are older, so I think it's easier on me - they are more independent, I can go out and leave them etc - so bear in mind, this isn't forever. Every year that passes, your daughters become more independent - and you will have more time for yourself to develop new friendships and relationships, and work on career/fulfilling hobbies & interests. Be kind to yourself.

I think the big challenge is to let go off what your life should have been and embrace what it is. I think the fact you have nobody to share the parenting with is the biggest challenge tbh.

Try and separate your thoughts / feelings. Worrying about your future, finances etc and the challenges that go with lone parenting are totally separate from not being able to get over what your ex did. Focus on these, is there anything you can do differently? How old are your kids now? Mine older two are both at secondary and school pick ups etc aren’t so much of an issue now!

I think you need to be an awful lot kinder to yourself here op.
The fact that you didn’t know? Good god, I think we’ve all been fooled a time or two. Some of these fuckers are so sneaky and so devious and so well practiced at it, that they can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. You weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. But, he did not “make a fool” of you! He made a fool of himself. He showed the world what a revolting, cock addled tosser he really is. How embarrassing, for him. He has merely cemented that opinion by fucking off abroad and ditching the children. Would you ever even dream of doing that? Of course not, only a self obsessed narcissist would.

Being left as the sole parent is shit, I agree, because it all falls to you. But, you ARE doing it, everyone is safe, fed, warm, loved, looked after. And, as they get older, it will get easier. You are showing your mettle, every single day. Your life and your time is so precious op and your head space is limited. Don’t waste one more second considering this dickweed or the daft bint he’s with. You’ve far, far better things to do.
Sending a very unmumsnetty hug your way op. Let 2026 be the year you finally leave this turd behind and focus on YOU. Good luck xx

Because I know her well. It's been 35 years and she's still really bitter. A series of decisions she made has left her here, e.g. choosing not to have many friends, choosing not to look for another partner.

I don't want to derail the thread with this especially as OP has acknowledged the comment and there is a psychologist and people with direct experience.

OP is looking for help and I don't want to put too much pressure on her by saying she can choose to move on or not but I definitely think in the case I've mentioned there has been a choice not to move on. Perhaps MIL was worried that if she did "get over it" it would mean "it" wasn't that bad.

My view is that we only have one life and I hope OP can make the most of hers. It's really sad that OP feels worthless and a failure when most people would not think that and would be judging her ex for buggering off abroad. There has been lots of good advice on this thread, OP I hope you can find your happiness and not be defined by your ex.

I think it’s possible accept the pain and sadness without letting them define you. I agree with pp who suggested a gratitude journal.

Realistically the core of your situation is not going to change much soon. Your children will continue to need you and it’s hard to be a single parent, finances are a constant worry, it’s a slog. It also sounds as if you actually are doing it all, which is super impressive.

The idea that you should have moved on, you should be happy, right now I think that just adds more burden on top of everything else you have to carry. Don’t focus on what he is doing, don’t focus on what you think life should feel like, focus on being proud of what you are doing to care for your kids and glad of any small blessing that comes your way. Be open to connect with people, you don’t have to hide your sadness but it’s not the center of who you are either.

You’re still going and that is a huge achievement in itself.

This isn't as helpful as you think it is.

OP I get it. The sheer shock and anger of being made a fool of. Every life plan being suddenly stalled. The relentless parenting.

I am here as someone a couple of decades on and very happy with my lot. I feel that I ‘won’ overall. I got my amazing children. My independence. Once mine were old enough to walk to school I was able to work more on my career and now am financially comfortable and fulfilled.

I don’t really care about my ex but a karma story seems appropriate to share here. He was a disappointing husband and father and the children have no respect for him. He didn’t change and worked his way through a few women until the last one left when he became very badly disabled. He is now alcoholic and lonely and badgering the children to visit more.

He has done you a favour. It’s sad you don’t get a good one but it’s not your fault at all. It’s not you. You will be OK.

Echoing PPs re antidepressants. I’m not ashamed to say they got me through my ex cheating and leaving. He has also moved on, earns significantly more than me and has a much healthier work/life balance than I do and is behaving like the Disney dad.

I’m focussing on not giving a shit which is hard when there is so much injustice. However that is only ever going to affect me, and I don’t want that. I won’t allow for him to continue to dictate my feelings. My aim is indifference, and I’m nearly there.

I’m a single parent too, and I understand feeling angry and upset about the breakup. The fact he’s still continuing to treat your children so badly instead of stepping up to his responsibilities is part of the problem - hard to move forward when something is still happening.

But, I think that your life will be happier if you focus on you. Pour some of your energy into your career and work out a way that you can earn more and progress at work.

I also think that you’ll be able to get more perspective if you can work out a way to get some time for yourself. Do you have any family who can have the kids for the odd weekend? Would they enjoy something like pgl if they’re old enough? Do you have mum friends who you could offer reciprocal sleepovers with? Can their dad have them? Ideally try and work 4 days a week so that you’ve got some time/headspace the last day.

Honestly, the pushing yourself to be ok about it will just create resistance. Because why should you be ok about being treated poorly and left to parent alone? Of course it's not fair. You've been through a huge loss, not just him, but the life you hoped for

I'm a psychologist by trade and the "growing around grief/loss" model is by far the most helpful I've found. Time doesn't shrink the size of the loss, or lessen the pain of it, but we have to gradually make our lives expand around the loss, so it doesn't take up as much of the space day to day.

What can you do to look to expand outwards and to grow the parts of your life further that have been established since you started afresh after he went? What are you proud of that you/your kids have achieved for yourselves? What do you want to do more of or less of?

How on earth do you know she has 'chosen' to not get on with it?!