AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

my DH is the middle of 3 (all now in their 60s). Number 3 has always been favoured financially and it does breed resentment.

All 3 of them are doing ok but PiL are always “helping” 3. For example, he recently took voluntary redundancy and lost his company car so they bought him a cheap car.

It is their money and they can do what they want with it but it is obvious to all that they favour one of the siblings and it is one of the things that has damaged their relationships.

My personal resentment is that they always ask me & DH to do things for them (buying stuff online, paying bills, getting them shopping type stuff) but never ask sibling 3 because he is always “too busy doing something important and can’t be asked”.

You are not unreasonable to help your children in the way you think is best but you are unreasonable if you think it has no impact on the dynamics between them.

You will support your kids differently throughout their lives. It might be that your single child meets someone next year and is less reliant on you.. whilst your other adult child separates from their partner and needs you more during that time..

ad long as you make the effort for your other children and grand children in other ways I don’t see the problem in this

Agree. DH's sister has always been favoured over her brothers. They hate it but they know there isn't anything that will ever change that. Their parents will always find an excuse to favour her so what's the point?

Out of curiosity, are your other two children boys and this is your only daughter? It seems very common to favour your daughter and daughter's children over your sons

Your children will be able to understand, even if they don't accept your reasoning

However your grandchildren won't

As long as you are aware of that and will accept the probable ramifications

People happily writing on here that their other children are happy when a sibling is treated more favourably..but how do they know? How do decent loving children turn to their parents and say otherwise? It's a native self serving view by the parents to justify their actions.

I don't believe that you are being unreasonable OP - we are doing much the same, although only one of our two children has kids of their own. Our daughter and her partner have both developed the same serious health issue - a one in two million chance apparently - which means that they are now unable to work, so we do everything we can to support them and to ensure that our two grandchildren enjoy as normal a childhood as possible.

Our son and his lovely wife both earn well and have no dependents, but although we don't support them financially, we try to help them in other ways. They, in turn, are very kind to us and try to make sure that we can take occasional holidays. We all do what we can to make things work.

In an ideal world, we'd have enough money and time to ensure both our children received equal amounts of our resources, but alas, it's not and our means are finite.

I can't believe that anyone wouldn't help a child and/or grandchildren in need just because their better-off siblings were or might be miffed about it. In fact, I feel really quite pissed off about this sort of attitude and the criticism it implies. Please ignore them OP, and continue as you see fit.

Why is your daughter not getting a better paid job?

yoi need to find a way to redress the imbalance. Maybe by giving her smaller share of inheritance and being transparent with everyone about it.

and why do you have her grandchild over more? That’s REALLY unfair and would really upset me. At least share the time and attention equally

I'm the sibling that has had no financial help where siblings have. I won't inherit equally.

The thing is I don't need it. Why should they give me hand outs for the cash to sit in my bank account or be spent on stuff I don't need? I'm just glad to have been so fortunate as to have had my hard work pay off and my parents not have to worry about me.
It's petty and grabby to be resentful over something like this.
That said, you should make an effort to ensure you have as close a relationship with the other grandchildren OP. Through time spent with them rather than money spent on them.

I’m surprised this is at 50\50 in the vote. We have a similar situation in my family. Sister lost her husband in hers 30’s and was left with 3 young children and is in a low paid job.

My mum is always desperate to make it fair and even with us which actually annoys me and I’ve told her so. Life isn’t fair and even so she shouldn’t try to make things equal. I don’t need the money. Meanwhile my sis is sitting in a cold house as she can’t afford to heat it properly. My parents have stepped in and have given money to cover the heating bills over the winter months. As she said it’s 2025 and my daughter is sitting with no heating on but we have money in the bank so I can’t let that happen.

I can’t actually believe folk saying you should make it equal. How can the kids with good incomes resent this for their sibling. Inheritance should maybe be split equally but this isn’t the situation being referred to.

Not treating your children equally means you are slowly destroying their relationships with each other.

Once you are dead your children will simply have nothing to do with each other because of this. I have witnessed it with people I have known.

Ouch - this post is unnecessarily harsh imo. The OP is neither cruel nor unkind. My Dd is unlikely to be as financially successful as her brother and we may have to help her purchase a property. Ds is aware of this and completely understands the logic behind it. It’s not about favouritism. It’s about equity, not equality ie treating people differently to achieve fair outcomes. In the op’s scenario the financial help one child receives achieves a fair outcome for all grandchildren.
edited for typo

Do you know the actual salaries of all your three adult children and their partners? Do you know the actual amount of benefits and maintenance your single DD receives?
How do you know the extent to which the two couples are, or are not, struggling financially?

Because if you are just assuming, based on appearances, surface details, and job titles, you are possibly very mistaken and being very unfair.

It is terrible parenting to set up a situation where one of your children is jealous of the favourable treatment you give another.

Financially helping your 3rd child out is totally reasonable but you should treat all grandchildren equally. Not in money but time with you

I think this sort of attitude is a bit dodgy. It'd be one thing if the DD were too lazy to work, or if she were deliberately chosing not to earn much (which is the situation in the other thread discussed).

I don't think it is fair to blame someone if their partner turns out not to be a decent person. That isn't the sort of thing you can predict in life, sadly.

I think it is extremely difficult to know how to be fair with time and money. There will always be some unfairness, however hard you try.

The only right thing to do in this situation is to listen to the child who feels jealous and try to make them feel heard (and I'd probably check in on the child who hasn't expressed any sense of jealousy too, just in case). It might not be that the OP needs to do a dramatic shift and give all three children exactly the same; it might just be a slight shifting in priorities, mightn't it?

YANBU
It is so hard being a single parent with no other support. I think your other children should appreciate how much easier it must be for them - double income and parental input.

Jealousy and resentment come to the same thing.

I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with as none of this precludes any support.

It is fine to help one child out but the same money should be given to the others. Why should they be penalised for getting their shit together, being in a stable relationship and getting good jobs.

Poor decisions? Being a single parent isn't something lots of us choose. Sometimes leaving the relationship is a better choice than staying in it which could be seen as a poor choice. My siblings are both really well off but funnily enough by marriage not because they have a better education or a better job. It is tough when you have a one income house. Do you think a good choice would be staying in an abusive relationship?

Well you’ve said you’re not going to change a thing, you just want to know if you’re being unreasonable.

Heating bills, clothing like winter coats and school shoes, the odd day out, a short holiday here and there: no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. All this is for your GDC, and they’re basic things s/he needs and that loving grandparents would do for their grandchild anyway.

Two weeks AI in Spain, day trip to Alton Towers, designer trainers and North Face jacket, day trip to London: not reasonable if not offered to the other grandchildren.

I think the main point is transparency (which was my point on the other thread). Also, in this case, your DD needs to make efforts to stand in her own two feet. If she’s freeloading and making no efforts she is taking advantage and you’re letting her at the others’ expense. If she expects all the privileges of mummy and daddy’s benevolence, then she also has to accept the responsibilities too (if and when the time comes, such as they will be). In concrete terms that can be being open with the other two about the fact that you know she’s getting more from you than they are, you’re not happy about it but you’re doing it for the reasons you’ve stated and that’s your choice as a parent which they have no say in. But the conversation is crucial.

Ultimately, all these things about parity and wills and inheritance and financial support, come down to the same thing: do my parents love and consider me equally to my siblings. Giving money is just one way of showing that. Bring open, fair minded, clear about difficult choices, showing respect and understanding for each child’s position: these all go a long way towards ensuring parity.

The part that is most unreasonable is you giving that grandchild more of your time.

Also... it does get difficult when people choose low paid work. Presumably if she's willing to keep doing it despite the low pay, there are other things about it which she values (low stress? Part time or flexible hours? Fulfilling/enjoyable?)

It can feel really unfair to siblings who make the sacrifice to choose better paid work, often at the expense of their mental health/time with their kids/enjoyment of work.... then their sibling chooses the lower paid/lower stress/more fulfilling job & gets made whole financially anyway.

You are shielding her from the consequences of her own life choices. What will she do when you aren't around any more? You would be better off supporting her to improve her earning potential and stand on her own two feet.

Situations change.

What happens if one sibling (the one that received nothing) needs help when you are no longer around or the money has run out?

You are very wrong. We treat our children equally , they have chosen different paths and there is a huge disparity in earnings but they are adults and have made their own choices. Your poor other children, you have made them feel less valued and less loved. The single parent has made their own choices, you should not be prioritising her over the others. You are very cruel and unkind.

TBH I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes. Absolutely agree that you should help out the single parent where you can, but you do seem to have unilaterally decided that your other children don’t need your help. You don’t necessarily know the extent of how much they are struggling to hold things together, and if you’re aware of a bit of jealousy there is probably a lot more resentment that they are keeping from you. You might not be able to offer all your children the same in terms of time / childcare/ financial support, but I would hope that you are offering all of them something.

The other thread was different - one of the families was making sacrifices in terms of time and family to make enough money to support their family, while the sibling chose to work far less and expected the grandparents to top up the finances.

In our family, my siblings have had far more support than me, both financially and in terms of childcare- this is due to geographical proximity and unfortunate circumstances. I don’t resent my siblings because I’m aware that I’m fortunate in having a spouse with a well paid job . However, due to distance, I won’t be in a position to offer much hands-on care to my parents as and when they need it. DH and I are the only support our children will have, so they will be our priority.

You need to be realistic about the amount of help you can expect from your family in future. Your single-parent child will have her hands full with her children, and your other children will have to keep working hard as they are bringing up their families independently.