Page 5 | AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

Whatisthisallabout1 · 29/12/2025 22:20

Why post if you won’t take advice. This daughter made poor life choices. But this doesn’t mean she or her child get more resources. You now need to even it out, you may buy new school clothes for her son but in turn you must then give the value in clothes or cash to every other grandchild. This is what my mother, father and mother in law do.

It keeps all siblings equal, we earn less than sister in law, mother in law still pays for school uniform for her daughter and mine.

my sister has 2 kids and is on very low income, my parents take a child each. I still get the value of this for my child. Obviously they don’t need 3 sets of uniform. This does mean I am better off. But every sibling gets the exact same amount.

You need to start counting up what you give in time and financials and make even or deduct from inheritance.

when I have needed car help 3k unexpectedly my mum gave it and then spent time allocating the same amount to my siblings when she could.

my sister had grubby bar stools and my mum replaced, the equivalent sum of was the same as my daughters birthday party so she paid that. It should always be even.

Mummyof2andthatsenough · 29/12/2025 22:00

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 12:01

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

My mum helps both me and my brother in different ways. She doesn't discuss it with the other sibling and we don't ask, it's not his business how I get help and it's not my business how he gets help. My mum is a grown woman who decides what of her money goes where when she can give it. I will say I'm the only one with kids and she does spoil the kids rotten, but I think that's just more of a grandmother thing!

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 21:56

SchrodingersKoala · 29/12/2025 21:00

You shouldn't be helping 1 unless you can offer the same to all your children. How have 2 children ended up in good jobs and 1 is left behind? I assume they had the same opportunities so responsibility needs to be on them to earn more, why didn't they do as well and end up in a low paid job?

Your other children might earn much more but it will come at a cost in terms of stress, responsibilities, time away from their children, childcare costs etc, that you just don't have in low paid jobs with your parents on hand to help, how is it fair they can have the low stress job and never worry about the bills?

I'd only help to fund training for them to better themselves, they'll never stand on their own 2 feet if you fund them forevermore and it will drive a wedge between siblings when you no doubt leave them more in your will as "they need it more".

That's uncalled for and none of your business

SchrodingersKoala · 29/12/2025 21:00

You shouldn't be helping 1 unless you can offer the same to all your children. How have 2 children ended up in good jobs and 1 is left behind? I assume they had the same opportunities so responsibility needs to be on them to earn more, why didn't they do as well and end up in a low paid job?

Your other children might earn much more but it will come at a cost in terms of stress, responsibilities, time away from their children, childcare costs etc, that you just don't have in low paid jobs with your parents on hand to help, how is it fair they can have the low stress job and never worry about the bills?

I'd only help to fund training for them to better themselves, they'll never stand on their own 2 feet if you fund them forevermore and it will drive a wedge between siblings when you no doubt leave them more in your will as "they need it more".

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:38

Bluedenimdoglover · 29/12/2025 20:28

You are giving the help where it's most needed. I'm glad one of your children understands this. You need to sit down with the other and explain.
A lot depends on the personality of the other child. If that person is innately jealous of others, there is nothing much you could say to change their feelings.

This

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:37

I can imagine .. but so wrong

BettysRoasties · 29/12/2025 20:30

shhblackbag · 29/12/2025 20:04

My children, her grandchildren take it very personally and it has completely ruined their relationship with her as they see it as she’s not fussed about them unlike that child so why should we care about her.

My paternal grandmother was like your MIL, and I felt the way you describe above. Tbh she didn't really hide her preference. She died years ago now. I was an adult. When I was told, I felt nothing. I thought the emotion would come later: she was my grandmother, surely I would feel something? Not yet. My cousins were inconsolable. I feel for them - for what and who they lost. But I didn't lose anything - because I never had a relationship with her in the first place.

I guess you’d already grieved the relationship you didn’t have so there was nothing left when she died.

I can see that being the same here. It’s sad but it’s her loss.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:30

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

It might surprise you how little some fathers get away with paying.

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

ForJollyLemonZebra · 29/12/2025 20:28

The father has to pay child maintenance.. this needs to be claimed..regardless whether he wants contact or not

Bluedenimdoglover · 29/12/2025 20:28

You are giving the help where it's most needed. I'm glad one of your children understands this. You need to sit down with the other and explain.
A lot depends on the personality of the other child. If that person is innately jealous of others, there is nothing much you could say to change their feelings.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 29/12/2025 20:22

Yabu.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 20:21

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 19:56

Thank you for all the different perspectives. As expected some understand my reasons and some dont, and thats what makes us all different. On a parting note, all my children have a good relationship, with us and my grandchildren all have our time and are very close to us. Just one needs us more than the others, and therefore we will continue as we are. 😘.

not sure why you started a thread if you are convinced you are right and not intending to change anything. 😂 You don't have to do anything but why start a thread.

There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings
as people already said, maybe not as little as you try to convince yourself, if you start a thread about it.

oldshprite · 29/12/2025 20:21

i doubt time spent with grandchildren will cause resentment. due to similar reasons, my grandparents never maintained a relationship with me, and i never cared for it, or for them for that matter

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 20:20

I would have gone under more than once if not for my mum. My brother was working full time and living with a partner who was also working and got less however when I was working full time and he was at uni I helped him out

And my mum gave him a decent sum of money towards a car when he passed his driving test. He doesn't resent me - he knows how tough things were for me at that point in time

m00rfarm · 29/12/2025 20:19

Your other children may like to stop their well paid work and do something less stressful. As long as you are happy to fund their lifestyles as well, then I don't see it as a problem ...

Salyexley · 29/12/2025 20:17

I'm 47 my sister is 35, we both get treated the same, end of.

Alliod40 · 29/12/2025 20:10

What you need to do is take no notice of the busybodies on here and do as you're doing..I've helped out my eldest daughter more than my 2nd eldest as she needed it at the time..financially..I have both my grandkids equally though from both daughters..and I will be looking after 2nd eldests full time in the new year..eldest is absolutely fine with this ..I would not see any of my girls go without if needed ..

shhblackbag · 29/12/2025 20:04

My children, her grandchildren take it very personally and it has completely ruined their relationship with her as they see it as she’s not fussed about them unlike that child so why should we care about her.

My paternal grandmother was like your MIL, and I felt the way you describe above. Tbh she didn't really hide her preference. She died years ago now. I was an adult. When I was told, I felt nothing. I thought the emotion would come later: she was my grandmother, surely I would feel something? Not yet. My cousins were inconsolable. I feel for them - for what and who they lost. But I didn't lose anything - because I never had a relationship with her in the first place.

Hello39 · 29/12/2025 19:57

Also curious what you would do if one of the other children's circumstances changed for the worse. Stop helping the current single parent so you could help them? Try and share out the help?

No judgement here... I don't think it would be in me not to help if I could. Even if that help was different depending on the different needs.

Original poster

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 19:56

Thank you for all the different perspectives. As expected some understand my reasons and some dont, and thats what makes us all different. On a parting note, all my children have a good relationship, with us and my grandchildren all have our time and are very close to us. Just one needs us more than the others, and therefore we will continue as we are. 😘.

OP posts:

Rosiecidar · 29/12/2025 19:56

I can understand why one of your children is a little jealous. It’s really difficult to understand finances and life styles; do you literally know your 3 daughter never goes out ? How does that compare to your other children ? Maybe the other child feels she’s slogging away, taken risks, in a job she’s not happy in that pays well…I don’t know but there’s a reason for the jealousy.

Roobarbtwo · 29/12/2025 19:54

VIOLETPUGH · 29/12/2025 12:01

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

No you aren't in my view at all

Loulouboho · 29/12/2025 19:42

I think you are a kind grandparent and a wonderful mother to support your third daughter like this and you clearly have a good relationship with her siblings given you can talk openly and honestly about this. Lovely to hear about a lovely human being and I think to those commenting about inheritance and splitting things equally it’s worth remembering love isn’t limited. It’s not about the money.

thedramaQueen · 29/12/2025 19:40

Applespearsandpeaches · 29/12/2025 19:30

No of course I don’t sit and compare what I spent on basic hygiene items for my minor children or start working out how much I spent on orthodontics for one versus tuition for another. They are my dependents and I do the best I can for each of them according to what they need at the time. They are children.

That’s a wildly different scenario to giving substantial amounts of cash to adults who have made their own life choices.

I do try and be roughly equal though even as kids - I wouldn’t pay for one to have a pony if it meant the other couldn’t have swimming lessons. I wouldn’t send one to private school unless I could afford it for the second one too. I wouldn’t make one teen get a part time job to fund their school trip and just write a cheque for the other.

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I think you're missing the point - sometimes what happens in life as an adult, for many is not a choice!

I would certainly help out my children when they become adults if they fell on hard times and I can afford it. I hope I've raised my children to not to be resentful if this happens.