Teen son doesn't want to come on holiday

He’s 14! He should be bloody grateful to get to go on lovely holidays: I fear the issue is you’ve given them the choices, where to go etc. you’ve set yourself up a bit for him to be a brat. 14 feels too young to start refusing family holidays and being given a say.

He is probably being unreasonable unless you are very embarrassing to him in your holiday behaviour (things like wearing a Coldplay t-shirt, very small swimwear if a beach holiday).

If he does not come with you, it should not be a week with mates.

I would be most worried about what he was doing in his room the whole time. Addicted to his phone? Porn?
Unfair and selfish on all of you and your younger son.
the next couple of years will be tough holiday-wise but keep at it. Do not let kids rule the roost or parent themselves. They will come round eventually. But you need to toughen up, your mistake was allowing this last time.
Do not warn him but next time when you get on holiday you take his phone off him and you sit down and talk. Explain how concerned you are for his mental health and development. How unhealthy it is. What you can all agree on to improve the holiday etc. see if you can negotiate a deal. He has to spend x hours engaging with the family and then he gets time to himself. For every 3 hours w the family he gets one hour alone. But make those 3 hours as fun as possible. And consider getting him into counselling.

My son did this at age 12....spent entire holiday hiding in the hotel room.

Yes I would absolutely let hom staynhome.

My now 13 yesr old is mortified to be seen in public with us. Its a phase. I say enjoy your holiday and let him enjoy time with his friends

I would not force him to go, I'd look for an alternative - trusted family friend or relative to either stay with him or him stay with them. I think it would be a real shame for the rest of you to miss out.

If he really would ruin your holiday and your sister can stay over and watch him, that's probably the least-worst outcome. BUT, from this point onwards every time he asks for something besides basic clothing, food, or school supplies, I'd just say "no - if our company isn't good enough for you then neither is our money."

You need to get tough and tell him ue's not staying home and when he's 18 and he can go anywhere he likes.

Your mistake was letting him stay in the hotel at the age of 13. My parents would have come down like a ton of bricks at that point.

Teenagers are moody and sulky. And yes, they are going through a lot of changes. That's not an excuse to give them an easy ride.

My brother and SIL live like this, and they are some of the most inconsiderate people I know. I do think that kind of attitude is fine for their own happiness, but people like this do not give a shit about anyone else and are entitled, rude and selfish when it comes to doing anything that doesn't centre around themselves. I think if people can be polite and considerate alongside low pressure lifestyle then fine - but clearly it just teaches them they can do what they like and fuck everyone else.

FWIW i think it's completely unacceptable to let a 13 year old ruin a holiday like that to the point others weren't able to enjoy their holiday. I wouldn't have let my child stay in the hotel room the entire time, probably on screens. It's not healthy for a start, but imagine being in another part of the world and not wanting to see or appreciate it? Not enjoy it? Experience the things with your family?
I genuinely can't fathom it.

I do think the OP would do best leaving him at home if she genuinely thinks he'll ruin it for everyone else. But take steps to avoid house parties and the likes!

If he goes, don't let him stay in bed; make it clear up front that it's an active holiday. Give him and his bro equal input into what the family does each day, within reason, and then either all do it or split up one child one adult (assuming you don't want the boys to go off on their own).

At 14 though, I'd consider letting him stay home if there's someone you trust that is happy to have him stay and he's happy to stay with. It sounds like he's figured out what a reasonable compromise plan would be (rather than insisting he can just stay home alone, or insisting no one can go) so I'd engage with him seriously about it but I'd also consider WHY he wants to stay home.

Nice. Kids in their rooms 24/7, leave them at home for holidays. Do your friends interact with their kids at all?! Maybe they do it all via no pressure/no judgement WhatsApp.

Never understood post like this , dont give him the option of saying in the room.

But there’s no value for that for anyone if he’s just going to sulk. Then no one has any fun.

What next, he doesn't fancy Christmas so he can stay in his room all day?

I know a couple of families very well who live these low demand kind of lifestyles where it is very much ‘do what you like.’ From what I see, they are some of the happiest families around. No judgement, no pressure. I didn’t do it with my kids, but if I had my time again, I might.

could ge take a friend with him? Or try to buddy up with other teen families?

@Cherrytree86 "Then you shouldn’t go on holiday. Simple as."

So just to be clear. You think a 14 year old child who is afraid he won't look super cool hanging round with his parents should dictate what the entire family does? Yeah right, because that's such a brilliant way to teach young people about sharing, caring, finances, compromise and responsibility. So anytime he wants to have a teenage mega strop (like all teenagers have done since time began) everyone should fall at his feet and do exactly what the adolescent demands? Is this how you raised your own kids? How it it work out?

If your kid stays in their room all Christmas day then you have a problem, much like if at 14 they don't want to spend time with their family.

There must be more to it.

I don’t see what the problem is. I stopped holidaying with my parents at that age, a couple of years I went away with my friend and their family and from the age of 17 starting going away just with my friends. No big dramas, I just didn’t want to hang around with my parents and younger brother. So long as he’s being looked after while you’re away, I’d leave him to it

Yes I imagine many teens just stay in their rooms because they don’t fancy Christmas.
You can’t make a teen do anything they don’t want to do, well you can, but they just ruin the entire thing for everyone as she discovered on last years holiday

I can't believe you let a 13 year old dictate your plans? Surely you just make him come with you.

I'd be tempted to book a day out at somewhere like Thorpe Park for you, DH and other DC and tell sulky one you knew he wouldn't want to come as he wouldn't want to be seen with you…

That's where I am leaning.

Why should a 14-year-old be able to dictate the holiday plans of the three other members of the family?

• bring a friend on holiday but definitely no to him staying at a friends- stay with sister or grandparents and no access to your house unsupervised.

13 year old prevents whole family from holidays. Mad.

Mine came on family holidays until they were 17.

The last holiday DS2 was on was a nice caravan park in France. He spent the whole of it in the bar, playing video games with his new friends.

It was very frustrating, but he was always safe when we checked on him, so we left him to it.

He was much better on the way back - a day at Puy du Fou, and a few days in Centerparcs.