Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

Your way sounds kinder but the poor girl has got to 23 and presumably has not cottoned onto nuance thus far, particularly if she is neurodivergent.

"I have noticed and want to bring it up before others do" keeps it as between the op and her son's gf rather than, "I need to do something about this because other people have mentioned it".

Clearly, by any standards you like, your first sentence cannot apply when the body in Q is a guest in someone else’s home.

Agree with all those saying you need to take this in hand OP and one thing to add is that you might also provide bar soap and an anti bac one like Dettol - shower gel alone isn't enough sometimes on smelly teens to keep BO away. My DS15 uses the Dettol soap.

Thanks so much for your helpful contribution to the thread, all you weirdos with your sex ‘jokes’

I'm not sure I even understand that analogy ...

I have noticed that you smell

Well that's direct alright!

Could she not try something like "I have noticed your laundry and bathroom routine is irregular and wondered if you would feel more comfortable if we had a routine so you knew it was a convenient time for you to use the facilities."

Also I am sorry but 'disco minge'!! Didn't someone call their record/album that some years ago?

While people are pearl clutching at the references to sex etc I'll join in.

A friend of mine used to joke about sex with 'grotty' women. He likened it to eating a pork pie 'Got to get through the crust and jelly to get to the good bit'.

Neurodiverse or not, somewhere along the line she has missed out on the development of life skills and hygiene. Abuse or not she clearly needs support to come to grips with it for the following reasons:

Conforming to accepted norms
Getting and holding down a job
Navihating health services, particularly if she wants children in the future.

I think you need to be direct. "I have noticed that you smell and want to help you before other people bring it up".
Daily washing is essential: showering, bathing or a strip wash.
Hair needs washing befire it gets greasy: every day, every other, every third, whatever is necessary
Clean clothes are essential - I am going to wash all your clothes and thereafter: clean socks, pants and top daily, bra every other day, trousers after three or four wears.I will help you with your washing until you get the hang of it.
Teeth: morning and night.
Bedding: fortnightly minimum

Somewhere along the line, this lass hasn't been properly parented. She needs to know and to be given the tools to resolve it. What do you know of her background. Where are her own parents.

If she's neurodiverse, there will be a way to deal with it and to help her conform.

I think this is a really helpful post - both in terms of understanding it, and in terms of how to go about approaching a resolution.

It’s possible she has sensitive skin and your laundry soap irritates her skin, and/or she’s fed up with the irritation that comes with trying new cleaning products. This in addition to some neurodivergent sensory issues may be at the root of her problems. Some very gentle questions in this area might help address the problem. Maybe address it as a concern for her health/cleanliness/skin issues and not overtly saying she smells bad. This is very awkward though!

We are a neurodivergent family, and I work in the adult memtal health sector.

I agree with PP about asking about her history of bathing ect. Then go from there.

One of my DC has always despised showers and rain. So he mostly has a bath or we taught him to take the shower head off if possible, wet himself put the shower head down. Wash himself and then rinse. If the shower head is fixed he just sort of flings himself in and out as best as he can manage to get wet or rinsed.

My DH and some of of pur DC are warmer blooded and will sweat more. So we trialed various products to help manage the odour. The fave product is perspi-guard as they have a large range of various products. They also offer a anti perspiration (in different forms like spray and roll on) that lasts more than 1 day.

My DD has always struggled with us helping her/teaching her about personal care and as she has gotten older I have found sharing videos (particulary tik tok) has been very helpful. I framed it as have you seen these where xyz are sharing these awesome things to make you clean yourself properly or smell like vanilla ect. This has really helped my DD although now it costs a small fortune.

If showering is just way too much at the moment there are products avaliable to help suck as no rinse hair caps and specific wipes for cleaning.

Someone has to speak to her. If he won't then you should.

We had a lodger who had this issue. We couldn't understand why it was so bad as he did shower, even though only once a week. But he never washed his clothes. So he basically wore dirty, smelly clothes constantly while washing once a week max. The house smelt awful!
One night my now DH decided to tackle the issue. They had a few drinks and then he just told him outright. The guy seemingly had no idea. After that the situation improved (though he wasn't great at emptying his washing from the machine!)

As horrible as it is, your choices are bite the bullet and say something, or continue living with her BO smell. Sometimes you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations, and be cruel to be kind.

My experiences with autism are quite vast and varied, due to many people close to me including ex DP, stepdaughter, business partner and someone who works for me having it, on top of working with adults with ND as a main part of my current job and previous jobs.

I can often spot it straight away, even on the phone, or across the room with people I haven't yet spoken to. Sensory issues are a BIG thing. NT people can struggle with the changes of temperature and environment of going from warm and dry to cold and wet of course, but to those with ASD it can be torturous. I am not saying that all people with ASD are 'smelly and unkempt' of course but I am saying that some are, and for those who are, it is because of issues like this largely. It can be made worse then by being bullied/ostracised at school for 'not fitting in' 'not being normal' etc etc and sensory issues amplify in unhappy children. Add in a not-great upbringing and it makes sense why ASD people would struggle with hygiene.

I wrote about this on another thread but recently I have met two people with ASD in a social setting. Both of them smelt unfortunately, one of just 'dirty body', likely it simply didn't occur to him that it is kind of a 'rule' that we wash and wear clean clothes before we go out for the day to a social event, and BO, the other one had clearly not washed his clothes properly despite having a smart appearance-perhaps a result of, as others have said, not quite picking up how to wash clothes properly and nobody had told him.

I think a lot of people don't understand how easy it is to become noseblind. I have a very sensitive nose. I went to a client of mine's house recently-bathroom smelt of urine-he hadn't noticed (also ASD).

My stepdaughter absolutely reeked at times and didn't realise it wasn't the 'normal' way to smell.

Unfortunately, affecting others with your smell and bad hygiene is non-negotiable.

My business partner comes over for nights/days out often and he arrives with the clothes on his back and a toothbrush and that's it. He is luckily one of those people who doesn't sweat a lot and I've never notice him smell.

Ex DP was the opposite, very fastidious about hygiene, some would say to the extreme-sensory issues were very much present but focused in other areas (certain textures and clothing and foods).

I think clear instructions like the ones outlined for a PP's parent's foster children, are your best bet here OP.

The second sentence of my post’s the important one. Many posters have suggested ways to tackle the issue in a constructive and adult way, rather than dictating what you “expect” from her.

I've scanned through this, lots of focus on neuro-diversity which could be relevant but I have a different take.
This is a young woman who is not working and having to live with a boyfriends family instead of her own, due to a difficult past. So the not showering to me jumped out as depression/mental health. It's quite a textbook sign.

I would probably just sit down with her and start the conversation by asking how she's feeling mentally and from there say the reason you're asking is because you've noticed she's not showering, and then mention anything else alongside this which could also indicate she's not happy (for example does she struggle to get up in the mornings?) If you drop it in like that youre sending the message it's not normal not to shower but from a place of concern.

I will never understand how you can have sex with someone who stinks… I mean surely the smell is gonna kill of any sexual arousal you may feel and give you a major case of the ick??

I would just sit her down and tell her and suggest what she should do to remedy the situation. I'd start of by saying I need to have a difficult conversation ... for me and for her, but I need to have it nevertheless...

I don't know the answer but dread to think what their bedding smells like 🤔

I would take this approach. Really direct and non-judgmental, not really giving her a choice, asking how to make it easier for her.

I am neurodivergent and I don’t like showering because I find it really, really boring. I hate any kind of routine chore. What, you need washing AGAIN? I just did you yesterday… I feel this way about all acts of personal care. Teeth that need brushing twice a day particularly infuriate me - plus I hate the feeling and concept of toothbrushes. I didn’t ask for hair why is it so needy goddamnit?

I do skip my shower occasionally but by and large, I shower every day because I live with other people. I make it less deathly dull by ironically doing it more thoroughly. I dry brush before every shower, then scrub with an African net sponge and antibacterial soap, then use a luxury shower oil and shave everywhere, followed by body lotion. I am arguably cleaner than people that actually like showers. But if I have a period of poor mental health, the hygiene will be the first to go.

Find what will make it better for her - temperature, products, smells, novelty, whatever - and see if you can help her get into a groove.

Your son may not mind her smell because of the pheromones... I have to say I love the smell of my partner's sweat 😂

If she does have sensory issues around washing, it will be a really sensitive matter and won't be solved by pressuring her to wash more.

Not a long term solution, but Wild deodorant is really powerful stuff. It's amazing at eliminating BO, smells lovely and literally lasts for days... It's very expensive but would 100% get rid of any unpleasant smell and wouldn't require more frequent washing.

Lol. She is living for free in SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE!!

Yes her body her rules to stink the place out when its hers alone. She is sharing with people so she needs to respect them.

Maybe have a new year refresh and say you want to wash all bed linen and clothes so everybody's starting off the new year with all clean stuff. You could give her a gift bundle with shower gel, hair stuff, body lotion, deodorant, a nice body spray and say that's to get you started for the new year so you can have lovely showers/baths and really look after yourself. If things don't improve after that, then it's time to be a bit more head on about it and tell her that you've noticed she doesn't seem to be looking after her hygiene very well and is there anything bothering her at the moment or anything she needs / you can help her with. You could ask directly has anybody ever told her what she needs to do to have good hygiene.

A pp mentioned does she have enough clothes?

My sarcasm detector’s inconclusive here, but assuming you’re being serious I can just imagine you squawking that at a nonplussed twenty-something.

Chat GPT is good with this sort of thing. It’ll come up with a script you can look at, to tell her.

I have to say, there many people on this thread who are more tolerant than I would be in the same situation. It’s some going for your stench to be so bad that it is obvious even after you’ve left a room. 😣

Your first sentence, ok, I understand where you're coming from with that, I veer from having that stance to recognising that there are many contributory factors, thats a much longer discussion

Your latter sentence, you are muddling up how particular conditions statistically work - it is not true to say that all ND clients have x, y, z traits. It may be likely to say that x, y, z traits are 90% of the time seen in ND clients.