I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

No advice but just wanted to say you sound incredibly kind and caring and she's lucky to have such an understanding stepmum in her life especially at a time when many would just be baby focused.

You and your husband seem to be thoughtful and caring. She's going through a period of adjustment in her position in her father's life - one she probably least expected. All you can do is keep her involved within the family. If she seems reluctant to visit maybe you could visit with the baby when he/she is a few months old. Babies can melt hearts as most of us know.

Fast forward a few decades and the baby is still a baby! Now heading for almost double the age my DH was when his family broke up, he continues to be wholly supported by parental funds. And then there’s inheritance-
all went to second family including money and personal articles from a grandparent the second family had never known or met.

Your poor DH.

This situation is the basis of many a nineteenth century novel - think Sense and Sensibility for a start.

My parents split when I was in my mid-30s. My father had a series of relationships (of a sort) with women scarcely older than me. He started talking about how if he had another family (yes, he used that phrase), he'd do it differently. I'm one of 6 children. I did rather feel that he was saying we weren't enough. He's already had 6 children - lots of opportunities to be a good father. Weren't we enough for him?

I don't see much of him nowadays .,..

From what I have experienced of second families, she is right to feel worried!

My view at the start as a DIL observing the situation with my DH and his DF, was that it was lovely that there was more family and his DF got another shot at family life. I realised later that we were there as the supporting act, existing only when we were useful to the new child. Visits centred around the baby/toddler needs with no pass for the FIL to spend time alone with his first family adult children or even have a conversation uninterrupted by the child’s wants and needs. When school rolled around we were told we could only visit when it was school holidays as the new child always needed to be there. This was hard as air fares were involved which were already expensive and were even more so during school holidays. The young child was always the priority and enjoyed a life of luxury and attention that was unknown to the first family as during their childhoods a family business was being built that was all consuming but not yet paying huge amounts.

Fast forward a few decades and the baby is still a baby! Now heading for almost double the age my DH was when his family broke up, he continues to be wholly supported by parental funds. And then there’s inheritance-
all went to second family including money and personal articles from a grandparent the second family had never known or met.

So yes, it can go badly and perhaps the daughter has more foresight than I did. Someone said there is plenty of love to go around and it multiplies not divides. Maybe but time and attention definitely don’t. Nor did the inheritance!

If my 50 year old dad was having a baby then yeah I’d feel pretty off about it too

her reaction can’t be that surprising. Her father is having a baby when the natural life stage would be for him to move to the grandparent role.

She may be mentioning things like names, but she is probably really upset about the fact that it is her generation’s time to have children and her father is messing with that.

There is nothing you can do here. She is going to have to come to terms with the reality of her extended family. She is going to have a sibling that could be her own child. That is odd. Really, really odd. Just give her time.

i know she’s an adult but she’s always been an only child. As an only child myself I can understand that despite her being older it’s still a big change for her. She is clearly trying to process but is also worried about the impact on her world. Because she’s older I’m sure she will come around but having never had a sibling she’s probably feeling very uncertain.

Her anxiety makes sense in the context of her childhood, and interestingly she’s experiencing the same kind of feelings as children do with new siblings.

I would try to include her in naming and send her a list of options to check her favourites aren’t on there. If she feels respected and heard she might feel less anxious.

I don't think the girl would be happy starting therapy suggested by her step Mum !

so refreshing to hear someone expressing genuine concern for a step child, well done OP. She is bound to be anxious, its a change in family dynamic but i'm sure your love and assurance will help the situation

Ask if she would be willing to come for the birth or just after (realise there can be a 10 day plus or minus difference either side of expected birth date) and, if she would like to name the baby for you both maybe given you do not have any preference at this point in time yourselves.

Not sure I’m included in those you think are unreasonable but blended families only work if all parties are willing to try and are nice people.

I have always got on well with my dad and while it was a shock to get a new sibling at 21 I worked hard to be involved. I babysat, made the effort to spend holidays and important days with my sister but the fact was we had (and still do) have an aunt/niece type of relationship. She’s an adult now and we see each other at birthdays and Christmas but we’re not super close. But I’m 21 years older than her!

What made it super difficult was her mum’s utter hatred of me. She put as many barriers in place as she could to me having any type of relationship with my sister and it’s only due to my perseverance that we have a relationship at all. She would have preferred it if me and my brother didn’t exist.

Let’s be honest, nobody at 25 wants a new sibling, and having a new baby at 50 is very old.

he’s just going to have to be consistent and prove over time that this won’t change their relationship.

She is probably absolutely horrified that her DF is having a second child when she is in her 20s, that is a huge age gap. But too polite to say so.

Op. My df left my mum for a lover who he got pregnant. He 55 she 45 and she had three kids in their 20s and I was an only child and 25.

different circumstances to you but latterly was non contact with half sister. Hence banned from their house. Latterly df is in care home for dementia so I do visit him now.

I had a sister 25 years younger than me with different mother. I felt more like a kindly aunt really. It was she who started making trouble with all her siblings as wanted parents to herself and they let it happen. I just felt I’d go and visit and make their complete family happy and return home to my fractured one.

just ensure she’s part of the family and if possible have a room permanently for her with her things in it.

congrats on your good news and you should pick the name with your dh.

You & DH just needs to be sympathetic and supportive and understanding but allow to work through all her emotions surrounding it at her own pace.

Once the baby is here she may feel differently and less out of sorts than the anticipation of it.

That is lovely! So good to hear a blended family that ends up ok and loving. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas together! Fingers crossed the op will be like your DSM and not like some of the posters on this thread.

I felt this way when my DSM had a baby and I was late teens. She was incredibly compassionate, kind and lovely. I have an auntie type role with my baby brother and love them dearly. But I also felt unbelievably jealous and abandoned (and ashamed about feeling this way). Honestly I think they are normal feelings. My DSM may have felt hurt but she never, ever expressed that and allowed me to feel whatever I felt. But told me over and over (and over!) how irreplaceable I was. As you can probably tell her response took our relationship from friendly to one of deep love for her and my brother. But it was a longish road.
This is thirty five years ago now and we just had a lovely Christmas hosting my DSM and DF and DB plus kids. There are long term gains!

MN itself is awash with people who are still dealing with issues well into their adulthood.

Every MiL thread, for starters.

AIBU to be worried about her not coping? What can we do?

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

To answer your question - you have only ever known your husband’s daughter as an adult, therefore you are unreasonable to be worried about her coping. There is nothing you can do, she is an adult and will need to figure it out for herself.

You are not responsible for what she experienced as a child and her subsequent reaction to your pregnancy. It’s unfair for you to be expected to take on any of the responsibility.

You need to focus on your baby, not on the complicated emotions of a woman in her 20s, who is living her own life in another country.

Some of the suggestions on this thread (allowing her to pick out a name) are really bizzare. I don’t know when infantalising adults became the norm, but it’s really not helpful, or healthy.

She may or may not come round. Make peace with either outcome and don’t allow this to overshadow the arrival of your little one.

Interesting.
I am sure there are many therapists who could tell you about the hoards of adult clients they have who are still affected by the actions of their parents...

MN itself is awash with people who are still dealing with issues well into their adulthood. For many it's when they begin to have their own children and then question the parenting they have received.

The OP's feelings are completely valid and she doesn't need "to grow up" but she does need to explore & express her feelings & find a way forward.

The age difference will mean they won’t have a typical sibling relationship. At best it will feel like auntie/niece or cousin. And given they don’t even live in the same country the chances of them being close is pretty remote anyway.
They won’t have shared childhood memories or the family dynamic that comes with living together as siblings.
That’s a fact.

Her relationship with her dad will change too as he enters into life with a newborn. She can probably already feel it shifting and it takes some getting used to.

Yes, her dad has remarried and from the outside it might seem obvious that they’ll have children but they doesn’t make it any less strange for the adult children involved.

Her dad is 50. Hardly young.
My dad was in his 40’s with two grown up children when he had another baby. It was a still a surprise as we’d all assumed he’d done the ‘family thing’ and wouldn’t want to start again. We were obviously wrong for thinking that but you don’t grow up thinking your parents will start again once you’ve become an adult.

The name thing is a little odd but I have real sympathy for her having lived through a similar experience. Your thoughts and behaviour aren’t always logical in a situation like this, even as an adult.

It’s weird and it’s going to completely change the family dynamic. She doesn’t have to be happy and excited about it and it will probably take a while to get used to. She deserves a bit of slack imo.

I‘ve never come across the naming thing where the adult DD has a particular name choice that she would like her parent to avoid, but wont tell them what it is. That’s manipulative and designed to cause difficulties. And as an adult with a relatively young bereaved or divorced parent, why would you not expect to have this conversation - maybe that’s part of the problem.

I find this attitude really strange. Her father has remarried and the relationship is long term and stable. His wife (OP) is of child bearing age so it’s not rocket science to anticipate that a new baby would arrive on the scene. Are divorced/bereaved parents not allowed to move on unless it’s with the approval of their offspring ? And since DD has expressed the wish to stay away from her father and OP once the baby is born the siblings will very likely will be strangers - that will be down to DD, no-one else.