Absent son

Tbf, your mum is 'fine' with it in part because she has you on the spot to call on for help and for day to day companionship. Her life would no doubt look different if you both adopted your brothers behaviour. As it is, she has you as her constant and him as an occasional treat, which probably does feel ok. I can understand why it's galling for you though.
That said, there really isn't anything you can do, so unless you feel you're carrying an unfair burden because of him, in which case speak to him, you're probably as well keeping it to yourself.

Are you upset because you're 'on the doorstep', so picking up the bulk of day-to-day wrap around care? I did this with DM before she passed away, and frankly whilst I never had an issue supporting her. It's a constant drain regarding when the phone goes while you're at work, worrying about a fall, ensuring shopping is delivered, are the carers turning up. Phone going off at 2am and running round to help... It's easy to feel you're doing the lions share while "golden bollocks" does fuck all to the bare minimum, and you're still left feeling you're not "doing enough".

Don't beat yourself up!

I totally empathise with this and am in this same situation too. My MIL’s daughter lives two hours away and only comes to visit once a year if that, for an afternoon. Like yours, my MIL thinks the sun shines out of her, and yet in her eyes we can never do enough for her. My SIL’s children have grown up and she’s semi retired. We are raising our own family with kids still in school, we are both in full time jobs, one of our children has mental health issues, and we have more than enough on our plates. We feel resentful that all of my MIL’s responsibilities lie with us, and we get no outside support. Even things that can be done from afar would help us hugely, like changing her insurance, but when my DH asks for more help from his sister it is met with huge resistance and often causes a rift, and my MIL takes huge pity on her.

It is hard for people to understand unless they are in this position. The dynamics are unfair and unfortunately I don’t think they will change. Your brother will always be the golden child no matter what, and there will always be an expectation that you should do more.

I would love to know what the answer is but I’m still looking for it. Just know that you are not alone. I think my MIL knows that my SIL’s behaviour is shocking but somehow for her it is easier for her to be in denial and put her on a pedestal, than to face the sadness of the reality, and have to explain to others that her own daughter isn’t really that arsed about her.

Everyone’s relationships are unique and you can’t expect other people to live by your standards.

My DH’s brother and wife definitely think we don’t make more effort with PILs - but there’s a lot of history there that mean DH put his boundaries in place and stuck to them. BIL doesn’t know all the details - and that’s fine. But he also doesn’t tie himself in knots trying to hold us to his own standards - because that would be an utterly miserable way to live!

You say that ‘whenever you try to discuss it things get heated’.

In other words, you keep upsetting your mother by trying to get her to join you in slagging off her son, and reminding her repeatedly that he doesn’t see her much and implying he doesn’t care about her. You’re stirring and upsetting her.

The only person causing tension here is you. Your brother makes an eight-hour round trip to see your mum a couple of times a year and he’s in regular contact with her. That’s his relationship with her. You can’t engineer it to be something different just because you think it should be.

This is what I thought, trying to badger her mother into saying something that she could go straight back to the brother with.

Actually, it seems that Mother is wise to the tactic and is grey rocking OP.

I live at minimum 4 hours from my parents and visit 3-4 times a year.
it really isn’t easy around work, my commitments here and my own down time. I can absolutely assure you though the guilt is a daily feeling. I moved away nearly 30 years ago so I can’t just up and move back but I do talk to them daily and I do what I can

You need to stop trying to change your brother and his relationship with his mum. The only person this is causing stress to is you. Over the last few years of parents and in-laws aging I have found out how differently siblings are often treated by parents and how different their relationships can be. Leave him be and if anything build on your relationship with him.

How elderly is your mother? Could she and you visit him? As the child who lives far away I'm aware of how frequently people visited me when they were fit and going on holidays and how much childcare my siblings received and I use that memory to appease my guilt at not visiting more often (although I do go several times a year and invite her to visit too).

My brother lives 4 hours from my elderly widowed father. Doesn’t drive. He visits about once a year, and is in regular contact through emails etc. Normal for us.

There could be all sorts of reasons why he doesn’t work - illness or disability, caring for a partner or child etc. Not everyone who doesn’t work is a layabout who can’t be arsed.

Please stop trying to upset your elderly mother about this! It is really cruel to cause a very elderly person distress about something that cannot be changed (& which in any event sounds well within the parameters of normal - because nothing you have said makes your brother sound particularly unreasonable or neglectful).

I get the impression you won’t be happy until your mother is crying herself to sleep abour this, & - as someone who cares for elderly relatives myself - just do not see how you can look yourself in the eye doing this.

‘Don’t cause pain to vulnerable elderly people’ is kind of a basic. Most people -if they thought one child was neglectful- would be trying to avoid their elderly mother being distressed by this, for instance by covering it up or downplaying it, not seeking to work her up!

Maybe look into therapy to see if you bear resentment to your mother for possible favouritism in the past, or other failings, or perhaps for what you do for her now, & if you are trying to punish her for this now she is old and weak and kind of at your mercy. I do know from my own experience old people can be very challenging - I do sympathise with this - but we really have to avoid acting out our bitternesses or resentment on them.

I actually think the brother is lazy. He doesn’t work. He could visit his mother far more.
Is the problem that the op has to deal with all the nitty gritty, boring stuff. A phone call is never the same as having to spend time with an elderly parent, never. Elderly parents an be extremely draining. Unless you have been in the situation of being the child who has to care for them you will never know the stain it causes.

You still haven’t said how often either of you visit your brother. I’m assuming you don’t, otherwise you’d have mentioned it.

You're not listening to her. It's very upsetting when you tell someone how you feel and they dismiss it because they insist they know better.

What is it that you want to achieve? You're not going to change him. All you're doing is upsetting her. Just stop.

Your concern is bizarre. She’s happy, you don’t need help. He keeps in contact with her. Keep out of it.

You are completely out of order for judging him for living his own life.

In the nicest possible way you need to stop getting yourself worked up over this. I appreciate how frustrating it might feel to you, but your mum says it doesn't bother her he doesn't visit more often. Neither of you can make him and even if it did bother her would he even visit more often?
If he does things like arraging the extra appointments but is expecting you to facilitate mum getting there just say you can't, you have plans, work etc and he will have to do it etc.

YABU

I don’t really see what he has done wrong? He visits twice a year and stays for a day or two, and he calls and texts regularly- seens reasonable when he lives an 8 hour round trip away. I suppose he could visit more, if he wished to, but he obviously does not want to do so. As is his right, just as you are free to chose how often and when you visit. There is no accepted “minimum” or “maximum” for visiting your parents for you to compare his actual visits to, there is no “he should visit more”.

Ultimately, you need to accept that you don’t get a say in the nature relationship between your mother and your brother- their relationship is independent of yours with each of them and they are both entitled to conduct their relationship as they see fit. I think you should keep your nose out of it, unless you have reason to believe your mother is at risk in some way or if she chooses to discuss it with you. Which she obviously doesn’t wish to, as she has told you so. That could be because she is genuinely fine with the situation and finds your interfering irritating; or perhaps you are right, and she is sad that he does not visit more often and your repeatedly bringing it up reminds her of this which is upsetting- hence the reason she doesn’t want to talk about it. In either case, you are being unfair to your mother by insisting on airing your views.

OP it comes across as you trying to goad your mother into being upset about this.
Is that what you want?

Yes maybe he should see her more if he was more altruistic, or if she needed him, or if he wanted to. He doesn't and she doesn't. You can't make him because you can't control other people's behaviour and it's his relationship with his own mother. It's literally none of your business. You see her and help her how you wish and he will do the same, if there is help your mum needs that you dont want to pick up then discuss it with her. Ultimately, you set your own boundaries about what works for you and how much you do, and he will/has done the same. Constantly moaning about it to family and your mum must be very irritating, and it sounds like you want her to say "you're right, you're the better child" - she never will, parents don't think like that, so stop asking, stop bringing him up to her and leave them to their own relationship. I also think you aren't hearing the undertone when family say "it's only you who gets upset" what they mean is "please stop ranting about this to us because its very negative, really boring, results in you being grumpy and it won't change".
Leave it well alone and stop dwelling on it. Do what you feel you want to do for your mum and leave her and your brother to their own relationship. It'll save you energy and heart ache and it's the right approach for everyone else too. Look at private carers who can pick up care if you don't want to. Would it be nice if he was around and could do the day to day helping, of course, but it is what it is, so work on positive solutions that deal with the reality of the situation rather than wishing it were different.

Just leave them to their relationship and focus on yours with your mother

My only sibling (younger than me) died last year so it's just me to visit my parents. They are still very active and are hardly ever in the country.

I've realised that dd1 has not visited once in 2025! She lives a 5 hour round trip away. I have visited her about 6 times, mostly to babysit gdg and we do facetime weekly. Basically she thinks our house is too small to accommodate her (2dc still live at home though one is moving nearer to her next week). Dd2 has only visited twice this year but they don't have a car and with 2 young dc it's difficult on public transport. She lives about 25 miles away.
It doesn't really bother me, they have busy lives so maybe it doesn't really bother your dm.

Families are tough.
I'm one of seven siblings, and iver tine Ive tried to understand and make peace with the fact that we all have (and are allowed) to have our own individual relationships with each other, and also with our parents.
I try not to make comparisons or have expectations of what we should each do.
Not easy, but it definitely sits easier with me now.