To be confused by the two working parent set up

Yes, I agree with this. Let's not make out childless aunt Mary to be a saint who is surrounded by an evil, uncaring family. Its rarely as black and white as this.

In my family, "aunt Mary" was a judgey old cow who used to criticise us from morning until night and nothing was ever good enough for her. She would make nasty comments about people's weight, spread gossip, be generally a bit of a dick and then wonder why no-one particularly wanted to spend time with her.

This is surprising to me tbh.

As others say – my mum worked FT, at least from when my younger brother was about 6yo. And this was in the 1970s. I am not a lot younger than your mum @Angels1111 and I have always worked FT (three DC).

Anyway - to answer your question – yes it is hard, yes a lot of your life is subsumed to the DC. Mine are all adults now and while they still need me in various ways and for various reasons specific to them (disability/ND) I have been able in recent-ish years to take on a job that involves me in a standar 9-5.30 day working a commute away. When they were teens even I was still very much on call for after school music lessons/athletics practice etc, so I still had to tailor my work to some extent round that.

I think your illness must make it much more difficult for you.

It’s not as hard in practice as it is on paper although you will be busy. The big difference between now and 50/70 years ago is the time it takes to complete tasks and the availability of convenience. We aren’t tethered to 9-5 shopping patterns, we have delay timers on the washing machine and tumble dryers in our homes, there are nurseries offering 7.30-6pm childcare 51 weeks a year…..

Youll find your rhythm and it will only be the days where someone is poorly or the nursery shuts for snow or whatever that really cause a major problem.
we were both back full time when DD was 9 months old, she’s 11yo now and we found nursery was easier to manage than the first few years of primary school, and age 9 up has been getting steadily easier as she gets more independent and needs less childcare.

The first few years of primary school were a bitch though, uniforms needed to be ready and look decent, wraparound care was hard to source, loads of holidays to cover and lots of holiday clubs won’t take reception age children, the good clubs are expensive, the cheaper clubs were boring and took a lot of cajoling to get DD to participate. Trying to cover 13 weeks holiday with less than 10 weeks annual leave meant never being on holiday at the same time as DH or having to have more clubs.

Some practical tips from me:

• over buy cheap clothes for nursery and set yourself up at the weekend so you have every days worth of clothes ready to just put them into when they wake up
• develop a clear morning routine that works and stick to it. We would get up, downstairs, eat breakfast, washed, dressed, then DD would have 30 minutes to play/watch tv while I sorted out bags and tidied the kitchen, then shoes, coat and leave. Having a known routine meant she knew what to expect and didn’t get discombobulated.
• If you have to do packed lunches, develop a structure and prep for it. As I was unpacking the shopping I’d pot up fruit and veg into individual portions, break up the yoghurt pots, cube up some cheese into pots and fill the snack box with bags of crisps/mini cookie packs. Then in the morning I just grabbed a veg pot, a fr
• uit pot, a yoghurt, a cheese pot, a bag of crisps or cookies and put them in her lunch box. Dd never liked sandwiches so would usually have a plain croissant or buttered bagel as her carb. Took less than 5 minutes to make and no stress of having to decide or negotiate the contents.
• Fill the washing machine to come on overnight so it’s done by the time you get up, then transfer to the line in the morning. During the winter I set the washing machine to be done for when I finish work so I can put the tumble dryer on while we’re having dinner.
• You can still cook homemade food whole ingredients just pick quick easy recipes. When unpacking the shopping I bag up meat with marinades or rubs and freeze or refrigerate based on dates. I buy pre-prepped veg like trimmed greenbeans or tenderstem brocolli. Then when I finish work put the oven on to pre-heat, pour meat out onto 1 tray, put veg on another with a drizzle of olive oil and seasoning, put in oven for 30 minutes and serve. Or use the slow cooker to make chilli/casserole. Bag up all the ingredients together in a large ziplock bag while you’re unpacking the shopping and leave it in the fridge/freezer, then in the morning just empty it into the slow cooker, set to low and it will be done when you get home. Serve with a loaf of fresh buttered bread or microwave rice.
• Develop the habit of not stopping a job till it’s finished and using your spare minutes. So if you are folding clothes from the dryer, don’t put them in a stack to deal with later just take them straight upstairs and put them away. If you’re waiting for the kettle to boil, use that 2 minutes to sweep the kitchen floor.

And the absolute most important tip of all, is that there are 2 adults in your house, your DH should be doing half of the above and all the other housework/running around getting people where they need to be. If you are both working then you need to be equal partners in the house too.

Women in general I think wanted it all job careers family and have realized that means doing it all generally as most men don’t pick up the unseen stuff that still needs doing

My mum didn’t work till us kids were in our teens but as kids we were often in and out of friends and neighbours houses and no
one ever said anything it was usual to have a few kids going from house to house to hang out ( unofficial child care ) I’m talking early 80s

i am still in touch with my late parents neighbor who was like my aunty growing up and I always pop in and see her and say hello once a month and get her Christmas and birthday presents I spent many a day in her house with her kids as a child
it was the norm where I grew up

There was also a lot more state help back then
when I was a single parent so it was a lot easier for me as my parents / family neighbours were all close by and so I got massive amounts of free child care and help as we all lived close
you didn’t have to go back to work till your kids were 18 /20 if in college and you were able to do college course / get tax credits to help you work

All of this is gone now you have to work once kids are 3 if your on benefits so young kids have to go to nursery or have wrap around care at a young age so more cost

I'm 75, my late DM always worked,as a clear when I was little, I went with her. There's was a lovely lady living above the chemist, reminds me of Miss Haversham looking back, she was so kind to me.. she had multiple cleaning jobs. Then worked for American Express, and had a pub job as well when they both a house
Only child,2 up 2 down. My late DFS mum born in 1900 also worked and her mum. I worked ft nursing with 4 did, but I either Twilight or nights,so didn't pay for childcare. Became a GM at 42, and looked after eldest DD and eldest DD children as well on my nights off.

Good points.

My mum (late 60s) and I (late 30s) had an argument about this last night as she thinks I’m prioritising working over raising my child. I think I’m prioritising a roof over her head, money for activities, and a nice life for DC, plus I enjoy my career, I’m good at it and I want to progress.

She didn’t work until we were in late primary school and then only term time. It’s just not something I’d be able to do unless I moved areas (far away from them) for cheaper housing and changed jobs to a much lower paying one which I’m not willing to do.

My parents didn’t have a village, we don’t have a village. My mum worked. I worked. I actually think it’s a lot better than it used to be because you have online shopping, schools have better wrap around care and Dads are more involved.

Right. So maybe make an effort at the weekend, during holidays?

Also, nowadays maternity leaves are longer (quite rightly). I only got 6 weeks on full pay, then took another 6 weeks. There was no adjustment at work, or right to reduce hours.
Fortunately, some things have changed for the better.

The other thing you see, especially this time of year, is people only wanting to “focus on their little family”. Sod single childless aunt Mary who is alone on Christmas. We’ll see her another day. We just want a nice small Christmas! Then 6 months later, why won’t aunt Mary look after our kids??? She’s not doing anything else!!

I think this works as much the other way as well, that childless aunt Mary expects everyone to run round after her, and never offers anything back in return. Which is the other side of the "village" argument - that grandparents/older relatives who are healthy and able to do so, don't help out.
My parents have babysat precisely once which was an emergency (DH got rushed to hospital) and my DC are now adults.

I don’t handle stress very well and find it hard to juggle so I only worked part time when I had DS . It is because mortgages/ rent take so much of peoples income I think . That is the problem.
personally I would rather take a back seat for a few years than work full time and be able to afford the luxuries like holidays abroad etc anyway but at the moment the way things are families struggle just to pay the cost of basics.

Same- in the 70s and 80s both my parents worked and so did both the parents of all my friends at school, so I am unsure why you would think parents back then were able to SAH as they pleased.

Employment rates of mothers have been rising since the 1970s.

https://www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/article/1793979/employment-rate-mums-children-hits-20-year-high-figures-show#:~:text=Employment%20rate%20of%20mums%20with,to%20those%20with%20care%20responsibilities.

in the 1970s about half of all mothers were in employment (this includes part time). Now it’s up to about 75%.

there have always been mums who worked full time time- my mum did and my grandma did and her grandma did - but it’s a lot more common now.

in the 1960s and 70s a more common pattern was that the woman gave up work on the birth of the first child but then when the children were older (often when the youngest went to secondary) went back to work part time.

these days the more common pattern is maternity leaves and continuing in the same career.

Yes, and there were fewer labour saving devices and ready meals.

What ‘never made sense’?

Why do you "barely know" your neighbours, OP? Have you made an effort with them?
Why aren't you engaging with the people you live with?

Yes, both mine worked full time too, 1960s and 1970s when I was growing up.

It never made sense to me. That's why, despite everything, I'll be a stay at home mum.

Sorry but I don't agree with this at all. I am generation X and the people who are grandparents now, raised me.

Generation X had very little supervision by parents or the "village" at all. My parents would send me off in the morning and I'd do my own thing with my friends to return at tea time. No-one supervised us and no-one even knew where we were half the time. Nowadays this approach would be considered rather dangerous but this idea that back then parents were so much better is a compete rose tinted fantasy.