AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

That’s my view. That you keep things fair between dc. You don’t have to agree with it, but that’s my position.

Over the years I have seen favouritism and it always ends up with division/estrangement and poor relationships between siblings eventually. It festers quietly in families. I think you can offer help and support without paying for holidays and luxuries. That is less likely to be an issue.

Most parents are aiming for independent, confident dc that can manage their own lives and finances.

I would feel like I have failed tbh. Op needs to encourage her dc to be adults snd start weaning, she isn’t doing them any favours in the long run as they aren’t fully functioning - and she won’t always be around. I also question the motives of the rescuer mother playing the role of benevolent life saver….be supportive but move towards adult independence.

Then why ask the forum?

my response is you treat all adult children and grandchildren exactly the same.

I can assure you from my own experiences, adult children will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Their siblings may know very differently to what you are being told or ‘think’ this or that.

just treat them equally. If you are unable to do that, then don’t do it at all.

Or maybe a strong vibe that many parents can't comprehend how it's possible to have favourites, how you a mum (or dad) can subsidise one child and ignore the others.

I just don't get it.

More likely a strong vibe from those who don't mind justifying favouritism towards some of their children.
I've read this whole post as a daughter, as well as a parent.
And I still can't justify long term help, only short term as needed, and with communication with the other sibling/s.
Because after we're gone, they have to survive and get along.

Helping each of the children at different times, according to need, and with transparency, is wonderful and to be commended.

Helping just some of the children, and ensuring therefore they continue to be weak and vulnerable, long term, is not ok. It also could lead to sibling rivalry.

Secrecy like the other thread makes it so much worse.

So no, as a parent, I feel only temporary and transparent help is fair. No rewarding bad situations long term, or weak character, and no punishing those who've been strong and resilient. But sudden situations that are completely unfair and need support, definitely warrants temporary help within reason and could certainly be life changing and appreciated.

I have commented on your post earlier. But in case anyone else doesn’t say it - can I just say you sound like an amazing mum and grandparent - really lovely of you as it sounds like family is front and centre. They will appreciate it.

I've never felt entitled to my mums money ever. She helped me when I was desperate and I repaid her. Some people are poor - on the bones of their arse and your post is really unpleasant

Hope you feel good posting that

There is a strong vibe amongst the MN community that feels entitled to their parents money and time, despite being full grown adults. It’s a bit unpleasant isn’t it?

My in laws gave thier daughter 5k for a mortgage and a few years later 5k to. The son for his wedding. So they both got when needed it... If he had got it at the same time of his sister he would have wasted it on crap as he was younger and daft. So as parents if ur kid is struggling and the others aren't at the moment of course u help the struggling one out at the moment... If and when the time comes the others can be aided and maybe the one helped more can recieve less finances on the will. To compensate. It should be openly discussed as a family so no animosity arises

It's not the same at all when it's YOUR decision.

It's parents who treat their kids unfairly, and have obvious favourites who start unpleasant and unhealthy competition and jealousy.

Rewarding the one who does the least is never going to go down well. That's now how you raise your children if you want them to be close.

I am not talking as a jealous sibling, but as a mother!

Same. So many posts on here I detect an almost competitive and jealous vibe between adult siblings as though petty childhood sibling rivalry never left them.

I gifted my entire share of inheritance from my DF to one DSis as it felt the right thing to do to enable her to buy a small home outright. Me and our other sibling had higher paying jobs, were well sorted for housing and in stable marriages etc. My siblings are among my very closest friends and I’d trust them with my life, so was happy to help make her life better in that way. I certainly wouldn’t have begrudged her if my DPs had been regularly helping her out financially either.

When the other kids have partners and have plenty money - I don't think so. The holidays could be two days in a caravan for all we know

Stop making people feel shite for trying to help someone that's struggling

Don't be ridiculous. Bankrolling just one kids' holidays IS going to be an issue!

I would offer childcare and time, support etc, I would hesitate to fund luxuries such as holidays. That is going to be the sticking point. Provide bare essentials of course, and make it clear to siblings you do not want your gc to starve, but you do not pay for pure luxuries, no. That is where the resentment will fester, trust me.

I'm so surprised about some of the judgmental comments here, albeit that you have asked for them so fair enough, but if you’re a single parent you are going to be more in need of childcare to get a break so you can go out occasionally, get to work etc. It's not easy with 2 parents and my husband and I rarely get to go out by ourselves so I can see how lovely it would be to have someone offer to have them but we have never had that, but I can go out when my husband is home and vice versa. For those saying contact the dad for child support we dont know the circumstances, sometimes it's not safe to do so, we don't have context on what the relationship was like. Eg abusive men would be best uncontacted. As for those mentioning inheritance...have a word with yourselves. Since when has that become an entitlement. Let's celebrate a woman who is trying to help her most struggling child while she can. The help won't be there forever and hopefully a better job will become more available as the grandchild gets older.

The other dds have good jobs and so do their partners. I think the OP is getting a very hard time over this. I'm poor and as I said previously if my mum had not helped me I would have gone under.

My brother doesn't resent me on any level and I've paid my mum back when I had the money to do so

It's hard being poor and it must be harder being poor with a child

Hi op you do you but just out of curiosity does your dd not get any uc top ups? Usually single parents on low income get additional benefits if they get these then you also help her financially then yes it seems unfair but at the end of the day your going to do what you choose but put yourself in your other dd shoes.

I hope the relationship stays good with the siblings because i wasn’t bothered that my In-laws spent more time/money on their daughters children (i could see she wanted it so she could have more time out to herself). They took grand child on holiday with them , see Santa at Christmas etc but never offered ours to come. however it did hurt my husband and there is resentment to the point that he was were never able to discuss with the parents and ended up resenting his sibling as well as the parents. Now this is where it’s interesting the grandchildren are grown up and the parents are older and want to see my husband/our children more but there is now no relationship. My husband says lets his sister do all the running around for them because he says they were not involved with us when we could have needed help. So SIL is now resentful that he does nothing for them he sees it as payback for them always helping her and not us. The whole thing is awful and they don’t talk but were once close but because the parents made such a difference between them/their grandkids it’s created a massive family rift between the siblings. This didn’t happen over night but over time so be careful OP you could unknowingly push the siblings apart

Why don't we get upset at the cost of childcare or the fact that some employers pay awful shit wages?

I worked in a homeless unit 25 years ago and when I went for a part time job with them and they said to me at interview you know it's min wage and you'll be getting 5.45 an hour - and what's changed years later? - very little

It's really depressing tbh

Fair doesn't mean equal- my sister needs a lot more support than I do. My parents help her with money, household jobs, childcare, and many of the day to day logistics of life. Sometimes it hurts that they have less time to spend with me and my children because they are so heavily invested in supporting her, but it's not a matter of love, it's a case of meeting needs- hers always have, and likely always will be, greater than mine. I wouldn't trade places with her and don't grudge her the help she needs to survive. Your third daughter is lucky you have the time and resources to help, and the other two are luckier still to be able to stand on their own two feet.

Why does she need to level the playing field. She has no reason to have to support her other two kids who are married to people who have good jobs and have good jobs themselves

Is she expected to bankrupt herself just so one of her kids isn't upset?

She's to stop supporting her daughter who needs it just because she's not supporting the other two who don't need the money? What a take

The OP has made it very clear that she does a lot for all the grandkids and she's helping her daughter out because the others are financially stable. I am astonished that she's getting flack for making her own decision

What your children say to you, and how they actually feel could be miles apart! Most of us are too polite to make an issue of things, but are quietly noting the discrepancies. I would aim to level the playing field op. If you don't do that, and things become really difficult later on, then you only have yourself to blame.

What a minefield!
I think you are being unreasonable in giving more - money, grandchild time, to one of yours.
Because the others or one of them in your case, feel they are less loved/ cared for than another sibling who perhaps has not been as careful as they have. It's not fair!

I don't think it will last, even if they are superficially tolerating it now - or even genuinely feeling okay about it now. You are creating a very unequal basis for any relationship. It is likely to blow up in the future. Good Luck!

My sister has been unwell and my parents give her financial support every month . I think that is absolutely great - I know they love me just as much - it is just my sister needs the extra support at the moment.