I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

I am a long way on from university age but as I was reading the OP I could vividly remember three freinds from back then who had strong reactions to their parents having a new baby with a new partner after they had flown the nest and moved awqay to university.

I think it's really common for adult half-siblings to be affected to some degree. It's lovely in this instance that you and DH both really care for her and want to understand and make things right with his DD. I agree with what others have said about letting her have time, not letting this cloud your own pregnancy, and letting DH and DD spend as much time working through it as needed.

Much love and many good wishers from this random mumsnetter xxxx

It’s a difficult one. She probably feels very confused and conflicted about her feelings. She likely doesn’t really understand why she’s feeling the way she is. She sees herself as an adult, so in her head this shouldn’t bother her, but it does. The dreams and the issue around the name are probably not the root cause, but her trying to process her feelings by attaching these things to them. You can’t fix how she’s feeling because she doesn’t understand it herself. For her, the only way forward is to remove herself from what she sees as the cause; the arrival of the baby.

The only thing you can do is keep the dialogue going and your door open. It may be that when the baby actually arrives and she is able to see her and experience her, that she comes around. The anticipation, the unknown, is often far worse than the reality. At the moment she doesn’t know how she will feel and that’s scary.

You say that her mother isn’t on the scene. Her father is her only constant, her security. A new baby, a girl, this is bringing a lot of uncomfortable and conflicting feelings out for her. She is supposed to be happy, she probably wants to be happy, but she isn’t and that’s what’s making her sad and withdrawn.

Could she be having feelings about how her new sibling will have both mum & dad in their life & she only has dad?

Nope. And I’m not dismissing anything - everyone has a right to their feelings and ‘pouting’ wasn’t referring to OP’s situation, which is complicated and clearly involves trauma. But there are some very self centred reactions expressed, this poster l was replying to being one of them. The adult solution is to try to find a way to make it work, rather than holding a grudge and making life difficult for all concerned. That applies just as much to any adult children as it does to parents in new relationships. You’re right in that in living your life the way you want, you can’t control how others feel about it. The question is, to what extent are others entitled to impose their objections.

She sounds like she had lots of trauma around her mother as a child. Sounds like the situation is bringing all those feelings to the surface for her

She probably feels jealous, as she’s been the only child to her father. She will also feel some disconnect from her dad and the new baby, as he’s forging a new life which doesn’t include her.

Give her some time and space to work through her feelings. Don’t force anything but do make her feel welcome.

Her Dad is building a new life that she is not part of, I'd say its bringing up bad memories for her. Reassure her.

I didn’t get the sense that OP thought DD irrational. I think you’re right in that they were blindsided by her reaction, but OP describes it as out of character which to me, sugests that there was no prior indication that a baby would be a problem. The issues she’s struggling with need professional input - OP and her DH are not equipped to help her sort them out, beyond providing love and support alongside professional therapy. This is a ‘you’ problem in that DD is clearly struggling, but offering help, understanding and loving support is very different from apportioning blame.

I think so too. Also what relationship is she going to have other than the fact they are sisters? They won’t have a bond, grow up together and will be essentially strangers, have nothing in common. I think give her some time.

You haven’t mentioned her having a partner? Perhaps she is thinking of her own biological clock - certainly sounds like it if she has names in mind. We are all different and you don’t know if despite her career, she may just be longing to have her own family.

Just let her be, she will work it out and once your baby is here ask her when she would like to come. TBH taking the time of work and the travel etc to visit a newborn and the tired parents is not ideal, but a visit a little later would be nicer - don’t worry if she doesn’t want to meet her step-sibling straight away. In May June, the weather is nicer and you could all go for nice walks, eat lunch outside etc.

I really don’t think you could handle this any better - just let her come to terms with her feelings in her own time in her own way. Good luck, don’t let this impact on your pregnancy - it’s time to be enjoying the nesting.

I don't think the dad came up with a good solution there - it meant her having to tell him her favourite names, which she wants to keep to herself for now. A better way would have been to say "you help us choose the name" and give her a list of potentials. She could then pick from that without ever having to reveal if there was one on the list that she wanted for herself.

The getting lost in the hospital dream is obvious - she feels once the baby is born, she will be "lost". She doesn't have a functioning mum, and dad now has a new baby.

OP, time is the only thing that will help this - and constantly including her over that time. Dad should make time just for her - not lots of "here's the baby, say hello" calls etc - just calls between him and her, about her.

Eventually she will realise she's not "lost".

Everyone can live their life how they like but they can't control how others feel about it. Dismissing other people's perfectly valid feelings as 'pouting' sounds very much like someone who likes to have it their own way.

If there were no indications of any potential problems, why would OP not expect DD to be happy for them ? They’re married and they’ve been together five years. It’s not like they’ve only jut met and are jumping headlong into a new relationship with a baby on the way.

Very good point about the counselling that I hadn't considered so I retract that suggestion.
Anything that will make her think she is the "problem" should be avoided because, as people are saying, her feelings around this are completely rational and understandable.

I think she feels like she is going to be replaced. She lives abroad, her dad is about to have a new baby, she feels pushed out. One parent has already abandoned her, she's now expecting the remaining one to do the same now he's got a new daughter.

What sort of parent was your DH to her growing up?
A bit of a different experience, but my mum had me young and wasn't exactly a great parent when I was a child (our relationship is okay now as adults tho). When I was about your step-daughters age she took on a caring role for some friends children (long story) and did all the things she'd never bothered doing with me as a kid and genuinely appeared to be interested in them. This was all very different to how she'd been when I was a child. Maybe not super mature but I must admit it was pretty galling to watch her pretend to be mum of the year to these random children when she hadn't really bothered with her own daughter.

A long winded tale - but the point is she may well be feeling that he's about to have a "do over" family and she's not got a place in her family any more.

Good point. The OP and her DH have been together five years and are married, so the opportunity to discuss the possibility of more children beforehand was there. But by the same token, as an adult, DD would have been aware that it was a possibility. I’m wondering if the pregnancy was planned or a surprise, because OP and her DH seem to be blindsided by DD’s reaction, which OP describes as out of character, so there doesn’t seem to have been any prior indication of problems.

You didn't really expect her to be happy about the situation, did you? I'd stop pushing her to come over when the baby is born. It's unreasonable of you to force her to 'celebrate' the event.

@Barnbrack both things can be true but they are not statistically the norm. What about that is hard to understand?

Poor woman. She's probably longed for a sibling most of her life but this isnt going to be a sibling relationship it? I'd have felt the same if my dad got his girlfriend pregnant at 50.

Now she's at the stage of probably looking forward and thinking about having a child of her own in the next 5ish years, her only parent had gone and decided to have one. So he will be in parent stage not grandparents stage of life. I alwasy think it's weird when people have babies when they have adult kids.

I would have thought it’s perfectly normal to be weirded out by your dad having another baby when you’re in your 20s. How can’t you see that OP?

The dad could have perhaps also foreseen that this would bring up all sorts of issues for his daughter and maybe he should have discussed the thought with her before they got pregnant.

The problem is with people who seemingly cope well with traumatic events and move on successfully with their lives, it can catch you unawares IMO.

You don't think this runs a little deeper than that for OPs DSD? She isn't pouting because she isn't getting her way, she is petrified because of past trauma. Her dad is all she's got and he's about to have a new child who will mean as much to him as she does but will require a lot more time and effort for many years to come.

I agree therapy would be a very good idea.

Yes, sorry, I meant it's her mother that has caused it.

The dad could have perhaps also foreseen that this would bring up all sorts of issues for his daughter and maybe he should have discussed the thought with her before they got pregnant. Ultimately it's his and OPs decision of course. I think, as a parent, I would have wanted to know though just how much my decision would have impacted my exisiting child before I decided to go along with it, especially if my child had already gone through so much and was traumatised.

Divorced or bereaved parents have a right to live their lives without the judgement of adult children who feel entitled to have a say in how they do that. Being an adult means finding a way to make it work, not pouting because you can’t have your own way.