Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

My dd is 21 and autistic and ADHD, I have to remind her to wash, shower/bath or she just doesn’t think to do it. I still have to remind her to brush her teeth in the mornings too (evenings she seems to remember). I bought her lots of nice smellies for Christmas which she actually requested and she hasn’t used any of them. I have to be very straight with her and tell her when she smells, there’s no other way. Apparently I have a sensitive nose and no one else can smell her.

Maybe your sons girlfriend needs reminding? Maybe she just doesn’t prioritise washing? Or simply forgets? Your DS has to share a bed with her so surely he can tell her to have a shower?

Could she be worried about showering whilst other people are at home?
I say this as someone who felt a similar way as a young adult and even as a fully fledged adult I hate showering if anyone other than immediate family are in the house

With my shower-dodging autistic teenager, direct indirectness works best: frame it as you are going for a shower, give a closed choice about when "I'm going in the shower when I've done X, are you going in before/ after me?" "Great, I'll put the heating/ hot water on ready for you".
It puts a bit of control in their hands, isn't too subtle but doesn't take too much agency away.
Advance notice to process the idea also helps.
(Hints are useless)

There's often sensory issues, or executive function issues at play. Different smells, temperature, wet/ dry, hair/ skin feeling different. There's lots of different stages to get in through in the right order: undressing, getting wet, shampoo, rinising, conditioner, rinsing...

I've had to swap lids on the brand of small bottles we use for travelling/ swimming as the brand of big bottles had set a default that black = first and white = second. He struggles with checking lables for "shampoo" "conditioner" and remembering which does what in what order when he's trying to deal with thousands of drops of water hitting his skin and hair (he can't remember left and right at the best of times anyway).

Progress is often made by adding little bite-sized stages of development and perseverence at each babystep, much slower than it would be in a NT person. Good luck!

You say she has had a poor upbringing, so I have voted yabu for expecting your son to talk to her.

In your shoes I would be having a mum-like chat with her. Apologise, and acknowledge it is awkward but have that conversation with her.

Offer to help her wash her stuff/help her to buy some new bits if needed.

I suspect she needs a mum's influence here rather than her boyfriend's.

I think the clothes washing is a good idea but I wouldn’t advise the son to deliver the news. I think mum would be better off saying it’s the house rules and everyone has to.

This is an excellent response. I’m so sorry this was your experience @Chickencuddle😢. Sending ♥️

So your suggestion is to humiliate her in front of everyone and threaten to throw her out, rather than have a quiet word with her alone?

I think you have to treat them like young children at this point. Not in a cruel way, but in an instructing way. I had an upbringing that bordered on the neglectful in terms of personal hygiene, and although i showered every day, I was never taught about how to clean my clothes or bedclothes. I was also not taught about proper hair washing. I had to learn and tbh only learned as an adult when living with other people.

With my teens I still am very descriptive about how they keep themselves clean. They have to have a shower daily, if they are out in the world at school. I am prepared to let a shower on Sundays go. They have their bedclothes washed weekly. I am happy for them to wear the same clothes 2 days in a row, but then there is a wash.

It truly sounds like this girl has never been taught about personal hygiene, nor why it matters. So she has to be taught. It can be simple as saying 'Right, on Tuesdays your bedclothes are going in the wash, ours will be on Thursdays'. It can be saying 'I am using the washing machine today, before noon. Collect your c,othes and pout them in at 3 pm'. It could be drawing up a bathroom and shower usage agreement. People would not be concerned about saying 'Here is a cooking schedule' so put up a washing schedule.

ND or not, this is no way to live. She may well be embarrassed or may not care, but you have to have a discussion with her now, you cannot allow someone to live like this it’s ridiculous. Be direct for everyone’s sake.

‘A bit of autism’ does actually mean you are neurologically disabled. That’s why we need extra support with certain things. Sometimes if you haven’t been shown how to do something, like wash, you might need extra guidance. It might also take longer to grasp.

My autistic son was a bit like this. I made it a routine. Every e expected to shower on certain days. I would knock on doors and tell each person to not forget their turn to shower and wash. I told each person so no-one felt singled out. Definitely don’t tell her she stinks, or say anything that would make her feel anxious. Just say so eth8ng you need a rota for Everything related to washing.

How on earth does he get intimate with her smelling so bad? He needs to have a word with her it’s disrespectful to you having bad smells in yours and other family members houses. Totally unacceptable IMO. How does your DH feel?

A lot of ND people are smelly and unkempt. Just like a lot will be the complete opposite and be overzealous with cleanliness and hygiene. You do realise it is a spectrum?

It was very clear that you meant your daughter. I think if you’ve hinted, bought shower gels, offered to wash clothes and nothing has changed then you should just tell her she needs to shower at least once a day and frequently wash clothes because her BO is offensive. You’ve tried to address it by tip toeing around the issue and that hasn’t worked so you just need to be honest.

Tell your son to grab all of their washing now and then it needs doing twice a week. It’s not negotiable to only do his own and it can all go in together. That would be a simple solution if she’s not passing it over.

Then he needs to speak to her about showering. He might need to be a bit blunt about it if she’s not even realising by her own nose.

Following because I have someone at home with a similar issue and so far nothing has worked, direct or indirectly.

Except for the cruelty of embarrassing someone directly, I don’t know what else to do.

ND card bingo strikes again.

Now we are smelly and unkempt.

🙄🙄🙄

This!! Seriously!!

I would ensure that your ds and his gf change their bedclothes at least once a week, plus any nightwear. Move on to clothes washing/ towels washing.

we use sanex and fairy non bio is the only washing tablet that doesn't make anyone itch after clothes/ towels being washed. She might be worried about that?

I would sit at the kitchen table and work out a rota for getting washing done ' do everything is always clean' and as everyone showers/ bathes daily, they need clean things. she could help work it all out. This will lead onto a convo about her showering habits and she must shower and brush her teeth!

There is also scabies. People get that if they don't wash/ change sheets etc. Make sure they keep their room tidy and clean (!)

Definitely sit down with her yourself, have a chat and ask her some questions as if she were your own child. You could offer to dry and style her hair for her after a bath/shower?

I was only taught the most basic of personal hygiene as a child and honestly didn’t realise until I grew up and moved out that it wasn’t normal and breaking the bad habits was hard!

Good luck op it sounds like you have a handle on this now.

For the laundry - does she have enough practical clothing the last the week? Things that are easy to wash and dry and dont need ironing? Also remember to wash the pyjamas and hoodies and bedding that frequently get forgotten and coats too!

Honestly OP yes you need to talk to this young woman.
I think you also need to talk to your son about hygiene as well because the fact he is willing to put up with her lack of cleanliness is worrying.

I was going to ask if she’s autistic, but I’ve just read that your son is and potentially she could be too.
She might just need it spelling out to her. Obviously you can do that sensitively but I would probably just sit her down for a chat and give her some nice products and say that the house rules are that we wash every day and we have clean clothes regularly.

You can offer to help her wash her clothes for the first few times so she gets into the routine.
She probably needs it saying very clearly as autistic people (I’m one) have trouble reading between the lines. Hinting or gentle nudging won’t work as you probably know with your son.