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Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
TeresaTeresa · 30/12/2025 11:36

I would say to your son if he doesn't solve this problem with the gf then she has to go because you cant have this sort of problem in your house ,you have had to take her to visit people with you which is far too embarrassing! What is going on with ur son to be with a smelly gf,I dont get it,as you say he showers daily so does he like this sort of unhygienic woman or what as I would hate it if my son was with a dirty smelly gf,something is not right with this so like I said tell him or even her if this continues then she or both will have to find other accommodation,I wouldn't put up with that under my roof,just be brave,tell them & good luck & btw dont feel bad!⁹

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 11:34

FudgeAndGalgos · 30/12/2025 11:30

We had an 18 year old live with us for a bit, kicked out by her mum the minute she turned 18. Not sure why but she would never wash or clean her teeth. We had clear non shameful conversations that did not change a thing. We then found that she was urinating on the bedroom carpet and leaving poo in bags.
This is a very tricky situation since your son is in a relationship with her, however you should absolutely not be putting up with this. You have essentially gained a child who you now have to make sure is cleaning her body and her clothes.

My sister's french exchange student pooed in bags and left them in the airing cupboard!

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 11:33

FudgeAndGalgos · 30/12/2025 11:30

We had an 18 year old live with us for a bit, kicked out by her mum the minute she turned 18. Not sure why but she would never wash or clean her teeth. We had clear non shameful conversations that did not change a thing. We then found that she was urinating on the bedroom carpet and leaving poo in bags.
This is a very tricky situation since your son is in a relationship with her, however you should absolutely not be putting up with this. You have essentially gained a child who you now have to make sure is cleaning her body and her clothes.

Jesus Christ! You are all saints and so much nicer than I will ever be.

Alliod40 · 30/12/2025 11:33

Good luck..you're very kind for helping her out instead of listening to some of the ridiculous comments on here as usual xx

FudgeAndGalgos · 30/12/2025 11:30

We had an 18 year old live with us for a bit, kicked out by her mum the minute she turned 18. Not sure why but she would never wash or clean her teeth. We had clear non shameful conversations that did not change a thing. We then found that she was urinating on the bedroom carpet and leaving poo in bags.
This is a very tricky situation since your son is in a relationship with her, however you should absolutely not be putting up with this. You have essentially gained a child who you now have to make sure is cleaning her body and her clothes.

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 11:26

Alondra · 30/12/2025 05:51

I don't understand why having a daily shower and clean clothes is a problem. Yes, in the 18 and early 1900 personal hygiene was a premium to the rich class, but guess what? We are almost in 2026 and thankfully those days are long gone.

One of the biggest advantages in medicine was understanding how social and personal hygiene has an impact on health. If we don't shower frequently, the chance of getting skin fungal infections in young people are much higher .....when there is no need these days.

We all have washing machines washing not only outer garments but underwear as well. They even (maybe a shock to you) come with different cycles - cotton, delicates, wool etc.

So yeah, in almost 2026 in a country like the UK, people (even neurodiverse) can have a daily shower and clean clothes at the same time 🙄

Show quote history

Some people live in poverty - I'm not talking about the OP obviously - potentially a daily shower is too costly for some people. It's one of the most costly appliances to run in the home.

I actually had a really severe skin condition caused by stress a few years ago and I couldn't tolerate showering every day. Even just water on my skin was making it flare.
I probably showered 5 times a week at that point

I actually didn't have a shower in my previous flat. I do now but I always showered at the gym - because I prefer a shower to a bath

There are also reasons why hygiene can become a problem for some people - certain disabilities. People with depression. It's not quite as simple as people jumping into a shower every day

I broke my leg last year. It was a bad fracture. I couldn't walk for months and it would have been completely dangerous to attempt to get into a shower at that point

I did wash myself and I used baby wipes as well but showering was completely out of the question.

ForCoralScroller · 30/12/2025 11:20

Yuck

omggggggg · 30/12/2025 11:18

She certainly won’t get a job walking around stinking.

TeaRoseTallulah · 30/12/2025 11:18

I wouldn't give ds the heads up you're going to talk to her in case he gets defensive and doesn't want you to. Talk after if necessary.

MyHardySwan · 30/12/2025 11:14

I feel for you OP this is not a nice situatuon to be in, I think firm but sensitive might be the best approach maybe even speak about how medically important hygiene is especially during menstration and how keeping ourselves clean is a basic skill we have to learn and you're happy to prompt and help out anyway you can. Short of hoseing her down or dunking her in the bath fully clothed and all I can't really think of much else!

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 11:07

Kibble19 · 29/12/2025 21:22

Well that’s ruined my crisps & dip enjoyment this evening.

The pork pie reference is quite a good one, paints a picture.

Surely the OPs son and this girl aren’t having sex. Surely. 😰

Show quote history

😂😂sorry!

They probably are. What 23 year olds sharing a bed don't?

Some people just don't care or think It's normal.

I've had my fair share of partners with questionable hygiene in the past.

I recall one time where a boyfriend of mine smelled of pee and I asked him to shower as he was wanting sex. He did indeed go into the bathroom and I heard the shower. He returned to the bedroom with wet hair, wrapped in a towel, but still stank. He was just now damp and smelly rather than dry and smelly.
Some folk are just unbelievable.

Henachoko · 30/12/2025 11:05

Alot of people who come from troubled homes struggle with hygiene, particularly if there is also neurodivergance. It seems like taking care of yourself should be obvious but it isn't for a lot of people. Seemingly contradictory, she may feel alot of a shame about this so conversation needs to be very tactful. But a conversation is needed. I would put on your loving and empathetic mum hat on and speak to her about it. I don't know this girl but she might need a lot of hand holding and meeting her where she is developmentally and not her chronological age. You might need to teach/explain how she needs to wash and advise her to make it part of her routine, e.g. wake up, brush teeth + shower etc.

RolexHoarder · 30/12/2025 11:03

Gosh, they're living the dream, how do they fill their day?

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 11:01

jen337 · 29/12/2025 21:18

Thanks so much for your helpful contribution to the thread, all you weirdos with your sex ‘jokes’

Show quote history

You're very welcome.

In my defence, I did put what I feel could be a helpful contribution, alongside my 'sex joke'.

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 11:01

Calliopespa · 29/12/2025 21:17

I'm not sure I even understand that analogy ...

Show quote history

The 'good bit' of a pork pie being the pink meat inside-surrounded by jelly/goo and pie crust.

The 'good bit' of a vagina being the.... surrounded by (if someone hasn't washed) goo/crust.

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 10:20

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/12/2025 22:46

Stale sweat /bo smells

it’s not nice to other people so not sure how your DS can beat to be in same bed /having sex if she smells that bad

either you or him need to be blunt and tell bed she needs to shower daily or at the very least 2/3 times a www

Believe me, I’ve wondered this myself, but it isn’t a conversation I’m comfortable having with 22 yr old son. The weird thing is, he is fastidiously clean! Another poster mentioned something about him being blinded by love - maybe. He’s certainly very fond of her… It could be some kind of nose blindness. I’m eager to tackle it today by having a conversation with her and I’m going to give DS a heads-up about it before I do - just waiting for them to get up….

OP posts:
The13thFairy · 30/12/2025 10:06

MrsDoylesDoily · 29/12/2025 18:14

There was a man on a forum I used to post on years ago who ended up dating two women from the same forum (not at the same time!)

They both finished with him because he had a fetish about smelly, unwashed women and used to get sexually excited by BO and other smells.

Do you think it could be something like that?

Bloody hell.

Anon501178 · 30/12/2025 09:41

Alondra · 30/12/2025 05:51

I don't understand why having a daily shower and clean clothes is a problem. Yes, in the 18 and early 1900 personal hygiene was a premium to the rich class, but guess what? We are almost in 2026 and thankfully those days are long gone.

One of the biggest advantages in medicine was understanding how social and personal hygiene has an impact on health. If we don't shower frequently, the chance of getting skin fungal infections in young people are much higher .....when there is no need these days.

We all have washing machines washing not only outer garments but underwear as well. They even (maybe a shock to you) come with different cycles - cotton, delicates, wool etc.

So yeah, in almost 2026 in a country like the UK, people (even neurodiverse) can have a daily shower and clean clothes at the same time 🙄

Show quote history

Over-washing in a daily bath or shower is actually bad for skin and scalp and completely unnecessary for many unless in certain situations (eg; after exercise, sex, in a heatwave or being in a germy/dirty environement for work) and not to mention it's a real waste of water!

TeaRoseTallulah · 30/12/2025 09:31

Yope · 29/12/2025 21:56

I can guarantee you she 100% has autism.
I don't think being subtle is going to work here.
You need to be frank with her.

No you can't,good grief !

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 08:04

All the suggestions made by posters sound like a full time job. In addition to the job and parenting OP no doubt has already.

Jasmine1970 · 30/12/2025 07:49

You could say that you’ve noticed she isn’t washing regularly and isn’t washing her clothes. And ask her if she’s ok. Sometimes people don’t wash because they are depressed. Is she feeling depressed at the moment.
Also ask if there is a reason why she doesn’t wash?
This brings the subject up.

Then you can hopefully say that it’s good to get into good habits and you’ll try to help her. Say you would really appreciate it if she could wash every other day and wash her clothes once a week and which day would she like to do them on.
then you say ok I’ll help you on Tuesday for the next two weeks to get started. The remind her.

re the washing you can say, I’ve bought some nice new soap fur you, I’ll run you a bath.

Just do it all in a super kind way.

DaughterOfPearl · 30/12/2025 07:15

jen337 · 29/12/2025 20:45

Her body her rules. Her clothes her rules.
There’s better ways of going about this, than trying to lay down the law to a 23 year old woman.

Show quote history

Nope, my house, my rules. Especially for a partner of an adult child living under my roof!

I run a tight ship, the house is always clean, tidy and fresh - basically a nice place to live. If someone doesn't want to abide by my rules that is perfectly fine, they will need to find other accommodation pronto though.

1 shower per day and a few loads of laundry per week is not asking to much of someone availing themselves of your hospitality.

Steeleydan · 30/12/2025 06:44

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 22:44

She’s not working and her relationship with her family is not good. I’m planning on having a delicate conversation with her tomorrow in a sort of parent role as some others have suggested. I will post about how it goes. I’ve had lots of good advice and I’m glad I took it to Mumsnet. Wish me luck !!

Show quote history

If she had a job ,they'd sure as hell pull her up on her bad hygiene and wouldn't necessarily be as kind about it as you are going to be

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 30/12/2025 06:39

I'd tell her kindly before somebody else does. Unfortunately, they probably won't be as kind.

2024namechanger · 30/12/2025 06:31

We had this problem with an au pair. I spoke to her three times, my husband once. It was the same issue - you could smell where she has been in the house. I tried washing bedding when she was out but it wasn’t her clothes, it was her.

When I spoke to her, I explained that there was a smell, and she needed to make sure she had a shower every day, and washed her clothes regularly. When my husband spoke to her, he explained that she needed to scrub with soap in the shower. He spoke to her in stronger tones - this is a problem and you need to fix it. He was still kind. And she didn’t smell after that. Five years on we’re still in touch and she comes to visit. It didn’t damage the relationship in any way.

I have also had to speak to an employee - her colleagues complained although I hadn’t picked up on it. I sat her down and said that I had picked up on a smell, and would hate for that to become an issue in confined spaces. I said it might be perfume, but she needed to be aware of it so that she could ensure she was showered and clean smelling before coming to work. It was totally fine, she thanked me for raising it. No further complaints.

Well done for agreeing to speak to her. She needs to hear it. ASD can present a barrier, but she needs to find strategies to overcome it as an essential life skill. I say this as an autistic mother to autistic children. It might be embarrassing for her to have the convo, but she will lose friends, work prospects etc over it if she doesn’t sort it. I would point out the need for a daily shower where she has to wash with soap, and explain what washing is. You will then need to follow up; any time she smells ask her to please go and have a shower. Maybe buy her a shower puff? If she smells as much as you describe she likely doesn’t have any clue on how to wash. Make sure your son doesn’t undermine you, (I would say that you had asked him to tell her but that’s a matter for you) and really have a word with him about how much of an issue this is. It sounds absolutely grim for him to be sleeping with her and he could have fixed it easily. If they’re close enough to shag, they’re close enough to talk about this. They could shower together for goodness sake!

Good luck.