Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

This is excellent advice.

We have an 11 year old son with a similar profile, and we are in the process of looking at residential schooling because his special school is no longer able to manage and we have an older daughter who is really struggling with seeing me be subject to violence so regularly. He also needs so much support with medical care, personal care and life skills that we/school are unable to provide.

In order to get funding for a residential place, you need agreement from both social care (home is not coping) AND education (school also say they can’t meet needs). This really leaves you with two options: school can meet need and social care then seek a foster home/children’s home placement, or school agree they can’t meet need and residential schools become an option. Foster families are not generally equipped to deal with very complex learning disabilities (we were initially put forward for family-based short breaks for respite and the coordinator laughed her head off at the idea that she had a suitable family waiting to help - he was eventually given respite at a Barbados facility which is BRILLIANT).

I have to say though, this process is not quick - just the assessment and working through “brokerage” once everyone agrees the plan has taken over a year for us. You need to find the right place - somewhere that you can travel to easily - somewhere that feels right for your child. A number of residential schools have rejected us because his needs are so complex - and one or two have me the total creeps when visiting and I wouldn’t have boarded a budgie with them, much less my most vulnerable and loved person on earth.

All that said, please don’t despair. Has he been assessed by a LDCAMHS challenging behaviour specialist? We were referred into that pathway and got a fast track to a psychiatrist who prescribed meds to take the edge off his extreme anxiety (which was causing a lot of his violent outbursts). It hasn’t been a miracle, but it has enabled us/him to cope while we get a lot of other things in place.

We were initially offered 2 nights per month of respite. It was remarkable how quickly that increased to five nights when we started discussions about residential schooling. You’d be surprised what the local authority keeps up its sleeve for “emergencies” - we’ve had to be at breaking point a number of times before services have magically appeared. Five nights has made a huge difference. Fight for it - get your MP involved if you have to!

A few other things to consider: your son’s behaviour may change a little if your husband moves out. Children with complex disabilities have a remarkable ability to “sense the mood” and often their behaviour matches. We saw a significant change in our son when he had a change of teacher - a huge improvement. He is also still very small - his communication will be very limited and violence is often the way they communicate in lieu of words or other strategies - it may not always be like this.

My DH and I have somehow managed to remain together on this journey (helps that we had 15 years together before having children - met on our gap year), but it is brutal on a marriage. I am so sorry that you are in this position. If you ever want to talk to someone who is a bit further along the same pathway, please just message me. It is impossible to understand the enormity of caring for such a complex child unless you’ve done it yourself. Here if you need an ear/shoulder. Xx

I have no advice. But my mum worked in residential homes for children with disabilities in the 70s/80s. The children either lived there during the week and went home weekends or vice versa.
It was normal and the parents were made to feel guilty. It’s terrible how much worse it is now.

I am, yes. I’m interested to know where in your professional life you can ignore direct instructions and commit your employer to a multi-million pound expense, not to mention take responsibility for the life of a child, and not be sacked? Yes campaign for better, many social workers are very active in campaigning, absolutely challenge misuse of funds and abuse of power, but in day to day practice social workers have very limited decision making power. So accusing them of inhumanity when they’re working in, and against, the same system that parents are denies the realities of that system.

As LAs have been shown time and again, lack of funding, resources, staffing, etc. are not get out of jail free cards for failing to adhere to the law. It is not a lawful excuse for acting unlawfully.

Sadly, LAs will continue to act unlawfully because it saves them money, at least in the short term, and at the moment their unlawful behaviour does not have serious repercussions for them. Some parents don’t know the law. Some parents know but don’t know how to navigate the system. Some know, but for a multitude of reasons, decide not to go through with challenging the LA. When they do challenge LAs, it still saves the LA money and kicks the can down the road. It is reprehensible behaviour. All parents should be supported to advocate for their DC and enforce their DC’s rights.

Yes, I do. I’m pretty well versed in campaigning and I am part of several high-profile campaigning groups. I do understand about budgets and I do understand about hedge funds etc. I just could never be the person who, knowing the legal position, follows their managers’ instructions to obfuscate and lie to emotionally blackmail families who are in the pit of despair. Are you familiar with the extensive work of Professor Luke Clements of the School of Law at the University of Leeds, the UK’s leading expert on systemic abuse?

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, I can’t imagine how worried you must be. Something similar happened to an old friend, when it was the non-resident parents day she went on a two week holiday as she couldn’t cope with her daughters needs. So when it was her time she wasn’t there and couldn’t take her back out of guilt. It did lead to her receiving a residential placement as Dad also couldn’t keep the younger siblings safe.

You do realise that practicing social workers operate under the instruction of senior managers, who direct their work. They don’t hold a budget for care, nor can they commission services. If they’re told there’s no money what do you expect them to do.

Ultimately allocation of funding sits with your elected officials - lobby them to increase funding for childcare, or to bring residential care in house to reduce reliance on for profit care provision. But expect too see a reduction in other council services, or an increase in council tax. Blaming individual social workers for what are deeply embedded structural issues is unfair and unrealistic.

This is excellent advice.Mumsnet at its best.
Best of luck OP.

Did you challenge the small social care package and not being offered further hours? You can complain, ask for an independent review, and complain to the LGO. Depending on specifics, JR may be possible. If you have to appeal the education side of the EHCP, you can ask SENDIST to also look at social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary. Some social care provision is actually special educational provision so should be in F of an EHCP too. And you could go down the s20 route like @ThePieceHall has posted. No, not simple, not quicker, not easy, but possible. Sadly, DC whose parents know the system and how to enforce their/their DC’s rights get better support. It shouldn’t be like that, but it isn’t going to change in the foreseeable.

If you wish to pursue a residential school placement (some offer 52 week placements) and the LA has refused, did you appeal to SENDIST? It isn’t easy or quick but is possible to pursue it. Ultimately, it isn’t the LA who makes the decision, so them disagreeing doesn’t prevent you appealing or securing that.

What provision is in F of the EHCP currently?

Have you looked to see if DS qualifies for children’s continuing care funding?

Have you had a home OT assessment? This will help look at adaptations and equipment to make the house safer and better meet DC’s needs.

I absolutely agree with you, however the cost of placement does create a situation where local authorities are very reluctant to take a child into a residential placement and effectively assume those costs for the rest of their childhood, if not their whole lives. The cost of 13 years residential care for a child will run into millions, which is a cost worth paying in my view but when the council tax bill rises, people tend to be much less altruistic.

They are lying to you. Please read section 20 of the Children’s Act 1989.

She absolutely will not be arrested for child abandonment. Police forces are wise to the games played by manipulative SS departments and their social workers. A few of whom are on here. I find it shocking that the brainwashing is so extreme that the focus is entirely on penny-pinching under the guise of ‘keeping families together’. I often wonder at what point into their careers SWs lose their sense of humanity.

OP, you are in great distress, please do not listen to these BS threats. But you DO need quality legal representation. I’m glad that you have been in contact with Damien Dobson. He is the best.

What about marriage support - I only say this because I think separation could be even worse (especially financially) and i’d fear you could be left completely alone in a worse situation than stands currently

Me and husband work opposite hours to care for our children - myself working weekends in which husband does all the childcare. We are both in healthcare and the NHS offers flexible working arrangements for both of us which enable this. You would also see your husband a lot less if you could arrange something similar

The cost of the residential placement is not OP’s problem. The fact is successive governments have run down children’s social care and private providers, backed by private hedge funds, have stepped into the breach to provide residential settings for society’s most vulnerable children. The shame should be on the LAs, the governments and the hedge funds. Not the OP.

I’m sure they will threaten that, but in reality no, she won’t. Child abandonment is leaving a child without proper care. If the child is in a safe place with proper care and she says she cannot cope with him or give him proper care the police are not going to get involved. It is not unknown for disabled children to be abandoned in hospital for example. Parents are not prosecuted.

I just want you to know that it’s extremely difficult to get a young child into full time care. I was a single parent with him for 6 years which was horrific.

it took me getting cancer and massive fight with ss to get him into care. We are currently suing our local childrens services as at court we found out that our (very senior) social worker reported me to the Police for child abandonment and locking him in his room based on a report by an OT. There was never a report from ot (she’s lovely and is helping with our case) the SW has since retracted her complaint (and since disappeared) and it turns out she made that complaint to the police on the same day she got an absolute battering in a meeting!!!!

im basically saying, it’s not easy and you have to prepare to fight!

as for your husband, he sounds similar to my ex and just worked and went to the gym to avoid it. You won’t see much of him going on as if he’s like my ex “has a very important job and doesn’t have the time”

The fact is there are not the resources peoole seems to think there are and you can't simply abandon a child hoping to force the LA,s hand
The Op can ask for a carers assessment and early help to try and get respite but even that is not a simple process it has to be agreed at panel

This seems to be as the only realistic solution while focusing on getting residential care. You can't force DH to take your DS and he clearly indicated that he wouldn't take him no matter what.
I feel for everyone in the story, what a difficult and nightmarish situation!

"There’s no places in residential anywhere’
‘He’s too young for residential care it would have to be foster care at his are but due to his physical size we won’t find foster carers willing or able to deal with him’"

He isn't too young for residential special school. My son's school had 5 year old residential pupils.

They do exist as you say
But its not an easy or simple process and they coat eye watering amounts.

What is your advice to the OP? You seem to know a lot about this.

Oh my gosh OP im so sorry about your situation- this is the so so sad.. I can't imagine how awful and upsetting this is for you.. sending you 🌺

Then she will arrested for child abandonment, so thats not going to help .