AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

Do you refuse to provide childcare for the others (or make it clear you can’t offer them more)?

I can see why you’re doing it and I can see why it might breed resentment. I think having one DGC more than the others is particularly problematic. There’s also the issue of the extent to which your help might stop your DD from realising she needs to make significant changes and haul herself out of the hole she’s in - and the extent your other DC and DGC might feel penalized for better decision making.

I can see the argument about wanting you DGC to have a decent childhood, and ones about helping a DC out of a hole but think if you are matching a more than decent childhood that their cousins get because of their parents’ life choices, and/or if the intention is long term support that’s far more problematic. You should also consider what you’d do if one of your other children screwed up or fell on hard times - if you can’t afford to do this for more than one dc, that will be a pretty vicious blow.

I think you need to talk to the child who feels a bit jealous and work out exactly why. It might be something you can solve without needing to stop supporting your DD who you feel deserves it.

There seems to be an abundance of threads where adult children appear to be unable to navigate adult life and be financially independent. It is a shame as independence and resilience are one of the best gifts a parent can bestow on their children.

I believe all children should be treated equally, the only exception would be a severely disabled child.

If kids are brought up equally and one adult child fails to take advantage of opportunities or makes poor choices, they really shouldn't be bailed out at the risk of damaging family relationships. It is basically rewarding poor behaviour.

Your scenario is different as it sounds like you have been transparent from the get go with all your kids.

Where YABU is holidays and time. Holidays are a luxury - if they can’t afford it they can’t afford it - many people don’t take holidays as they can’t afford them. The money from holidays for your single DD will be better as days out or emergency help fund for your other DC’s

Also time - seriously BU they all deserve your time -

If one DC is growing resentment have you asked why - maybe they are seriously struggling and therefore resent seeing their sibling have days out and holidays from the bank of mum

I think the main issue isn’t the money per se, but the time and energy being distributed unequally amongst the children/grandchildren. I’m a single parent, and wouldn’t expect to get any more than my siblings would get from my parents in terms of time or money.

It all seems sensible to me.
If I had a struggling sibling, I'd be glad to see parents helping them out.

Personally I think it is impossible to be 100% balanced between your children , unless you refuse to help any of them.

As long as all your children understand that they could also come to you for help should they encounter similar adversity e.g. divorce, single parenthood, sudden job loss etc. I don't think it is unfair or displaying favouritism.

YANBU.

Would you watch one grandchild doing without financially and emotionally while their cousins were living in relative wealth? Each to their needs surely. Hopefully the siblings realise how lucky they are to not need financial help.

Nonsense. It’s about parity.

Your situation is different from the one posted by the OP whose parents gave her sister a very large monthly allowance to bring her household income up to the level of the OP's high salary. The sister worked very part-time in a hobby job and her husband also worked very part-time as a self-employed garden designer. The sister could then afford new cars and long-haul expensive holidays.

Your daughter works very hard but in a low paid job and she is a single parent with no support from the father (she should chase him for maintenace via CMS though). Your contribution doesn't enable her to live luxuriously.

I presume that you look after this grandchild more because you are their only grandparent. Would you like to look after your other grandchildren more? Maybe that would help with the resentment from one of your adult children.

My family has had a sort of similar situation going on in the past, though it changed a few years later. I don’t care about the financial stuff, we don’t need help and I’d have to be a pretty shit person to object to my nephews having a warm house and clothing and the opportunity to go to beavers while my own kids have all that and a lot more.

But I would care if my parents had a lesser relationship with my children than my nephews or chose to spend wildly different amounts of time with them - that to me would feel like having favourites or loving my sibling and nephews more. Sometimes differing amounts of time happen because of geographic distance (we have cousins abroad who are seen less often because they’re a long haul flight away) or particular ill health challenges or something but otherwise I think it’s really unfair to always pick one grandchild over another for your time and attention.

Did your third DC’s partner become an arsehole during/after pregnancy or was he an arsehole before? Does she claim CMS from him?

Have you considered offering evening babysitting to your DC that you currently don’t financially assist? Both to build a more equal relationship with you GC from those DC and to save them money/contribute towards their lives in other ways?

I was always financially independent, where my sibling needed more assistance (for valid reasons), but I would have loved to be able to go out with my DH more, or away for the weekend etc, to reconnect and get a break, but overnight babysitters were hard to come by/prohibitively expensive.

If you, &/or the sibling receiving financial assistance offered support in that way, you could even out the “giving” and potentially prevent any feeling of mistreatment/favouritism.

The difference between your situation and the other thread is lifestyle. In that situation the daughter being given financial help was in a two-income household where they’d chosen more easy-going jobs and because of the financial top up were essentially enjoying an even better lifestyle than the op because they got the chill work/life balance AND the income that goes with more stressful jobs because of the significant extra income from parents.

In your situation there is the difference of your daughter being a single income household, plus she is working hard full time. Yanbu and the two situations aren’t comparable.

fuck that, the others need to open their eyes and show compassion on the situation being different from their own.

I think YABU
it is unfair especially with the time spent with the grandchildren
it will lead to resentment
holidays aren’t a right - when we couldn’t afford a holida we didn’t go on one
why can’t your child who is in low paid work look at trying to improve that? Does she stay stuck forever? She needs to pursue the father for financial help
what happens when you can no longer afford to supplement?

I think it’s pretty shit to be honest. Fair enough to provide financial support and childcare for a defined period to help one of your kids improve their lot or get back on their feet, but to indefinitely give one child more money and time (obviously barring something like disability) is unfair and I’m not surprised one of your kids is annoyed about it.

This gets my back up. At the very least you can be giving your other grandchildren the same time with you. At the most in your will you should give the other children a percentage more to reflect how much extra u give dc3 right now. This is so unfair on all levels. Dc3 has no incentive to get a better job. She is reliant on you. Good for her for not frittering money away on drinking and smoking but sounds
like she needs to be putting this time to good use and retrain for another job while u can be so generous and supportive. The other child is rightly jealous. If she suddenly stopped working or couldn’t work would you give the same then. This is how families break, ur other grandchildren will notice the favourite. That is how they will see it. Gross behaviour. It’s no that child’s fault that dads family is in the picture but nor is it the other grandchildren’s fault either. I think you are being extremely unreasonable and if you can’t see this it shows really your priorities are not in the best interests of ALL your family.

You’re creating a rift between siblings, and when you die your 3rd child will not have siblings to lean on because of the resentment caused.

It’s not the monetary value of the help, it’s the emotional side. Prioritising one grandchild and looking after them more than the others will absolutely cause your children to resent your 3rd child. You should offer the same emotional bond to all grandchildren or none.