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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

215 replies

loppyloon · 29/12/2025 22:24

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all.

Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second.

His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name.

The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

OP posts:
Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 06:19

@BerriesChocolate 45 would be a young gp now as first time parents are 30 ish. Again you can look up statistics.

Only on MNs would I be simultaneously getting told it’s normal to be a parent at 50 & a gp at 45 😆😆

BobblyBobbleHat · 30/12/2025 06:17

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 06:14

45+ is grandparent age. Old enough to have a child who is in their 20s. Would consider 30s to be a young grandparent.

Show quote history

There isn't a 'grandparent age', different families do things differently. I'd personally consider 45 on the younger side.

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 06:14

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:49

My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age

The average is 60s now.

45+ is grandparent age. Old enough to have a child who is in their 20s. Would consider 30s to be a young grandparent.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:58

@Zanatdy thats great for your nieces but I am talking about how I would feel…

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:57
  • “A 2024 study noted births to fathers aged 50-54 accounted for around 2.4% of births, while those 55-59 were 2.01%, with an even bigger rise in the 60+ bracket.

@NOTANUM how are you defining not unusual?

Zanatdy · 30/12/2025 05:56

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

My nieces are 30 and 25 and didn’t find it weird or grossed out when their dad had a baby with his 2nd wife when he was 48. No it’s not the norm, but many men move on with other relationships (his wife had an affair and left him) and can have other DC. I can understand they might find it a bit odd, but my nieces enjoy having a little brother.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:54

@NOTANUM why would you assume that? Or that a lot of dads are having babies at 50? It isn’t the norm.

NOTANUM · 30/12/2025 05:49

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

I assume you’re young because parents of 41 & 50 is not very unusual these days. It would be much more unusual to be grandparents where I live.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:49

My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age

The average is 60s now.

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 05:44

My parents are together and I’d struggle if they had a child in my early 20s (they would’ve been early 40s). Your step daughter is at an age where she might have a baby soon. She probably feels abandoned as her mum left when she was young and now her dad is playing happy families with a new baby. My parents became grandparents at 50, which is a normal first time grandparent age.

Clockyclockz · 30/12/2025 05:41

I would find it gross if my 50 yr old father was having another baby & feel pushed out. I think that’s very normal.

BobblyBobbleHat · 30/12/2025 05:36

I think it is understandable and she is right to confide in her dad about how she feels. Does he make the effort to go and visit her? Does he do so regularly? I think he needs to also make sure he is putting himself out a bit to be there for her too at the moment. It will be easy for you to take the baby on a plane when it is very young so I would also suggest that you all visit together as soon as you are up to it. You all sound lovely, I'm sure it will work out, but she is bound to be feeling a little sensitive about it all.

SparklyGlitterballs · 30/12/2025 05:35

Has his DD ever had any therapy to deal with possible abandonment issues OP? There could be all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface that haven't been adequately dealt with. Now here comes this new baby who will presumably get the loving mother that she never had, and she's partly losing her dad too.

Your DH needs to ensure he's consistently giving his DD his time and attention, separate from the baby, so that she won't feel abandoned by him. It's lovely that you are so caring and hopefully between the three of you you'll work this out.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 30/12/2025 05:35

loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:52

Yes this is a good point; her mother effectively abandoned her when she was a toddler then drifted in and out of her life for a lot of her childhood, they’ve had no contact since she was about 14 and due to her mother not being from the UK and there not being much contact between her and her mother she hasn’t really been able to establish where she is or if she is well.

Show quote history

I think this has a lot to do with it….. the dream of getting lost in the hospital; she felt lost as a little girl without a mother.

She may be a little jealous - but unaware that is why she feels sad that this baby has a stable home life when she didn’t.

I think she needs therapy to deal with her mother abandoning her - let’s face it who wouldn’t - a new baby has probably opened Pandora’s box in her mind that she thought she had sealed shut.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 05:29

Bleachedjeans · 30/12/2025 05:25

You and DH sound like nice people and I don’t want to sound mean, but the whole baby-naming thing sounds very patronising to a young woman in her 20s. If she were 8 or 9 maybe she would enjoy helping to choose the name but not a grown woman.

I assume people are only suggesting it as she’s expressed anxiety about the name either being one she has in mind for her own future children or something she really dislikes. I’d rather she told us any names she felt passionate about as I don’t really feel passionate about any names yet and would happily leave the names she has in mind for her to use (I’d say it’s different to say my sister or friend asking me to not use certain names as I don’t think cousins sharing a name is odd but can see why when she is maybe already feeling pushed out that us using a name she wants for her own children might make her feel even worse). I’d also like to think I’m not going to pick anything out there enough that it would fall into hate for anyone, but you never know!

OP posts:
StressedoutFTM998 · 30/12/2025 05:29

Tbh if my dad had a baby with someone when I was an adult, I'd assume i was being cast out. We all know what it's like having a baby - it's all consuming. Baby will be cute, demanding, will always be the young baby of the family even in 20 years time. I'd feel upset too.

Bleachedjeans · 30/12/2025 05:25

You and DH sound like nice people and I don’t want to sound mean, but the whole baby-naming thing sounds very patronising to a young woman in her 20s. If she were 8 or 9 maybe she would enjoy helping to choose the name but not a grown woman.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:52

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:49

Also I'm wondering if there is something coming up for her around mothers and mothering.

I'd be considering the circumstances around her not having contact with her mother. What will it be like for her knowing that new baby will be parented by a mum and her own dad? Depending on situation, that could feel devastating.

Yes this is a good point; her mother effectively abandoned her when she was a toddler then drifted in and out of her life for a lot of her childhood, they’ve had no contact since she was about 14 and due to her mother not being from the UK and there not being much contact between her and her mother she hasn’t really been able to establish where she is or if she is well.

OP posts:
DillyDallyingAllDay · 30/12/2025 04:52

Maybe you could suggest if she’s not feeling up to visiting then you’d all go visit her; so you’re trying to be part of her existing life? Also, it’s a massive possibility that she’s an over-thinker and is anxious about the upcoming changes in her dads life etc- if he continues to be supportive, keep in touch and you do the same, without shoving baby related stuff in her face all the time; keeping her difficulties in mind and being sensitive to them; she will come around. Ask dad to ask her how she wants to be informed, would she like a phone call etc; because maybe she doesn’t want to fly out to visit baby now, but once the baby actually arrives, she might change her mind but maybe put a pause on baby related conversations without hiding/denying it’s happening. So she knows her dad is involved, happy etc without making it his whole personality. It might be nice for him to go visit her before baby arrives so they can spend some one on one time and she still feels important to him.

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:49

Also I'm wondering if there is something coming up for her around mothers and mothering.

I'd be considering the circumstances around her not having contact with her mother. What will it be like for her knowing that new baby will be parented by a mum and her own dad? Depending on situation, that could feel devastating.

Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:49

HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:46

Does he usually pay for her flights to cone to visit? If not, that could easily be upsetting, that he'll pay up when it comes to new baby but not if it's "just" her usual visits.

Show quote history

Sometimes he pays sometimes he doesn’t, it varies he tends to pay more so if it’s a family obligation but self driven visits she doesn’t always tell us about far enough in advance to be able to pay. Often she will only tell us once she has everything booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:47

Catladywithoutacat · 30/12/2025 04:45

She’s an adult and needs to grow up

I don’t think that’s a fair response really. Yes she’s an adult but she also had an incredibly traumatic childhood and probably has a lot of mixed feelings about her dad starting a fresh almost with someone new.
I only intend to show her compassion and support, telling her to grow up will only drive her away and that’s not in her, her dads or my best interests.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 30/12/2025 04:46

loppyloon · 30/12/2025 04:39

Just for context her father is 50, I’m 41 and she’s is 25 so we aren’t particularly close in age and she’s never seemed to have an issue with me before.
DH said she seemed really distressed when he said he would let her know when the baby arrives and pay for her flights to come visit and just generally sad.

Does he usually pay for her flights to cone to visit? If not, that could easily be upsetting, that he'll pay up when it comes to new baby but not if it's "just" her usual visits.

Catladywithoutacat · 30/12/2025 04:45

She’s an adult and needs to grow up

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/12/2025 04:42

Vgbeat · 29/12/2025 23:26

Perhaps she is just worried about being left behind. She doesn't live in the country, dad has a new family and she probably feels a bit isolated.

My guess this is EXACTLY the case...

Can your husband reassure her there is enough love to go around..
She will ALWAYS be loved by him... And she'll always hold the place as his precious first born.

Love doesn't dry up or run out! ...

I'd also encourage him to write a letter to her..
Saying all of this so she can always look at it.

She is very much part of your family...
You want her to take part in doing whatever she is happy with (naming is obviously looming large...) and your daughter will love having her as a big sister?

Be really specific... I'd name it..

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