Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

I was going to point this out as scabies are only transmitted to/from another affected person or their mattresses, duvets, sheets, towels, clothes (which have not been washed and affected person using) and are really difficult to get rid of without clean sheets and towels for every single use, once the affected person uses the appropriate lotion to deal with scabies. They and any members of the household should keep up the routine, which may last for a good few weeks until everyone affected is clear of them. I know as my elder sister and her boyfriend both 18, moved into a really grim bedsit, as a lot were, in the late 60s, early 70s. They caught scabies from either affected blankets that had been provided by the landlord without any washing or from the mattress itself. The previous tenants had just left the bedsit and in those days a lot of bad landlords merely hoovered in between rents. It was a daily nightmare in my parents house ensuring my parents, myself and younger sister aged about 7 bathed/washed/changed their own towels/clothes at each time. My parents were furious and banned my sister and bf visiting until they were totally clear a couple of months later.

Your house your rules !! Tell her to wash as it’s not fair on everyone else in the house . I have had this with my stepson and it was a nightmare having to smell him as soon as you walked in the front door . Meal time I avoided as I couldn’t stand the smell . Selfish behaviour all around !! Even my mum who is palliative washes .

Would they suddenly become beacons of hygiene and have a shower before they got in the pool, cos, i doubt it??

Try this.

invite her to sit with you with a coffee or something when you have the house to yourself.
‘I need to talk to you about something. I feel worried that it might make you upset but it’ll be ok. The thing is I’ve noticed that sometimes your clothes are a bit smelly and I thought we could make a special time to do your washing? And if your clothes are clean and fresh it would make sense for you to smell nice too! So what do you think about showering every morning or even before bed?
do you like showering? If not would you prefer a quick bath? What do you think?’

then see if she is willing to talk. She may open up to you if she feels safe

As someone else has mentioned, a daily shower - nice, though it is - is not essential when there are also facecloths and soap and hot water. As a child, the flat we lived in had a bath but no hot water (!) Showers were a luxurious novelty from the USA until the 60's/70's not just for us but most of the families we knew. Didn't mean we were dirty though! Some older ones may remember girls saying they couldn't come out on a Friday night because that was the night they washed their hair! The point I'm trying to make is that - like so much else - this daily showers / 'feminine' wipes etc stuff has been driven by companies hoping to make money out of girls and women.

I Googled 'personal care for adults' and there are a lot of results, including this printable one from Pennine Care NHS: https://www.suffolklocaloffer.org.uk/asset-library/personal-care-hygiene.pdf
Perhaps it (or another poster / booklet) could be put up in the bathroom - where it appears to be advising everyone in the household, not just the young lady?

I don't even allow clean partners to stay over.😁 For which I have been called Victorian and prudish.
Soo happy I don't though, because it seems to often involve them moving in by stealth and more mum work for the long suffering mum. No thanks.

Even if you get the thread deleted you can still read the title and OP on FB.
I think quite a lot that some of the threads MN posts on FB are really unfair and outing for the OP.

It really puts me off starting any threads.

Maybe they ll notice that their newly washed clothes smell of Vodka!

Good luck OP. You seem extremely considerate, hope your communication is well received.

Seriously I could not have her in my house stinking. I would speak to my son and say he talks to her or I do and if nothing changes she has to leave.

How desperate is your son? Goodness!!

Can I also put in a word for your DS? If he is also on the spectrum he might not know how to go about this kind of conversation with his girlfriend. How is he generally with her? Because if he can't talk to his girlfriend about such things, he might be a little too immature for a proper relationship and how would he cope if, for example, she got pregnant?

It will sound better coming from him in the first instance. Yanbu to insist he addresses it with her if she wants to continue living with you. Because it’s affecting your daily life and comfort in your own home, and it will be embarrassing for you with visitors.

I know how you feel. My ex stepson was like this. I could smell when he’d been in a room and also dreaded giving him lifts, even more when I was pregnant. His girlfriend didn’t seem to mind. I ended up having to sit him down and have a really frank conversation with him. It was made worse because he was a chef. His bedroom was next to ours, separated by a door, it was a 50 year old house and I could smell him when I was in my bedroom, it hit so bad I had to move the bed further from the adjoining door.

im afraid you’ll need to have a chat with her and explain how unbearable it is becoming.

If mine-sweep the bedroom collect everything and wash it , what do the bedclothes smell like 🤮, you need to be brutal I think take her to one side and tell her , does she work? Or speak to her parents ( if you can ) I’m sorry but you can’t live like that

I'm completely with the people who said encourage her to go swimming - you can shower at poolside before you go into the pool - better than lying around all day in a stinky bed

Sounds like she's not looking for work tbh. The OP said this morning that they were both in bed at 10.20

She will be entitled to UC. I hope she claims it if she isn't already

Hi i haven't read all the replies yet, but I'd potentially do something like the following (I'd find it really hard too..)

'Nelly, I've run you a lovely relaxing bath with some really nice bath salts & hair stuff I got for you. I thought you could do with a treat so I've put a cup of tea/glass of wine in there - take your time! By the way don't be shy, I want you to feel comfortable enough to have a bath or shower every day here, it would make me happy & feel like I'm a good host!'

(maybe a bit ott!)

She should get the obvious hint but it's done in such a nice way she can't feel too bad about it (hopefully)

I doubt she’s claiming anything and it sounds like she’s looking for work. Op says she suspects she is autistic/ADHD which could explain a lot.

I am ND as are my adult DC, I am super sensitive to smell so I need to bath/shower daily, I am super aware of other peoples BO and general smell to the point it makes me almost puke but my eldest DD is totally oblivious to it as are some of her ND friends, for my DD washing isn’t a priority and it’s hard for her to remember to do something she doesn’t see as important. So I have to constantly remind her. I have to take clothes from her room to wash as she would happily live in the same hoodie for a week or more 🤢. My dd has a job, I have to remind her to make sure she’s clean before she goes in, I have to remind her to brush her teeth and do her hair. Luckily she works in an all male work place (other than her) and they don’t seem to care if she’s a bit scruffy.

The OP and the gf probably don't have a lodger agreement in place - there are instances where the dwp could see this as a contrived tenancy - as she's the sons gf

OP, re lack of knickers for the wash.
Maybe you could buy her a zip up net washing bag to put them in.
That way it would save any embarrassment of giving you possibly soiled knickers as the bag would just go straight in the washing machine, with everything safely zipped inside.

OP, re lack of knickers for the wash.
Maybe you could buy her a zip up net washing bag to put them in.
That way it would save any embarrassment of giving you possibly soiled knickers as the bag would just go straight in the washing machine, with everything safely zipped inside.

I'm glad it was pointed out to me as I didn't realise there was an issue.

It was my manager who called me aside and said my colleagues had asked her to step in (admit, she could have left that bit out).
I was initially mortified, but gradually glad as it meant I could put an end to it and not continue being talked about as the smelly one.

Made me wonder if previous interviews I wasn't successful in were due to the smell.

I still regret not telling someone at Church that their breath stank. I distanced myself instead, which looking back was selfish as I would want to know, so I can do something about it.

I agree. When it’s impacting other people too, and you want to live with them, you just need to wash. For example, it’s not the younger sister’s fault that her brother’s girlfriend has trauma, it’s just a basic requirement.

Is that true? I had a lodger a few years ago whose lodgings were paid through UC.

You don't get housing allowance if you live in someone else's house as a lodger in most occasions.

There are also people who have BO no matter how much they wash -medical issues. Not the case here but it happens