To unbooked this holiday?

Was she grateful/thanked you when you told her about the holiday?

You tried, yet again, to connect with her. In my opinion you have choices: Cancel the trip (tell her you did try to have a conversation about it); Cancel your own part of the trip; Cancel the trip for her and take someone else; Carry on with the trip and keep apart from them as much as possible.

Whatever you choose to do it is a difficult situation and you are unlikely to be content with any of these scenarios.

This.

Nothing significant has changed since you bought the gift. This is your lesson to learn - you can’t buy love. By all means don’t go yourself but you would BU to cancel now. A gift is something freely given - you can’t put invisible caveats on it.

You gave the gift, don't take it back.

Learn from your mistakes and have nothing more to do with her after the holiday. Accept that she has issues and cannot be the mother you'd like or need.

So you shouldn’t have gifted the holiday in the first place….very twattish thing to do to cancel it 🙄

I would absolutely say that there has been a problem with the booking!! Enjoy your special place on your own.

Comment removed because the conversation has moved on, apologies.

I don't think you can withdraw a gift completely. I do think if you can change it without losing money then you should. Take yourself off the booking and slim the trip down or reduce costs in some other way, so that they have the gift you bought them without you exposing yourself to the ordeal of going with them and paying for the privilege.

I disagree with taking back a gift once you’ve given it. You’ve technically given her the gift already though she hasn’t used it. It’s like giving somebody a gift voucher and then taking it back because you’ve fallen out and they haven’t spent it!

Please don’t take them to your special place. Take a friend, or go alone. She doesn’t deserve your special place (where is it?).

Get them an afternoon tea or something instead.

I don't think the question is whether you should cancel the holiday but why you are so desperate for validation from her. Do not go on a holiday with her. Let her go away on the holiday and think of it as a grand gesture from you. And, get therapy for yourself.

I think cancelling the holiday is going to cause a whole heap of drama and upset. So unless you're up for that, dont.
You chose to give the gift in full knowledge of your mums flaws and your history, and I think you need to acknowledge that was your mistake, and have a think about why you made it, so you don't do so again.
What you shouldnt do is use the withdrawal of the holiday as a punishment to bring your mum into line. It won't work. It will just heap more problems onto an already difficult situation.
Tell them you won't be joining them as things haven't felt very relaxed between you of late and you don't think time away will work.
This might open up a conversation where you can speak about what is difficult for you in your mums behaviour. Knowing it stops you wanting to be around her might give her pause for thought in a way withdrawing the gift (which will read as spiteful) never would.

Cancel the holiday and use whatever refund you get to book more therapy.

I'd also strongly suggest you do make yourself invisible by going no contact with her, she sounds appalling.

It was a gift, you can't take it back because she has pissed you off, especially as its not new or unusual behaviour.
I wouldn't go with them though and stop trying to make her love you/behave better - she won't

So why did you book the holiday if she’s been a test for a lifetime? Having booked it for her, it would be appalling for you to cancel it.

I understand OP.

I have a similar DM and one of her things is always complaining that she never gets nice Christmas gifts from my Dad. It's never anything she wants etc etc. Always resulting in a row on special occasions. I was mid processing my own childhood and relationship with my parents and decided that so her 60th wasn't spoiled, I would buy her a custom made diamond ring that she had always complained she never got. More fool me, I worked so hard for that money. She liked it on the day, but has never worn it since. There was still a row on her birthday. She still complained every occasion afterwards. It was a hard lesson for me, but I definitely learnt. I thought that I could make her happy. I could not.

You're going to hate every day of that holiday. I would either send them on their own and be thankful for what I had learned, or come up with a reason it was cancelled, apologise and buy something token, just to move on.

And promise yourself, like I did, never to do that again.

You haven’t actually said what she’s done. Just let them go on the holiday but pull out now. Tell her it clashes with a work thing and you hadn’t realised but to have a lovely time.

She might say ok and you’ll have to write the cost off. You did choose to go way over the top after all.

She might throw a fit in which case you can say, ok, you don’t want to go I get it. I’ll cancel.

@Chefpig it is odd yeah even if it was your real dad it’s odd cause they are a couple and the dynamics are different with you there as a spare wheel.

I love going away with my mum but would not go with stepdad unless my husband was coming to even it out.

question though, do you actually want to go away with your mum at all? She sounds a nightmare!

Cancel it . Rebook them a different location . You book the original location for yourself ( ask a trusted friend/person) if they’d like to join you if you are nervous about going by yourself.
Make this a part of your recovery, allowing yourself something for you not tainted by your mother.

I suppose I feel that buying nice presents like that might make her love me more and be more supportive and less critical. It doesn't work though.

No, no it certainly doesn't. You are 100% ☑️

I doubt from what I've read that she has the love to give. Your task is to learn to accept this, live with that reality, and understand that you are more than enough as a person, your mother has no say in your value, importance or lovableness.

It's hard. But you do not need her - and you need to not need her.

It was an odd choice of gift, spending so much money and time given you sound like you don't have a good relationship.i think it's unreasonable taking it back, but like others I wouldn't go with them, and I wouldn't give such a gift again.

Yeh I get that but it's on you for booking it in the first place, you can't buy her love

being with similar parents I think your totally with on your rights

you were trying to hard - you can adjust by cancelling and telling them you made mistake

i responded again because I really don’t agree you have to go on and on with this - your correcting a mistake