Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

I need a friend like you !
As a Foster carer I cannot begin to tell people what our foster child's local authority have put us through over the past 18 yrs! people wouldn't believe me .

ITA with pp, who recommend getting a solicitor. I always had an education solicitor for tribunals and JR in respect of LA failures to make educational provision.

I used firms of solicitors with a franchise for legal aid in community care law, for fighting for social care. DD1 always got legal aid. It’s much less stressful to be able to hand dealing with SS or the ICB (DD1 got NHS Continuing Healthcare Funding eventually) over to lawyers.

It isn’t dismissive. It wasn’t attaching judgement or blaming the parents. One of the numerous reasons some decide (you may not like the wording or agree with it, but it is a choice. A choice you make. A valid choice. One some feel they are forced to make and have no other option than to make but a choice/decision nonetheless. The definition of choice is “an act of choosing between two or more possibilities.”) not to pursue support is because they don’t have time/energy to do so. Other reasons include the parent’s own disability or EAL &/or… It is why I said everyone should be supported to enforce their rights.

LAs absolutely do rely on some parents not knowing the system and law. That isn't saying they don't also rely on not all parents challenging their unlawful behaviour.

As I said, some don’t know the law, some do but don’t know how to challenge the LA, some do but decide (for a multitude of reasons) not to pursue it, some do know and do pursue it but that still kicks the can down the road.

@ThePieceHall ah that makes sense, sorry I just didn't make the link! The Fostering Network isn't particularly big in my (geographical) area though it's useful to be aware of people's experiences. I don't think you're rude, a little direct maybe, but understandable in the context of your experience as an adoptive parent.
Allegations from children in foster care are really difficult, in my experience most social workers are well aware of why children might make a false allegation, also that for some children it might be true in their mind but their perception is skewed due to previous trauma (eg a child feeling they've been physically assaulted, a FC physically moved them to safety) Though equally we can't assume that foster care automatically means safety, rightly from the feedback of some children who were removed and unwittingly were moved to people who abused them. It's not easy to balance.

I think that’s too dismissive.

There are many people, like my partner and I, who are well aware of our rights, but have neither the time or energy to enforce them all the time.

It’s not deciding not to pursue, it’s having the capacity to do so.

I think what the LAs bank on isn’t whether people know what they legally are obliged to do, they bank on them going away to cry somewhere else because they’ve ran out of energy to fight with them.

Thank you! I can never recommend Damien Dobson or Michael Charles highly enough. Sorry, this is a shameless bump for anyone with similar issues who doesn’t have the time to read through the thread.

Ah, just a (lateral thinking) suggestion not to. I don’t mean to be rude. You will think I am. Parenting does not exist in a vacuum. Fostering does not exist in a vacuum. Adoption does not exist in a vacuum. Disability parenting is bloody hard work. Just because something someone says does not tick a box on your clipboard doesn’t mean that it’s not valid. It doesn’t mean it’s not happening to other people. Again, I’m not being rude and hopefully not insensitive, but are you neurodivergent? I only ask as I have two care-experienced neurodivergent children who would respond exactly as you have.

@Hibernatingtilspring I pointed out I wasn’t taking about foster carers because despite me posting I wasn’t posting about them (my post was in response to another poster mentioning carer, not foster carers) you replied with “…have good reasons not to become specialist foster carers so just suggesting that if the LA pays enough money it'll happen just isn't true.” That is why I reiterated I wasn’t taking about foster carers.

A higher rate of pay, sometimes significantly higher, and sometimes coupled with other things such as a higher ratio, attracts more staff. For those using agencies, it also makes agencies more willing to be amenable. Nowhere did I say increased funding was the whole answer. Quite the opposite.

@2x4greenbrick I responded to you where I tagged you, my point beneath was on topic but separate. If you have details of these amazing agencies that can guarantee good, regular staff im sure many LAs would bite your hand off. As would the parents looking for the same to use personal budgets.

@ThePieceHall I'm not sure if you quoted the wrong post, I haven't mentioned that organisation, nor does our LA expect our foster carers to sign up to them?

Yes, care staff but not ‘specialist foster carers’. The latter I did not mention.

@2x4greenbrick in the first part of the post where I was responding to you I was referring to agency care staff.

Well, I could never recommend spending 21 hours in a police cell! And being ‘processed’ ie full body search, DNA swab, mugshot and fingerprints. It was hell. The problem is the system stinks. Social workers, the police and LADOs (local authority designated officers) know that there is a high preponderance of lying and false accusations among care experienced children and young people. To be fair to the kids, the vast majority will have foetal alcohol spectrum disorder whereby ‘confabulation’ or the inability to differentiate between fantasy or fact is very common. Still, we go through the motions. Our kids get cross because we tell them off, so they make accusations or allegations to even up the score. They don’t understand the consequences.

I’m not going to give specific advice because my situation was very different to yours. What I will advise is, don’t listen to SS, listen to your lawyer. It looks like you’ve been put in touch with the very best (sadly my lawyer passed away or I’d have given you his details). Stick to your guns, don’t be bullied or intimidated, get the best legal advice you can - whatever it costs will be worth it. Good luck xxx

I was actually going to say similar. My autistic child isn't nearly as complex, but did show a massive improvement in behaviour when his Dad moved out and things settled down in the house overall.

I would push for more help from CAMHS or whatever pathway you have to psychiatric help. Has he had any genetic testing? 35kg for a 5 year old is way off the chart for normal, so you could ask for testing for e.g. Prader-Willi syndrome if you haven't already. Hormone testing, possible medication could be useful too.

Is there a local carer centre that could give support? You do also need to consider the financial implications e.g. if you ended up with 40:60 care you could possibly struggle to work but also need to give your ex maintenence, and the DLA etc for your child.

@ThePieceHall I had thought about fostering when my kids are grown up but this sounds like a nightmare.

I said I wasn’t taking about specialist foster carers. Perhaps you missed that part of my pp where I explicitly said that. You can believe what you want. I do know how agencies work. Some can and will ensure there is a group of consistent carers rather than a constant stream of random carers. Not always small because some need several staff to ensure the shifts are covered, but I didn’t say small.

I have posted it isn’t easy, simple or quick, and that, for a multitude of reasons, some decide not to pursue it.

You would be amazed what happens when parents pursue enforcement action. For many, it is only when parents pursue enforcement action that LAs start to take notice.

Parents cannot be forced to sort PAs themselves. They do not have to accept DPs. LA arranged care does not have to be a stream of random people when that isn’t suitable. Of course, LAs won’t tell people that because it is easier for them if people aren’t aware of that.

We’re digressing slightly but I hope others will forgive me. This is a subject very close to my heart. So, you need to forget about the BS Fostering Network and you need to get your FCs signed up to the National Union of Professional Foster Carers. You, as a SW, need to educate yourself via Sarah Anderson of FosterWiki. The woman is a genius and takes no prisoners. Your FCs do not need to be exposed to the BS policies of the Fostering Network whereby all allegations should be considered as true, even if they are not considered by the police to be true. We all know how many care-experienced children and young people make false allegations. I have spent 21 hours in a police cell after my teen AD made a false allegation against me. The police decided no further action but CSC still put me through a s.47 investigation and an ICPC. My teen is violent, abusive, aggressive, steals and goes missing regularly. We have never had a shred of decent support from our LA. I learned to lawyer up and now I help other vulnerable families who are being gaslit by social workers and professionals.

@2x4greenbrick but that's the point, many people, like yourself, have good reasons not to become specialist foster carers so just suggesting that if the LA pays enough money it'll happen just isn't true. And I don't think you know anything about how agencies work in practice if you think they will guarantee a small group of consistent carers, not least because the turnover of staff in agencies is extremely high.

I have worked with older children in placements set up specifically for them, charging us 15k a week, with resi staff paid minimum wage and with minimal training and experience (despite our, and Ofsted's, attempts to enforce our agreed contracts regarding the quality of provision) Yes if the LA are forced to they will find 'something' but even at exceptional cost, what is provided can be exceptionally poor. Good quality provision takes long term government investment, and that is still lacking.

Please ensure you’re open and honest with all processionals about how unmanageable this is for you both. Talk to them each time something extreme happens. If this is tipping yours and DHs mental health over the edge present yourself in A&E.

@ThePieceHall I'm aware that some people do, though surely if you've done it yourself you understand that it's not something many people could do. Whether it's down to their circumstances, their wishes, or both.

A basic example for fostering is that the majority of people who foster do so after having their own children, and usually once their own children are older, or have left home (latter is more common for those caring for children with more complex needs) With the average age of people having children rising, that impacts on when and if people foster. We all know about the squeezed middle - women in their forties and fifties caring for primary age kids and aging parents - not many have capacity to take on foster children any more (that used to be our prime recruitment age) More parents have adult children needing to live at home, or the need for a home office, not spare rooms for foster children. More are looking after their own grandchildren because their adult children are struggling. The foster carers we have are brilliant, but it is getting harder and harder to recruit them.

Fwiw in our area if this was a family I was working with, my goal would be to get agreement to recruit and train foster carers for this specific child, possibly using an IFA to help. Whether that is with the aim of respite/shared care or potentially a longer term placement. Not easy to do, but it's something I'd managed to achieve once or twice for children with complex care needs where we knew family breakdown was potentially on the cards. At best you have a plan with carers the child and parent has already started getting to know, and at worst you end up with well trained carers who are in a good position to take another child.

It’s not an excuse for breach of law, but in practice - what can actually be done?

As much as we’ve never considered residential, we fought tooth and nail for a minimal amount of respite that when it arrived I had to organise myself. We fought for a PA, for just a few hours a week - again, sort it yourself.

We were offered a phone number for a care company that would send random people my son would spend his days tearing apart, or the “opportunity” to independently source a reliable person ourselves. Like I haven’t already got enough to do.

Fighting the system, which is absolutely broken, takes time, energy and emotional capacity that most parent carers are already running out of. Puts more things on an ever increasing pile.

That’s why it’s so easy for them to shirk their responsibilities. The people they’re dealing with are exhausted and don’t always have the “fight” left.

As I posted, as LAs have been shown time and again, lack of funding, resources and/or staffing are not lawful excuses for breaches of the law. No matter how much LAs like to believe they are and how much they would like parents to believe they are. It is why enforcement works, although not easy or simple.

@Hibernatingtilspring yes, my post was partly in response to your use of the word ‘bullying’. It was also about the use of the word bullying more generally - it is often used to portray parents as advocating for their DC in a negative light. Advocating for your child is not the same as bullying.

Posts about how to advocate aren’t about someone needing to ‘man up’ or raise their voice. They aren’t blaming OP or saying she isn’t doing enough. It isn’t saying it is easy, simple, quick or will ‘just happen’. It is about providing information. Knowledge is power. Sadly, DC whose parents understand the law, know what should happen and when, know how to challenge LAs and enforce their/their DC’s rights, etc. get better support. It shouldn’t be like that. Unfortunately, it isn’t going to change anytime soon. I know exactly how the system works. I have enforced my DC’s rights, including via SENDIST and JR, and continue to do so. I have also supported numerous others to do the same.

I wasn’t talking about foster carers. My post was in response to pp mentioning outside carers working in OP’s home. Agency carers don’t have to be random. They can be the same consistent group of carers. Agencies won't do this without the price tag to go with it, but some will for the right money. Or carers could be recruited directly (using a payroll company if the family prefers) using DPs if the family would prefer. No, it isn’t just about money; hence my post including funding a higher ratio.

Would I do it? No, I don’t have the time or capacity. I have 3 disabled teen DSs. All 3 have EHCPs. Two of whom have needs so complex they have EOTAS/EOTIS packages because it has been deemed legally to be inappropriate for provision to be made in a school. One has children’s continuing care funding. The other two have social care funded PAs (via DPs).