To be confused by the two working parent set up

I feel like this too. Here’s hoping for a lottery win! Unfortunately I’ll probably be working into my seventies at this rate.

I think the issue for you OP is that you are bedridden some days. (Sorry to hear that.) That would throw out anyone's childcare/work balancing act.)

I read somewhere (sorry can't remember where) that women working once they have children is not some modern thing. Poorer women have always combined children with paid employment. It was just in the middle classes where it was a badge of honour for a man to be able to support his wife not to work.

Personally, I found a perfect balance came from me working 3 days a week when they were very small, leaving two days for childcare combined with some housework plus all those jobs that can take over your weekend otherwise.

Yes, my career progress stopped during that time but it was only about 7 years. And no reason you couldn't get same effect with both partners each working 4 days a week.

I think that expectations around parenting and actively supervising children have changed so much that the old ideas of the village don't apply. I'm 41 and I would go out and play and walk to and from various friend's houses, our parents didn't necessarily know where we were and what we were doing. I remember going places with other families where children sat on each others laps and some sat in the boot, completely illegal now. My brother used to be sent to the shop several busy streets away to buy cigarettes for my Nana, he was 7, that absolutely wouldn't fly today.

We need a revolution!

Current rules of society do not benefit or add any enhancement to most people’s lives.

Everyone seems brainwashed to me.

You are correct that the village is no longer there. Everyone is just .. doing their own thing. Not been great for our society at all. Such a shame.

Its also the cost of everything and the comparison thing that keeps people " keeping up with the Jones' so we all spend way too much and need work to cover it all.

Debt...

House prices are insane. Its pretty disgusting what has been done to us, all in the name of money.

We also are stuck in a house that is too small for us, had a stud wall built in biggest bedroom but its not been the perfect solution by any means.

The other thing reason the village is ceasing to exist is that people are just less friendly, less sociable and more suspicious of others. And have less time or inclination to form friendships.

So many threads on here where a parent needs someone to take their child as a one off and they don't know (e.g.) a single other parent at their DC's school who can do it.

I'm socially awkward and hate talking to people I don't know, but I forced myself to make an effort to talk to the parents of my DC's classmates. None of them ever became my best friends but it did enable us (both ways) to share lifts, favours and last minute emergency playdates.

Oh & the village thing is also impacted by older retirement ages

I grew up in the 70'shere and most women didn't work outside the home or only did seasonal work. Women who lived in town probably did more often but living rurally with no transport and several young kids made things difficult. We also didn't have anywhere near as many school events asmy kids did. Most women did however help out on the farm/garden/look after hens etc.

One of the best bits I think about being a working parent is that if you need to take a sick day, you have childcare in place. You don't need to try and entertain a toddler, you can just drop them off at nursery and go back to bed.

Isn’t it just that society has changed so much in the last 60 years?
I’m in my 60’s and my mum only worked one day a week until we were at secondary school.
However we also lived in an unheated house, had no car or house phone and never went on holiday or out for meals/show/kid friendly place.
You also stayed in the place where you were born so your relatives all live nearby. I saw my cousins weekly, whilst my own children had to travel 150 miles to see theirs.
Would you like to live like that?

This made me LOL because its certainly not true in my case.

My parents palmed me off to their parents (my grandparents) every chance they got. They had loads of babysitting help and free time without me. I was with my grandparents several times a week.

When I had a baby they refused to help me at all. They've maybe helped once in an emergency situation in 13 years. This is compared to the almost daily help they had from their parents.

So it seems that people who have benefited from having a "village" aren't always willing to pass that favour on. Its hugely hypocritical in my opinion!

I was wondering this too. All my female relatives of my parents generation (born in the 50s worked, mostly full time once their youngest were in school. My gran and her friends born in the 20s and 30s mostly worked too once their youngest child was school age. Maybe I don’t come from the right background for this to apply to?

I do agree that there is a lot more pressure on mothers to get shit done, both at work and regarding family life than there ever has been for dads. I think part of that is the pressure we put on ourselves and the judgment we have towards each other or even just perceived judgment.

3 siblings 56 - 65 here. Dad worked fulltime and mam worked partime. We had, and expected, a much simpler lifestyle growing up. No eating out, no take aways, very little paid for entertainment/activities, one caravan holiday a year, much less "stuff". Council housing (affordable and good quality, on 1.5 wages and lower expectations in terms of lifestyle). No help with childcare, at all,despite large extended families.They had their own families, and grandparents weren't expected to do it. No funding for childcare.
Women were trapped financially - many not in what I would call "stable" marriages. Many abusive.
It really wasn't a golden age for women.
There hasn't been a golden age for women.
There is unlikely to be a golden age for women, but avoiding being financially dependent on a man, is crucial, imo.

The village thing is due in part to more mothers working so less time to foster a community, working hours & demands in general, longer commutes & people living further away from their families. Plus everyone neglects to mention all the rules and regulation changes eg parenting is different now vs the past.

Exactly

My mum worked full time from when I was 12 weeks old (minimal mat leave) and I'm almost 60. She and my dad had both moved away from their families to live in London so no village around us. They worked opposite shifts until they organised childcare. I was a latchkey child from 7, walking home from school and letting myself in to wait for my mum getting back from her late shift.

I worked part time when my own kids were young but fulltime from the youngest being in school and they're all in their 20s. Neither of my parents was available for childcare as both worked until they died; my PiL were both dead; no siblings. We built our own village with friends.

There was an interesting article about this in The Atlantic magazine. The writer was a mum of two who had joined a kind of group babysitting set-up where each parent(s) took turns in looking after everyone else’s kids for an evening. The rule was that everyone had to accept the other parents way of doing things. For example, the writer didn’t have a TV and strictly monitored screen time in her house but she had to accept that her kids would watch TV and have more screen access in other houses. On the flip side, she didn’t cook much so all the kids had pasta/shop bought food when they with her whilst other parents who cooked from scratch and never gave their kids ready meals had to agree they wouldn’t comment on her (or any other parents) food choices.

I recall the writing saying that if we want a village to raise our kids, we have to accept the help from people in the village on their terms (obviously excluding dangerous or harmful villagers!) but most parents today are not willing to do this.

I'm a single mum, work full time and do all the domestic stuff plus lawn mowing, window cleaning etc as well. Supporting ds too. It's really not that hard, given I only have one dc.

I have a car, dishwasher, washing machine, vacuum cleaner, freezer, automated heating, shower etc to help me. My dm had 6 dcs and no washing machine, no freezer. A teenage dishwasher who grumbled a lot. She had to bring in solid fuel, she walked 1 mile into town to buy food and then home on the bus. Nothing in her life was fast. My life is an absolute doddle compared to hers (although our standards of cleanliness are much higher). 🤗

We haven't ever had anybody babysit; I haven't put on to anybody, and my dcs are school aged now. Maybe we could have done with a GP baby sitting at least once, but nope. I don't believe in putting on to them, while I see others taking the absolute biscuit. Please do not tar all with the same brush; it is dh, and I that have had to run about after them. Dm I couldn't even turn to after giving birth for advice.

d love to know when this mythical time was! My mum is in her 70s and worked full time with 3 children. I'm in my 50s and work full time and always

More mothers work full time now than the past & more go back to work when the dc are younger.

Then I guess everyone just needs to accept that there is no village anymore. I’m not saying your situation isn’t unfortunate, but everyone seems to have a reason why THEY want the village and will contribute to it but everyone else around them is wrong and are to blame for not being the village. So if that’s the case, then there’s no solution is there. Everyone just needs to accept the village doesn’t exist anymore.

I get your sentiment. I tend to be in awe of those parents who both work full time. We decided for DH to stay home with the kids, he works 2 nights per week and we have childcare on those days (when he's asleep), but he's around to do every pick up and drop off.

To do that though we've had to accept, it's not a drop in living standards as we're doing fine, but not as good as it could be level of living, but I do that in a heartbeat to stop the insane rush of both of us working full time.

But I'm also lucky that I WFH 4 days a week so am around to cook dinner as soon as I finish work, but again that was a choice. I chose a career with options like this.

For what's its worth, my mum worked full time. I was a latch key kid from 7 or 8 and I was always jealous of my friends whose mum was home when they got home. I don't want that for my kids.

I know what you mean OP and I was talking about it with my 81 year old MIL this Christmas. She was a Wren before getting married and having DH and his brother, and never went back to work - although did do a fair amount of volunteering in the community up until recently. They live nearly 4 hours drive away from us, whereas when DH was born my MIL had her mum and her MIL a couple of streets away. None of the mums worked and all met up at each other’s houses or in the church hall for the kids to play. She said she looks back fondly on DH and his brother being small and it being a lovely time. I said I feel like I’ve got multiple full time jobs and I’m not doing any of them to 100% which makes me feel burnt out, constantly guilty and resentful.

I’m the main earner, but DH’s pension is far better than mine so it didn’t make financial sense for either of us to reduce hours or give up work while DD (3.5 now) was/is small - so we pay a fortune in childcare because we have no family help nearby. DH leaves for work at 6am, I take DD to nursery for 8, we are all home by 6, sometimes I still have work to do so by the time that’s all done and DD is in bed, DH and I are eating dinner at 9pm ish which is horrible. DH does more than half the cooking/cleaning etc but we are always behind, the house is always a tip, because there just aren’t enough hours in the day and I feel awful saying to DD on a weekend “sorry miniMouse I can’t play with you right now because I need to clean the bathroom” etc - meaning it’s done when she’s in bed, which comes at the expense of time as a couple. I feel pulled in different directions constantly and I hate it.

My mum also gave up work when I was born, and didn’t go back until I was in my teens (a few mornings a week cleaning, so she was still always at home as far as I was concerned)

Fully agree - same for my grandma. She also worked part time but hadn’t been able to go to university - she did lots of learning from home / classes later in life. My mum worked part time and later when we were at secondary she was full time. Lots of mums I knew worked in my mothers generation, as well as plenty who didn’t have paid work out of the home.

OP another thing is lots of people tend to live further from their families now too. My parents had moved away from family for work so we didn’t have many relatives around for all this “dropping in”. Lots of mutual helping with friends down the road though - we were v lucky and my mum made close friends.

We don’t live near any family at all because of moving away for uni and subsequently for work.

I can see the problems you flag BUT I would not want to “go back” - I want the opportunity to study, work, earn money, develop myself. My DH is part time to support the family logistics. It was not “better” when women had no choice.

When I see posts like this I often wonder what the adult child would report about the grandparents. For example, do those list of "do nots" include not smacking etc. I know my MIL would smack my two if she had the chance. Thankfully most of the country has moved on.