I’m worried DHs daughter isn’t handling us having a child well

Could you ask her to be a godparent?

This would just signal that this is attempt two for a better family.

If you read the OP, the daughter never had a mother in her life growing up.

I think that plays a much bigger part than the time honoured 'make out single children are spoilt' lazy syndrome narrow-minded people have on here.

Hah! Yes, selective memory is also a feature of second time parents! I bet they would deny telling you to go get a job and not remember whether you got a housing deposit or not. In my partner’s case there is no recollection of the terrible school he attended and some
of the awful things that happened there. His half sibling was, of course, privately educated, supported through multiple degrees and can trump the deposit with a whole house gifted!

Material things aside, the biggest impact was on time and attention. Years of never having a complete conversation as the new baby’s needs are great, takes a toll on relationships. As an observer, I do see the positives for the father; his life was a lot fuller and happier with a second family into old age than it would have been alone. Unfortunately, the sacrifice was his first family. I think if people can be realistic about how things may pan out, none of this bonding over baby names nonsense, the situation can be managed better. Eyes need to be wide open; they seldom are.

Agreed. It did sting a little to see my sister being bought cars and horses and being told she has a house deposit waiting when my dad stopped all financial support when I turned 18 and I was told to ‘get off my backside and get a job’.
I had a job btw but I was also at uni so unable to work full time.

That specifically carved out 1:1 time is so important particularly when her dad will be busy with a newborn. We all know how time consuming that can be! Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t want to spend time with your parents.

Similar to what I reported! These situations can turn bad either quickly (as in this case) or overtime as the novelty wears off. Many scenarios involve less than perfect first family situations and behaviours so it can be galling to see the parent doing better second time round, probably with no acknowledgement of the challenges the adult of the first family faced as a child.

all these suggestions of ‘involving’ the adult miss the point totally. The child of the first family is already being cast in a supporting role, existing only in relation to the baby. The best advice is to commit to keeping time
and space for 1:1 father and daughter in the future and actually deliver on that. Also, think about estate and wills. First families (paternal) often find themselves cut out as the ‘baby’ and second family are prioritised, with the ‘baby’ in adulthood inheriting via the mother.

It might be normal in your social circle but that doesn’t make it normal for everyone.
And everyone reacts differently, we’re not robots we’re humans with complex feelings.

At 21 I was not excited to be getting a baby sister. I was a bit mortified if I’m honest. I also had to come to terms with how it changed the family dynamics. My dad was suddenly knee deep in newborn life and had much less time for his older children (this was particularly difficult when my mum died suddenly and tragically and he couldn’t be with us because he had no childcare for my toddler sister).
My child is much closer in age to my sister and my dad found it difficult to get into the grandad role because he was parenting a challenging tween.

I love my sister and I did the whole babysitting thing when she was young but we don’t have a sibling relationship. We have no shared memories of living together or of childhood holidays or Christmas. My relationship with my dad suffered because he had to devote his time to raising a young child so he was mainly absent in my 20’s and 30’s.

It’s a situation that can elicit complex emotions and that’s okay. Having lived through the experience I have a lot of empathy towards her.

Perhaps the people you know didn't have traumatic childhoods and suffer from abandonment issues. It's not a question about maturity, it's a question about feeling safe.

Many people I know have had baby siblings in their 20s, they have been excited hands on, some at the birth in the delivery room if its their mom giving birth etc- but all of then have also their own lives, boyfriends,husbands,pregnant or have kids themselves, so they dont have time or interest to depress over not being nr1 and only child to their dad. OPs 20yr might be suffering from a single child syndrome hence why the immature reaction and shock about a (half) sibling arriving

It was also strange for my sister as she felt pressure to follow in my footsteps rather than find her own path. Didn’t help that she was the double of me to the point her own grandparents (on her mum’s side) often thought my baby /toddler pictures were pictures of her.

It’s not necessarily jealousy in the way you’re describing. It’s a strange situation and she’s allowed to have complex feelings about it. Having a newborn sibling when you’re in your 20’s is an odd situation.

Yea, I think it just cements the feeling of being replaced. She has to get used to the idea that her dad will now have a new family and not even her name is going to be her own anymore.

I thought the post was going to be wbout 10yr being jealous- shes 20 and jealous of someone else getting her fathers attention? Does she not have a life with a boyfriend of her own- she could be a mother to 2 children and not act like one. You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby not worry about 20yo sulking

No, just people who’ve lived this particular experience and understand the complex feelings that can arise as a result.

I know this is MN where any type of emotion is frowned upon but in the real world people react to situations which make them feel uncomfortable. Your 50 year old dad having a baby IS a strange situation and it might take his daughter a while to adjust.

My dad did this. I found it weird tbh.

The poor daughter. I wonder if she is feeling this way because she knows her sister will have a mother in her life and she didn't. I wonder if there is that pang of jealousy of her future sister being better off and having that mother-daughter relationship with you that she never had.

Would her name work as a middle name for the baby? Might be a way for her to feel connected

Wow.

So many excuses on here for an adult person to behave like a petulant child brat.

I would try and involve her as much as you can, and don’t leave it all to dh. It will be wonderful for your little one to have her on side in the future. Can you visit her on your own? Talk about how you’re feeling, how great her dad is, how you want things to be going forward, reassure her of her place in everything . Ask her what she would like you to call the baby, come up with something together middle names etc.

Exactly this. At 25 any child who has followed a route in higher education may be one or two years into a job, paying high rent and really just trying to get established in life. We don’t know how much an air fare is for the daughter. Even if she can pay, if my experience is anything to go by, the first years you are lucky to get a conversation as babies have a lot of needs.

My step mother in law was very vocal
on the point of ‘you are adults’ and she even said once ‘you have had your turn’. As I said up thread, oddly this doesn’t apply to her own child who age 30+ is still living exclusively on the bank of Mum and Dad.

Have you considered that she may have been pregnant herself and due to circumstances, had an abortion or miscarriage? That could explain her over concern about baby names.

This post is ridiculous. How many 25yos have travel paid for by their parents? Millions, every year. Parents have been giving their young adult children - and not so young, if needed - forever. Travel, childcare, house deposits, support for extra qualifications, a handout when things go wrong. That’s what families do, to the best of their ability. I would help my adult kids a lot more if I could afford to; I do what I can. They would do the same for me in a heartbeat.

There is a small but vocal minority on MN who are weirdly invested in portraying adult children, and especially stepchildren, as spoiled, mollycoddled, weak and selfish for having perfectly normal needs and feelings, or for wanting love, commitment and loyalty from their parents. There is no evidence whatsoever that this young woman’s insecurity and upset has anything to do with money. Her family is changing, her father has a shiny new family and her upbringing has been unstable and difficult. It doesn’t take more than a modicum of empathy to understand why she might be feeling distressed and unable to celebrate the happy news.

Personally I think she’s been molly coddled her whole life - she is well into being an adult!! She’s jealous and worried that daddy isn’t going to treat her the same as he does now - what 25 year old has travel paid for them by their parent to go and visit them?!?! I’d personally tell her to grow up and act her age and go get some counselling if she really thinks all this crap! No 25 year old I know would even admit to thinking these thoughts let alone come out and say them!! Shows just how much she’s been babied and spoilt as the only child

Is she unwell?

I haven’t read the whole thread only OP posts but wanted to say my DH felt this way when one of his parents had a baby when he was around 19/20 (parents had him young) he was saying terrible things like he will never warm to the baby etc

but that was 15 years ago and when the baby was born he instantly felt so much better

i think it was just the change and it brought up a lot of mixed feelings from his own childhood , his parents relationship and divorce etc but it was more apprehension and everything was fine when baby arrived x