I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

Would asking her to be a god mother give her a defined role in the baby’s life?

Yes I agree with you. Therapy taught useful coping strategies, but the pain is still there.

I think the most effective way for the OP and her DH to conceptualise this is that them having a baby has opened the stepdaughter’s wounds, and given that it’s happening now, they’ll need to avoid rubbing salt into them. I think PP’s suggestion of really playing down excitement about and discussion of the new sibling in front of SD is the only way forward. The SD might never feel able to be part of the new family unit without it causing huge distress, in which case the DH will need to separate his relationship with the SD and ensure he makes lots of time to keep the relationship going as it has been up until now, which might mean visiting her on his own. If I was him and there’s enough time before the baby arrives (and the SD wants him to) I would be travelling to see her on my own ASAP. She sounds very fragile.

Or they could take the attitude that she is an adult now and needs to suck it up and accept that things move on, but she can’t just shrug off her childhood trauma and think ‘thank goodness that’s over!’ I think that approach would be very cruel and would possibly cause a permanent rift.

Do you have no empathy or what? Willing to be you’ve never been in this situation yourself as either any party (new partner, parent, adult child) so your opinion is utterly pointless.

It is icky to think about your older dad impregnating a new partner.

It’s unsettling to think about the impact on your relationship with him.

There might be upset that he’s had a baby 20+ years later rather than having a sibling with her mum.

He’s entitled to have a new relationship but having a child could have a significant impact on his existing child.

This is probably the best reply I’ve read. Even if the daughter hasn’t put her finger on it quite herself.

it will be important that her dad still makes time to spend with her without the baby/ half sibling present.

In fairness OP you do sound like a decent person and willing to work around her feelings which is a relief.

I think naming the baby after her would just further cement that she is being replaced.

It’s all a bit Mick Jagger isn’t it.

Anyone who thinks it’s normal must live in a very different world to mine.

I think possibly family therapy is the right way to go providing DD is on board with it - it avoids singling out one person and risking making them feel as though they are the problem - although it sounds as though OP is doing her best to avoid this and be supportive. As you say, a baby will change the dynamic considerably and if DD is already struggling with significant issues which feed into that, everyone needs to be aware and help work through it.

I would add that I don’t think you do get over these things, therapy helps you come to terms with them.

It’s certainly true that you re-experience trauma and childhood unhappiness in cycles as you get older, simply because you’re going through different stages of life.

Perhaps her father can put in a little more effort and reassurance and he would normally do? It is very hard for the SD.

@loppyloon As others have said, she will be afraid she will be pushed out from your family unit and her relationship with her Father will change.

She needs to be reassured that she is still part of the family and her Dad won't love her any less. In my view, your DH shouldn't have suggested that she come over once the baby is here and he would pay for it. In fact, you both need to play down the excitement etc which you naturally feel at the impending arrival of the baby, and continue to play it down after the baby is here ( only when speaking to his daughter, of course).

Expecting her to be equally as happy and excited as the two of you are, would be like rubbing salt into the wounds, given the trauma this girl has had growing up.

IMO you should both, but especially her Dad, not talk about the baby more than is neccessary both now and after the baby is here. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you don't mention the baby at all of course. But keep baby talk to a minimum and have lots of non - baby conversations as you have always done. You both sound very caring people, so hopefully you will be able to show her, that she still is very much part of your family. Don't push her to bond with her sister, want to come over to see her etc. That will be the quickest way to ensure she takes against her new half sibling

Hopefully your step- daughter will come round in her own time

Do you also tell those with mental health problems to pull themselves together ?

When you have trauma related to being abandoned (or in other cases, abused or neglected for example) by a parent, it leaves deep wounds that don’t really heal.

I have a lot of trauma related to my childhood (different root cause to the OP’s SD) and I’ve had years of expensive and very useful therapy to help me with it.
Even at nearly 40, things that trigger the emotions I felt as a child can still render me so distressed that I’m unable to do anything but curl into a ball and sob. Triggers can often include anything that can be perceived as threatening the bond with the ‘safe’ parent because as a child, that relationship is your entire world and the consolation for the other parent being dreadful.

I’m not saying that my experiences are exactly the same as OP’s SD (my parent didn’t abandon me, they stuck around being very unpredictable and abusive) but my point is that childhood trauma doesn’t just disappear when you’re an adult, and triggers can take you right back to feeling like that vulnerable child again. OP’s SD can’t help it. I’ve spent a lot of money and decades of hard work trying to get over it, and even then I can’t fully control my reactions. Trust me, nobody is choosing to be like this, it’s an absolutely awful feeling.

I feel really sorry for the SD, she must be feeling like the rug has been pulled from under her. It’s not the OP’s fault that her mother abandoned her, nor is it her father’s, but I don’t think anyone should be surprised that this has hit her so hard. I don’t think that she’s trying to be difficult over the names thing, I expect that it has nothing to do with names really. She’s aware she’s ‘supposed’ to be happy for her dad and able to cope as an adult woman, and this is the only way she can come up with to try and articulate her feelings to her father that would be acceptable. Because she feels she can’t say ‘I’m very distressed about this and wish it wasn’t happening.’

I mean, the psychology is fairly obvious, she's afraid of being ousted from her dad's affections. Nothing you can really do about it, except be understanding (but there must be a limit), and it's clear that you're trying to be. But she has to wrestle those feelings herself. Name the baby after her? (possibly totally the wrong thing to do 😀🤔)

Where names are concerned, she can't have it both ways! Either she tells you and you avoid using her names, or she doesn't and shuts up about it. In any case, I think the name thing is a red herring. She's been an only child all her life, and now she no longer will be. She won't be the centre of her father's attention any more. There's no reason why she should expect to be, as an adult, but people aren't always reasonable and she can't express her feelings the way a toddler would so she's finding another way to do it. Don't involve her in naming your baby, but give her time and space to come round to the whole idea of having a sibling.

Actions not words (or at least actions as well as words) are the only way through this. Her feelings around abandonment are completely understandable. Her dad needs to make time to go and visit her and spend time together - before the baby’s born, after the baby’s born and on an ongoing basis - it’s not going to be sorted in one conversation and as PP said will likely keep hitting her as your child grows up. It will just magnify what she never had. But if she feels included and loved by your actions it might help her work through it and even feel a connection with her half sibling.

She may have had a miscarriage or abortion. I know she is young but without being her mother and living away from her father something like this may have happened, not known to you and your news has made her sad. Obviously may not be this but I would show compassion, she sounds lost.

Its none of her business, what her father does, just as its none of his business what she does relationship/baby wise.

Grossed out pathetic.

YABU to marry someone with a child (even adult) and not fully expect all sorts of issues.

I don’t struggle with empathy. I’d be in the wrong job if I did! But the baby is on its way and this is one of those situations where people have to make the best. I can totally understand her having mixed feelings on it, but the talk of not wanting to share baby names seems a bit childish to me.
OP, has she undertaken counselling of any sort? Apologies if this has already been covered, but I haven’t read the full thread.

I think her feelings are totally understandable and what’s actually positive is that she has a good enough relationship with her father to tell him what’s going on.

She’s about to have a wildly different family dynamic, she’s an adult, and she has no control over it.

Would some family therapy help? You could all zoom in together?

>>I think this is your answer. She had a traumatic childhood and she's about to watch her dad start again with a baby that (hopefully) will have the loving and stable childhood she should have had.

Yep, all she had growing up, and even now, family wise, was her dad (no stable mum). She managed to get to adulthood accepting the way things were and at least, she thought, she had a unique place in her dad’s life, as his daughter, one thing that had lasted and she could count on. And perhaps she told herself that, at least, someday, when she had her own kids, she could build an intact, normal family unit with her dad as a conventional Grandpa (one whose relationship with young children is one generation removed, with all the traditional indulgences, treats, visits, and stuff, not altered by Dad simultaneously still parenting his own young kid). When you’ve had an odd, partial childhood, fixing things by having conventionality and giving a “normal” family setup to your own kids can be very strong and healing (speaking from experience here).

But that’s being taken away. He will have a new shiny daughter now, who is not only replacing her in the daughter role, but possibly also her own child to be, in the grandchild role.

Dad gets a do-over to give the new daughter all the stuff that the old daughter didn’t get (intact family, decent mom, etc). So many parents find this more interesting and fulfilling than their old kid that reminds them of the previous, less satisfactory family unit. And the old kid is expected to be super excited and about having their life now revolve around the new kid. Dad will be less willing to travel to her sphere now, too, I imagine, and she will be expected to fit into his new life, rather than him being an active part of hers.

Of course she feels sad and anxious at what she may lose.

if all of these thoughts make you angry because - of course it won’t be like that!! …good, because now you know what to do to help her. Be sure it isn’t like this. Consider her childhood and lack of mother, versus your intact family unit being built using the one piece she thought she had as a constant (her dad) and don’t make her feel like she should be grateful to be a bit player in a setup she never got to have.

Perhaps she is annoyed that she’s going to have to share her inheritance with another person, who she probably won’t even know that well or build a relationship with, considering the age gap and living abroad.

I remember my mum and dad suggesting that they’d like another baby, when I was about 18 and my youngest sibling was 14, and even at that age we knew how it would impact us long term (and didn’t want another sibling).

She might have felt more accepting of the op’s presence as eventually, everything that she interprets as her dads would pass to her
regardless. But now it does not. Now she is more of an outsider and less of a priority to boot. Her dad is older and his wife and new family are not.

Not sure you can just make another adult 'get over herself", especially if you want to maintain a relationship. Telling her that seems like a very quick way to deepen the gulf with the step-daughter.

I was going to say the same thing. Her comment about names suggests she may be concerned about the impact of her emotions on others or struggle with others seeing her distress. Watching babies and young children being treated lovingly may stir up some very difficult feelings for her.

Your mother abandoning you as a toddler, after you've developed a strong attachment but before you can understand the rejection, then repeating the loss several times in childhood, then final abandonment at the age when you begin to identify as a woman and no communication to say if she is alive or dead, is probably amongst the most difficult childhood experiences. However, if she's had a stable, loving home with her dad she may have felt that she should be able to deal with this and buried some of her feelings.

Is there enough time before the birth for her dad to visit her on his own, acknowledge the birth is likely to be difficult for her but that's ok, tell her you can both approach this however seems best for her but that you very much want her to get to know her sibling etc

Ffs. Really? Being abandoned by your mum can cast a long shadow on your life. This new pregnancy has probably raised feelings and thoughts that the dd hasn’t had for years.

Do you always struggle with empathy?

At the end of the day, she really just needs to get over herself.