To be confused by the two working parent set up

I agree! I’ve also been trying to hang on to my career as didn’t want to loose that bit of me, but does make it tough with the expectations sometimes! But I have also declined promotions as too much in this part of my life - sometimes you know when you’re at you max with life & work! I wanted to enjoy life a bit more instead of survive which is how I feel Ive been since returned from second maternity leave.

I feel you, 2 DC almost 8 & 4. I work 4 days a week, with a day a week with the youngest DC . Although things are shared, the mental load of the house, oldest DC homework, projects, keeping up with all school activities, majority of the pick ups sits with me. It’s exhausting!!

I have been able to keep my role at work which has helped, but life is a constant juggle!

I agree with one of the earlier posts that sometimes other things have to give & I agree with that.

I agree but, judging by what I see on MN, many parents insist on such a long list of dos and don'ts for anyone spending alone time with their children that most villagers run a mile. They don't want villagers, they just want mini-mes who'll follow every rule - we were happy to have someone who loved our children and kept them safe and happy and we didn't worry about the odd biscuit.

Completely agree - there’s often a default parent, even if partners support there’s always one that carries the mental load - often the female.

My 2 DC are small still but I will also follow your advice reference having children. Life is so different now!

I thought this too. If my Mum was still alive she would be nearly 80 now. She went back to work PT when I was about 18 months, and then FT as soon as I was at school. She worked, looked after my brother and me, did the majority of the housework, shopping and cooking, looked after her elderly father who lived with us at the end of his life. She also somehow found time to volunteer in the community and enjoy hobbies. I don’t know how she did it tbh, I have been lucky enough to be able to always work PT.

I’m a working mum with 2 primary aged children and a 1 year old, although only part time (I have been full time) it wouldn’t be worth our while financially for me to be full time really and I wouldn’t want to be. Financially it can be a struggle at times and we don’t have the holidays and days out most people seem to have but it’s preferable. Our children go to nursery/childminders when I’m working so they are in effect taking a big chunk of the workload off me so I never quite understand when people say as working mothers do work on top of everything a stay at home mother does. I’ve been at home over the Christmas holidays as have hardly had change to do anything what with the one year old as she’s been very grizzly unless distracted whereas when she’s at nursery she’s very happy as plenty of distractions all day long and then tonight when she’s asleep I’ve got all the work created by having the kids at home all day to clean up too. I think working part time I get more of a break as when I’m on annual leave our 1 year old still does usual days at nursery which gives me chance to clean the whole house. Before I went back to work I never got that opportunity.
As for the village, it’s something I miss hugely but not for the childcare, but just to be able to hang out together with other people with the kids (as I did years ago when our oldest was little) to have a relative cook you a nice meal once in a while or an uncle show your child how to play the guitar. We don’t seem to have any of that anymore due to illness, relocations etc. I do think people who are wanting a village to provide the regular childcare for when they are working are rather entitled, not everyone wants to look after other people’s children and there are plenty of commercial options out there

I think today the problem is everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager anymore, across all generations

I am in my early 40s and my parents both worked full time. I think that was probably the norm for most people my age. I dont know how old you are but if you have young kids I assume not older than me. So if your mum was able to be a stay at home mum I think that has given you unrealistic expectations. Yes its a lot to juggle. And exhausting. But thats the choice when choosing to have kids unless you have a partner who earns a very high salary or your parents are rich.

If you think it's bad with two adults sharing the roles and responsibilities, imagine what it's like for single parents.

DH and I shared the load plus had a cleaner.

it was still tough when the kids were younger.

To date, despite working full time, DH or I have always made it to every school event, I am sure one day we may need to miss one but TBH that's true of SAHMs too - life means sometimes you aren't well or have another commitment

But there is also the dad, isn't there if he is in the picture?

DH and I both work and he has a lot more flexibiity and wfh since DD started primary school. So going out for 1 1/2 hours for a sports day or assembly was easier than for me as it meant taking annual leave.

I went if I could but DD also understood that sometimes life doesn't work with the school's calendar and we had a talk about what she wanted. She chose normally assemblies and plays instead of sport day so we planned accordingly.

Luckily the school also realised that parents work and scheduled plenty of things first thing in the morning or after 5pm instead of in the middle of the day. That often meant just 1/2 day leave.

I’m 58 with late teen / early 20s kids. It is easier now as I get breaks when the kids are away from home at uni. Holidays are still relentlessly busy and uni holidays are long. My early 20s DC is now independent socially but still worryingly financially dependent. My late teen DC is still quite dependent in all ways though gradually getting there. So I’m working and DH is working. I was part time when the DC were young as DH travelled and worked very long hours and me being full time was too much. But now it’s above all else a financial strain. Just bought 6 months’ supply of contact lenses for both of them (they have both inherited my short sightedness) and car insurance (we are rural) until the end of the uni holidays. Retirement is still a long way off! And cooking for the family is a nightmare with DC in and out the house at all hours with and without friends and our tiny kitchen. Whenever I want to put a wash on, one of them is using the machine….

I understand what you’re saying.
The job of the home and children is not valued enough, or given the resources needed (time) to feel it’s manageable.
However, the set up of one parent at home doesn’t resonate with me- all of my family, going back generations, both parents have worked.
I feel like it might be a skewed vision of the past.

In my experience that was absolutely the case. I had mental health problems when I was pregnant and was well looked after, but all that was forgotten once my son arrived as he wasn't very well (jaundice and problems feeding). All focus was on him, the mental health checks were a joke (and I was flagged as high risk for PND) and I was made to feel like a failure because he lost a lot of weight (but was also encouraged to keep trying to breastfeed and not give formula). I feel guilty even thinking about myself, there was no care at all for a struggling new mum.

Interestingly, Wes Streeting has just said on R4 that new mums have said anecdotally that they feel health workers have no interest in the mother once the baby is born and are completely focused on the baby alone. This is not healthy or desirable.

DC are mid 50s. DH and I both worked from them being pre school. No family nearby. We bought a house early 70s, it necessitated two incomes. DH did more than many of his peers.

DC are far more affluent than we were. Had their DC much later, got established first. Have bigger homes, better holidays, cleaners etc. They did it themselves, and will.have enough to help DGC get on the housing ladder.

This is the reality if you both work. Exhaustion juggling. One drops off, one picks up.

You take your holidays separately and use holiday clubs and grandparents when school age.

Yeah my parents came to almost none of that stuff because they both worked and it really was sad and that feeling has very much stayed with me.

I couldn’t care less if my parents came to school plays or sports days. I often forgot to tell my parents about them, that’s how little I cared. I think the importance of these events is massively overplayed to make parents who don’t have a 100% attendance at them feel guilty.

(I’m child-free so have no skin in the game in this debate.)

My children would be devastated if I didn’t attend their sports day, school plays etc. I see them looking for me every time and then beaming when they see me in the crowd. These events matter a lot.

I’m in my 60’s and have two sons now in their 30’s. I had a profession and to retain credibility and keep my job/partnership I had to work full time. I took 8 weeks maternity leave with my first and six weeks with my second. It was not uncommon. The secret to making it work was to be ultra organised and pay other people to do housework, also had a nanny. One of us could usually get to sports day etc but in the greater scheme of things those events don’t matter that much. I’d have been bored silly at home.

In 1981 Thatcher did something to food standards in school

Ypucould buy snacks then and school dinners disappeared a bit. But when l was little we always had hot meal at school and sandwiches at home.

My mum worked full time as she was a scientist with a career and fantastic pension, which she needed as her and DF split in the 1980’s when me & DB were teens. It meant she could live a full life with her own income til she died and had a very comfortable life.
my beat friend on the other hand was a SAHM got shafted by her DH and has to work the rest of her life, no pension, so it does pay to work but only if you I vest in your own future

WRT your chronic condition, I also have multiple chronic conditions and am applying for ill health retirement at 54, so perhaps account for this in your future if at all possible. I was diagnosed on the last 2 years but had my pension for 20 years so far

Exactly. There’s not enough thought or consideration for this when people have children. Also important to consider is if one of the parents were to get ill or die… could you cope? Realistically speaking, I think I could only raise one child with our current finances and support system. I don’t have children currently though.