AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

I actively encouraged my parents to help my sibling buy their first home when I had no such help myself. I think it all depends on how the children perceive it. In your circumstances I would fully expect my parents to support my single parent sibling.

Sending lots of hugs and love ❤️ I'm glad you persevered in telling me your story. 🥰

As a parent, I just don't think you can see your child/grandchild suffer when you are able to help them, whatever your other children may feel about it. Isn't it reassuring to know that if you were in dire straits, your parents would help if they could?

My DPs supported my horrible DB throughout his sorry life, financially and practically, and also emotionally - loving him was so painful and exhausting for them, there was little emotion left over for me and my other sibling. We hated my DB for being such an arsehole - still do - but we totally understood why they did it and we never resented them one bit. They were loving parents and they did what they had to do in their lifetimes to deal with the hurt he inflicted. In the end they left us quite a bit more capital than to that idiot, which was nice of them.

I'm now in the position where, due to a chronic health condition, one of my DC requires regular financial support. I'm completely open with my other two DC about this and they agree with it - indeed one of them also supports her. I've made it clear how much support is from the capital my DPs left me, and I've handed over an equal amount to each of them, and how much is from my income - as and when it's needed, no tabs kept. When I die they will inherit equally. It's not their right to do so mind, it's what I choose to do with with my own money...

I actively encourage my parents to support my sister to buy a house. Our situations are different because mi husband is a high earner and she/ her partner both have good but not high paying jobs. We own our house… of course I want the best for her! I can’t imagine resenting a sibling who needs more.

I'm not in your position, though I'd probably do as you are doing if I was.

There's no worries x

Thank you. Ironically the reason that I'm better off just now is that I got disability benefits after quite a hard fight only until my leg heals properly (to next year) and then I'll hopefully be able to look and find work again. I've just graduated too. Was lucky enough to get a funded degree as I'm in Scotland and poor and did it part time and got my fees paid for me

I absolutely appreciate everything my mum has done for me - because my dad did the absolute bare minimum. I've not seen him since I was 3. Not a birthday present or Christmas present ever - so I really do appreciate my mum and the sacrifices she made for me and my brother - because she's not had it easy

I gave my mum 2k back a few years ago when I had money from a flat sale. I owned my council flat and it had to be demolished. It wasn't worth much and I bought it for peanuts but when it was sold I got the market value for it - also peanuts but I made sure I gave her something back - was the least I could do at that point.

My brothers dad is even worse than mine. Emigrated to Oz and hasn't paid a penny for him his entire life - so I really do appreciate her as she's not had it easy

Thank you x

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult time. It seems to me that your Mum helps you and your brother (which is what I'd do too)

Good to hear. That comment wasn't aimed at you.

I think it totally makes sense. I think naturally you will help more as you want to help your daughter and level the playing field. Even if she gets benefits etc its flipping hard paying for everything out of one person's income. Utilities etc aren't half as there is only one adult
I dont think a lot of couples prob realise how hard being a single parent is. Every thing's on you. Every single house job is for you..plus childcare/support etc and I bet said daughter helps you more as well?

I think this additional help works best when there's a goal set ie to give them the opportunity to retrain with a view to improving their earnings. Otherwise, in time, it will just be expected and that's where the resentment will creep in, quite aside from the dawning realisation that you're being taken advantage of and can't back out. She's clearly living quite frugally now but it's still a new situation for her. 5 years down the line you might not feel quite so comfortable especially if her economic situation remains the same.

I live in the West of Scotland and there are 14000 people on the waiting list for a tenancy in my home town but even private rented accommodation is cheaper here

I do treat people how I want to be treated. I gave my mum 2k when I had more money a few years ago and I do as much for her as I possibly can. Always have

Treat others how you want to be treated. It seems to be one way street for many now.

Aside from that you have a great rent. Wherever this is in the UK, the adult daughter needs to move there.

I'm not sure a lifestyle is helping your grandchild have a better life. The OP seems happy to do it. It's her money and she's made that choice

No it's not. Surely you understand that the OPs daughter is struggling financially? Despite having a job. There are millions of people who are in in work poverty.

I've been in in work poverty more than once in my life despite being in work. There are people in jobs who use food banks. That's the reality of living in the UK in 2025 where food costs a lot. Travel as well. Fuel bills

Lots of people are barely coping - particularly if they are in private rented accommodation where their rent is high

I pay 355 pounds a month for my flat - I know people elsewhere in the UK who rent from a private landlord and pay over 1k in rent

days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have.

literally in the first post, she IS funding her daughter's lifestyle.

OK, daughter is relying on top ups. How is daughter going to provide the same financial support to her child? If she doesn't it is hypocritical.

She's not funding her daughters lifestyle. She's helping her with heating costs and the costs of taking the grandchild to activities because the daughter is in a low paid job - did you actually read the first post?

If you are an adult and expect your parents to fund your lifestyle, will you do the same for your own children? And how?

I wasnt less financially savvy and I didn't make unfortunate choices - with respect you know zero about me. I was in full time employment for three decades until a few years ago and then I was stalked and threatened for over a year and ended up with ptsd and was too unwell to work - and just as I felt well enough to work again and I got a job offer I had a triple leg fracture and couldn't take it up

My mum does not favour me over my brother on any level whatsoever. The fact that she gave him two grand when he passed his driving test would bear that out

She also helped him when a long term relationship broke down a couple of years ago - he moved back in with her for 18 months and he saved enough money for a deposit on a flat - he was completely grateful and she was happy to help him out

She's never favoured one of us - she's helped us both when we have gone through tough times..

Hopefully that clarifies

The OP is clearly not going to change her mind about anything - which does make one wonder if her other children would bother raising the issue..

But one other thought I had on this is that I think helping a child get on their feet is one thing but long term dependency is another. In the OP's position, I would look to find the DD to retrain into something suitable not just subsidise her indefinitely

Sure. I get what you're saying. But imo if I have 2 children they all get the same financial assistance.

No favourites just because one is less financially savvy or makes unfortunate choices or makes choices which lead to penury

Both children get the same

Also just to say OP. If you are in Scotland which I'm not assuming you are - if someone earns less than 25k a year in household income they can do a part time course. I've just finished an open University degree. I got it fully funded. There's similar schemes in Wales and NI. Unfortunately not in England -although I know a lot of English students who are doing ou degrees and fund it through a student loan - just incase the info might help your daughter or anyone else in that position

Yes you're right. She should make sure she's getting everything she's entitled to. Absolutely

Some people don't always show their awful side before they get married. In my mums friends case the relationship fell to bits after they got married - they had been together for a long time before and my mums friend actually left because he pushed her son into a door. He smacked his head and he refused to help him - and he's a GP.

He was also charged with a breach of the peace after he assaulted her in her new home. She was told by police the likelihood of him being convicted was very slim because of who he was in the community but he was

I really have zero objections to my dad refusing to pay for me until forced to -because the pittance he paid barely made a difference. The issue I have is that my mum struggled and he could have helped more because he has money. My dad has another family that he did support and acknowledge but that's up to him. He made his choices and my mum was and is a fantastic parent and person.

My dad was a good father to his son by all accounts but not to me and some people are like that - they'll treat their second family better than their first