Absent son

They have their relationship OP and it's different to yours, that's all.

I think you need to stop upsetting your mum by slagging your brother off though.

I understand how you feel, OP. It would be wonderful if all kids visited and called their parents regularly, but unfortunately that’s not always how things play out. I have three grown children myself, only one has moved out, and even now they each communicate with me in completely different ways. I can already see that, in the future, I won’t hear/see from all of them equally.

I’m sure your mom would love to see your brother more often, but bringing it up to her will likely just make her feel worse. If you want to help, you could gently mention it to your brother, but beyond that, I’d stay out of it. Parent/child relationships are complicated, and ultimately it’s up to them to navigate their own dynamic.

You sound a little condescending towards your mother. She is not dissatisfied with the arrangement, to the extent that she won’t hear anything negative said about him.
You appear to believe that she should feel differently, just because you do.

And actually, adults have no obligation to have a certain type of relationship with their parents. It’s lovely when they are close, but they don’t owe that to anyone

My DB lives a similar distance from my Mum and sees her usually twice a year but he does have a full time job and three children at home. I’m
only 1.5 hours away and used to only go 4 times a year until recently when she’s had a lot of health problems. We’re not a close family and have lives to lead and I don’t have a problem with those frequencies. DM is still much more complimentary about DB than me, even though I’ve done loads more for her; he’s always been the preferred child.

The best thing to do? Let it go, stop discussing it, leave it alone. The only person you're upsetting is yourself. Have had similar scenario but with more siblings. One hasn't even spoken to my mum for nearly 20 years, another hasnt visited for even longer than that and thinks sending a handmade Christmas card makes him son of the year (other siblings refer to him as golden balls) He doesnt even pick up the phone or message, so your brother is doing pretty well. Family dynamics are best left for each individual to sort out particularly when there's no grandchildren in the mix, they're both adults, let them get on with it

I think this all sounds OK except for arranging parallel medical appointments that she didn't even want. I think whoever is on the sharp end of supporting an elderly parent gets to say how things go, and he should have consulted over whether this was wanted, needed or would cause confusion before meddling in arrangements.

This basically. You are waaaay too invested in what your brother does, when there’s nothing you can change - he is entitled to phone, visit when he wants. No one seems unhappy but you, keep your nose out.

YABU, for several reasons. But regardless of your feelings about your brother - stop putting it on your mum and allowing things to ‘get heated’ about it, no woman is responsible for a grown man’s behaviour, and it’s not fair to try and put her against her son. You are out of line on that.

I don’t see what he’s doing wrong. Theres no ‘should’. You make it all sound very dutiful. You also sound very resentful, maybe of how things will pan out. You’re working and with other responsibilities yet still visit regularly to ‘help’. Maybe there’s ‘help’ she could buy in to leave you free. It’s what we save for all our lives after all, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC free to live their own lives in their prime.
You’ve chosen to live close to your mum.
I suspect your resentment is misplaced.

When do you and your mum make the effort to go and visit your brother?

I would sit and have a good think about what you want your relationship with your mum to be. How often do you want to see her, and how much do you want to help her? What suits you, what do you feel comfortable with? Then do that. That's what your brother has done.

Your brother doesn’t sound like the problem here.

Stop bloody discussing it with her then. Believe her! It bothers you it seems but not her.

Interested in this response

Why don’t you believe your mum when she says she’s ok with it? Do you think she’s lying or that she should be more upset because you are?

Just live your life- if you would like help in supporting her then ask him but if not you need to let it go and focus on something else.

So patronising to think you know what your mum feels better than she does.

Really I don't see the problem, if he lived closer then that would be different.

We live 4 hours from my Dad, I've seen him once this year (mainly due to me having issues driving long distance and the train tickets are really expensive). I ringing him regularly and keep in touch with my sister who is half an hour away. No one in our family has a problem with this.

If she’s happy leave it alone.

He called and texts, he try’s to help via sorting private medical appointments (he pays for?)

He lives four hours away and visits twice a year for a few days. Presumably he works and has friends and maybe a partner? It’s trying to fit everything in when you don’t just live 20 minutes down the road. You only get so much annual leave.

What would you actually want a weekend every month? A week every 2 months ?

I honestly don't understand why he doesn't visit more often.

Because he lives an eight hour round-trip away, OP. Stop being obtuse.

I think you need to let it go. My DB lives two hours from our mother and visits once a year. He only takes his DC every other year. I find it weird, and a bit sad for them. DM and DB are both adults, so could arrange more visits if they were bothered.

How many times over the years have you made the 8 hour round trip to visit him?

It’s all very well saying the mum is happy with the arrangement but it seems a little unfair that the “burden” of day to day care falls on the OP. Easy for mum to be happy with it as long as her needs are met, but the OP is picking up the slack because her brother has chosen to live away.

It’s hard because people do move away and should be able to live as they please, but I can also see the OP’s point.