AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

This is crazy. You’d leave a struggling adult to go without because other adults have enough? If it breeds animosity, you haven’t raised your children right.

I think YANBU at all.Money/ child care is needed differently by children at different times .I think your plans are fair .Whether we think so or not,life is not an equal path for everyone .Some need more help .They are family so should understand .Even on the other thread ,some people were commenting that it was unfair.I disagree .Not everyone is able to hold down a corporate job .Teaching Yoga is worthwhile ,they are not sitting at home being "kept"

I think it's awful to punish the children who work hard and have done ok, and to focus financially on the one who earns less. It's never good to play favourites.

Your grand-children will grow up knowing that you favourite their cousin, and everything was always for the cousin. Kids are not stupid, they know.

I am not surprised there's a little resentment. You have chosen your favourite child and you make it obvious. It's cruel.

days out, holidays, activities. and nothing for the others? wow

I get you don't let one child starve and without heating (but surely if they work full time as you said, they can't be that destitute!), I get helping with chilcare ALL THE CHILDREN so they don't work for nothing

but instead of focusing one one grand-child, I would spread it more evenly, or invite them together or something.

I couldn't treat my own kids that unfairly, I don't understand people who do, and reward the child who works less, or made different choices.

You seem sure that YANBU, that you are right in what you're doing, and you seem absolutely certain that there's no sibling resentment. What's the point of this being in AIBU?

It’s not fair for you to prioritise the one grandchild over the other grandchildren. They are being penalised for having parents that are together.

I would never ever do this. YABU.

My parents do this with my sister. I am a bit resentful as my sister gets to make life choices without thinking about money. Her DH chooses to work 4 days a week as they have their rent paid by my parents, she’s pursued a low paying passion career and taken ten years to settle into that.

I immediately went into a corporate job out of uni as I needed to be able to pay rent and then a mortgage. I’ve made sacrifices in life to chase promotions and higher pay to be able to afford things that my sister has paid for for her.

I don’t want anything but 50:50 inheritance as I don’t need more money and I’ve made my life choices. I would’ve made different choices if my parents were going to significantly subsidise me. I’d even go down to 4 days a week at work if they paid me the same as they pay her now, but they can’t afford to do it to both of us, and my sister now couldn’t afford to live if she had her parental funding halved between us.

Do I resent it? Yes. Have I made peace with it? Absolutely. Is it fair or right? I don’t think so.

I can understand why the other siblings could feel they are valued less. Like it or not, this kind of support will feel like favouritism.

Are you doing anything to help improve the prospects of the struggling sibling? Encourage CMS payments, claiming what they can or supporting them to up-skill and increase earning potential?

I'm torn, on one hand I feel like I’d be really annoyed if my parents were able to afford to help out with childcare and holidays etc for one child but didn’t help me at all.

On the other hand I realise that my mum does this to a lesser degree with my brother. She lends him money all the time and he will not pay it back. Eventually she falls out with him and wipes the slate clean. Then they make up and it starts all over again. She’d given him so much money but she never learns, however I out earn my mum and I would never expect her to give me the amount she’s given him. She’s also not doing it freely. He knows how to push the right button to get money - kids need food, need gas and electric - need medicine. So she feels unable to say no. I don’t feel resentful at all, I feel sorry for her as she can’t afford it and I think he is taking the piss,

I personally don’t think I would give so much money to one child but not do anything for the others. Do you really need to pay for holidays? I’d probably help with basics to keep them fed, clothes and warm but I don’t think I’d be paying for luxuries that my other kids probably have to budget and go without for

Not unreasonable in my opinion. Wouldn’t bother me if my lower earning sister got a bit of help from our parents. Anything my sisters can get, good for them!

This. I’m not sure why you are so resistant to the idea that a situation you’re perpetuating might have long-term ramifications for the relationships between your children.

As a child of parents who have always treated my DC differently to their cousins trust me there will be resentment and your protestations there is not scream denial.

even if you don’t care for spoiling the relationship between you and your other DC/GC don’t be part of spoiling a relationship between siblings and cousins.

I know my parents helped out my siblings when they were going through tough times. I was never told, but it’s none of my business. I’ve never felt resentment towards them, my parents or my siblings. I was fortunate in having a well paid job and in a good relationship, them not so.

So will the DD receiving constant financial payments receive less inheritance?

How do you know your other children aren’t having to put their costs for holidays and cars onto credit cards and loans?

I genuinely suspect there is some resentment from the siblings who are working hard/juggling paying their bills too and trying to save for their future.

What’s the point of this as you’re so sure YANBU and have an answer for everything?

My father has always said that he helps who needs it. So he has helped me at times more than my sibling when I’ve needed it, and then he’s helped them when they’ve needed it.

I watched a close family blow apart due to money and inheritance issues and the feeling that one sibling and their child got everything because they were a single parent. Money causes so much damage.

Could you afford to give up work if you weren’t financially bankrolling the other daughter?

You can only do your best. Time with DGC is very precious and they will remember that more than money.

It doesn’t have to be monetary equality. It can be time.

I think you are being a bit naive here… if one is showing “a bit of jealousy “ THAT IS RESENTMENT…. If you only see a bit of jealousy I’m sure they feel more passionate about it behind closed doors.

Also why post if you are going to argue everything everyone says … did you just want everyone to say no you are perfect and keep going ….

What would you do if one of your other children's circumstances changed when you have stated you can't afford to offer all children equal help ?
I don't think you should allow 3rd daughter to go without hearing /food etc but supplying holidays and more 1:1 time is shit ,,I was that grandchild who was deemed ok and not in need cos I had 2 parents who worked and cousins only had 1 parent and in my experience they had far more in time and materialistic things than I ever had due to my grandparents over compensating and yes I noticed and yes I felt it .

Jealousy can quickly turn to resentment and may already have done so.