Page 3 | I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

loppyloon · 2025-12-29T22:24:43+00:00

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he’s a bit older than I am, and he has a daughter who’s in her 20s. She doesn’t live in the uk, but they are close and her mum isn’t on the scene at all. Im 6 months pregnant with a little girl, this will be my first child and his second. His daughter is over visiting for the new year, he went out alone with her today and when he got back he seemed deflated. I asked if everything was okay and he said it was just tough convos. I asked more and he said she seemed quite upset, asserted over and over she isn’t going to fly over and visit us when the baby is born, not because she is mad but she keeps having dreams where she gets lost in the hospital when I’m in labour. He also told me she seemed sad and not herself. This is the first time we’ve seen her since announcing. He also said she kept reasserting this fear that we were going to use a name she either loved and wanted to use herself one day or hated. She said she couldn’t explain why it’s upsetting her so much but it’s always on her mind. He asked what names she wanted to save for her own children as we haven’t picked one yet, but she said she didn’t want to share as she didn’t want to be the reason we don’t use the name. The behaviour seems out of character, she’s incredibly intelligent studied philosophy and theology at undergrad, literature at post grad and is now working in translation services and very happy by most accounts in her life. AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

Rosscameasdoody · 31/12/2025 13:08

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 11:38

Everyone is ‘allowed’ to have feelings and emotions it’s the way she’s spat her dummy out the pram and said “well I’m not coming to visit when they babies born”.

Also the whole “what if you pick a name I want” but then won’t tell her Dad the names she wants. How immature and petty.

It’s the sort of reaction you would expect from a toddler not an adult.

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Agree with this. Of course DD is allowed her feelings and the space and support to process to process them, but she’s an adult and should behave like one. Adults look to find a way forward rather than making situations more difficult than they need to be. And the naming thing is manipulative.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 31/12/2025 11:46

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 11:38

Everyone is ‘allowed’ to have feelings and emotions it’s the way she’s spat her dummy out the pram and said “well I’m not coming to visit when they babies born”.

Also the whole “what if you pick a name I want” but then won’t tell her Dad the names she wants. How immature and petty.

It’s the sort of reaction you would expect from a toddler not an adult.

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We’ve only got that information third hand so we don’t know if that’s exactly what was said. However, she’s entitled to feel how she does.
She might not want to visit because she’s not excited, I wasn’t when my sister was born. I was embarrassed tbh.

We also see the name thing on here all the time between families. That’s not unusual. As an adult you don’t think you’ll be having this conversation with a parent!!

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 11:38

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 31/12/2025 10:49

Are adults not allowed to have complex feelings about a situation?
I was 21 when my dad and his new wife had a baby. It was strange and I found it challenging at times.
It was odd seeing my dad be a better parent to my sister than he ever was to me. It was strange having a sibling which everyone assumed was my child. On more than one occasion people assumed my dad was my husband and my sister was our joint child - those moments were embarrassing.

My own child is closer in age to my sister than I am which is an odd dynamic.

Although I was an adult I still found the situation elicited complex feelings and emotions.

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Everyone is ‘allowed’ to have feelings and emotions it’s the way she’s spat her dummy out the pram and said “well I’m not coming to visit when they babies born”.

Also the whole “what if you pick a name I want” but then won’t tell her Dad the names she wants. How immature and petty.

It’s the sort of reaction you would expect from a toddler not an adult.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 31/12/2025 10:49

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 00:22

Totally agree.

The poor little adult woman….

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Are adults not allowed to have complex feelings about a situation?
I was 21 when my dad and his new wife had a baby. It was strange and I found it challenging at times.
It was odd seeing my dad be a better parent to my sister than he ever was to me. It was strange having a sibling which everyone assumed was my child. On more than one occasion people assumed my dad was my husband and my sister was our joint child - those moments were embarrassing.

My own child is closer in age to my sister than I am which is an odd dynamic.

Although I was an adult I still found the situation elicited complex feelings and emotions.

Octofluffs · 31/12/2025 07:03

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 00:22

Totally agree.

The poor little adult woman….

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So adults never need support or find it emotionally tricky to navigate some things? Id argue being an adult and having your 50 year old father have a baby is probably harder than if she was still a child and was to have a half sibling.

PixieTales · 31/12/2025 00:22

Catladywithoutacat · 30/12/2025 04:45

She’s an adult and needs to grow up

Totally agree.

The poor little adult woman….

Wisperley · 30/12/2025 22:26

Netcurtainnelly · 30/12/2025 11:32

Its none of her business, what her father does, just as its none of his business what she does relationship/baby wise.

Grossed out pathetic.

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None of her business what her father does? He's literally giving her a new half-sibling who will be in her life until she dies. Not her business??! What about the poor little half-sibling who will no doubt hero worship her older half-sibling (because kids do) - is the older sibling none of the younger sibling's business? Are they just strangers, the children and their father? Very odd attitude.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/12/2025 19:13

Missey85 · 30/12/2025 16:34

God she's a grown woman not a baby she can either grow the hell up or be a sooky baby 😊 it's not your problem it's hers 💕

I‘m guess you’ve never been in this situation? It can bring up some complicated feelings even if logically you know you should be an adult about it.

cloudtreecarpet · 30/12/2025 18:58

Miniaturemom · 30/12/2025 17:03

The people posting saying that she’s an adult and her reaction is illogical/ she’s being difficult are not really imagining how it would actually feel to be her. Personally I wasn’t a real grown up at 20. I try really hard to be considerate and rational but would have no control over how totally crushed I’d feel in her shoes. Then I’d feel guilty about how bad I felt. This won’t go away either as she’ll see her sister have the childhood she didn’t. All you can do is give her time and try to find the right balance between making her feel involved and not overdoing it with baby related information. Her dad probably needs to take the lead on this and set aside plenty of time to go see her alone.

Or perhaps they are the women who have had a second family with an older bloke themselves so have that "get over it" attitude

Miniaturemom · 30/12/2025 17:03

The people posting saying that she’s an adult and her reaction is illogical/ she’s being difficult are not really imagining how it would actually feel to be her. Personally I wasn’t a real grown up at 20. I try really hard to be considerate and rational but would have no control over how totally crushed I’d feel in her shoes. Then I’d feel guilty about how bad I felt. This won’t go away either as she’ll see her sister have the childhood she didn’t. All you can do is give her time and try to find the right balance between making her feel involved and not overdoing it with baby related information. Her dad probably needs to take the lead on this and set aside plenty of time to go see her alone.

Missey85 · 30/12/2025 16:34

God she's a grown woman not a baby she can either grow the hell up or be a sooky baby 😊 it's not your problem it's hers 💕

SuperDuperFragilistic · 30/12/2025 16:23

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/12/2025 14:55

I’ve been the adult child in this situation and quite frankly it’s weird seeing your dad start again with a new family in this way.
It’s very disconcerting and as an adult you know that the dynamic of the family is about to change dramatically.

I have too. It was pretty crap in many ways. My kids and his new kids are the same ages. Everyone kept assuming they were cousins which is just a weird feeling as then me and my dad are brother and sister.

He had way more money than when me and my original siblings were children and would weirdly show off about what he was giving his new children and expect us to be pleased? e.g. my kids would say how great it was seeing the elephants at Chester with me and rather than just listen and say how great that was for them, he'd tell them how he'd taken his new kids to Thailand to actually ride on elephants.

I don't have much relationship with his children. I am not horrible or anything but certainly they are not my siblings in my mind. I know they are technically but not emotionally.

I can feel all these things at the same time as knowing he had a perfect right to do it, that I am an adult who should "get over it", every baby is a blessing, etc.

BerriesChocolate · 30/12/2025 15:00

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 30/12/2025 08:27

Hell, you're not even 'geriatric pregnancy' age in your early 30s. Grandparents in 30s is more Daily Mail fodder!

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Obviously 30s is incredibly young as it means teen pregnancies. 40s isn’t young to be a grandparent.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/12/2025 14:55

I’ve been the adult child in this situation and quite frankly it’s weird seeing your dad start again with a new family in this way.
It’s very disconcerting and as an adult you know that the dynamic of the family is about to change dramatically.

BettysRoasties · 30/12/2025 14:53

Netcurtainnelly · 30/12/2025 14:47

Its not about her.
Her father's having another child get over it.

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In a way she not actually making it about her. She doesn’t want to actually meet the baby for a while it would appear.

The rest is because they tried to talk about the new baby. Dad brought it up.

Ops husband has just had the realisation that his idea of his now new bigger happy family isn’t going to be that. He overlooked his daughter’s childhood trauma and adult fears of loosing another parent.

Now it’s oh shit and she’s avoiding the baby once it’s here as much as she can.

She’s not demanding he pick her or the baby or that she must pick it name. She just doesn’t want to see it and likely doesn’t want to hear about it really.

Though she probably does wish this baby wasn’t going to exist. She can’t say that though as that would destroy her father.

Lucky for her she’s lives in another country and can just never visit if she doesn’t want to.

Netcurtainnelly · 30/12/2025 14:47

Jinglejells · 30/12/2025 10:19

I think so too. Also what relationship is she going to have other than the fact they are sisters? They won’t have a bond, grow up together and will be essentially strangers, have nothing in common. I think give her some time.

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Its not about her.
Her father's having another child get over it.

sausagedog2000 · 30/12/2025 14:45

I’m sorry but some of the replies are ridiculous. The woman lives in another country for gods sake! Tip-toeing around and getting ‘permission’ for baby names. Absolutely ludicrous! Enjoy your pregnancy and baby OP. You’re not responsible for his adult daughter’s reaction.

sausagedog2000 · 30/12/2025 14:44

Octavia64 · 30/12/2025 08:29

My exH who is 50 now has a 1 year old and a newborn with his new wife.

our children together are 24 (I had twins).

his new family has very clearly replaced his adult children and he no longer has any time at all for them (not that he ever had much).

They are sad. They’d always hoped he would engage with them and he’s chosen to replace them instead.

he’s tried to get them to babysit their new half brothers and all sorts of things.

I’m thinking that your opinion of your ExH had something to do with their negative reaction towards the new child.

Shutupanddance1 · 30/12/2025 13:42

‘‘Twas in a similar position in that my DD1 is 3 years older than my half sibling. I don’t have a relationship with them cos I’m a grown up with my own life, husband, house and my own kids. I would let her work through her feelings but don’t expect her to drop everything in her life because of the baby. Also you sound lovely caring about how she feels so I’m sure it will work out x

IAmKerplunk · 30/12/2025 13:07

undercovermarsupial · 30/12/2025 12:59

Furthermore, I think he needs to make it clear to her that her NOT being ok with it all is valid, and that she can tell him how she really feels without him rejecting her- and then be prepared for her to say things that are difficult for him to hear and support her through whatever comes up. The name issue, and possibly even the dream, sounds like a smokescreen to me. She’s not saying why she finds the thought of visiting you both with the new baby so difficult because she fears displeasing him and losing him too after already losing her mum. She’s aware that she’s an adult and ‘meant’ to be able to cope, so it possibly feels too shameful and risky to tell her father the real reason. She’ll likely need her dad to give her permission to open up by acknowledging that the whole situation may well feel very distressing to her, and that he understands and is there to help.

This. 100 times this.

Poodleville · 30/12/2025 13:04

It sounds like at the very least she has fears about bring displaced (lost in the hospital, her baby's name taken from her) and fears feelings of resentment (hating the baby's name) and that a lot of sadness is coming up for her.

And not to mention that her relationship with her mother is so fractured.

But she hasn't articulated this, just communicated her anxieties about the dream and naming, which is the more worrying part I think.

Could one of you wonder aloud with her if the baby on the way is bringing up worries about how her relationship with dad will be effected? And maybe more things from the past?

She sounds capable but it might be more of a caring gesture to offer to pay for some counselling sessions rather than the flight right now, and empathise that it might be a challenging time for her. If father offered to join her in family therapy it might reassure her that he is still with her in all of this.

Shelby2010 · 30/12/2025 13:01

I don’t think there is an easy fix for this, but an age gap between a siblings of first and second families isn’t as uncommon as some posters seem to think.

The 2 things I would suggest:

You decide on names for the baby sooner rather than later, so she can come to terms with that aspect before the baby arrives.
DH flies out to spend some time with her before the baby arrives - but before you get too near your due date!

I don’t think flying out with a newborn to visit her is a good idea at all. Firstly OP will be a new mum who needs all the care & support - and the comfort of her own home. Secondly DSD may well feel invaded and unhappy with the idea.

At the end of the day, DSD is an adult and may just need time to get her head round the idea.

DamsonGoldfinch · 30/12/2025 13:00

Frostynoman · 30/12/2025 12:43

Would asking her to be a god mother give her a defined role in the baby’s life?

She’s her sister. She already has a defined role.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/12/2025 13:00

Jamesblonde2 · 30/12/2025 12:17

It’s all a bit Mick Jagger isn’t it.

Anyone who thinks it’s normal must live in a very different world to mine.

Are there no mental health issues in your world ? Must be lovely.

undercovermarsupial · 30/12/2025 12:59

Furthermore, I think he needs to make it clear to her that her NOT being ok with it all is valid, and that she can tell him how she really feels without him rejecting her- and then be prepared for her to say things that are difficult for him to hear and support her through whatever comes up. The name issue, and possibly even the dream, sounds like a smokescreen to me. She’s not saying why she finds the thought of visiting you both with the new baby so difficult because she fears displeasing him and losing him too after already losing her mum. She’s aware that she’s an adult and ‘meant’ to be able to cope, so it possibly feels too shameful and risky to tell her father the real reason. She’ll likely need her dad to give her permission to open up by acknowledging that the whole situation may well feel very distressing to her, and that he understands and is there to help.