Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

What about - make her up a hamper of personal hygiene products.
Maybe something gentle and natural, less smelly girly type things.
Washers, shampoos, natural deodorants
New towels just for her own use.
She might prefer a bath instead of shower.
Good luck with the talk.

Can't you mention it to her yourself? She may appreciate the heads-up!

Good luck op, I think this girl is very lucky to have someone like you who wants to help her.

Ime even when a person is told they need to improve their personal hygiene, they do not change.

I shared a house with someone who washed so infrequently the ear wax coming out of her ears was hard and black. Her boyfriend was smelly too. The other person was a teacher and the pupils used to open all the windows and say, What’s that smell? (Knowing it was her.) I witnessed that myself and the next day I thought, well at least she will be clean today after the pupils’ reaction. She turned up unclean and in the same clothes and the smell was unbearable. She looked presentable and had a partner but didn’t wash or use deodorant.

I also think the reasons for not washing or being in a good routine are complicated. I have two family members who don’t like showering, brushing their hair or brushing their teeth due to hypersensitivity. They don’t like anyone else being smelly however.

Just have to tackle this misinformation:
People do not get scabies as a result of not washing or having dirty sheets!

You can only get scabies from other people with scabies. They're a small mite, that burrows under your skin, and it's their excrement that causes itching. You can only catch them through close (skin to skin) personal contact, so unless she's holding a lot of people's hands or touching them, this is unlikely.
Head lice are more likely to jump from one person to another, without the contact being quite as close, but there is plenty of evidence that they actually prefer cleaner hair....

Your son saying he's not bothered really isn't fair. This shouldn't be placed on you - he presumably knew before she moved in that hygiene was an issue for her.

I personally think the poster who said start with an expectation of three showers a week and build from there is reasonable but I do think you are going to have to say to your son that if this doesn't improve - she's going to have to look for other accommodation

It's affecting other family members - it's unfair.

Some people do have depression and it will affect their hygiene - yes some people are just lazy but not all. The OP said that the girl has a poor relationship with her own family - she's potentially ND as well. There could be a lot of reasons why she's not washing

I had this situation with a colleague. In the end I told him very nicely and he thanked me as he wasn’t aware

Don't bring mental illness into it, some ppl are just lazy, on my days off I might not wash for a couple of day but other than that I usually have a bath everyday

Somebody suggested raising it in relation to sharing household chores above - this is a good idea - ie if you want to live here everyone has to share chores including washing your own clothes on X day, cleaning the bath after your shower, and any other chore that seems appropriate eg hoover the stairs on X day. They are adults and should be contributing to the household anyway - it’s life training. This seems a better approach than telling her she smells and is a problem, no matter how kindly you say it. Just be directive and practical and get your son doing it too.

No1 is making you let her live there, put up or shut up and refuse to give her lifts if she refuses to wash and I hope she is doing her fair share of laundry etc cos I wouldn't be doing it though by sounds of her she probably barely changes her clothes

I think you should apeak to her directly. Its your house you don't want to live in a smelly house

You absolutely need to be as kind and supportive in this discussion with her but you are also allowed to set it as a basic expectancy of living in your home. Keeping your own body clean isn’t just for yourself, it is for those around you. Staying in dirty and soiled (sweat, body fluids from days of wear) clothing and then sitting in shared spaces isn’t fair for anyone else using the furniture.

These expectations need to be part of the condition of sharing these spaces. Clean body - set a realistic expectation starting with a shower every 3 days. 3 days is non negotiable. Clean underwear daily, clean tshirt daily. Set it out as rules. It doesn’t have to be overly emotional or come with blame or finger pointing. Keep it simple and very clear.

I sympathise OP, this is a conversation I’ve had with colleagues more than once as the (male) managers don’t care.

She doesn't work

This is perfect advice. Stop asking ‘if’ she would like to use the washing machine - instead be kindly directive without telling her she’s a problem. Set up a rota for washing machine and shower. Perhaps you could say that it’s helpful for everyone to have a clear rota for hot water or something like that. I would also give her an area of the bathroom for her shower gel/shampoo/towel etc. You could also ask your son to remind her to use her washing machine/shower slots (as well as using his own so he models it to her).

Maybe bring it up from the position of making rotas now she's settled and you all enter a new normal. So, as a poster said above, there's a rota for the washing machine. It might not need to be when they each put a washing but when each makes sure all their clothes from the week are now in the wash, so everyone brings all their used clothes down at least once or twice a week. Then another one for the shower, when you plan more or less who goes first. You probably have this already set with the rest of you, but you can bring it up as a way to make sure she knows when her daily turn is and when it's ok to be in the shower without worrying people are waiting to use it, for example. Ask her what her favourite shampoo and shower gel are. I'd start with that before raising the issue of body odour, so just talking about routines and daily habits in a household with 5 people, who will need to organise themselves a bit more.

After a few weeks, if things don't change, I'd bring up the need to make a good impression at interviews, and that it will include clean clothes and fresh smells that show attention to detail and care. If she doesn't look after herself and present herself neatly for an interview, how would anyone believe she would look after their business or their stuff? At best, she would be giving the impression of being careless, rushing things, or leaving things unfinished. At worst, most people would not want to work around someone whose BO is so intense that it's distracting and a real problem.

Was just wondering this. Does she go out to work each day? It's strange that the shower/clean clothes routine hasn't happened for her/

I think if there’s neurodiversity there and she hasn’t had good parenting on this issue, you need to be kind but clear. Don’t beat around the bush, she won’t get your meaning if you do.

Tell her you like having her stay, that you think she’s a lovely young woman etc, but that as a member of the household there are certain rules she needs to adhere to. Tell her that her body odour is causing a problem, and that she must, from today, wear clothes once and then wash them, and that she must shower and apply deodorant every day if she is to continue to be part of your household.

Ask if there is anything you can do to make that easier for her to accomplish, but don’t give blurred boundaries.

Be kind but firm. You only want to do this once, so do it well, don’t fudge it. Good luck!

Given the education at schools about personal hygiene as nauseum, there is no excuse in this day and age NOT to wash regularly. UNLESS there is a mental health issue??? If it's just a bad upbringing but your son has already shown her how to use a shower (?), then she needs to up her game.
Sorry, not a pleasant situation to be in... Good luck

One way to save face might be to approach it from a different angle. If she's living in your house she [both of them actually] should be sharing chores. Hers can be cleaning the bathroom every day after her shower. A brisk non-negotiable. And then load a wash including her own stuff.

Wouldn't ever evict my own DC for not washing, but there is a reason why all these teens have been thrown out of their own houses.

My son who’s a couple of years away from being a teen is a nightmare for not getting a shower and unless I say here’s a towel you have shower gel and shampoo get a shower now he won’t drives me up the wall he literally came down about 10 minutes ago and stank i was abit mean about it and said your getting older now you need to keep up on your hygiene because you stink here’s a towel get a shower now cause he just won’t if I’m nice about it so he’s in there now

I would say if this was my own son of course I would make sure he showered and washed his clothes, his girlfriend is now part of the household and likewise needs to be showering daily and clothes washed, that is your normal. It may be that her normal was never given properly due to neglect abuse or ND however she is now part of the household so needs to adapt to new normal, which may in the long run be the making of her. Particularly respecting your household boundaries. If she does not wish to be part of the family and break her patterns I don’t see how she can remain in house without friction.