I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

To be fair, it sounds like she’s struggling with mental health problems rather than struggling to grow up. The rest of the OPs description of her makes her sound like she’s a fully fledged adult. Her problems sound like anxiety rather than immaturity.

In the long run, your stepdaughter will benefit greatly in being part of your new family.
Of course, right now she is nervous of the unknown.. of being usurped etc.

Seeing you two parent sincerely will give DSD an example of functional parenting. It will help her when she partners up and starts a family.

Just give it time. Consider her feelings, like you are now.
Have a space in your home that is hers.

Once you get down to three or four names, ask DSD's opinion, yourself - on the phone or in person.

Paying DSD for costs for some trips is generous.

I was with you up until the words ‘it’s her parent that has caused this’. Her parent hasn’t caused anything - unless, of course you’re talking about the mother, who is at the root of her abandonment issues. Her father is simply living his life, and while it’s completely understandable that these issues have come to the surface, it’s not up to OP or her DH to try to solve them. She needs professional help to make sense of what appear to be very complex issues.

OP and her DH are not equipped to deal with these issues, and their role should be support and encouragement, alongside professional input. Apportioning blame isn’t the answer. Showing DD that she still has a place within the changed family dynamic and helping her access therapy is what matters.

I’d say it’s bringing up unresolved issues about her mother abandoning her and feeling replaced by her dad.

Perhaps you can say “we can see this is bringing up hard feelings for you. Would it be helpful if we paid for a free therapy sessions?”

The baby is a hard concept for her now, but hopefully once it’s here and she builds a relationship and sees it in its own right, it might get easier.

Nailed it. I think OP and her DH can help by reassuring her. Explain that even though the baby will change the dynamic somewhat, that doesn’t change the fact that DD is still just as much a part of the family and is loved just as much. The issues which have come to the surface and with which she’s now clearly struggling, need professional support to help her make sense of them, and as you rightly say, she needs to want to help herself.

You sound so caring and brought fun and the poster who said tell her to grow up is ridiculous.

With regards to the names, could you start thinking of some, have a list of ten and say to her theses are under consideration but you don't love any yet so she has veto if that would help her feel more settled and involved?

Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth.

I can only imagine that it must feel strange when you are in your twenties and looking forward to perhaps settling down and having children one day to suddenly discover that your father is going through that life stage instead of you. She would be looking forward to him being a grandfather instead of which he is going through new fatherhood all over again. I think a lot of people might find that somewhat unsettling.

@UsernameMcUsername You make a lot of good points. My adult kids were in a similar position with their dad, the difference being that they didn't even know he was in a relationship. He acted completely dumb founded when they got upset about having a surprise sibling. He made the problem all theirs, and they had to just get over it and started bombarding them with photos of this child when it had been born telling them how important it is for him that they have a relationship and what a blessing having a child is etc. He has backed off now and there is no relationship at all left between my kids and their dad. There were abandonment issues involved in our case too. These things have to be dealt with really sensitively if there is to be a relationship going forward, especially when there is already trauma involved. The blame for the upset should not be placed on the adult child, it's her parent that has caused this.

She's not telling you the names she wants because they don't exist. This is a ruse to object to any baby name you choose. She objects to the baby full stop because she will no longer be her dad's only child.

She is feeling abandoned and left out and this is absolutely normal in her situation. Sadly there is nothing you can do except love and accept her and even then she will still see that as abandonment.

She needs support from a therapist or counsellor and she needs to want to work it out for herself. I'm sorry she is doing this but all you can is support your husband and keep on accepting her.

I think this most definitely an issue.
OP you said she had a traumatic childhood and although dad seems to have been a steadying force in her life that lack of mother, structure in her life will obviously have affected her.
She will be worried about how this will affect her relationship with her dad, but will also see her half sibling having the mother / daughter relationship with you, which she should have had, but never did. Also you re going to be that family unit she never experienced. This is a massive hit on her.

We foster and although kids can get to a point of 'coping' , an absent parent causes feelings of abandonment, they have little self worth, and believe its their fault/ they aren't special enough for the parent to do their expected role. We can roll along quite nicely, then something happens (often minor/no link) and we are derailed again, and we have to build them back up again. Its about them feeling safe and building resilience but that will always be there regardless of how well she appears to be doing.

Can your husband reassure her there is enough love to go around..
She will ALWAYS be loved by him... And she'll always hold the place as his precious first born.
Love doesn't dry up or run out! ...

This is what you say to a five year old and it's disingenuous. Love might not 'dry up' but the dynamics change and actually, it can feel like that's what happened. Babies and young children take a lot of energy and time.

You sound like sensitive, lovely people, OP. I'd say she's struggling with the prospect of a dynamic change and her own history. She probably has abandonment issues from her mother and feels less than, like her dad is replacing what they had with a real family.

I'd go in easy - keep including her in a non-pressured way and try not to be offended by rebuffals. Her dad needs to make sure she knows she's not just loved, but wanted and maintain an interest in her life (it can be easy to swept up in all the baby stuff). Give her time, this is something she'll need to work through on her own and I don't think it can be rushed.

I'm a little surprised you're surprised, if that makes sense. Sorry if that sounds harsh! Your DH is effectively her only parent and the situation with her mother will have massively impacted her ( I speak from experience). I expect the new baby has triggered fears of abandonment and rejection. My strong advice for you and DH is not to 'push' the new baby on her in any way - have zero expectations about how much interest she'll show, accept she may feel very strange about it all etc. And make space for DH to keep up his one to one relationship with her on the same basis as before, maybe even more. Could he fly over on his own to visit her for a few days when the baby is under six months? Don't expect her to fly over to see the baby necessarily. You'll also be massively tempted to focus intensely on the baby and your immediate family unit for that first year, possibly more than you now realise - take a breath and make space for your DH's relationship with his daughter.

Its interesting that you mention her 'intelligence'. It really doesn't have any relevance here! She's being perfectly rational actually, based on her own experience of parental abandonment and the fact that new babies are incredibly absorbing. I feel that she's actually ahead of you two in sensing the potential issues. I'd be wary of offers of counselling - to me that has big 'YOU are the problem here' vibes, whereas actually you two should have been a bit less blindsided by her reaction. I guess I think the 'irrationality' maybe be more on your side. Sorry if that's too blunt, but I'm wary of the sense I'm picking up that you view her as 'irrational'.

She probably thought at 41 and 50’s there was not going to be babies. Now there is a baby coming and it’s also a girl.

Dad’s new family with his replacement daughter.

She may be an adult but she only has one parent and she’s always been an only child. Now she’s feeling internal turmoil and anxious about her place within the family and her dad’s love to her.

Time and love and her still getting that adult time with her dad and not making everything about the new sibling will help and reassure her.

This. She's sad because she's had her dad the same way for 20yrs and now the dynamic's going to radically changed. It's up to you guys now as to whether her fears are realised. He has to prove she's NOT being replaced. I would recommend not shoving it all down her throat.

She's not being difficult, she is trying to sort through her feelings and make sense of them. Some things she says might sound trivial but they are all part of a much bigger picture. There are clearly a lot of childhood trauma there and she hasn't worked through it yet. She is still a very young adult.

I think a new baby announcement often does dredge up difficult feelings in family members - and people are often blindsided by this, because it’s “supposed to be a happy occasion” and often the difficult feelings are around things that have been buried deep and not addressed.

Your partner’s daughter probably is feeling insecure, lonely, worried about her place in the family. There may be feelings of grief and abandonment around mothers and motherhood - and there’s probably some guilt and self-blame as well, because you are clearly a very understanding and emotionally generous person, and she probably wants to be happy for you rather than feeling hollow and resentful. I think you should reassure her - either through your partner if he’s up to it, or in a nice card - that you understand this is a big upheaval for her and that you love her. Give her time and space to process. DP needs to be mindful of her feelings as well and give her plenty of love and reassurance, not making their contact all about the new baby; let her deal with it when she’s ready.

But the name worries aren't logical, they're a rough approximation of the feelings she is having... These could be any combination of: sadness ar losing being her dad's only child, feeling miffed that there will be less time / money / resource coming her way now and in the future, feeling embarrassed at having these feelings as an intelligent mid-20s woman, resentment and grief at her own childhood lost (both in terms of growing up / shit getting real, and the idea of this baby having the stability and mother figure she never had), disappointment that her own kids will be less amazing / adored if her dad is in the parenting trenches himself, boredom at having to talk about this new addition constantly before it's even here, feeling that you've waited 5+ years specifically until she is out of the country to do this behind her back, normal early adulthood self-absorption and taking parents for granted being wobbled, possible fertility / time running out feelings for her (I know she's young but myself and close friends who actively wanted DC describe despairing, even when late teen relationships broke down - "I'll never find anyone" etc.) ...

I totally empathise with her. My mum and dad became foster carers to two girls aged 2 and 3 when I was in my 20s and I felt lots of similar feelings, irrationally and selfishly, because I am a human being. Was I not enough? Loss of the "right" to use the safety net of my parents because they were up to their eyeballs in it. Inability to gain much support with my own young DC (not directly relevant here AS FAR AS YOU KNOW).

You sound like a caring person and I am sure you will find a way to make the set up work. Just be patient with her, she's been through a lot in her childhood. If you can approach it, be open-minded and curious. Don't try and fix it, or minimise her feelings, or offer solutions like she can pick the name (fwiw I think your DH did the classic dad thing of offering a solution re naming, instead of sitting with her in the uncomfortable feelings). Just empathise, and save your "WTF she's being so unreasonable" (which she quite possibly is a bit) for after the conversation, in private, to your own mum / sister / friend / or on here.

You might both be adults but you need to be the grown up here.

Do also remember that this time of the year is loaded too, especially for those with trauma, but it is an odd, navel-gazey, reflective time for many.

You speak of her with such warmth and compassion, I wish you all the best.

I really feel for her. She has finally found some sort of stability and now her dad goes and creates a whole new family that won't include her. It sounds like she has done remarkably well in life considering her traumatic childhood but this has once again upended her life and whether he wants to or not, will take her dad away from her even more than before. She is only in her mid-20s and has had so much to deal with, cut her some slack when it comes to this. They will never have a sibling bond and there will probably always be a bit of resentment from the DD knowing that this child will have a completely different and much better childhood than she was ever given.

My advice would be to hold her lightly through all this. She obviously has some big feelings about it, understandly so. I would keep the lines of communication open in the normal way but tread very lightly in terms of expectations, her involvement with the baby etc. She has to be allowed to feel what she feels about it and you and her Dad need not to take it personally. I feel everything will be ok in the end - you all sound like good and thoughtful people - but she can't be talked into this being a good thing in the short-term. This is very big stuff for your step daughter and my heart goes out to her.

😂😂 some people are fucking nuts! Your reply nails it 😂😂

TBH I think the best thing DD can do is find a psychotherapist who works with dreams, because her recurring dream about being lost in the hospital is a huge one. Almost certainly relating to her own mum and infancy, but triggered by her dad becoming a dad again. You are both obviously concerned about DD but I doubt you'll be able to help her get to the bottom of this. Meanwhile I suggest you acknowledge that visiting the baby might be something she needs to work up to, and you will be delighted to see her whenever she can manage it. And maybe send her a list of 2 or 3 possible names after the birth, and ssk her to choose one?

I’m sympathetic to her but it does sound like she’s trying to be difficult with some of this
“I’m worried you’ll use a name I’d like to use”
”ok well we haven’t picked any names so tell us what you don’t want us to use and we won’t”
”no I won’t tell you.”
It sounds like her dad instantly offered her a solution to the name worries, but she didn’t take it.

Poor girl, I feel for her.

I'd imagine most 20 year old only children would struggle with the idea of becoming a sibling to a baby they are old enough to be mother to. Add to this living in another country from their father while he lives with the new child, and its a lot to get her head round. Seems like she's trying, but her feelings are overspilling.
There isn't much you can do as it's happening and she has to accept it, and no doubt will. Your H will need to make sure he doesn't change anything in his relationship towards her. Keep conversation on her unless she raises the subject of the pregnancy, and when the baby arrives, continue to see her alone for part of her visit.

I think as soon as you’re in control with the baby he should go and visit her alone and show he’s still got all the time for her. Then offer to pay for her to visit when she’s ready, but don’t force it. Make sure baby isn’t taking her place.