Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

I don't understand why having a daily shower and clean clothes is a problem. Yes, in the 18 and early 1900 personal hygiene was a premium to the rich class, but guess what? We are almost in 2026 and thankfully those days are long gone.

One of the biggest advantages in medicine was understanding how social and personal hygiene has an impact on health. If we don't shower frequently, the chance of getting skin fungal infections in young people are much higher .....when there is no need these days.

We all have washing machines washing not only outer garments but underwear as well. They even (maybe a shock to you) come with different cycles - cotton, delicates, wool etc.

So yeah, in almost 2026 in a country like the UK, people (even neurodiverse) can have a daily shower and clean clothes at the same time 🙄

Agree about the daily shower. Only a couple of PPs have highlighted that unwashed clothes are the bigger problem.

People have done experiments (really!) to find out how badly people in the past would really have ponged. Short answer: The plebs reeked, as they rarely washed themselves and wore the same clothes for ages - in winter, they sewed themselves into their warm 'clouts' until Spring. Posh people didn't wash either, and posh outfits couldn't be washed. But they wore a clean linen undershirt every day. This kept them fresh, the linen absorbing all the oils and loose skin cells during the day, and stopped their fancy outer garments getting contaminated by them.

I bet you all feel better for knowing this massively important factlet, don't you?

I voted YABU because I believe you should deal with this yourself. Your house, your rules. You waited a month to even gently bring this up? Kindly, use your words, OP. You’ll be doing your family a favour and you will be doing her a favour too! You could explain that not only you, but the whole of society expects people to wash themselves and their clothes. I’d say this lesson may be even more important if she is indeed neurodivergent and can’t figure this out by herself.

Good lick. Just be direct enough that she understands. Don’t hint. Being direct doesn’t have to be unkind. Make sure she is aware of the importance of washing clothes. Maybe check whether her bras or tops with armpits need replacing or soaking - and explain sometimes people can smell even after washing themselves and clothes as it’s ingrained in the clothes. And check what scents she likes for the washing machine. She may like relatively unscented.

Hope it goes well

People need to be told only then the issue can be corrected

Another autistic person here - I would prefer a gentle and direct conversation. Often I just need something explained clearly to understand why it’s important eg we wash regularly because our bodies release sweat/hormones that need washing away/they also leak onto our clothes and everybody does this to take personal care of themselves. Neutral, clear and gentle. Also start and finish with a positive about her and that you can help remind/prompt her to begin with.

i know she’s not your child and her autism could mean she feels alienated from others, thank you for being the person she needs right now.

I voted YABU because she, and your son, are neurodivergent. You can't put the responsibility on your son when his brain works differently, it's your house and affecting everyone in your household.

It's likely she's not aware what she needs to do if she's neurodivergent and had a difficult childhood. Sit with her and be gentle. Let her know she is a young woman and needs to shower daily. Give her some products, like persimmon soap or body wash - they're marketed for older people with odour problems, but are great for young neurodivergents as well.

Have a good think what you want to say, and how to say it before you talk to her. Autistic people respond very well to clear instructions in a gentle, non confrontational voice.

Sit both down and have a sincere chat as Mum of the House.

Talk about how some changes need happening if the living arrangement is to be happy and sustainable into the future.
List just three things that are non negotiable due to a stench that is out of hand..

Explain that fox and skunk can't smell their own scent - so too humans who are acclimatized to their own body odour.

• Everyone needs to wash themselves properly every day.

• Clothes, towels and bed linen need regular washing.

• Shoes need taking off and airing.

Explain that they are on the nose and, to be frank, DS needs to keep his job and accommodation and GF needs a job and they can not be smelly.

Admit that it is embarrassing for you to talk about but even more embarrassing for you not to talk about it with them.
You will not neglect them. You are giving them motherly advice.

This is a difficult conversation, but it is needed. You are doing a good thing OP, you sound caring and nice and I hope one day she will thank you.

Edit to add, when I’ve done this at work, it’s been via the ‘shit sandwich’ - something nice, deliver the bad bit, finish on a kind and nice thing.

You’ve had some good advice on here.

With your update that she doesn't work and has a poor relationship with her family, she is likely going to be with you forever, so you are going to have to be blunt. I wouldn't be tiptoeing around my own smelly 23-year-old who wasn't working or studying, so why someone else's?

I don’t think this is going to work as a long term living arrangement. It puts a lot of pressure on your son and everyone else.

Not showering and ADHD is a big thing too. Does she have a nice towelling bath robe? I know that's a thing for many people. good luck!

I'd thread lightly, does she have clinical depression ?

When I first met my husband he would come home from work (manual job) stinking and although he showered every day I realised that he wasn't always wearing deodorant, when I asked why he didn't put deodorant on every morning it came to light that he thought you only wore it when you were going out somewhere "nice" so I told him he needed to spray it after every shower and since then he's been fine. Some people just don't get taught these things in childhood unfortunately.

I think for people thinking that some lovely gels, lotions & potions will help - they aren’t unfortunately rewarding enough to override a sensory issue with water, or a severe avoidance or procrastinatory issue, where simply the idea of showering or hair washing can feel overwhelming & distressing & is avoided. In fact for a lot of people with sensory difficulties the scent of many toiletries can also cause sensory distress.

This could be a mental health issue, I know someone that was the same. But may not be. Maybe you could get rest of the family out of the way and say to her, i hope you don't mind me saying this because we do all really like you, but is there any reason you don't shower regularly and change/wash your clothes? Is there anything you want to talk about just between you and me? There's no problem you can shower every day and wash your clothes. Has she got plenty of clothes/undies? Can she lock the door when she's in the shower or is she scared someone will walk in?

You can perhaps use the relationship with her family to help this along - emphasise that you think this is her parents' fault, not hers, sympathise with her, but make it clear that washing is not negotiable, she has to do it regularly.

"I've noticed that you're not showering every day or using the washing machine to wash your clothes regularly. I hope you're not feeling uncomfortable about using our facilities.
We want you to feel at home, so please do feel free to use the shower every day and wash your clothes regularly, especially as you need to be fresh and at your best for interviews etc."

I quite agree and hope no-one minds me mentioning it, but your son presumably is having sex with the woman and unless using condoms, the transfer of body fluids is inevitable. Having sex and not bathing stinks - I worked with someone like that and we were in a public facing role. You could see people gagging as they came into the shop, in fact the first time I worked with her I almost choked - the smell was that bad it got into your nostrils and mouth and you literally choked. The Superviser said she would have a word but this went on for months and months and yet some days she did not smell at all, not even a little bit. We (all staff) all mentioned it aloud (the awful smell in the shop) and loads asked if the drains needed cleaning. The fact that for a few days a month she didn't smell, showed that she could bathe/shower and the smell, bad as it was, would disappear for those few days. BTW on a personal level, we didn't have a bathroom until I was 10, so only had a bath (tin bath) once a week in front of the fire. We children never had deodorant - Mam had a roll on one named Mum I think. I don't recall Dad having one though he had a full wash down every day after work (Steelworks) and weekly bath until the bathroom was installed.

I occasionally use deoderant spray - not perfumed ones as I feel they dry my skin out. I think heavily perfumed deodorants or perfume, smells awful on a smelly person, and does'nt hide the smell. If you are clean you should not need to use that much or any deodorant unless you sweat profusely or working in a manual job which could cause excessive sweating. I think this woman is possibly (I don't know) just lazy about bathing for whatever reason, I worked for 8 years with Learning Disabled adults, and everyone needed telling after a couple of days they needed to bathe but some would get a bath but others would just reply that they did not want to, and there was nothing you could do. OP you need to have that quiet word now before it becomes totally unbearable and you are forced to ask her/them to leave. Good Luck.

Hi OP. I’m sorry I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, so forgive me if what I’ve written has already been suggested.
It’s a tricky one! I’ve taken young people on residential trips and we’ve had to teach them (in a group) what shower gel, a sponge, soap etc is for and how to use it. Literally how much, how long to wash for, what to use on which bits. I’m not sure if she’s had previous trauma, or may have come from a home where it’s been assumed that this is known. So much of what is ‘the norm’ to many of us is seen to be assimilated and not actually taught now…but that’s for another thread!
It has to be dealt with, for her sake. If you can afford it, please buy her a cheap loofah (if you share a bathroom, you can replace this frequently), shower gel and soap, deodorant etc.
if you can’t speak with her directly, can you write her a note? With the toiletries as a gift, of sorts? Maybe try to get as much info about her background from DS as you can first. It really is the time to take a deep breath and broach it though. Big hugs!

PS You sound like a very kind and caring person.

Does she have her own towels to use which are just for her? Does she have a laundry basket for her own clothes? She may be uncomfortable using "other people's" stuff. Maybe something along those lines would help. Get her a couple of towels in a colour that doesn't run so everything can be washed together and then say to her that her slot for laundry is X day. She may be embarrassed by underwear or worry about other people touching her clothes. Does she have 'enough' clothes/ underwear? She might also benefit from having an agreed time to use the shower every day to give a sense of routine/consistency. It has to be nicely made a non negotiable - for both of them.

I agree with speaking to her as if she were your DD.
Shit sandwich rule applies.
Say something lovely- how much you like having her around and you hope she's happy living with you.
Then tell her that you have noticed she doesn't wash her body or clothes very often, and that you're worried about her. People who take care of themselves, wash every day. Can she talk to you about why it is she doesn’t?
There is a graphic online of how often to wash various items of clothes etc - underwear and sportswear daily, Jeans after 3 wears etc - which is a really nice impersonal and objective way of showing what's the done thing. WhatsApp it to her. This is what we do here.
Then end with something nice again- I love how you stack the dishwasher /your pasta/ your boots

Agree with pp this is a strong indicator of past SA
And general low self esteem.
One way to approach it would be, why don't you think you are worth taking care of?

All those people obsessing with the typical mums net 'one must shower every day or is a creature of filth' rubbish....YABU as it actually takes quite a long time for someone to smell that openly bad without washing (maybe not if they don't use deodorant though- which if it's sweat smell then is likely the main issue here)

Feel for you OP....its a really difficult one and I think you need to be really careful how you approach it.
I think really your son needs to do it so you need to have another firm chat with him I think.....maybe discuss with him how he can do it in a more light hearted way as I think going in too hard and serious about it will upset her.
Would be focusing on the deodorant more than anything as without that BO smell will soon return however much she washes anyway.

@averychoc @guineaguineaguineapig the ides of a rota for the washing machine is excellent. Allocate her washing tablets aswell so she feels she has to use them!

Tell your son this is the laundry rota and he needs to ensure he and his girlfriend both use the slot so the washing machine is free and whatever for a Thursday as you need it for XYZ.

The shower is one thing but washing her clothes is really, really essential. Is she washing any clothing eg socks & underwear? Surely she is. People for realise that skin bacteria and parasites are actually quite rampant now with everyone cold washing (this is not really sufficient to properly clean many types of textile) and also the rise of second hand clothing but that’s not really the issue here.
If your son won’t help improve the situation- I’d first try the rota. Then id ask son to talk to her. Then I’d say something myself. She might actually feel more at ease with you saying something discreetly to her like you’ve noticed she doesn’t use the washing machine and you wondered why? Rather than her boyf saying ‘my mum says you smell and need to wash more!’ - depends on how tactful your son is. I think I’d rather control the messaging and PR myself in this case as I’d be worried he’d say something that would be upsetting and I’d try to frame it differently because maybe she genuinely doesn’t know what’s ’normal’.