Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

Its not as simple as you make out, im in England with a severely disabled teenager, its not an easy process to get a residential placement, even if its deemed to be in the child's best interest

This is an incredibly sad situation. I think the only way you are going to get residential or foster care is if you simply refuse to pick him back up from school. They are going to try very hard to force you to be resident parent, up to and including legal threats and threats to also take your daughter into care. I experienced so much pressure just refusing to be my grandmothers carer, a tiny proportion of what you will encounter. So if it’s really something you don’t want you are going to need to refuse over and over again to allow him into the house.

In reality if you keep refusing and he is not inside your house they will then need to take care of him in the system, but if he’s physically with you they will not. The result may not be in the type of care you would want for him. But only you know how much more you can take ❤️💕

No experience of your incredibly difficult and complex situation, but yes that is about the gist of it
When it comes to childcare arrangements as and when it suits them in my experience

It’s a long time ago now but a boy in my sisters primary school had to go to a residential home as his needs were too high for the family to manage with violence to both parents and siblings (it was a special needs school - severe autism in both my Dsis and the boy but v different manageability.) He thrived in the residential and they visit him regularly as an adult. I feel from the post it’s essential a risk assessment is carried out with the disability child protection team in your area. It’s so hard to live with this situation especially with a divorce approaching. Finding my adult sister a residential home was hard enough aged 25 without significant behavioural issues (albeit still with some) there were v v few places but they do exist but you need to fight for them and show need. They can be a significant distance away from you- I was a child and family worker for a boy in residential home for reviews etc (was training to be a social worker) so they do exist but the LA don’t want pay for them if they can avoid it - harsh but true

I would also take the steps to put him into permanent care. It's not fair on you, your DH or your daughter. A terrible situation to be in and I wish you well.

I have a child with less severe SEN but still prone to bouts of extreme violence etc. so I can definitely empathise.

The physical realities of the situation you have outlined are not going away. Regardless of what you want, the reality is that already you can’t physically manage his needs and very soon it will be impossible to keep him, and you, and your other child, safe. It is a horrible situation but one which needs addressing right away, divorce or no divorce.

Social services may just never have seen a situation like this before. If you’re educated and articulate (you sound it) they also often dismiss you as less of a priority than people who may more immediately ‘not be coping’ ie: who are living in squalour.

I’d agree with another poster, you must speak to a SEN lawyer and come up with a plan of action. As with all things SEN parenting related, you start with what the scenario you want for your child is (specialist care?) and work back from there. Or contact the national autistic society. They have pro bono lawyers. Or you get the LA to pay for specialist carers to help you.

There is help out there. Please please access it. The people you have spoken to so far sound like they are fobbing you off and not thinking outside the box, because they think if they ignore you you’ll ‘just cope’.

Alternatively I’m not sure if you’ve explored medication to help with some of the behaviours. This helped with my child, we were worried for a time he couldn’t stay home due to risk to his sibling and terrible violence but he calmed down a lot with medication, but he’s verbal and can understand some things so maybe not same situation.

I know how much you love your child, and I can only imagine how overwhelming things must be. From what you’ve described, it sounds like it’s becoming really difficult to keep him safe and get the support he needs. There are support services available, but it may also be worth seriously considering full-time care through social services, with visits, so he can get the trained care he needs and you can get some relief and safety

I’ve got a similar situation. Ex just won’t have him despite a court order. We split before we knew the extent of his disability and ex fought me for residency but as soon as his needs became apparent he barely has him now for the contract he won in family court. We have a disability social worker. No one gives a shit that it’s all in me and ex does nothing. I had to put in a final complaint to SS saying I’m begging for help and getting none, that he last incident was him pushing his sister into traffic and if we don’t get help either he will kill his sister or I’m going to kill him. They ignored my complaint. Said all the things they said to you. I complained again said I’ve forwarded all correspondence to family with instructions to go to the press when a child dies. The. They gave me 10 hours a week restbite.

muddled in with that for a while and after a few more instances I said I just can’t do this he has to go to care. They contacted his father who said he would take him. Then when he realised DLA was pennies he said no he won’t take him. At which point SS just said tough luck you have to keep him and if you push this on safeguarding grounds we will take the non disabled child. I’ve heard other parents of high needs kids told the same- stop moaning or we will take the non disabled child to keep them safe.

it’s fucking disgusting.

luckily for us my son violent behaviour has reduced somewhat. Aimed at the house now rather than his sister. I still take a lot of it but it’s not daily.

I don’t know what to say to you. It’s cheeper for them to provide carer and restbite than a placement so they do give in when that will keep a child out of care but it’s a fight. I’ve been told GI to your MP. Mine was crap I was copied into the email he sent the LA basically forwarded them my email to MP saying “please deal with this woman”

oh and don’t forget society is going to judge you and criticise you for living off benefits due to your caring responsibility.

if I didn’t have my dd I’d have killed myself by now. I’m living in hell

I was in your position a few years ago with a son very similar to yours. I kicked my (high ranking police) exh out after he lost it with our disabled son.
he left and rarely has anything to do with his children now.

mu advice once he’s gone, call out of hours social care (as they have to act on it) be honest about how you feel and that you’re about to have a full blown breakdown (in my case true) and they will step up the care package.

not something I could ever say out loud but I felt like I was living a prison term with my son until he turned 18 and could go to appropriate housing/care. I know that sounds horrific to most parents but people don’t understand what we go through.

i got cancer this year and after a major fight with SS my son (he’s 2-2-1) 11yo now lives in a residential home where he’s absolutely thriving because he has the team around him that he needs. Hrs even talking now!

my life was being housebound as I couldn’t leave the house with him. I was unable to drive with him in the car because he would escape the inescapable harnesses and try to strangle me.

my daughter 9 would literally just stay and eat in her room for safety.

im basically saying “I get it” as people not living this life can’t even pretend to know what it’s like!

please DM me if you’d like suggestions on equipment that makes your life slightly easier and can get through OT like safety sleeper bed and fingerprint recognition locks on doors etc xxx

Social workers always say no as first off.
Find your local Send advocacy group, also reframe this in terms of your DD‘s needs. Can you keep her safe as her brother grows. There are also support groups for for parents at risk from their kids.
The support for DS needs to be sorted as separate or ahead of divorce and child arrangements. In all events it sounds as if you would need Cafcass involvement given that proposition is you are unable to care for DS alone and stbex doesn‘t want to

As I say, Michael Charles or Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors. Both will give free consultations. Regardless of the gaslighting, the lack of foster care provision is not your problem, OP. You do not legally or morally have to carry on.

Ok so a few things I would do-

• get a job- any job even part time but preferably something which can progress to decent employment. Otherwise he will be able to play the “I work” card;
• make sure your STBEX is pulling his weight- if necessary so you can work. From now on he does 50% of the childcare himself or pays someone else to do it;
• start as many balls rolling to get more care for your DS. Make it clear that you will not take no for an answer;
• get a good lawyer that specialises in SEND needs and placements;
• consider with your STBEX any solutions, even ones which mean taking the funds from your shared property to pay for more care if necessary. But make it clear that you are not going to be resident parent under any circumstances however much he pays you.
• document each and every occasion when your DS is violent etc.

I dont know but i really disagree with the change to society where parents cant give up a disabled child if they cant cope.
Especially as there is very little support from schools GP etc etc.
several of the sen parents i know have divorced. How can you help but argue when one often ends up doing kore and when you react differently to the child’s behaviour.

it does seem a strange world that has so many elderly in care where its accepted that someone cant care for them at home. But parents are expected to do physical care for adult sized kids

I am in Scotland where there is similar provision for children to be received into care voluntarily. The reality is though that social work will do everything to try and keep a child at home because 9/10 it’s best for the child if they can be cared for in their family setting. It’s not as simple as handing your child over to the state especially where there are complex needs and a specialist placement required. There simply isn’t a swathe of foster carers or residential placements waiting vacant for children who need care much less for children who are placed voluntarily by parents.

@SENSummer definitely seek specialist legal advice, a family law solicitor is unlikely to understand the complexities associated with care for children with profound disabilities because it crosses over from family law into disabilities legislation.

Sounds like you need some specialist legal advice and SEND advocacy.

Yes, I guessed so.

@jellycatspyjamas is based in Scotland. The laws are different there.

If neither of you can meet his needs then social services will step in, they don’t want to because they will need to have custom team care I suspect and that will swallow up a huge amount of money. If you can manage to share custody of your stbexh has primary custody you could negotiate with social services for respite potentially, my dh did when still with his exw, she basically presented that full time care would be hundreds of thousands (literally) so they needed 20 hours a week in term time and 50 in school holidays, they got it. As an adult she’s in full time care and it’s around £300k !!!

Your little boy needs to go into residential care, this is best all round for him.

SS cannot refuse, any child can be put into care. You are not capable of looking after him even as a couple, and you and dd will be at risk alone.

You need SS to take you seriously. Legal advice is the way to go.

I'm afraid my friend had to refuse to pick dd up from school to get them to take her seriously. She was at the end of her tether and ready to end her life. There was no need for it to get to that point, you are part of a society that is set up to help.

Can you divorce but still live together? Could you put up with each other enough for that?
Because leaving sounds horrific and worse for everyone, especially you, whereas if STBEXH isn’t a total dickwad then maybe you could make an arrangement work??

You cant just apply for residential schools, its not that simple, it is usually only a very last resort and the LA have to agree to fund it.

You are in Scotland? The laws are different in England. The OP has a legal right under s.20 of the Children Act to request her DS be fully accommodated by her LA. It’s possibly the same in Scotland that social workers, who do not understand the law, will seek to gaslight the OP, mainly in a bid to save money. As the law stands, the LA cannot refuse a s.20 request. OP, I would strongly recommend that you phone Damien Dobson at JWP Solicitors for a free consultation. Damien is a superstar and does a lot of pro bono work for families like yours and mine.