AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

SIL did this. Never worked more than a few sporadic part time jobs. Claimed she couldn't because of childcare. Blamed her DH for not earning enough for them to live off.

Gave her parents a massive sob story how she couldn't possibly support herself. They subsidised her. When they died that cashflow was cut off.

It was a massive shock to her and now she is furious that she has to work to support herself.

I'm a less assisted sibling and I really don't mind ..I see the need and don't feel any jealousy. I do think it's important to show you value, love and are proud of your self sufficient 2 though 🫶

I have a lovely relationship with my siblings and I grew up in a family where my brother was the golden child and my sister was the baby, one a mummy's boy and the other a daddy's girl. We all know how it so often goes for the eldest daughter 🙃

I think a lot of it is coming down to expectations and entitlement.

If I were the single mum daughter and had to choose between this help to stay afloat and not upsetting one sibling, I know which I would choose. So I can see why the OP would choose the same. If it's all linked to the GC then surely it will only be temporary as well.

Its very clear that a lot of people are projecting. It kind of fits in with the same grabby attitudes you get on threads about wills and inheritance. Its pretty gross.

I think this is true. But equally people who haven’t experienced favouritism often can’t understand why this behaviour might legitimately be resented.

It all depends on whether it is a temporary thing or whether it reflects an ongoing disparity in the way the children are treated.

It’s all fine if child A fell on hard times 10 years ago and had financial help, then child B was ill 5 years ago and needed practical support, then child C became a single parent and needed help for a while. In this scenario, the parents are open to the different needs of the family at different times and in the end it evens out.

If, however, child C is the only one who ever gets help and consideration and the parents have a bit of a blind spot, it could be a major issue.

I agree with how you re going about this, but might keep it completely confidential from the others, if I could. How you spend your money is nobody's business.

I think what you're doing is completely unacceptable. It makes you a bad parent and grandparent in my eyes.

I honestly could not begrudge my parents helping out one of my siblings in your daughter's position.

I do have a sibling who has it a lot tougher than the rest of us. Single parent, hard working, like your daughter.

Unfortunately our parent is not in the position to assist financially, but I know they would if they could, and I really would be glad that my siblings was okay as our parent was helping them.

Anyone who thinks it would breed animosity mustn't have a close, happy relationship with their siblings.

I don’t disagree with helping disproportionately. Some people need help in different ways.

However, has it occurred to you that you might well be enabling certain (potentially poor) choices. I’m sure your other children would love to be in lower paid, less stressful jobs (which you are enabling for one of your children). By making it easier, you aren’t always helping them make the right choices.

Just be careful OP that you have saved enough for your own retirement. The fact that you don’t have enough funds to treat all DC equally means your money isn’t infinite and as some upthread have mentioned, I wouldn’t assume that the DC you have given money to will be your main carer in old age. I mean absolutely no one is obligated to be a carer, but I wouldn’t be surprised if your other DC are less likely to step up having had less of your time and input when younger.

But you seem to think it’s all fine and no issues at all, despite having posted in the first place so there we go.

Indeed they do.
However, if one child needs financial help due, for example, to breakdown of relationship or illness or being made redundant, how is this a parenting failure or indicative of a lack of independence?

YANBU , families are not always equal and you shouldn’t need to try and make them equal .

Its not. I have been on benefits and now have a job where I pay high rate tax. I have worked throughout. People have no idea how hard it is to get off of benefits through work and to feel the pressure of needing it to do it as soon as possible. Work also needs to have some sort of flexibility, if your child is ill or needs picking up from school then there is only you to do it.
OPs daughter is working hard but even if she's been topped up with benefits, it won't be a lot considering how expensive things like rent, heating and food is atm, it's just a shit situation to be in. My parents helped me a lot and now they help a lot less because I don't need them too. There really close to my siblings and help everyone in different ways.

I have been thinking about the recent post with one daughter being subsidised thousands of pounds for years and years. I think one reason it was so upsetting was that it had been deliberately kept secret all that time and the gift had afforded one adult child a better quality of life in terms of family time and less stress about paying for mortgages, childcare and expensive holidays than the other. Then when the unsupported child raised it with the parents her concerns were completely dismissed (but at some level the parents must have known it had the potential to be upsetting or it would have not been kept secret for all that time).

all situations are different, in your case it seems that it’s happening out in the open and if you didn’t provide help then the grandchild could go without essentials and it seems you are primarily motivated to care for a young child, and you have not decided that some your adult children are more capable than the others. You seem like the sort of person who would help your other children as much as you could if they ask or needed it

I think you're being naive if you don't think there's any resentment.
The ''little bit of jealousy'' you are seeing is probably the tip of the iceberg.

''We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others.''

That's an awful lot of help, which goes way beyond the basics.
Presumably if your daughter has a low paid job and no support from the dad then she is also claiming Universal Credit to top up her wages/rent, and would be entitled to free childcare if she is working?

Is it possible that she's being a little selective with the truth when it comes to her finances?

While I do agree with helping your daughter if she is struggling, if you're paying her bills buying your grand daughter's clothes and funding holidays, where is the incentive for her to look for a better paid job or become less dependent on you for financial support?
And if you are spending far more time with this grandchild than your other grandchildren, of course her siblings will harbour resentment, whether they show it or not.

Just my view. Plenty of people get by in the life without parental support as grown adults.

My Mum provides a lot more support for my brother and his family as SIL's parents are dead, not financial but a lot more time and effort with his family.

I understand why she does this but I do find it difficult in a couple of regards. Firstly, she totally denies it for some reason when it's blatantly obvious. And the other is as a result, she is much closer to those Grandchildren which I find hard to see.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but obviously your actions may have consequences in turn with the relationships between your children and grandchildren.

I agree that support doesn't have to be 100% equal, but I think that diagram doesn't really represent what the OP is describing.

And I don't think, using the box example, that it's ever ok to give nothing to one child even when they don't need anything. What about giving them something because you love them and want to spend time with them?

I disagree, I don't agree with the narrative of "you must help them all equally" because that makes no sense.

I understand if you're supporting one child to make dumb decisions or party and use drugs etc but when one child clearly needs more support than others I would hope my other siblings are gracious enough to know how privileged they are and be supportive of helping their siblings who needs help. I don't get this mentality of calculating every penny and every hour a parent spends on sibling A with expecting that you must get the same.

That's the difference between equality and equity.

If one my children is doing well and stable and he or she is jealous of me supporting their sibling who is clearly struggling, I would be very disappointed.

Don’t be so ridiculous! The child is employed, but relationship has broken down and is a single parent with no involvement from the other parent. How is the a failure on the OP’s part?

Really hard, but you need to address the fact that you aren’t present in other grandchildren’s lives, my kids were the forgotten ones by paternal grandmother, who even had the cheek to tell mine she treated them the same, so they know just what she is like! Her daughter was in minimum wage job, dropped out of school and years later she is involved with an alcoholic and mum is still bank rolling her despite her hubby earning £100k a year.
Your money you choose what to do but really unfair not to see the others as much.

YABU for not raising child to be independent and encouraging/enforcing that independence.

Toxic generosity

Often these patterns are not apparent to the people involved. They are so entrenched and have been going on for so long that people don’t notice. That’s why I’m suggesting that the OP reflects with an open mind. She could consider whether she has ever helped the others financially. Or whether she has different feelings about the ability of this child to look after herself. Or whether she shows concern for all her children.