Divorce - disabled child- Advice please?

It sounds like relying on the authorities is all but hopeless in these scenarios.

I follow an Instagram account where a couple with 2 profoundly autistic teen sons live across the road from one another. It sounds mad but could you live next door to each other so even if he’s home at 6pm, he can basically be forced to take DS (by you walking him round and knocking on the door!).

I feel like if he settles down somewhere a few miles from you it’ll be far easier for him to shirk his responsibilities, pretend he’s ’still at work’ etc

I feel quite outraged on your behalf actually.

I’m sorry it sounds very difficult. I think you should ask Mumsnet to move your thread to the Sen boards as I am sure you’ll find sympathetic parents who have experienced similar and have some great advice.

There’s this article today, although it’s not very helpful:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/dec/31/violent-crimes-against-parents-by-children-up-60-since-2015-shows-london-data?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

OP, i am glad you are getting advice and sympathy.
No judgement here at all as your situation sounds horrendous.
In your situation I would do whatever you can to save your daughter and her future by doing whatever you need to do so that your son goes to residential care permanently.
I am so sorry.
These stories are really heartbreaking to read.

I have no skin in this, having no connection or personal experience of Priors Court, but I have been aware of its existence for 25 years.

Speak to them OP:

https://www.priorscourt.org.uk/

According to their website, they take children from age 5.

I believe my own LA must use Priors Court, because DD1’s last social worker talked about it to me it favourable terms. (He had been very senior in our SS)

Also, there is the NAS school Radlett Lodge. I know nothing about it, other than I am aware of its existence:

https://www.autism.org.uk/our-schools/radlett-lodge

It also goes from age 5. There is nothing to lose, by talking to them!

I know someone who fought for their dd to get a residential place, she became pregnant so said she was at risk and so was baby (which was true) It took years though, initially he was in a placement about two hours away. Then they said they couldn’t meet need and then he was in an air bnb with two carers round the clock for about two years before they got a space in a home about an hour away.

I haven’t read “Working Together” for years, because DD1 and DD2 are adults and come under the Care Act 2014 now, but the blurb here on gov.uk does refer to a “whole family focus”

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/working-together-to-safeguard-children2

“Working Together” is partly about child protection, and partly about the procedures for social care assessments of disabled children. While there can be an overlap, I don’t know what bright spark decided to amalgamate what should be two different assessment frameworks into one book, thereby confusing and frightening parents of disabled children, who should be under SS Children with Disability Teams? Read the relevant parts, OP of “Working Together” on disabled children social care assessments.

SS will probably try to focus on DC’s needs, but emphasise to them, they need to consider you, DH and the sibling just as much, in a whole family approach. I never know why SS ignore their safeguarding duties to the sibling? Well I do - it’s about saving money, but I don’t see how it fits in with their professional responsibilities?

I didn’t find parents need agreement from education and social services to get a residential placement. Social Services can be useless. We did win the tribunal on educational grounds; but the chair said before the hearing started, the medical evidence was almost overwhelming and the LA was going to have an uphill job to persuade them otherwise! (Our barrister told us the LA’s solicitor’s heart was not in it. He wound the chair up to boiling point) There was no discussion about social care and how we were coping or not.

We got an independent social worker’s report for the tribunal. She pointed out that SS was only focussed on DD1 and her disability. As soon as I went out of the room, DD2 became a carer to DD1. SS had apparently never noticed DD2 was painfully slim - with the appearance of someone with an eating disorder. (This is because she had been in the early stages of an eating disorder, after DD1 had been indecently assaulted in the classroom by a boy. DD2 had had a year’s treatment from CAMHS. Eventually she was referred to a dietitian to gain weight)

DD2 said to me, around that time, that when SWs came to the house, not one ever asked her how she was! There was never any “whole family approach” by them.

The educational psychologist also commented in her report that DD1’s needs were beyond the resources of most families.

The SEND tribunal accepted all our witnesses arguments, and ordered education to name the school, as recommended by the leading neurologists at Gt Ormond St and Queen Sq, as the only school that could meet her medical needs. I do not know what makes LA officers, who are jumped up pen pushers, think they are qualified to ignore consultants on medical needs (and I’ve heard this has come up in other tribunals) and why a court is going to think they are qualified to do so?

Education and SS did agree on joint funding though, but that was between them.

I’d say when the whole family is being woken up every hour of the night, and suffering post traumatic stress, that is beyond the basic expectation of parents. (Especially when a consultant physician at the the local hospital says they don’t have the expertise to look after DC, because of their medical condition)

OP - ask SS for a whole family assessment.

Thank you! That's really helpful @MamainWonderland . It might get to this although hope not.

To OP I thought we might be at this stage at 5/6 but thankfully ds did not continue to grow in size & strength and we split which seemed to help enormously. No black eyes since the split and only a bit of kicking/punching and pinching. Not so much in the last year so not curling up on floor for a kicking which would happen. Anger still there but with different techniques much much better so more verbal assault and some throwing objects/pushing and more stuff broken than people broken. It's so difficult and people really don't understand when you explain school, family/social situations and the danger to both child and other family members.

I hope you find a residential placement which sounds as if it would make you all far far happier.

That makes sense, I'll think about my wording more carefully next time.

It's inhumane when parents are desperate for support and there is nothing available. I got good support for my daughter born in 1998. Things are very different now. The cuts are having a big impact on parents, who used to get a lot more access to services like respite.

When I’m no longer able to keep my child safe, and/or well.

I am less concerned about myself, but that’s absolutely my prerogative and I accept that.

Only when I am unable to meet his needs and keep him safe from himself, would I say I’d hit capacity.

Thanks.

I do raise a child that allows for very little outside of doing so, and who has suffered from extreme sleep deprivation for all 9 of his years. Which means so have we.

I agree that an option to not do that should be available for those who want/need it, but also that it should be an absolute last resort. Language like inhumane does “get my back up,” because those of us have children with such high needs don’t always like the assumption they’re a burden.

At what point would you say it's beyond a basic expectation?

Sorry, who are you ranting at?

I’m not screaming into any void. Society, the government and the LA did not make our son high needs, they’re not the cause of his aggression, and whilst they absolutely could provide better support, they are not responsible for his actual needs.

Raising your own children for as long as you possibly, safely, can is not “inhumane.” It is not unreasonable to expect me to cater for my son’s (very complex) needs until I cannot any longer for either health, safety or emotional reasons - I’m his mother, it’s the basic expectation.

I didn't mean any offence. I have two ND children myself. I personally would find it inhumane to have to look after children with a level of need that meant I could do almost nothing else or even ever get a full night's sleep, and think that people in that position should be afforded support to have the option not to do that. I'm on your side here.

That's not what the comment said. It was a comment about unsympathetic local authorities.

For some, it is inhumane to expect parents to manage care 1:1 (or a lower ratio if they have other DC) when it is recognised the child needs a higher ratio of care. For some families, that can be cruel and cause suffering and trauma to child, siblings and parents. It can lead to the child &/or siblings not having their needs met through no fault of their own or their parents. It can lead to the child &/or siblings being put in dangerous situations through no fault of their own or their parents. It can lead to carer burnout and physical and mental ill health. It is part of the reason the divorce rate among parent carers is higher.

DS1 has 2:1 at all times during his EOTAS package. Some of the time is 3:1. His carers also have a 2:1 ratio. Yet outside of that time we are expected to manage alone/just me and DH. Despite DH working full time and us having other disabled DC including DS3 who also has 2:1 as part of his EOTIS package. It goes far beyond typical parenting demands.

Oh, for goodness sake, how petty and pedantic. This is why we get nowhere in the disability world because there’s always the martyr doing the whole ‘I’m going to take offence at every word they say’ routine. Jeez! Have you nothing better to take offence at? Like your local authority? The government? Society? I’m happy to accompany you screaming into the void. The poster did/said nothing wrong.

Please don’t refer to us raising our own children as inhumane.

Agreed. I've worked in a placement for adults with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour - it was hands down the hardest job I've ever done, and I got paid (albeit min wage) and could go home at the end of a shift. It's inhumane to expect parents to do that 24/7, and often alone with people who would be 2:1 at least in a care placement.

Agreed. But the professionals on here are bleating on about the council tax increases.

I agree. If someone like the OPs child was in a residential place they'd probably (I'm guessing) be assessed as needing 2:1 staff and waking night staff through the night and a rotation of staff who would get time off and paid holidays. Yet we expect parents to struggle at home on their own 24/7 sometimes with other dependents with next to no support or at best a paltry few hours respite a week which doesn't even take the edge off. And I say that as someone who works in social work (albeit adult not children).

It sounds so difficult OP, absolutely no one can judge you until they have been in your position. I really hope the solicitors you have contacted can help.

There are specialist residential facilities which the LA could use in your situation. I suggest you get in touch with SOS!SEN and get advice on how to get the ehc plan changed to 52 week residential care.

You may need to find where you want him to go then formally request it, go to appeal etc.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you you won't get it until you have been turned down at tribunal!!

I will happily be your qualified friend here!