AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

You sound like supportive parents everyone's circumstances are different and at times 1 child will usually need more help than the others this may change as circumstances often do. You say shes in a low paid job which is understandable as its probably part time to fit around her child. She could do with maybe upskilling theres lots of support out there for low income single parents to get access to training to lead to better paying employment maybe as a teaching assistant to fit in around school holidays. So long as she doesn't have any more kids id keep on with the support youre giving one day she'll be in better position

Also from September all children who’s parents are on UC will get free school meals so again definitely worth applying.

My mistake most people on a low wage with children get Uc and if it’s bad enough op pays for her heating I’d expect it to be minimum wage which means she should be entitled to a top up. So if she isn’t claiming she definitely should.

People fall in and out if love. Love cannot be guaranteed.

I do think more emphasis should be placed on the character and moral compass of a man before having children With him. The character will determine if he will be a good father.

The OP didn't say the daughter was on UC. She said that she had a low paid job. There might be a top up from the dwp but pretty sure the OP didn't say that in any of her posts

The problem you have as well as the grandchildren themselves noticing the difference in treatment form you to them and their cousins is, is your daughter actually trying to help herself ?

That’s a question you need to honestly ask yourself. Is she pushing herself to do more and earn more and be better or is she coasting along letting you pay for clubs and holidays and her bills such as heating?

If she’s coasting what’s going to happen when her child’s grown so less UC and you’re no longer here?

Don’t store up bigger future problems where she’s relying on her child to support her once an adult or you are put in the situation where you feel you have to give her your entire net worth.

Also sometimes working parents use clubs as childcare rather than because they really want to put their child in a club. Don’t confuse the two.

The father should be supporting his child and I'm not trying to suggest that there aren't absent fathers who provide for their kids. There are. But it can be ridiculously easy to opt out of paying child support - particularly if you are self employed and there's the potential to say you are poor and can't afford to pay when you can

I've seen posts from women recently on social media where they have been awarded sums like 10 quid a month from the CSA

My mum had a friend who's ex was a GP, he was self employed - he did locum work as well and as soon as they split he went off sick to avoid paying for their two kids. He eventually had to pay but got away with paying nothing for quite some time

When people say the father needs to step up - people obviously mean well but some women get very little

I think the key here is, is this truly a temporary situation. Or has OP planned for permanent help, when the daughter can and will no doubt improve the situation. Especially if she must, and financial support from OP is gradually minimised. The father should be pressurised to support his child.

OP likely doesn't have enough in pension etc to be affording this subsidising her daughter with no end date set.

The lopsided attention to some grandchildren, and some children, will and probably is causing issues, hence OP posting.

I'm a daughter, and I'm a parent.

I've seen some be purposely 'helpless ' in order to get attention and then play victim. I know this isn't the case here. But if a deadline isn't set, permanent reliance might become the norm, at your retirement cost. Not to mention siblings understandably being upset at the ongoing favouritism.

I know that favouring one child long term causes issues, and those who've sacrificed and not asked for help become understandably upset at the imbalance.

The OP has said that her other two adult kids have full time jobs and have partners who have full time jobs and can afford the activities. She's helping her daughter because she can't - why should the mum pay for all the grandkids? She doesn't have obligations to do it for any of the grandkids - she's doing it obviously because her daughter is single and in a low paid job while the others have partners and better jobs.

She would be paying for five grandkids in that instance

This is very glib statement. My ex gives hardly anything I have friends who are single due to being widowed, or have been left in enormous debt, or the ex has vanished or is in prison or not working etc

I think this is a difficult situation and I think you are trying to hard to help and I can see the motive. Your single parent child is clearly not spending it up! Could you invest in their career - more long term eg degree to help their earning potential.

I don’t know if explaining my situation might help ?
DH and I have combined a few children between us, my youngest sees his father from time to time but he doesn’t contribute really. DC1 lived at home and now lives independently- he lived rent free until 25 and we have had various conversations over recent years about him paying more towards family stuff. Eg he took it as we would pay for everything holidays, meals out and takeaways and he never paid for a coffee. He now out earns us and we have put a stop to the free loading - as it just isn’t fair.
We have other children at university and yes we pay for accommodation they are in hall of students houses etc - eldest DC doesn’t see this as fair - however he didn’t want to move out or move away or go to university away and left university debt free. The other DC we pay for their phones and accommodation whilst they are at university but that’s it. However their money mindset is different both work in retail part time jobs and both offer to pay for shopping etc

Eldest DC is very very money oriented and for example earns well but gave DH a book from a charity shop for Christmas and gleefully told him how much it was, it did raise an eyebrow but it’s the thought we have always said that. He paid £15 tops for everyone’s present - and literally rubbed his hands in glee like Mr Mean but we get this maybe be him or his ND or other and we can only encourage him gently out of it.

We can not compare like with like as all of our children are ND. Eldest DC moaned when he moved out about the cost of everything and then we discovered DH was still paying his phone bill and we stopped it / number 1 complained that 2 and 3 got their phones paid. We had paid his phone bill for nearly 10 years!!! We countered that his phone, accommodation, food, bills had been paid up to the age of 25 and phone to the age of 30! By 25 he had £50 K in the bank a highly privileged position. We also gifted him a large amount of money to buy.

Both 2 and 3 are at currently university doing 5/6 year courses so 1 complained this wasn’t fair. But DH & I had a frank conversations that we can’t be completely fair and equal. We just can’t. 2 and 3 are likely to be highly very highly paid / so will out earn 1. But we only paid accommodation.

Being a single parent is tough - same outgoing and half the income at least so yes I would support and invest. Because DH and I also believe we can’t take it with us. Our adult children 2 and 3 are likely to out earn 1 and we can’t compensate for that. Our eldest (and all our children - we have 4 are ND) is least likely to spend a penny, he has limited friends and social life and instead we invest time with him - listening to his moans and current intense topic of conversation, encourage skills such as volunteering etc we try to help him to do personal growth.

Having also been a single parent I can not express the total isolation you can feel. It’s not just 1/2 the earning of the others - she has the same out goings let’s say outgoing are £2 K and her income is £2 K and your children have an income of £4K and outgoings of £2K all of a sudden you have an extra £2K to save and earn interest, bulk buy (cheaper), more down time cinema etc to relax, and you get 50% of your free time on your own / so you get downtime. Your single parent daughter gets no down time.
It is not comparable.

So I would ask her if she wants to do a degree or training you can fund. I would do wrap around care from work or whatever for her (I’m semi retired) of your gran child and I would yes pay for extra absolutely - you can’t take it with her and until your a single parent you don’t get it. We have gifted DC1 money to buy a flat and we probably won’t have to do as much with 2 and 3 but will have paid for more uni, so we are trying.

We are going on holiday in the summer and all the children are coming. DH and I will pay 80% and DC1 will pay 20% (his share) DC 2 and 3 won’t pay for flights or accommodation but will pay drinks and ice creams when out and we have told DC1 he needs to buy some meals out - he is getting an expensive holiday and his own room. It’s all the little extras such as airport parking DC1 won’t consider and deliberately try to avoid but slowly he is seeing the experience is not just about money. DC4 is a teenager but has already offered up his pocket money. But you get my drift - in my mind DC1 will never be happy and we can’t treat them the same.

We are aiming and are in a position to try to assist all of them to buy a home and recognise we want and need to offer load money to avoid inheritance tax.

Hmm this is where in my situation it becomes unfair. Heating is a basic essential yes. But paying for clubs is where it becomes tricky. My parents pay towards and take my niece to swimming and gymnastics when they pick her up for my brother (other nights they go straight home). I have two children and cannot afford for them to both do multiple clubs - they both do scouts as that is low priced compared to other clubs. I feel that once you start getting into paying for extra curricular you should help towards all the grandchildren.

The bulk of what you are actually doing is to help your grandchild so they have access to activities that your other kids can afford for their kids. Plus heating bills

Fuel poverty is tough -been there.

Well all I can say is - I hope some people aren't in the position I was in at that point - and as I've said elsewhere - when I was working full time I helped my brother out when he was a poor student. He knew exactly the position I was in -and when things were better for me money wise a few years ago due to some events that I didn't anticipate - I gave both him and my mum some money - because I had it spare and I appreciate them both

My mum also gave my brother 2k towards a car when she retired - and she was happy to do that. He wouldn't have taken money from when her was working full time - and I only accepted money from her when I was desperate - and haven't needed to for years now

Sometimes life gets in the way and it can be very hard for people on the bare minimum. I'm also single and I have never lived with anyone who has been earning - it's hard running a home on one wage unless it's a really good wage and it's even harder when you're on the bare bones of universal credit

I've posted elsewhere in the thread. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I only have one sibling but for a few years I was in very insecure work or living on universal credit while my brother was working full time and living with a partner who was also working.

My mum helped me out at points - I would have struggled badly otherwise. But she helped him too - she gave him money towards a car when he passed his driving test.

He doesn't resent me at all - and when I was working full time and he was a student I used to pay his TV licence and give him money - he's been out of work in the past himself and he knows what it's like

It's your money - and you are helping someone who needs it - and your grandchild. You're not paying for them to go to the Bahamas. You're helping with heating bills

I understand what you're saying. For me it's not fair. My opinion.

She's supporting someone who seems to really need a hand and there are times in families where some kids struggle and others don't. I've been that person - either out of work or in very insecure work and my mum helped me when my brother was working full time and had a partner that was working full time

There was no animosity - if not for my mums help I would have massively struggled -I was living on 317 pounds a month at this point

This

I don’t think you are being unreasonable if your child would struggle without your support. My in-laws gave SIL £250,000 to move to a bigger house. Nothing wrong with the house they previously had - a bedroom for each of their children. DH never said anything but it did hurt. Completely different situation to the one you describe

Not the only reason but one of the reasons was due to massive financial favouritism shown to one of the sisters that we all cut her off when our Mother died. There is more to the story but the unfairness of that plus other stuff was too much. Our Mother also assumed we all got on.

Sorry dont agree with what you are doing

You have your favourite child and grand child and you give your time and support to them - so why would you care what your other DC think? I imagine they've had a whole lifetime to get used to this. I can't imagine your behaviour is any surprise to them.

This cartoon sums up my opinion on this one. OP I think you’re doing the right thing

I think what you are doing is ok. But I’m not surprised others have disagreed. Try to share out your time more evenly though.

Although I can understand this, and my in-laws do the same, it will most likely damage your relationship with your other children and grandchildren even if it’s not ever mentioned. My husband distances himself from his parents as a result, emotionally but also in terms of how much support he is willing to give them down the line when they are old. Although, he perhaps rationally understands why resources are allocated differently it causes emotional hurt as he feels they have chosen his sibling and their relationship with them and their children over ours. From my perspective I am just a little sad they are less close to our children, not because of the money, but because they invest more time in shared experiences with their other grandchildren holidays/ days out/ childcare (which also makes DH quite angry- no parent wants their child to be the less loved grandchild). If you can’t even things out financially I would definitely even it out time/attention wise. I wouldn’t do shared holidays with one child and not another and I would evenly allocate special grandparent days out like farm trips and grandparent gifts as kids definitely notice (if you have to give your dd money so any gift/
day out/club is perceived as being from her not you). You risks damaging you relationship with your other children/ grandchildren but also sibling/ cousin bonds. My SILs daughter had a festive meltdown that cousins had messed up “her colouring books” at grandmas house. She spends more time there so I get it, but it further isolated her from our children and BILs children. They still mention how grandma and grandpa took niece to Legoland but not them 4 years on…… Similarly DH and BIL are much less close to SIL than they were 10years ago but go above and beyond to see each other and have cousin meet-ups with their own children. We pretty much now only see SIL and niece if it’s a full family event.

You are always a parent regardless of your children's age.
I am a parent and I recognise these issues.
Your children are individuals and your support is tailored to them.
Your children are not all the same and they need to recognise this. OP said one child is bothered by the level of intervention that one sibling is getting, that is their problem not yours.
As a parent I would do exactly the same.